Sick of school mums attitude to us and DD

[Mummyof287]

Sick to death of us being snubbed and judged by some of the mums at Mia's school who seemingly don't want their children to be friends with her just because she struggles socially & emotionally sometimes, and doesn't fit the 'perfectly behaved child' criteria 🤦‍♀️

Sad thing is that their children have always seemed keen and happy to play with Mia themselves, and she sees them as her best friends 😔
She keeps asking why she can't have them over to play, or go to their houses...but how do you explain to a 5 year old without making them feel utterly shit, that its because the children's mothers don't want them to be her friend?! 🤷‍♀️

Sitting here crying because my lovely little girl being rejected and judged like this is the most painful thing ever 😭

I thought we were supposed to live in an inclusive society, and that perhaps people are kinder and more understanding towards children with additional needs nowadays....But clearly not 💔

This sounds tricky OP.

Have you asked them over?

We don't have people over here often because I'm always working term time but am less busy in the holidays. We meet a lot ad hoc at the park rather than organising play dates. Do you have somewhere like this locally?

Did you mean to put your ds's name in your post?

Have you tried inviting one of the other girls to yours at a weekend?

Plenty of mums work and after school childcare is arranged and set in stone. My ds went to after school club. I didn't collect until 6pm so was unavailable to drive him to play dates.

I’m sorry, that’s hard.

what do you mean by ‘doesn’t fit the perfectly behaved child criteria’?

are there particular behaviours that people might be worried about that you can work on?

Do you live in a village? From my limited experience of seeing how the parents react is that primaries in more diverse areas, where people haven’t been living for generations are more welcoming. I live in the village with a pretty stoic population, my friend on the outskirts of a city. I picked her ds up for a year once a week and the parents were very different. A combi of locals, graduates and immigrants from different countries.

Hopefully this will change as your dd gets a little older. Do you do school pick ups? My dd in yr1 suddenly had this issue come up all at once with all her friends for various reasons. She doesn’t have additional needs but stopped maturing from the moment she started school and realised how ill I was so was more immature than the others. I got her very busy, developed outside interests and she met new children.

Are you able to look to clubs and activities try to get your to socialise with other children?… both from school and some out of area. If you can afford it, I would enrol your dd in an after care setting one evening a week to get a play date experience that way. Then I would get her busy so that she doesn’t have time for play dates. Rainbows and martial arts like judo are cheap. I also took dd to small group swimming lessons.

I think if your child displays difficult behaviour, even if that's through no fault of yours or theirs, it's not unreasonable for other parents to not want to be responsible for that. Could you maybe set up playdates in neutral spaces?

Also, is it worth being completely open with them about your daughter's additional needs? "Mia has X diagnosis and that means sometimes she struggles with XYZ which can lead to ABC behaviours. We're working really hard to help her manage this, and she's really enjoying playing with Little Jimmy at school, it would be lovely if the two of you could join us at the park after school one day this week?"

That sounds really tough on both your DD and you. ☹️

I second the suggestion of perhaps organising a play date in a neutral location. I think it can be an ice breaker as much as anything else.

What do the other mums say when you ask them if their child can come over for a play date? How do the behaviours manifest?

Have you asked any children to come over and play, or maybe something more neutral like the park or soft play? What do the parents say?

Thanks for the replies, I neglected to mention in my original post the fact that one of these mums I've known really well since our children were babies, so it's not like it's new school mums I barely know and have had anything to do with.DDs used to be close friends, but the mum has been incredibly hot and cold with us for many months now, beginning since they started school.I had no fall out or disagreement with her or anything, so it was very strange.And since she has become friendly with the other mum it seems that one has unfortunately followed suit with her attitude towards us, so i'm guessing something has been said to smear DDs reputation (the first one can be pretty judgemental and two faced tbh)

I didn't know the other mum that well but enough to say hello/small talk as we had met at some toddler groups, and since our children started school she had always been friendly and chatty with me, and initially supportive and encouraging of their friendship up until the past couple of months or so.However now is ignoring us both completely.Her child asked her in front of me in the playground if he could come to our house and she turned away and shut him down about it pretty sharpish, which was sad as him and DD are very close friends and get on so well.
We do get on fine with his dad and have met for playdates (they're separated) but wouldn't be suprised if she will try to stop that soon.

It's sad as the first DD and mine were very close friends, then when we had the issues with her mum it seemed she was pulling away from DD which could have been a natural thing as she developed other friendships, or pushed by her mum,not sure.
Then DD latched onto the other mum's child and they have become really close, but now I'm worried it won't be long before she loses him as a friend too :(

I do live in a village, and know what you mean @Mummyoflittledragon...can mean very closed mindedness sometimes and its annoying when everyone knows each other too.

Dd on a 1-1 basis on playdates is usually very sociable and engaging with other children, she struggles more with groups.She doesn't stand out as obviously struggling with social interaction, but if watched closely can be seen to be somewhat domineering and inflexible sometimes,and she can become quite angry towards them if she doesn't get her way, or pester and wind up children not recognising social cues when play is getting too rough or they want her to stop.We have always tried to guide and teach her about appropriate ways to interact, and ensured she is disciplined if she us unkind.

She hasn't got a diagnosis yet but is receiving special support at school and has been referred for an assessment for suspected ADHD.
She attends swimming and dancing groups outside school and has several little friends from other places and cousins that we see often.She gets on best with older children, always has, and rarely has arguments when playing with them.

Also forgot to say there are also afew other mums at the school who I DO get on with well, although unfortunately the two I'm most friendly with have children in the other class.

And no didn't actually mean to include DDs name, oops,but doubt the people in question will see this, and even if they did then at least they will realise how their behaviours made us feel I guess...

Is there a class WhatsApp group? Or a WhatsApp group of the mums with the girls your DD gets on with? If so, why not message something bright and breezy, asking how everyone's getting on with the summer hols and suggest a picnic and kick about in the local park next week?

Going forward, have you considered scouts or rainbows for DD? There will be a mix of ages, kids from different schools and lots of different interests. It may be easier for DD to feel included in that sort of setup.

It doesn’t sound like they’re being nasty. Sounds like they feel like they don’t want to deal with that behaviour at a play date. They also probably don’t feel that they can guarantee their child would be happy at yours either. I wouldn’t send my child off to a play date with a child who got angry if they didn’t get their own way.
Perhaps when they’re a bit older?

Judgemental twats.

Age 5 is very young to be worried about this, wait until she is older and has stronger friendships and things will fall into place naturally.

I don't think it's judgemental to not send your child off to a playdate with a kid who will get angry at them, wind them up, and not stop rough play. Being inclusive isn't the same as putting your child in harms way.

She doesn't stand out as obviously struggling with social interaction, but if watched closely can be seen to be somewhat domineering and inflexible sometimes,and she can become quite angry towards them if she doesn't get her way, or pester and wind up children not recognising social cues when play is getting too rough or they want her to stop.

I’m sorry OP, but this is likely your issue. I understand your daughter’s medical status is private, but perhaps if the parents knew the background a bit, they would be more understanding? My DC has a friend like this, my DC was starting to withdraw from friend a bit, but I am friends with the other child’s mum, and I’ve explained to DC what DF struggles with and why it’s important to be inclusive. They’ve managed to keep their friendship going where I think it was about to falter.

Age 5 is a bit young for play dates. Doesn't usually start until year 2/3 anyway. Plus, I always redirect my kids when they ask if they can go to someone else's house to play without obvious invite because its rude to ask! I think you are being quite oversensitive. Especially if your child does have issues, I have 3 children and having a child with additional needs that needs more input round to play is too much for me. Nothing to do with excluding them, I just know my limits.

People like to pretend this stuff doesn't happen and that people are not being rude/exclusionary but it 100% does happen and I'm sorry it's happening to you. Your daughter does not sound more irritating than any number of 5 year old girls to be honest. They are all a bit savage one way or another in my experience, because they're learning to balance their own needs with other people's (frankly aren't we all).

The answer is to be breezy and pretend you can't see the bad behaviour from those mums and focus on the ones who you do get on with. You can be perfectly friendly and say hello but don't let them sense your hurt feelings. It is tough for DD but as long as she is socialising at school she will be fine.

Maybe the other mother stopped her son asking if he could go to your house as she thought it was rude of him to ask.

Also, people often don't want these ad-hoc straight after school play dates, They will,have decided what is for dinner or they will be doing something else after school.

Five is young for play dates and it seems your dd is very keen on them but some children don't like them. Either having someone else in their house playing with their toys or being at someone else's house with an unfamiliar grown up can be difficult for some children.

This is what I would do.

Keep time at the school gates short.

Join your dd into some after school activities where she can play with other children out of school.

Start doing other things straight after school where there might be other children. Park one night, swimming one night, library one night.

Try to reduce her focus on pladates being the end goal of everything. If she was mine, I'd have told her to stop asking for them all the time.

One of my children could handle the behaviours you have described, the other would dissolve into tears. The other parents need to do right by their kids, too.

We rarely did play dates at that age. I didn’t want extra kids in the house!

Its not just about the playdates...not long ago i stood right next to her at a school event, tried to look over to catch her eye and say hello but she turned the other way.Her son played with DD lots at one party when his mum wasn't there, the next week at one when she WAS there he barely awknowledged DD.I commented on a school group facebook post she put about what class her son is in next year, saying it is nice they are still in the same class still (obviously as they're close friends) she replied positively to everyone else saying similar, ignored my comment then deleted me as a friend.
I could write a whole post on the hot and cold behaviours of the other person over the past 9 months or so.
I don't think I'm being so much sensitive about it, as perceptive about the outkasting that is clearly happening, although I won't deny its making me feel very hurt.

@AmbushedByCake nobody is being 'put in harms way' she doesn't hurt children, or say anything particularly unkind, she just gets abit carried away with her own ideas and can become emotional or frustrated verbally.

@lickenchugget I wouldn't be suprised if they've heard 'through the grapevine' about it...I've not kept it particularly private really as it is what it is.

@Mardyface thanks so much for your kind words...its hard to articulate over the Internet what the behaviours are like, but it's definitely happening that they are rejecting us. I know I would never actively ignore or cut out any parent (especially one who was supposed to be my friend) or their young child because a child's behaviour was challenging...its not like she has done anything awful to their child.I'm not asking to be best buddies with them, but they could read between the lines and maybe offer support rather than judgement.I've never been spoken to by the school throughout all of reception about any incidents of her hurting or upsetting other children either, and they've said it's more her getting carried away with being tactile/playful than being actively malicious.

@MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay thanks for the suggestions!

It sounds like it's more aimed at you OP, particularly when you said you were ignored on the chat and unfriended. It made me wonder, as you met with this mum's ex for play dates with his son, whether there isn't something going on for her there?

Have you considered that it's aimed at you instead? (Not saying that's acceptable btw)

@StClare101 I do understand that it is not acceptable to let DD treat children unkindly...if there had been some clear incidents of her upsetting or hurting them I'd get why they might be reluctant to arrange meeting up (although surely still not a reason to 'ghost' us?)

DD is mostly pretty well behaved and blends in fine with other people and also in public situations/places if she is kept occupied.Many people we know were suprised she is being referred but we see more challenging behaviours at home and because we know her so well.

It’s not being judgemental to not want your little child to be hurt, wound up, and bullied. As hard as it is for the OP, the other parents are doing nothing wrong by protecting their own children from this sort of behaviour.

Your daughter sounds very like mine at that age. My dd was eventually diagnosed with ADHD when she was 15.

If I had recognised the issue earlier, this is what I would have done.

1. Move on from the group of adults who were not being supportive. They are not your friends. Be bright and breezy with them on the playground, but don't try and stand with or talk to them.

1. Set up some 'structured' play opportunities. 'Unstructured', free play type meetings were particularly difficult for my dd. Things like bowling, baking with the other child etc were much more successful.

1. Role play situations with your dd to help her practice scenarios either before or after they've happened.

1. Choose one parent to confide in about your dd's potential diagnosis. It doesn't need to be someone who your child would normally play with, but someone who is kind. Ask if your dd and their child (with you and she there) could meet at the park and go on the swings. Make sure there is some focus for the meet up.

1. Speak to the teacher about your concerns that dd is being rejected by others. What behaviour system do they use at school? Is your dd regularly on red on the zone board, on the sad cloud or whatever they use?

This gives a very obvious message to the other children about your dd, which they will undoubtedly (unintentionally) be sharing with their parents.

See if there's a way that the teacher can change the narrative for your dd - lots more praise etc so that the other children start to pick up on it.

Please feel free to message me. I've been where you are.