Sick of school mums attitude to us and DD

[Mummyof287]

Sick to death of us being snubbed and judged by some of the mums at Mia's school who seemingly don't want their children to be friends with her just because she struggles socially & emotionally sometimes, and doesn't fit the 'perfectly behaved child' criteria 🤦‍♀️

Sad thing is that their children have always seemed keen and happy to play with Mia themselves, and she sees them as her best friends 😔
She keeps asking why she can't have them over to play, or go to their houses...but how do you explain to a 5 year old without making them feel utterly shit, that its because the children's mothers don't want them to be her friend?! 🤷‍♀️

Sitting here crying because my lovely little girl being rejected and judged like this is the most painful thing ever 😭

I thought we were supposed to live in an inclusive society, and that perhaps people are kinder and more understanding towards children with additional needs nowadays....But clearly not 💔

Get her involved in activities outside of school. I was a very antisocial child and this helped me.

What didn't help was my mother trying to engineer friendships for me. I could see through it, and was embarrassed.

That's why I will never force my DD to play with anyone she doesn't get on with or like. She would hate rough, angry play, and I refuse to subject her to it just so someone else won't be hurt.

I thought we were supposed to live in an inclusive society, and that perhaps people are kinder and more understanding towards children with additional needs nowadays....But clearly not 💔

I’m sorry you and your little girl are going through this. One thing I’ve learned from MN is the world really isn’t an inclusive, kind or understanding place. I hope you and your daughter find good people who can be friends to both of you.

@Gonetogetacoffee she isn't a 'bully' and she doesn't hurt other children.

If there had been incidents of hurting these particular or even children I would get their reluctance, but there hasn't.And as I said in my OP, the two children particularly the 2nd mum's son, have always been keen to play and interact with DD and have always got on well, but each child especially the 1st mum's have noticeably pulled back somewhat since the parents have been funny towards us.

Are you there during the play dates? Have you messaged and asked them if there's a problem?

I'm wondering if you're not there whether there's been an issue where she has been particularly disruptive and they feel uncomfortable letting you know?

@Mummyof287 I think SeeSawDaw has it. If you meet with one womans ex for playdates, she's not likely to want to meet you as well, in case anything she says gets back to him. Especially if it was a difficult breakup. And if your other friend is now friends with her, she may have found out some difficult things about the ex and not want to hang out with someone who is percieved to be his friend, out of loyalty to the other mum.

Your daughters behaviours, I can understand other parents not wanting to be responsible for your child in their house, especially if she can get angry, and maybe you would need to make it clear that you would be attending too and would take your child home if there were any issues. Or suggesting meeting on neutral ground like a park/ soft play etc.

I say this as a neurodiverse parent of 3 neurodiverse kids, if your child has extremely antisocial behaviours such as getting angry/ not respecting personal space then they are likely to get excluded by other parents or children- its your job to teach her in how to behave around other children, in an adhd friendly way. You need to be a helicopter parent and stepping in at the very beginning, the minute you see your daughter start to get wound up. You may already do this, and if so please disregard my advice! It can be exhausting stepping in at every tiny cue but it does make a real difference.

But you wrote;

she can become quite angry towards them if she doesn't get her way, or pester and wind up children not recognising social cues when play is getting too rough or they want her to stop

Which even if you don’t want to call it bullying is not acceptable behaviour. I’d not let someone play with my children who behaved like this, and if I saw it happening more than once in front of their parents, and it was not stopped, I’d probably blank the parents too.

I hope that you get to the bottom of what your daughter’s issues are, and find a way to ameliorate her behaviour, but until you do, it’s not the other parents who are behaving unreasonably, it’s your daughter and you.

Sorry you are having a rough time OP

I would say

Focus on where it’s positive - the kids and clubs she does get on with, and the parents you do

Some of what you describe seems to be aimed at you not your DD. It may well be unjustified but just noting that

We do all tend to underestimate the impact our slightly disruptive kids can have. It’s important to intervene immediately and visibly. (you may already do this).

Hmm yes possibly...I had originally thought that about the first mum (who I had been friends with) having an issue with me myself or us as a family when she started being funny....but now with this 2nd one clearly trying to pull her son back from having anything to do with us despite me never having nothing but positive interactions with her previously (although perhaps it is in loyalty to the other mum) i just worry they are judging and rejecting DD too for some reason.

It just feels like they may have been told not to play with her for whatever reason, and that both the kids are clearly aware of something negative about being involved with her/us now :(

Re: the dad thing, yes perhaps thats caused a stir....out of interest do you think it's strange me meeting up with him 1-1 for playdates? It's all been very appropriate and platonic from both sides (plus I'm married and sometimes DH joins in with the meet ups too)

When DD1 was 5 we invited a girl in her class for after school play and dinner. I had been warned by other mothers she was a difficult child and I must be mad. I caught her upstairs taking things out of drawers, I took her back downstairs and sat her down and told her she shouldn’t be wandering round the house without permission, was very calm with her and she was lovely after that. It appeared no other parent had stopped her doing things she should’ve.
Other parents can be very judgemental, not realising the consequences of their Adult opinions.

So the fact she ignored then unfriended you after a friendly comment on Facebook is surely a sign she dislikes you, not DD. Can't you just be upfront and ask her what's going on?

You said DD can play a bit roughly with other kids, maybe there's been an incident between her child & yours? I think if you want an answer you have to ask her directly.

As far as i am aware there weren't any particular issues when she went to the little girls home or she came to us...she said a brief comment once about something to do with them talking negatively about each others appearances, but made it sound like this was a mutual thing, although thinking back it was around the time she started behaving differently towards us, although i also had a baby around that time whom she has also always completely ignored, so perhaps that was triggering for her or something (she was always adamant she wouldn't want another child, but is separated with just the one DD) It's a guessing game sometimes it really is, nd certainly makes my head hurt! Just wish they wiuld be honest about what the issue is

Maybe the mums are miffed that you’re organising play dates with one of their ex-husbands? Have you looked at that angle?

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that but it might have ruffled feathers somewhere.

Dd can be quite immature for her age with impulse control and socially and emotionally at times, but is usually very well behaved with everyone else, and most of the time is a loving, positive and friendly child who tries hard to please.Ive never had any complaints about her behaviour from anyone who has spent time with or looked after her.She mostly displays the challenging physical behaviours at home towards us and baby sister.I maybe accidentally made that side of things sound worse than it is outside the home in public.

I think littlefish has given you some great advice regarding your DD. 2 of my teen daughters have ADHD, and they do struggle socially.

BUT I’m not convinced it’s 100% your DDs needs that’s causing the issue. It’s all very odd to ostracise both you and your daughter especially when mum2’s son gets on well with your DD and you’ve had a long-standing friendship with mum1. I can understand why you think mum1 has said something & put mum2 off. I’d be inclined to ask mum1 (and maybe mum2) what’s happened. I’m not sure it’s your DD tbh as it seems it could be a number of things. I’d be hurt by this and would want to know so that I could either put it right or explain. This depends how much you want to be friends with them though and your DD friends with their children. It’s 2 people out of many parents.

I think this

she can become quite angry towards them if she doesn't get her way, or pester and wind up children not recognising social cues when play is getting too rough or they want her to stop

is why they don’t want their kids playing with your DD.

And I think you being pally with the ex is the reason why they don’t want to be your friend anymore. I would just leave it now and concentrate on nurturing other friendships for you both.

There is nothing really in your story that suggests they are excluding your DD for any SEN related reasons. All you've stated is that two ex-friends are snubbing YOU and that it's quite recent.

It's pretty obvious why. They are cooling it with you because you are meeting for coffee with your friend's ex-DH. I'd be cooling it with you too. Nothing to do with your DD (who sounds lovely but also sounds happy and popular).

Yes, I missed this tbh. You’ve sided with the ex, as fat as they are concerned.

"Re: the dad thing, yes perhaps thats caused a stir....out of interest do you think it's strange me meeting up with him 1-1 for play dates? It's all been very appropriate and platonic from both sides (plus I'm married and sometimes DH joins in with the meet ups too)"

There shouldn't be anything wrong at all with those play dates, but some may well read more into it. Depending on how the break up came about, personalities involved, it may be seen as you 'taking sides'. You can unfortunately see playground behaviour amongst parents when their kids are young! If their split is in any way less than harmonious, then if her ex even just casually mentions how you're all pally even with your DH there, mum 1 may feel you've chosen his 'side'.

This may well explain why mum 2 is having to also choose which side to be on and has chosen mum 1 over you.

On play dates, def be there with your child so you can help her manage her emotions, and neutral ground like parks are ideal until a firm friendship is established. Gives you a chance to build good relationships with parents too.

Years ago a mum of one of my DSs friends was almost in tears when her child was invited to ours as no other families would invite the child. The child (then 6) had type 1 diabetes and the mum always offered to come and administer the insulin but no parents would invite the child. I thought that was pathetic. The child could monitor their own levels and it was not difficult to do the injection - or mum would have come and done it. So I’m saddened but not surprised that your Dd isn’t getting invites.

You might be somewhat right in this sense about mum2 (although I don't know if she is aware of the meet ups or not anyway) but mum1 was being funny with me months ago, and it all began around the time the girls started school and after a couple of playdates they had at each others houses.Which is what makes me think its partially related to my DD and something she isn't telling me.I called her out about it (politely) in a message a couple of months ago, and apologised if I had accidentally offended her.But she didn't reply.
Whilst the dad meet thing might be part of mum2's issue, I can't beleive it's the whole story when she is close friends with the one other parent who has an issue with me/DD, and that it isn't some sort of collusion.
Also, her and the dad were apparently never even actually together, so it's not like it's a recent split or something after a long term relationship.
I wouldn't be suprised if they are both judging/criticising/making assumptions about us all to be honest for a variety of reasons.
Luckily I have afew other good mum friends at the school and hopefully next year DD will make some new friends with nicer parents too.Just dreading another year of all the awkward 'no contact' parties and school pick ups I guess! Feels very childish having to ignore people who I was once friendly with but don't really have an option if they don't like me/us!

That's so sad....people can be so so cruel, and what a horrible lesson to teach a child that someone should be excluded like that.