Partner with health anxiety refuses help leaving me a solo parent

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Hi all, I’m voicing this here as I’m coming to the end of my rope but feeling extremely guilty for feeling this way. My partner and I met and became pregnant shortly after- ever since the pregnancy he’s revealed himself to have severe health anxiety and hypochondria.

All through the pregnancy the focus was on his worries and struggles - every day I need to console him he isn’t going into cardiac arrest - every day he would return home morning and complains of exhaustion.

i was more able to cope before we had our son - he is now ten months and I am effectively a single parent. I’m our sons life he has perhaps given 3 baths, and been up with him at night one time only. Even now our lives revolve around what’s wrong with him today - todays example a cut lip that was dubbed lip and mouth cancer rendering him unable to even pick up his own clothes after a bath. I’m exhausted, I’m feeling guilty but more than that I’m just so unsure of our future and not sure where I go from here. Our son is the best thing I could ever imagine and I feel I owe it to him to try my best to give him a two parent household. Sorry for the rant 💛

This sounds incredibly difficult. Your post title says he refuses to get help. Have you had this conversation with him? How did it go and what was the outcome? I think you need to give him an ultimatum - get help or I'm out - or accept he won't change and leave. Your life might be easier in honesty.

We’ve had the conversation several times but when confronted with the facts of his issues he is aware of them (that he constantly has something wrong with him and needs validation throughout the day from me and his parents he’s healthy) he says “yes well I know that’s in my head”. And if I confront the issue that because he’s always not feeling great he isn’t there for our baby in any consistent way I’m labelled uncaring in a time where he’s unwell it’s a no win situation. I should have also said he does the same with our son when he cried for a bottle tonight he asked if I was sure he didn’t need to go to hospital. I really don’t want this passed on to him in any way if he sees his dad doing it!

There is no way to say this gently but your partner needs to get some professional help for his issues. Refusing is just not an option if he wants to stay together as relying on you long term is not sustainable, your focus now needs to be on your baby. Tbh being a single parent would be easier as you would only have one person to feel responsible for. It sounds like a really tough situation for you.

I'd just leave. Why did you ever get together with him? Did you used to pour your caring maternal energies into him but now they go into your son? If you can figure out what it is about you that ever attracted you to these qualities it will help you to leave without feeling guilty (like, what's that guilt about? He sounds impossible to live with and won't help himself)

He needs to seek help not just for his own sake, but for yours and the baby. His issues will severely impact on his relationship with you and his child.
It needs to be made clear that seeking help is not optional- it’s what has to be done.

I don't think I would stay under these circumstances. He already had all these issues but you were not aware of them. Does your partner have a full time job? And if so does he cope with that part of his life.

My friend's husband had this, albeit focused more on his child to the point he was too anxious to care for him.

It was and remains miserable. Cut your losses.

I would leave.

My DP’s ex was like this. Constant belief that she had this or that wrong. Went to A&E constantly, but refused to seek help. Laid on the guilt that he wasn’t sympathetic when she cancelled yet another weekend away because she thought she had a brain tumour or pancreatic cancer or whatever ailment she had that week.

I’ll be honest and say I have very little sympathy for that kind of talk when there are people out there with genuine, life-threatening health problems out there. Plus I wouldn’t have my child subjected to it, because his paranoia will likely extend to your child as he gets older, and your partner will be diagnosing him with all sorts of ailments as well.

Added to which, it’s like the boy who cried wolf. if he ever really did fall ill no-one is likely to believe him.

You need to stop giving him the validation he craves, for your own sake. when he complains or fails to function just ignore him, or breezily say you’re busy now and if he won’t call the Gp then he should call or text his parents. Keep passing him back to his mum and dad, over and over.

Depending how weary you are of it all, then you may be already at the stage of telling him you cannot live like this and his unmanaged mental health issues are now affecting your own MH and enjoyment of life beyond a point you can bear. If he won’t seek professional help then the relationship is over and he has to leave (or you will move out).

many MH conditions make a person self-absorbed to the point nothing and no one else matters as there is no energy left to spare caring for another person, even a struggling new mum or an infant. It is incredibly hard to go through that, and you aren’t being selfish by wanting to be free of the burden he’s placing on you or feeling anger and frustration that he is spoiling everything with his health obsession.

The irony is he IS unwell, it is his mental health that is the problem - the one problem he choose to ignore.

If he really thinks he is seriously ill, why does he not contact the GP? If he did, the GP would recognise that he needs help.

Thank you all for your responses!! @ArcticSkewer as I said in my original post he was masking his mental health issues until I fell pregnant - I imagine it was all directed towards his parents. Even now if a social setting comes up he is miraculously feeling ok and happy to attend - all this is reserved for behind closed doors. To be honest it makes it even more difficult as even his best friends have no idea making it all the more isolating. I am going to try again today to insist he needs help but I can more than likely imagine how it’s going to turn out 😕

It's interesting that he suddenly started displaying this behaviour at the time when it was obvious he would need to compete for your attention in future.

I would do what MolatovMocktail suggests: stop giving him the validation he craves, for your own sake. when he complains or fails to function just ignore him, or breezily say you’re busy now and if he won’t call the Gp then he should call or text his parents. Keep passing him back to his mum and dad, over and over.

He's a grown man - if he thinks he is ill he should contact his GP.

Does he work?

OP, Do you genuinely believe that secure one parent house is LESS healthy than an anxiety ridden two parent house?

You know the truth but don't want to face it. Why? You can't make him. Like an alcoholic if he doesn't acknowledge the problem going to the GP won't make any difference anyway will it? you know you need to leave, what's stopping you? Why don't you think about that. Tell him you want him to go to the GP.

I have health anxiety and I have a baby.
Since my baby was born I started seeing a counsellor to help me. I am.so determined not to pass this anxiety on to my baby nor to make them suffer through unnecessary doctor visits because of me.

You need to issue an ultimatum and tell your partner that if he won't put his baby first by addressing his mental health issues then you and your child are better off without him.

Hello, I have quite severe health anxiety myself. It has taken over my life at times. It's more under control now, but I just wanted to explain what it's like for someone suffering from it. It's all consuming, and your mind completely tricks you into believing you're dying of something. It's utterly irrational. An anxious mind can even create physical symptoms that aren't really there. Trying to think rationally doesn't work. It is an illness, and an awful one. I do feel for your DP, however I feel for you too.

My partner has been very patient with me through it all, however we don't have children (and honestly my mental health is one of the reasons we may never have children - I don't want to pass it onto them or be a poor parent because of it) but I can see how it must be very frustrating for you to be trying to raise your son without help.

Maybe you need to give your DP an ultimatum - he has to get professional help. I take medication, and have had 18 months of counselling to manage my anxiety and it does work over time. I'd also recommend he check out "drkirren" on Instagram - she's a psychotherapist who specialises in health anxiety, and has some extremely helpful advice and info on her page which she updates daily.

I'm not sure my partner would be anywhere near as supportive if I did nothing to try and help myself.

Take a good look at your relationship pre-child. It wasn't all that long but I bet there was a dynamic of you playing some variation of a mothering role and he was the baby. Now you have a real baby and he needs to step up but instead is doubling down on the 'needs care and attention' status.
I only say that to help you see your own role that you've played, to help you (most probably) leave, or of course work together to resolve this. He's not going to put the emotional work in.

@Dotcheck yes he does work, it’s a very laid back environment so he masks his issues and gets through the day by texting and calling his parents and I for validation he’s ok.. that is unless he has plans with friends later then he’s miraculously fine. And no I don’t believe being single will be more anxiety ridden at all I just want better then I had for my son I guess, which also answers @Oblomov22’s question of why I’m not facing I likely need to leave.

@Royt453 i really appreciate your perspective and thank you for the recommendation I will check out the Instagram. I wish he was as committed to doing the work as you. He’s very firmly still in the denial stage and if I suggest he’s not carrying the parental workload then fast to anger. I’m going to try with an ultimatum today for sure

Just find one sentence to say and then ignore him. So something like..l'm sure you will work it out yourself..nothing else. He knows what to do..see his GP/ counsellor. Put it back on him every time without using one ounce of energy.
My dh was suffering from depression but would do nothing to get help. After listening and empathising till kingdom come l began to just say..l am sure you will work it out and within a few days he was in his GPS getting help.
Is there any time he is a nice partner..in between deadly illnesses?

Even now if a social setting comes up he is miraculously feeling ok and happy to attend - all this is reserved for behind closed doors.
He sounds very manipulative and deeply unattractive.
I couldn't live like that, he gets therapy asap or you leave.

What about if you had a social event to go to? Would he be fine and you could go? Are all these issues more about controlling you?
Hope those on thread who have mentioned they have health anxiety don't mind me asking but could you do like he does and happily go out to social things?

What would happen if you stopped giving him the validation that he's fine? Because he's not. Not agreeing he has whatever he's fixated on in that moment, but every time saying 'yes, you are ill, you have to call the GP about your hypochondria and mental health'

How would he react to that do you think?

Stop validating his delusions.

Leave. You can't help someone who won't help them selves.

He has no right to drag you or his parents into this. If they won't stop enabling him then that's up to them. But you absolutely do not have to be involved in it.

Take your baby and go.

The evidence is that giving reassurance to people with health anxiety makes the problem worse in the long run. I would give him an ultimatum in this scenario - start getting proper focused counselling or you're going to leave (and I never say LTB on this site). I work in healthcare and these people are draining enough in a work context. Living with one would be beyond my ability to cope.

@junebirthdaygirl yes he can be but it is generally when we are doing something he wants or he’s getting his own way - like if he comes back from work “exhausted and on the verge of fainting” and he gets to play PlayStation while I feed, bath, and do bedtime then cook dinner he’ll come in and be sweetness and light. @MichelleScarn if I have the baby with me he’s ok with me going but if I ever leave him with the baby (which I’ve only done when his mum is there to help him) I get photos of our little man crying and miserable because something is “wrong with him and he only wants me”

I did stop validating his delusions a long time ago I always say to him “you know there’s nothing wrong with you. But yes you should see a doctor
as the problem is in your head” but it doesn’t make a difference. I generally just don’t respond while he tells me all his different ailments.

if it wasn’t for our boy I would have probably not lasted so long - but as I have him I think I at least owe it to him to try to force his dad to get help - one way or another he’s his dad for life whether we are together or not