Partner with health anxiety refuses help leaving me a solo parent

[bpriceI]

Hi all, I’m voicing this here as I’m coming to the end of my rope but feeling extremely guilty for feeling this way. My partner and I met and became pregnant shortly after- ever since the pregnancy he’s revealed himself to have severe health anxiety and hypochondria.

All through the pregnancy the focus was on his worries and struggles - every day I need to console him he isn’t going into cardiac arrest - every day he would return home morning and complains of exhaustion.

i was more able to cope before we had our son - he is now ten months and I am effectively a single parent. I’m our sons life he has perhaps given 3 baths, and been up with him at night one time only. Even now our lives revolve around what’s wrong with him today - todays example a cut lip that was dubbed lip and mouth cancer rendering him unable to even pick up his own clothes after a bath. I’m exhausted, I’m feeling guilty but more than that I’m just so unsure of our future and not sure where I go from here. Our son is the best thing I could ever imagine and I feel I owe it to him to try my best to give him a two parent household. Sorry for the rant 💛

Hey, sorry you’re going through this. As someone who has suffered health anxiety, I can say that professional help is what is needed. It was very difficult to acknowledge that so much of it was in my head but after trying a couple of different counsellors, it was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) that broke through. It challenges your thinking, gets you to question your thoughts and find evidence for every issue you think you’re dying from.
I really hope for both your sakes that he decides to give it a try.

if it wasn’t for our boy I would have probably not lasted so long - but as I have him I think I at least owe it to him to try to force his dad to get help - one way or another he’s his dad for life whether we are together or not

But why would he get help when he's managed to drag you all down with him. Misery loves company and all that. He's not alone. He's not lost anything. There's no Incentive.

This is really tough. I can see where your dilemma is coming from. Ultimately you have to prioritise yourself and your DS and you may find that it's not possible to maintain the relationship with that in mind.

It may be ultimatum time (it would be for me anyway). Either he seeks meaningful help immediately and makes a huge effort with it or the relationship has to be over. If you want a middle ground compromise, could you ask him to move back to his parents while he seeks long term help?

You are enabling his behaviour. What is it about you and your own beliefs and upbringing that leads you to do that?

You’re wedded to the idea of what a two parent together family looks and feels like and you’re not going to get it by staying.

I think you need to focus on yourself and your son, ask him to leave and say you’ll consider getting back together once he’s got the help he needs and can play an active and equal part in your family. He’ll either see it as the motivation he needs to get on top of it, or he’ll be relieved and absent himself from you and your baby completely. It’s worth doing whatever the outcome as the current dynamic isn’t healthy, functional or sustainable.

You owe it to your child to give him the best possible life and if you don’t do something dramatic, now, you’ll saddle him with playing a bit part in his life because dad’s issues run the show.

Can you imagine how things could play out? Dad please come to my school assembly. Dad why weren’t you there? Dad you’ll be okay, it’s not your heart. Or mum daddy looks poorly, is he going to die? On a loop.

So he can be fine if he gets his own way? Perhaps he doesn’t want to go to the GP as it’s not a real MH issue.
Does he suffer with his MH at work?
Does it stop him doing things he might enjoy?

I would not stay. I'm sure had you known the extent of his issues you'd not have gotten serious and pregnant quite so quickly. It sounds like you'd be better off and have better quality of life without him. I think it's different if you've been with someone for a long time and these are new issues you're working through but I don't see that he's ever made you happy or feel supported etc.

Doesn't sound unwell to me, he sounds full of fucking shit. Leave the bastard and you and your son will be happier.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Unless he gets help with this there is a very real risk it will have a big impact on your child. As the child of parents with unresolved MH issues I can tell you it a horrible thing to grow up with. They refused to get help for their issues and they were not good parents as a result. I know he's in his child's life one way or another, but wouldn't it be better for his child to have a healthy role model rather than an unhealthy one around them all the time? If he's never been capable of looking after his child without calling for you, I'm afraid he sounds selfish as well. That's laziness, not health anxiety.

Our son is the best thing I could ever imagine and I feel I owe it to him to try my best to give him a two parent household.

He does not have a two parent household right now.

You are one person and you can give him one parent: yourself. It's up to his father to give him his other parent, and he is choosing not to.

Sticking with this man is the sunk costs fallacy. Get out and show your ds what it means to have self-respect and a sense of proportion. Because his dad certainly isn't doing this.

Have his parents always pandered
to him? He is using his 'anxiety' to
opt out of being a parent and to control you. He is choosing when to use it. The more I read the more I think LTB

@bpriceI this sounds so incredibly tough, well done for getting through it without losing the rag with him. I’m not sure I have any great advice, but am just wondering where you think this comes from? Does he have issues around abandonment? Where his parents hypercritical growing up do you think? Does he show signs of perfectionism?
It’s really good he still manages to work with this, but it must be exhausting for you.
The fact that he perks up for social occasions feels like he may have a belief that being unwell is the only valid way to get care, love, and consideration from other people- is there any chance this is true? I mean that’s just a guess and actually it sounds like his parents are actually pretty supportive.

Not sure from your posts if he will even look at this but it might help you;

@bpriceI I know thisnis an old thread but I thought I would add mybtwo pence worth. When I was about 9, I started to have thoughts that I had to do a certain something (e.g. a certain number of pull ups on a bar) otherwise my parents would die- this is a common ocd occurance. In my teens (at a time when i frequently had tonsillitis- this will be explained late), I developed compulsions with having to do things 3 times or doing certain things perfectly ( again ocd). In my teens, I also developed health anxiety. Thoughts loop your head and the concerns don't subside unless you gain reassurance somehow. My health anxiety didn't really impact others so much, it was a personal turmoil. Now I'm in my 40s, and my neurotypical son , suddenly aged 7, developed ocd and significant changes in behaviour. He has been diagnosed with pans pandas. Basically it turns out that inflammation, infection(in his case strep ie tonsillitis, allergies etc can cause a misdirected immune response , impacted a part of the brain called the basal ganglia. This can cause, among other things, ocd. It could be seen, I have mused, as some sort of survival mechanism, all be it a not very effective one, as there is something wrong ( infecton, inflammation etc) and you are trying to find the cause to save yourself and potentially those around you, for instance if it was an environmental pullutant causing an immune response. I know this sounds very far fetched but immunological causes of behaviour are actually not that rare. In terms of looping thoughts, glutamate( an excitory neurotransmitter is thought to be involved). Glutamate is released at exciting times, and at frightening times and is significant in helping lay down memories. The problem is that a disturbing thought, like 'I've got belly button cancer' is frightening so glutamate is released and because the emotion is strong, the memory is strong, and the thought repeats itself as its evidently a big factor that needs resolving (that's how it's being interpreted). Anyway. What has helped me? Understanding I have ocd tendencies. Understanding what intrusive thoughts are. Learning to belly breathe/ diaphramatic breathing, meditation ( Micheal sealey on YouTube), this is a big one: magnesium and b6 (seeking health brand is good, it's called mag plus) - these help to convert glutamate (excitory) to gaba( calming neurotransmitter- basically what you feel when you have had alcohol).you may notice benefits early on in taking this supplement but benefits will also improve over time. Consider reducing inflammation by removing gluten and reducing sugar and dairy. At one point I absolutely needed antibiotics for tonsillitis and within 3 days these stopped my ocd (and non epileptic seizires). I'm not saying that the immune system is involved in your partners case but it wouldn't surprise me a significant proportion of people with ocd have an element of this. I don't need magnesium and b6 as much at all now, after having taken one capsule daily for a year and a half. I also eat well, and sometime take a seeking health multivitamin. If I get a looping thought or word or song, I take magnesium and b6. If it's an evident significant increase in ocd , I assume some kind of immune or inflammatory issue and take extra magnesium, ibuprofen full dose for 5 days, antihistamines and this usually knocks it away. This probably sounds like ludicrous waffle but having a seriously sick child makes you do a heck of a lot of research and reflection. I hope you and your partner find a solution and hope your partner is open to trying a few things to face this. Xx