AIBU don't want FIL staying after birth

[eatsleepeatrepeat]

AIBU to not want my FIL to stay until newborn (DC2) is significantly older? And when is a reasonable time to let him visit?

So background, I'm due soonish. My FIL has recently spent the weekend at ours in order to spend some time with DC1 (young toddler) before the baby comes along. DH's family live a days journey away, so whenever my in laws visit (separately, as they are divorced) they tend to stay 3-5 days. When we had DC1 it was lockdown so got away with no visits from them for months.

My FIL is next to useless. For example, this recent visit he has not offered to change a single nappy, do a bottle, cook a meal, go to shops, entertain DC1 solo, tidy, he's not even taken the dog a walk. Even when we're all playing with DC1, FIL just sits on the sofa and looks at him, chuckles sporadically and ONCE made a half hearted attempt to read him a book. Normally I wouldn't care too much but I'm heavily pregnant, anaemic and DC1 is going through a sleep regression so both us parents are tired. DH is picking up the slack for me but even he is exhausted. DH is used to this level of unhelpful-ness from his dad, but I find it harder to forgive.

Towards the end of the visit FIL made noises about coming up again once the new baby is here. I said something about it being a bit crazy last time with DC1 (understatement - I was recovering from a Csection and had PND!) so tried to put him off & didn't commit to any timeframe. DH now says anything longer than 2 months would be rude but I simply do not want this man in my home again anytime soon. Preferably when DC2 is 4 months minimum.

I suppose this has just become a bit of a rant but would still like to know when is an appropriate time to allow FIL up, baring in mind he will do next to nothing to help with a baby.

Let him visit earlier but stick him in a premier inn. That way you'll have some time without him each day. Also tell him what to do so he can be slightly less unhelpful.

As long as the rules you put in place are adhered to by all grandparents, I don't see a problem.
I do think it rather sad that you don't want him to meet his grandchild though.

The appropriate time is whenever you're ready. Which could be months/years. If DH wants to see him he can take your older child to FIL on his own and leave you and new baby at home in peace!

If you are recovering from a difficult birth or/and PND then it is completely understandable not to want visitors. Also I imagine for a at least a month in any circumstances you wouldn't want overnight guests, unless its a very close family member who you know will either help or you can leave to happily amuse themselves.

However if im honest I don't know how much practical help its realistic to expect from your FIL, maybe he just wants want to chill out around his Grandkids and doesn't want to do childcare? I think its ok for him to be like this as long as he doesn't expect you to wait on him hand and foot.

I don't think its fair to expect him to walk your dog and change nappies.

Yup.. have him come but stay nearby.

Why would you expect your FIL to change nappies and cook meals etc when he is a guest in your house?
But anyway, you are quite entitled to not have him to stay, as long as you are consistent in your 'rules' with other grandparents.

Explain to your DH you don’t want another man in your space 24/7 while you’re still dealing with post partum bleeding, getting to grips with breastfeeding and leaking everywhere because you’re supposed to be recovering which can’t be done if you aren’t relaxed. If it’s after dh has gone back to work after paternity then it’ll be so much extra work on you, and before is far too soon for visitors.

Did you or DH ask FIL to walk the dog or go to the shops ?
I can see why he may not rush to do nappy changing - my DF point blank refused to do that - but the other stuff, he may have happily done it if asked. DF would have no idea what to do - thankfully he always came as a package with DM - but if I asked him to do something specific, he'd have a go.

It needs to be made clear in advance, that only helpers, NOT guests, are welcome in the three months after new baby arrives.

I'd tell FIL he is welcome to come for a week but his role will be to cook the evening meal every day and to clear up afterwards.

If he is prepared to do something useful and bear some of the load, then he is welcome. If he just expects to sit there and contribute nothing, then now is not the time.

I think you need to tell him what you want him to do - eg your DH should ask him to walk the dog. I'm not sure why, if he was just staying for a weekend, you would be annoyed that he hasn't changed nappies or made bottles. I wouldn't expect him to do that.

It's perfectly reasonable not to want visitors staying in your home just after you give birth, but you should apply the same rules for all grandparents.

Because it's what good families do.

I think as a PP said just say it’s only if he feels up to helping. That you’ll be exhausted and then set out the help you’ll need. That way he’s clear on what needs doing when he visits.

So about expecting him to change nappies, do a dinner, etc, as that seems to have irked some ... I don't really expect him to do all these things but they were just some examples of SOMETHING he could have done to have been useful, instead of literally watching me struggle. Weirdly he normally does enjoy walking the dog and usually offers but just not this visit for some reason! Also, I'm clearly judging him by my family's standards, we would all be happy to do these things.

Tbf to DH, before his dad came up he did say to him that it wouldn't be a normal visit (they usually go to the pub a couple of times, have hungover lie ins, I make them a fry up etc) and that we'd need a hand but obviously FIL didn't really get this or just decided to ignore.

Also it's worth saying he has 3 kids & 4 other grandchildren, he knows how to help out. I do think my SIL are more direct with him, I could probably be more direct but don't want to be overstepping.

I didn't say I don't want him to meet his grandchild full stop! Jeezo that would be a bit ott!

He might also be worried about overstepping. As we can see from other threads on here it can be hard to find the right balance between overstepping/taking over completely/behaving like a guest/ creating more work for your hosts. You need to speak to him and be clear about what you want. He can't guess

I think every family has a different dynamic. Some people would find someone offering to do some of these things intrusive or an implied judgement. I hate hate hate it when my MIL tidies as it feels like she is saying that the house is messy. I don't mind if she wants to change a nappy. I hate anyone else cooking in my kitchen, just barely tolerate DH.

If you want him to do more, I would try asking but I also think your expectations are a bit OTT

My FIL (and MIL) never did either. MIL would cook, but I didn't really like the way she took over in my house but DP stepped up and managed that situation tactfully.
They never helped with childcare and rarely interacted with DD but were slightly better with DH's older children.
Sounds like your FIL expects to be a house guest not a helper. Fine, it's good to know the expectations, but if your DH is keen for his Dad to visit, then he has to step up and take that extra load.

I think putting him up in a hotel near to you is a good idea, and get your DH to make it clear that when he does visit you, it is for short visits only. I wouldn’t have been comfortable with a guest in my home 24/7 when I was recovering from the birth and getting to grips with breastfeeding, let alone an unhelpful guest.

@eatsleepeatrepeat I completely understand why you wouldnt want to have someone else in the house straight after the birth but i think a couple of months down the line, assuming things go relatively normally, would be dooable so long as you set (your DH) ground rules. He just needs to say to his dad 'Hey dad, last time you came it was a bit chaotic. Now we have a new born, we would love you to stay for a few days but please can you help, cook / washup and / or walk the dog or help tidy kids toys away'.

He is a guest so expecting this every day would be wrong but asking to cook 1 meal (even treating you to a takeaway) isnt a big ask, nor is doing some washing up after dinner. You DH needs to manage this by saying 'dad, can you do the washing up' etc. when he stays.

But i dont agree with the rhetoric of others saying ban him from coming full stop. He is your DH's father. If you let his mother visit, and your parents / mum / dad, then you have to treat him equally. A lot of MN hate men so any opportunity to ban.a man from the house is like a golden ticket. Your DH needs to manage this with clear boundaries. If he deviates or does something you don't agree then you have a DH problem not a FIL problem. If FIL stays and doesnt pull his weight then you can tell your DH he has to cut his trip short.

Thanks for responses - I will defo try to be more proactive if I need help when he next visits. He clearly thinks he is to be waited on hand and foot at the minute so I will reiterate to DH that FIL will really need it underlined if he's up after the birth (particularly if it's sooner than I'd prefer) then he will have to muck in a bit. Even just washing some dishes would've been a vast improvement 🙈

With regards to other grandparents, my parents live round the corner so will be in and out. They are very hands on. My MIL is very hands on too so no qualms on her visit but I would of course treat them equally. If she came up then he would be invited around the same time too.

Your DH needs to manage this. If you both discuss and agree to xyz and get on the same page then he can speak to his dad before he comes and tell him he needs to do some washing up or tidying / make a cup of tea etc. i have always said communication is the key to every situation and this can definitely be resolved by communication.

Good luck with baby number 2 and whatever happens, enjoy every moment cause they grow up so fast!

Of course FIL should have pitched in. Did he just sit on the sofa watching MIL run round like a blue-a&$ed fly when his DC were small?

“Sorry FIL we won’t have the bandwidth to look after a guest when DC2 arrives. We’ll invite you down when things are settled”. If he says he will help then give him a list of things to do.

Thanks! I will have a chat with DH when we next get a moment to ourselves haha.

Yeh I think a part of me is also really worried about potentially getting PND again. It did make the first few months of DC1 very difficult and I honestly can't remember much of it sadly. I desperately want this time to be different 💗