AIBU don't want FIL staying after birth

[eatsleepeatrepeat]

AIBU to not want my FIL to stay until newborn (DC2) is significantly older? And when is a reasonable time to let him visit?

So background, I'm due soonish. My FIL has recently spent the weekend at ours in order to spend some time with DC1 (young toddler) before the baby comes along. DH's family live a days journey away, so whenever my in laws visit (separately, as they are divorced) they tend to stay 3-5 days. When we had DC1 it was lockdown so got away with no visits from them for months.

My FIL is next to useless. For example, this recent visit he has not offered to change a single nappy, do a bottle, cook a meal, go to shops, entertain DC1 solo, tidy, he's not even taken the dog a walk. Even when we're all playing with DC1, FIL just sits on the sofa and looks at him, chuckles sporadically and ONCE made a half hearted attempt to read him a book. Normally I wouldn't care too much but I'm heavily pregnant, anaemic and DC1 is going through a sleep regression so both us parents are tired. DH is picking up the slack for me but even he is exhausted. DH is used to this level of unhelpful-ness from his dad, but I find it harder to forgive.

Towards the end of the visit FIL made noises about coming up again once the new baby is here. I said something about it being a bit crazy last time with DC1 (understatement - I was recovering from a Csection and had PND!) so tried to put him off & didn't commit to any timeframe. DH now says anything longer than 2 months would be rude but I simply do not want this man in my home again anytime soon. Preferably when DC2 is 4 months minimum.

I suppose this has just become a bit of a rant but would still like to know when is an appropriate time to allow FIL up, baring in mind he will do next to nothing to help with a baby.

I wouldn’t have wanted anyone staying in my home when my children were babies. For me it would have been intolerable, due to me wanting to breastfeed in peace, eat and sleep when I wanted to and be able to wander around in PJs in my own home.

Put your foot down @eatsleepeatrepeat and say NO.

I think it's MUCH easier NOT to put a time frame on this now because you can't win. Far better to agree to wait and see how the birth goes, and then put him off until you are ready which may well be two months.

In the mean time, get your DH in the right place about what it's reasonable to expect FIL to do.

You cannot complain about him not doing things if you don't ask and have never expected it before. If he helps elsewhere because they ask, take the hint. You can't worry about overstepping while simultaneously being arsey that he's not psychic....

Perhaps he's worried about overstepping.......?

My in laws are lovely, but pretty useless unless asked to do something directly. Although sometimes I will give them specific instructions, and while they still do whatever it is I asked, it usually won’t be how I actually wanted. Eg I ask ‘can you start making dinner at half 5 so it’ll be ready in time for me to eat before bed time at half 7’ (recipe only takes 20 mins). They did make dinner, but it was ready at nearly half 8!

For their first visit post birth I insisted that they couldn’t visit before 5 weeks, and that they had to stay in a hotel. We also made it clear from the outset that we wouldn’t be hosting them as normal - usually I cook and clean and they are guests. I think setting the expectation helped. Although FIL was mostly useless, he didn’t get in the way, and did at least hold the baby a bit so I could do other things.

@Harrysmummy246 I said in that post that DH did say to FIL before he came up that we'd need a bit of help, but this was either ignored or forgotten by FIL. Like I said above though, I plan on being more proactive with him next time and asking for help.

I certainly wasn't arsey with him either, my post was a bit of a rant but I didn't rant to him.

Yet there are plenty of threads on here saying the opposite and ot is intrusive.

I do like the idea of him staying in a hotel 😂 FIL is loaded so that shouldn't be a problem for him! If it were me, I would much rather stay in the nice hotel round the corner than kip on a sofa bed next door to a newborn who will be up half a dozen times a night (if they are anything like DC1 lol).

Will float this with DH for sure

Imagine expecting to spend a week with people who have a newborn and toddler, be waited on the entire time and not lift a finger to help!

You're not the rude one OP. It's no one's fault but FIL's that you aren't keen for him stay and that this will delay him meeting his new grandchild.

I think him staying nearby is a good compromise!

I’d say sooner but make it clear he’s expected to help, as in, “That’s great, we could really use an extra pair of hands.” And then tell him what to do - “Hey Bob, walk the dog for half an hour.” “Hey Bob, put the kettle on. I’m desperate for a cup of tea.” “Hey Bob, you’re on dinner duty tonight.”

Your best bet might be to have him stay in a hotel for a couple of days when DH is coming towards the end of his paternity leave (so you've had a couple of weeks to settle in). FIL pops round for an hour in the morning to visit, DH and FIL take older child and dog out for the day, you spend the day just caring for the newborn, they bring back takeaway or ready-to-heat dinners, then FIL goes back to the hotel.

He sounds quite typical of a man of his generation. My DDad doted on my kids but never changed a nappy of theirs, bathed them, fed them (although I breastfed) etc. He would play with them when they were older if they asked but wouldn't have spontaneously got on the floor to play Duplo or Happyland for example or offer to make a cup of tea.
I think it would be a shame not to facilitate a visit (but I'd leave it until at least 4-6 weeks after the baby is born). Could you be a bit more pro-active in asking him to do something to help? I suspect it's not that he's lazy, it's just that it would never cross his mind that these things need doing. Send him out with the dog, ask him to put the kettle on, send him to the park with DC1 for half an hour etc.

He sounds quite typical of a man of his generation

This

Aside from walking the dog Your expectations are a bit OTT sorry OP.

@cantcomplainabouttheweather & @mrsfoof - i know what you mean, but my dad is the same age, and also had 3 kids (like FIL) and he is raging FIL just sat on the couch all weekend 🙈

As said on previous posts, going to try to be more forthcoming with instruction/asking for help

Its not difficult, just learn to say no - it's not convenient at the moment. You don't need to explain.

Why wouldn't you? Mine stayed when DS was born and he cooked every meal, cleaned up, helped where he could. He's family, not a guest.

Our DD lives abroad. When our DGC was born we travelled after our SiL went back to work after his 2 weeks paternity leave. We stayed at the hotel and drove over every morning and back in the evening. We took care of everything possible : our todler GC, the kitchen, the shopping, the laundry etc. We went to help, not to "visit".