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Original poster

Fallen out with child and never spoken again?

49 replies

Fancydancer1934 · 24/07/2022 20:25

Just that really - I have just had the most awful row with my grown up daughter - a lot of bad things said - and bad because they were true. She has left and at this moment in time I feel that's for the best. I don't know how we can come back from what we've said to eachother. Has any mom on here ever been so angry - or any daughter - that you feel like you cannot see that person again?

OP posts:
buttercuplizzy · 24/07/2022 20:41

I decided to go no contact with my Mum early in the year. It wasn't from a one of argument, but from a lifetime of issues I had with her and I decided it was best for my mental wellbeing to call it a day with our relationship as she will never be the Mother I want or need her to be...

... in your circumstances, is this a one off argument or are there deeper issues? To go no contact over one argument seems quite drastic and sad. No contact feels like a last resort when a relationship cannot be salvaged... perhaps you can wait for the dust to settle and reassess.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/07/2022 20:43

a lot of bad things said - and bad because they were true

That's not anger about an argument then. That's a lot of much deeper issues. Does anyone want to look at family therapy?

Mindymomo · 24/07/2022 20:44

I’ve had a good few arguments with my adult son, he will never apologise, even when he’s in the wrong. We don’t speak for a few days then I say shall we make up and I apologise as I can’t stand the silence any more and the atmosphere it causes. I hope you can make it up soon, we all say things in the heat of the moment.

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MichelleScarn · 24/07/2022 20:45

I suppose it would depend on argument and what's driving it? Hugely different religious general beliefs? One of you who think handmaid's tale is a guide to life? Or massive extinction rebellion supporter?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2022 20:45

It sounds like it’s been brewing if you both had awful things to say about each other. So a break is wise and whether you can come back from it is something only time can tell, and only possible if you’re both up to apologising whole heartedly and trying to treat each other better.

Blood is no reason to maintain a relationship which damages either party.

Are you sad or relieved this has happened? Was what she said to you fair do you think? Will you miss her?

HollowTalk · 24/07/2022 20:49

How long have things been bad for? What kind of things were said? Do you have a partner she can talk to or does she have any siblings? I think one thing you learn as a parent is one to actually apologise for your part in things. Pride has no place in parenting!

Original poster
Fancydancer1934 · 24/07/2022 21:05

It's been brewing for ages. She is 27 and her and her bf live with me. I split with her dad 18 years ago due to his drinking but I think she blames me. Her and the bf are slobs - they don't tidy and leave the house like a shit hole. We all work full time but only me cleaning. Anyway tonight she's in the shower and I put the washing machine on - then she starts screaming saying it's a crap place to live and she's only here because it's free! So she's said she doesn't want to be here and I'm a cunt! Who calls their mum that? Anyway she and the bf gone so I'm just trying to make sense of what's happened but really don't feel like seeing her atm - but still love her!

OP posts:
Pinkspice · 24/07/2022 21:10

I don't think this would be a dealbreaker for me, but I would be thinking it's time for her to move out. She sounds spoilt and entitled and a bit of time having to pay her own bills and clean up after herself living away will do her and your relationship the world of good.

People shouldn't be living like teenagers and taking their parents for granted at 27!

Staynow · 24/07/2022 21:14

If you both want to come back from it then of course you can. People call each other all sorts in the heat of the moment sometimes - I'm sure the cold water was a bit of a shock! It's time for her to move out though and then you can slowly start to repair your relationship, it will be much easier when you're not living together.

Buddingbudlia · 24/07/2022 21:17

Sounds like she's done you a favour 😂

HumunaHey · 24/07/2022 21:20

Fancydancer1934 · 24/07/2022 21:05

It's been brewing for ages. She is 27 and her and her bf live with me. I split with her dad 18 years ago due to his drinking but I think she blames me. Her and the bf are slobs - they don't tidy and leave the house like a shit hole. We all work full time but only me cleaning. Anyway tonight she's in the shower and I put the washing machine on - then she starts screaming saying it's a crap place to live and she's only here because it's free! So she's said she doesn't want to be here and I'm a cunt! Who calls their mum that? Anyway she and the bf gone so I'm just trying to make sense of what's happened but really don't feel like seeing her atm - but still love her!

Give her time to cool off. She's been getting a cushy free ride from you. The reality of leaving will soon sink in and I'm sure it'll humble her.

MichelleScarn · 24/07/2022 21:23

She and her bf need to move out at some point. Nows a good time!

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 24/07/2022 21:23

What's happened is her/their free ride has ran out....
Keep your doors locked. Have their stuff outside for them.
Any agro you ring the police.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2022 21:24

Oh wow. Well it’s a good thing they’ve gone. That’s truly appalling behaviour. Have they taken all their stuff?

You need and deserve a break. Get your home back. Get your life back. In time I hope she’ll realise what you did for them and apologise but it might take a while and if her bf is egging her on it might be more complicated.

Smartiepants79 · 24/07/2022 21:26

She needs to move out, now. Right now.
Maybe some grown up honesty about the past.
Then give it some time and hopefully you’ll find a way back to each other.

Londontown12 · 24/07/2022 21:27

I think u can work throu this ! It’s probably good thou she’s gone but at 27 she needs to grow up !
most people who go NC with parents myself included isn’t just after one big argument it’s usually been brewing for a while and the parents have narcissistic personalities and make the child feel crap all the time x

LondonWolf · 24/07/2022 21:27

It wouldn't be the end for me, I get over arguments and conflict with loved ones easily and quickly though unless the dynamic has been long term toxic. I would use this opportunity to tell her she needs to move out ASAP though.

Maggit · 24/07/2022 21:28

I think I'd say, Yes you're right, living together isn't working out for any of us, you have three weeks to find a new home. I don't think your relationship will survive more cohabiting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2022 21:29

LondonWolf · 24/07/2022 21:27

It wouldn't be the end for me, I get over arguments and conflict with loved ones easily and quickly though unless the dynamic has been long term toxic. I would use this opportunity to tell her she needs to move out ASAP though.

How often has someone who’s meant to love you called you a cunt?

Bunnynames101 · 24/07/2022 21:33

Change the locks and put their stuff out front. Getting a free ride at 27 is ridiculous and she should be embarrassed. (I say this as someone only a couple of years older than her and is well aware of the challenges our age group face first hand). She's an entitled adult brat.

daffodilandtulip · 24/07/2022 21:34

This sounds like a "Christmas day" argument, not an end of relationship argument. You've spent too much time together, it's not natural at that age. You want a tidy house and she's probably resentful she doesn't have her own house yet.

Original poster
Fancydancer1934 · 24/07/2022 21:38

Hi all yes they have taken their stuff. Left their keys and gone to my daughter's paternal grandparents. They won't leave her house like a shit hole! I'm so mad. Ive allowed all sorts of behaviour as I feel guilty but deep down ive allowed this to happen. My own fault but I guess I've over compensated for leaving her dad. But having said that feel like a great weight has been lifted and I'm not being taken advantage of any more. I'll update - I'm sure we will speak to each other & won't we?

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Greensleeves · 24/07/2022 21:40

I haven't spoken to my sister or mother since 2001 and 2005 respectively, and I am unlikely ever to do so again. I don't regret that fact - I regret that it was necessary, and that I don't have a less dysfunctional family, but I don't miss them and I don't want them back in my life, at all. There's no anger in it any more - I just don't want them anywhere near me.

It wasn't one blazing row, though. It took years to get to that point, and it wasn't a spur of the moment thing decided in a rage. So I'd suggest calming down and letting the dust settle before you make any life-changing decisions. I'd advise your daughter the same.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/07/2022 21:40

It's a difficult age I remember falling out with DS at that age. He needed to move out and grow up a bit. He's fine now.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 24/07/2022 21:40

I was estranged from my mother for a while. She apologized to me after she had a health scare and we rebuilt a relationship as I wanted to try and have some happy memories of her going forward. But I am not sure she ever really understood why the thing she did were not ok (throwing away all of my childhood possessions, making no effort to see me when my father won custody, letting her alcoholic husband verbally abuse me when I did go to live with her, playing her children off against each other). I think she apologized for leaving my father, which was never the issue for me. I would like to have had an open discussion with her, and a chance to see it from her point of view. And to know she had heard mine. I was not able to do that as my mother could never admit any fault on her part. If you and your daughter do get to the point you want to reconcile, openness is the best policy I think.