Fallen out with child and never spoken again?

[Fancydancer1934]

Just that really - I have just had the most awful row with my grown up daughter - a lot of bad things said - and bad because they were true. She has left and at this moment in time I feel that's for the best. I don't know how we can come back from what we've said to eachother. Has any mom on here ever been so angry - or any daughter - that you feel like you cannot see that person again?

It has happened and I got over it. It certainly wouldn't sever my relationship with my own child. Would you seriously end your relationship with your child over that?

Sorry I mean to quote @AnneLovesGilbert there.

Agree.

I am a 27 year old daughter who has had no contact with either parents for nearly three years.

I am really very sorry that you are facing this situation, I can really empathise with the hurt, stress and shear worrying uncertainty of the situation. Try to take some time to breathe and recognise your own feelings and needs. Living with adult children or being an adult children living with parents is a really difficult dynamic especially when you add a partner into that situation. I agree with other PP who advise for her to find other permanent living arrangements, if you decide to keep in contact you’re going to need your own space and time to manage the relationship.

I won’t share too much of my situation but from my perspective, I had a life time of abuse and neglect from a narcissist parent. NC wasn’t a simple or immediate decision and really was their choice after they demonstrated an unwillingness to acknowledge my hurt or change. Each situation is wrapped up in its own complexities and it requires both people to want to try to repair and reshape the relationship.

Yes I do think it'll blow over. But do not let her move back in, regardless. And truthfully , that's a shocking way to talk to you-I would have flung her out.

She is an adult and they need to get their own place and to mature. Plan and carry out a room redesign for her old room and launch a big house tidying project! It'll help you to feel better.

I'm in the same boat,he can be so stubborn and argumentative for no reason. It's wearing. He needs to move on to the next stage of his life and away from me,we might get on then!

cant say i ever called one of my parents a cunt thats really low

if she doesnt like free accomodation she can look for something else-dont know why her gps having taken them in their 27 not 17

youve probably been a bit soft with her does she know her father is an alcoholic and thats why you left

Look, it's obviously you will all talk again but frankly this is the very best thing that could've happened. I would change the locks tomorrow and I'd sort the house out so that it was mine again. I wouldn't have them live with me again. They are old enough to look after themselves.

What I wouldn't do now is message them. Let them have a bloody good think about their behaviour.

Perhaps now that she's out of the house, you could have a better relationship with each other. Don't let in go on too long as it gets harder to reconcile and from experience, be that person that makes the first move.

In my late teens (and to a lesser extent my early twenties) I had occasional big rows with my parents and at the time I felt like never speaking to whichever of them it was again, one time I didn’t speak to my dad for over a month.

But now we get on great, I think for me it was part of the inevitable clash when the child is no longer a child but still reliant on their parents, I wanted to be an independent adult and make my own decisions and they still saw me as a little girl who needed to do things their way. It was a phase and as I say we have great relationships now - one argument is not the end of a relationship.

I haven’t spoken to my mother in almost a year and it was down to worse than that. That’s not that bad an argument to be honest.

what gets to me the most is the fact she has never tried to make it right. To me it should be her because it was her behaviour that caused this and she is the parent regardless of how old I am. I would never do it to my children, even if they didn’t want to speak to me I would attempt contact constantly.

This really doesn’t sound like a relationship ending argument, and as the mother it’s your job to love your daughter even if she’s a massive shit. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have boundaries or that she needs to live with you, but you can’t never speak to your own daughter again because she called you a cunt one time and was messy in the house. I think you just need to let the dust settle and reach out when the time is right. Hopefully you can both forgive each other and forge a more mature relationship once she is living independently.

It was really time for you to stand up to your daughter and her bf. You need time to let the dust settle as you have been treated appallingly and verbally abused. I get you are probably used to avoiding mega conflict for the sake of peace so she’s likely in shock.

Do you remember what you said to her that would make you think the relationship is damaged?

Ahh, a mother’s place is in the wrong! We always question ourselves, but you are just guilty of doing your best! I had to tell my adult daughter that ‘enough was enough’, a few years ago due to her always treating me like shit. She wasn’t living at home at the time. It was much worse when she was. She still managed to manipulate and abuse (my therapist word) me though. I miss the lovely little girl she was, but not the adult she became.

It sounds like it was the situation that was the problem so it should be fixable after a bit of breathing space. Don't let them move back in if things don't work out or if you do, expect rent and equal effort in terms of housework.

What did you say back when she shouted all this?
I wouldn't be worrying about her never speaking to you again, I would worry about what to do when she asks to come back.

You probably will speak again if the main issue was the mess. It might take a while for you both to cool down. It took a year for me and a close family to make up but in some ways the break was a bit of a relief! Try not to blame yourself for the break up. It takes two. Once yoy make up you'll need to clear the air about the divirce. Its not fair to have that on your shoulders. 💐

Hugs.
In time this will be sorted .
You all need time to cool off.

I think this will have been a blessing in disguise. You can now have a clean and calm space . Your daughter and her bf will realize how hard life is alone and actually appreciate what you did ( once they have cooled off)

Noone should be living rent free at 27 and not contributing to the chores . You weren’t doing your daughter any favors by letting her be a free loader .

It might take weeks or months but you will make up .

then she starts screaming saying it's a crap place to live and she's only here because it's free

Call her downstairs and ask then both to sign a tennancy agreement for the going rate or sod off. Problem solved.

This isn’t end of contact stuff. This is they’ve flounced off and she’ll be back stuff. Just stay strong and silent and let her make contact - I’m sure she will.

27 is quite old to be still living at home amd with a partner too. She needs to get her own place and you both will get along better OP.

Why does she not pay rent or the BF?! They both will have a rude awakening paying rent in their own place.

From what you've said, as devastating as it is to hear her be so disrespectful, I don't think it's something you should cut ties with her for.

Yes you're hurting now and rightly so but once the dust has settled I am sure you can make up.

She absolutely needs to apologise though & acknowledge that she's a spoilt brat that needs to grow up.

Ignore her for a bit, make her sweat. If you're relationship is good otherwise, it will recover.

My friend had to ask her daughter to leave the family home. They've had several years of her daughter not managing to pay her rent, being made homeless and sleeping on friends floors or at boyfriends' houses or with boyfriend's families.

Afterwards everyone complains about how she won't contribute financially, is inconsiderate and never helps with anything. She is now back at my friend's house and hasn't changed. My friend loves her daughter and is glad they are speaking again but I can't see it lasting long.