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Parenting

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Original poster

I think something is wrong with me

39 replies

littlerayofsunshine0 · 21/07/2022 20:00

I'd like to start off by saying I have 2 beautiful children who I love dearly and I'd give my life for them but I'm really lonely, miserable and unable to cope anymore.
My kids are 4 & 5 and I'm a full time sahm. I knew it was never going to be sunshine & rainbows but I equally didn't know it would be this hard either.
All my time is with the kids and dp when he's not at work. There's never time for me. My days are spent doing what's needed round the house, cooking, taking the kids out (when I can summon the strength) and dealing with squealing, screaming, crying and constantly on demand to the point I'm totally feeling burned out now. Almost 5 yrs I've spent at home doing the same thing day in, day out. I've no friends and no real family support (my parents are unwell and my siblings don't live close by) the only conversations I have are with my kids. I've even now lost any conversation topic with my partner because I simply don't have anything interesting to talk about. Things run a bit deeper than that, that I don't really want to venture into regarding my relationship as well. So to cut to the chase I feel like I've lost myself completely. I'm alive but I'm not living a life. Things with the kids are grinding me down. Just dealing with tantrums day after day after day. The kids can get along at times but most times they argue and it's tantrums galore. Even going to the shop is a struggle, I feel like everyone is watching. At home when the noise hits a certain level I lose it and just break down. I cant think or function properly. I'm disgusted that my kids are seeing me basically have a nervous break down. I look at myself in the mirror and no longer recognise the woman staring back at me.
I'm lost

OP posts:

Twattergy · 21/07/2022 20:04

Does your partner share parenting and household responsibilities when he's not at work?
Will you get more time to yourself from September when wither 1 or both of your kids will be at school?
I am sorry you are feeling so lost, you sound like a good person who is understandably struggling.

AsanteSanaSquashBanana · 21/07/2022 20:24

Could you try and make friends with the mums of your kids friends? Meeting other mums was what saved my sanity when I first had my daughter. If your children are in school / nursery say yes to all the party invites / play dates and sign them up to clubs where parents have to stay and watch. It's so hard starting the first awkward chat with other parents but there will be so many like you wishing they had someone to talk to other than their kids

Fritilleries · 21/07/2022 20:26

Go back to work.... I did. Saved me.

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MolliciousIntent · 21/07/2022 20:28

How come they're not at school?

Emarjha · 21/07/2022 20:31

That’s just what parenting is like unfortunately. You’ll feel much better when they’re both at school.

Quitelikeit · 21/07/2022 20:31

organise play dates? Go to the park etc this is where you will get chatting to other parents

also sounds like you may be a little depressed so you should contact your gp

sorry you feel this way you sound like a great friend to me

blebbleb · 21/07/2022 20:32

Is the 5 year old not at school yet? Perhaps you could get a part time job? Give yourself some independence and adult time.

Alitlebitsleepy · 21/07/2022 20:33

It's understandable that you're feeling this way if you never get time to be 'you'. I think you need to have some regular time scheduled in when your partner is off work to go off and do whatever you want to do. It might also be an idea to schedule in some time for just you and your partner to have some date time to help with conversation and reconnecting. I know this depends on help from babysitters but I think it's important for a relationship if you can find a way.

I also wonder whether it would benefit you to get back into work. You're clearly worn down by being a SAHM and you've done so well to do it for so long but maybe now is the time to change your daily routine? It is so refreshing to go into work and have adult conversation.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 21/07/2022 20:33

Go back to work, do a night course or demand every Sunday morning ‘off’ and go somewhere away from all the family stress.

Soggycrisps · 21/07/2022 20:34

How do you feel when you think about working?

It seems like that would tick so many of the boxes that you are lacking, it would give you adult conversation, get you out of the house, increase your self esteem, gives you the opportunity to make new friends the list goes on.

I think your reaction is normal to your situation but if you're really struggling to make positive changes then maybe it's worth speaking to your GP about how you feel.

Holly60 · 21/07/2022 20:34

Yea like PPs I'm a little confused as your 5 year old is school-age, as your 4 year old will be in September?

CantaloupeMelon · 21/07/2022 20:35

Being a SAHM isn't for everyone OP, and there's no shame in that. If I was you I'd start looking for a job.

Llamasally · 21/07/2022 20:35

What @Fritilleries said. Even PT, even if not financially worth it. It will do wonders believe me.

WTF475878237NC · 21/07/2022 20:36

You don't need to go back to work necessarily.

You need equal leisure time to your husband so you can develop interests and hobbies for yourself, which will also bring a new social life.

jammiewhammie65 · 21/07/2022 20:36

In September won't they both be at school. Could you work part time to give yourself a bit of variety outside the house.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2022 20:36

Get a job. I could t have managed 5 years. Just over one was awful enough.

Nottodayseagull · 21/07/2022 20:37

There's nothing wrong with you, we're not meant to be alone with our dc for years it's enough to drive anyone to the edge of sanity. It's natural to need other people and time on your own and for yourself too. You need something like a regular walk/ swim on your own. DC signed up to school and nursery. Mum friends- there's apps you can meet people on and there's other mums in the same boat at drop off. Work for you? If you get childcare sorted is there something you could go for/ that you used to do? Don't turn to food or alcohol, keep making connections. Your dc will thrive and so will you with a few more people in your world. It may seem like a mountain to climb right now but it's the way out of feeling like this.

Comedycook · 21/07/2022 20:37

Is the eldest at school? I presume so if they're 5. Surely then the four year old will be off to school in September? If so, life will get a whole lot easier once they're both at school!

VintageVest · 21/07/2022 20:41

I recognise some of what you say. It is so easy to lose your identity when you are a SAHM, never switching off from looking after anyone else.

Mum friends save me. They don't care if I look like shit and don't have many interesting opinions and anecdotes to share. You do have to put in a bit of energy to find people though.

I'm guilty of not taking any time for myself. I sort of forget to, then moan that I never do anything. As soon as my eldest is in school, Im joining a gym with a creche and I will at least be able to relax in the pool once a week on my own.

Will you have both in school in September? Hopefully things will be easier then and you can take some time to look after yourself a little.

UnagiForLife · 21/07/2022 20:45

It can feel very isolating and lonely being a SAHP but you are nearly there! Mine both started preschool at 3 and worked up to their 15 free hours by the time they were 4 and that’s when I started finding myself again. Now they’re both at school and I’ve gone back to work part time and I’m loving this bit. It was hard going at times but the bond we have due to me being with them 24/7 when they were little is incredible, I don’t regret it even though it was tough. Hang in there, you’re so nearly at the sweet spot.

qpmz · 21/07/2022 21:34

Emarjha · 21/07/2022 20:31

That’s just what parenting is like unfortunately. You’ll feel much better when they’re both at school.

It's not what parenting is. We don't have to sacrifice ourselves for years and be miserable. How can we give our best to the children if we're not looking after ourselves?

OP - what do you need for you right now? Will your husband not take them out on a weekend and give you a day to yourself? Can you put them in childcare and go for lunch/drinks with friends? You deserve to have time in the week, every week to do things for YOU.

Original poster

littlerayofsunshine0 · 21/07/2022 21:52

Thanks for the kind replies...
A lot asking me are the kids not on school. I should mention they turn 4& 5 later in the year. Its summer holidays so school isn't back until Sept by which then yes one will be starting primary & the other attending nursery.

I've tried reaching out to other mums I know (only 2 who both work). I live in a small town with not much happening in it in regards to activities to meet other mums that have kids the same age. And when I do manage to bump into someone at the park for example I'm stumped on what to talk about as I have been isolated for so long. I'm usually the one just standing listening (which I honestly don't mind as I'd rather hear another woman's voice seeing as I'm only listening to my kids)

I also find I can't fully disconnect from watching where the kids are, are they safe, are they OK 😔 to think clear enough to engage properly with another person. It took me almost 10 yrs to have them and since I have I'm realising my anxiety is through the roof that I'm worrying all the time and worrying what others think of my parenting and I cant seem to snap out of that.

To the comments telling me to go back to work. That's ideally what I'd like, even p/t to fit around school hours. To gain some independence and earn some money and actually feel like I've achieved something at the end of the day instead of tidying up toys and cushions and whatever mess I've tidied up 3millions times a day that is constantly messed up again! I just feel like I'm getting no where being at home. I want the kids to see mum work and have friends even just 1 friend. Instead of hearing them ask "who's your friends mummy" 😔

Partner says if I go to work it leaves us paying for childcare and it's better off one works and one is at home for the kids. He's also from an old fashioned family where basically his mum stayed at home, reared 5 kids and done "the woman's job" whereas my parents both worked and my mum isn't one to fall into "the woman's job" category of staying at home. He's not understanding that I think I need that for some fulfillment. He makes me feel like I'm disgusting for complaining about being stuck at home with the kids while he's "worked his ass off all day" and just makes me feel like I'm ungrateful. Instead of trying to hear me and how depressed I am. He makes me feel like I'm basically telling him I hate being round my children. I DO NOT hate being round them but doing the same thing day in day out and dealing with the same noise and tantrums is mind numbing. All those yrs of trying for my kids I NEVER imagined my days being like this. I thought I'd be a great mum but all they see now is a woman who's broken and alone and isolated. And when I speak to other people they assume I'm working so when I say no I'm a sahm I feel shame for not working 😞

OP posts:

MolliciousIntent · 21/07/2022 21:55

Oh OP, the problem isn't the kids, it's your dickhead husband.

UnagiForLife · 21/07/2022 23:23

OP I can relate to so much of what you said. Your husband doesn’t sound very supportive though. Have you ever left home to look after the children without you there? I think if you did that, even if just for a day, he would have a new appreciation for what you do every day and how difficult and all consuming looking after young children is.

Stevienickssnickers · 21/07/2022 23:24

Your husband is a prick.

So two preschoolers - are you using your free hours? Obviously it's the holidays (unless they're at private nursery/childminder) but from September I'd be using my free hours for the youngest while your eldest is in school and volunteering/studying to get myself out of being "just a mum" and prepping for the next stage of your life.

I'd try to make a little plan of different activities you can do with the kids over the next few weeks, get out of the house as much you can and tbh, they can tidy up too. And that includes your husband.

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