I think something is wrong with me

[littlerayofsunshine0]

I'd like to start off by saying I have 2 beautiful children who I love dearly and I'd give my life for them but I'm really lonely, miserable and unable to cope anymore.
My kids are 4 & 5 and I'm a full time sahm. I knew it was never going to be sunshine & rainbows but I equally didn't know it would be this hard either.
All my time is with the kids and dp when he's not at work. There's never time for me. My days are spent doing what's needed round the house, cooking, taking the kids out (when I can summon the strength) and dealing with squealing, screaming, crying and constantly on demand to the point I'm totally feeling burned out now. Almost 5 yrs I've spent at home doing the same thing day in, day out. I've no friends and no real family support (my parents are unwell and my siblings don't live close by) the only conversations I have are with my kids. I've even now lost any conversation topic with my partner because I simply don't have anything interesting to talk about. Things run a bit deeper than that, that I don't really want to venture into regarding my relationship as well. So to cut to the chase I feel like I've lost myself completely. I'm alive but I'm not living a life. Things with the kids are grinding me down. Just dealing with tantrums day after day after day. The kids can get along at times but most times they argue and it's tantrums galore. Even going to the shop is a struggle, I feel like everyone is watching. At home when the noise hits a certain level I lose it and just break down. I cant think or function properly. I'm disgusted that my kids are seeing me basically have a nervous break down. I look at myself in the mirror and no longer recognise the woman staring back at me.
I'm lost

By the way can I add that I guarantee your children do not as you as broken. It may be how you are feeling inside but to them you are the most amazing person in the world, you are their mum.

Your partner can stay at home if he feels so strongly about it.

What did you do pre dc? Who were you?

What work did you do pre kids? Is there any way you could pick this up again in school time?

I went back to work. At first I did evening work. Then I did a college course to catch up on computers after five years SAHM. Found a lovely A-level student for the holidays the kids adored her.

OH said as long as it doesn't affect family life (HIMSELF) going back to work was fine part time

He can stay home if he cares so much about it. Please start looking for jobs if that's what yob want, especially in time for September. I think it would do wonders for your confidence and give you a sense of independence. Do you drive? I don't know how close to you are to the next town/city but there's apps like mush and peanut where you can chat to and make mum friends. Perhaps there's more mums in nearby areas you could meet. You never know, there could be someone nearby. Don't worry too much about not having a lot to say, people love a good listener. You could just make mindless small talk and the start anyway and go from there.

Your husband is out of order, how much childcare and housekeeping does he do? Once he’s home it should be shared and you should be getting some time to yourself on the weekend.

Honestly I’m a SAHM and I have a good whinge at DH that I’m really bored sometimes (a lot atm). He’s never made me feel bad about it, he recognises that being alone with a small child can be exhausting and trying (because he actually does it himself on a regular basis). There is an obliteration of self that can happen when you are isolated as a SAHM (personal experience). You feel like your whole life revolves around supporting and caring for other people and its a bit shit tbh. But it doesn’t have to stay that way x

In your shoes I would be looking to get back to work, you will get a bit of a breather soon to spend some time on yourself and decide what you want your life to look like.

I felt so sad reading your post. Your DH is a major part of the problem. He's not listening to you, supporting you or understanding you. It's no surprise you feel as you do. You sound a little depressed. You need something else in your life. I was a stay at home mum for 7 years. I never intended to be for so long but things happened that prevented me from returning to work (I had cancer, then we spent a year abroad for my DH's work). Anyway, as soon as I was able, I wanted to work. I eased in gently by getting a job as a lunchtime supervisor at a primary school. This was ideal as we didn't need child care and it was a good way to build my confidence, get me out of the house and meet new people. I was only there 7 months but I made a good friend who I still meet up with now. After that I got a part time office job. It's only 15 hours per week and fits in with the school hours. Every month I'll do one longer day (finishing at 4.30) but this is fine as my children can go to after school club, just one day a month. There are many flexible, part time jobs available. If you want to do office work I'd recommend looking at council/government jobs, NHS and university work. I work for a university and they often have part time work available. My friend works part time for the council. It's easy to get jobs where childcare isn't needed or maybe only for one day a week or something. Also, post Covid, nearly all companies are offering hybrid working so you can work from home some of the time. I barely need to use after school club now because on the days I work longer hours I work from home, quickly collect my children from school and then finish work at home. If you're not looking at office work then you could find part time work in shops, cafes etc. I find it much easier to make friends at work. I'm quite shy so not good at making friends on the school run (although I have, over time). At work you spend hours with people each day so I find they get to know me properly and see beyond the shyness. Please OP, ignore your husband's ridiculous attitude and do something for you, find a job or even enrol on an evening class or something. You need this.

Work is your answer. I lasted four months at home, work absolutely saved me.
Time for your DH to take his turn at being a SAHP and if he doesn't agree, marriage over and at least you'll get half of every week to yourself whilst he juggles 24/7 childcare alone. Remind him of that.

agree with the posts above - as soon as your children are in school / nursery, get yourself a job. or if no suitable jobs are available, then volunteer with a local charity. anything that gets you out of the house and talking to other adults.

and over this summer, you need some structure and planning to keep the kids from arguing and to keep yourself sane. How about if you make a plan of activities. one big activity per week and one small activity (out of the house) each day. write all your activities down & stick the plan on the fridge. show the kids & let them get excited about the trips. and then when you've done that days activity, let them watch TV for a bit while you get to chill.

Your husband is being a dick. You are a wife, not a slave.
You sound depressed so this might be hard but you need to start asserting yourself.
At weekends, you deserve a 50/50 split. Tell him that's what's happening from now. One of the weekend days he gets up with kids and is responsible for entertainment. You get a lie in and some time to do what you want.

He might be Billy big balls at work but at home your needs and wants are just as important as his. Fuck him. I'm angry on your behalf OP, you need to find your own anger.

Do you access your 30 free hours childcare? Would your husband ‘allow’ that so you can work? (I say allow, but frankly, he sounds a monstrous cunt so fuck him).

You sound really lonely and your relationships are just making you feel worse - husband and kids.

When it comes down to it, the only person who can 100% prioritise and understand you is you. You don't need your husband to understand - you don't need his validation for how you feel. He will be irritated because he doesn't know what the solution is and it sounds like this has been going on for a while. When the children go to school and nursery in September, can you find something that you enjoy doing that is just for you? A daily activity that you commit to and will give you some confidence and raise your self-esteem. I'm sure work is a good idea but you will have even less time for yourself - unless you find a fulfilling job that you love.

You just need to take a baby step in the right direction. Do you drive?

Hi OP, I do feel so sorry for you. You’ve it to be the one to take control and change things.

I think this summer holidays is the time for BIG CHANGE! The children are growing up
and off to school - why not have a huge clear out of all their own toys, clothes etc, to massively reduce the amount of ‘things’ you have to look after/put away.

Do you have access to money? If so, can you plan a few trips this summer? Can you book the children into some clubs over summer? When they’re back at school, could you look into afterschool extra-curricular activities for them?

Can you be brave and reach out to old friends, and invite them out over summer? Be the one to take control OP - You’ll be amazed at how many women are in the same situation as you, wishing they had some adults to hang out with.

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. I am a SAHM to a 4yo & 2yo and it's relentless some days. If you want to go back to work or pursue some further education he should support you. Why does the entire burden only childcare fall to you just because you are the mum? You can access free childcare hours & are their perhaps job options at a local school (midday lunch supervisors or something) which hours maybe easier to manage (if your DH is determined to be unsupportive). Your kids won't be this young forever so hang on in there & make some plans to get back to yourself again.