When does it get easier?

[eaudesbaux]

We have two DC, aged 3.5 and 4 months. No family help but DD is in nursery five days a week and we have a cleaner once a week. I am on maternity leave. DH is extremely hands on and does 50% of everything including nights.

Despite all of this, we are both on our knees with exhaustion. The house is a tip, DD is a bundle of energy. I've just had to throw away loads of food that had gone off in the fridge because I'd forgotten about it. Neither child is a particularly good sleeper and one of us often ends up going in to DD in the night. I am trying to EBF but we often end up giving DS a bottle of formula when I can't feed him for some reason. I feel completely pathetic when I know so many people have it much harder than us.

I'm rambling. But essentially, my question is... when does it get easier? Everything is a battle, I'm so tired all the time and when I think about my life pre kids I want to weep. I keep telling myself that this hard part will pass, it's a season, etc, but it doesn't really help. I look at the older couples with teenage kids on my street and I am consumed with envy that they sleep, travel, cook, go out. We haven't had a night out together since DD was born and bedtime is always such a late fiasco that I'm not sure we will be able to in the foreseeable future. It must get better, right?!

Help me Mumsnet, you're my only hope!

Thank you so much for these responses everyone. I am going to bookmark this thread for motivation. It helps knowing that others feel like this too.

Will reply properly in due course but to answer @gfwantsmoney we had another because DD is simply the best thing that ever happened to us both and we wanted to double that as well as give her a sibling. We love both kids so much and of course that makes it worth it. When she falls asleep holding my hand or DS gives me a mad gummy smile at 4am it makes my heart lift a lot... I'm just a bit over tired at the moment and looking forward to the day I'm on great form and the house is tidy again.

It helps once you get a strict routine- obviously not with your youngest but your eldest.
as long as the eldest was in bed come 7/7.30pm I could just breastfeed and sleep early and felt in control.

When you're less sleep deprived. 4 months is the big sleep regression. I'd say about 8mo you'll feel very different.

No advice but our kids are the same age and you gave my solidarity. It's amazing but hard! I manage to keep on top of the laundry and washing up but can't manage much else and dh hoovers. No family support either so you're not alone on that front, I get it

It absolutely does get easier. I think when your kids become teens you think it’s as hard as toddlers because you don’t remember the relentless nature of toddlers!!! You’re on duty 24 hours a day. Four and upwards, much much easier. Promise.

I think this is exactly it for me. You’ve wired it so well!! Under 5s need so much supervision for EVERYTHING so it is so draining. I have no doubt there will be many more things my children will need me for in the future but right now with a 4yo and a very mobile 1yo I would be happy with any future age where I can go to the toilet alone without someone following or cook dinner without also needing to be the voice to a game.

i saw something once which described this stage as ‘in the thick of it’ Also, everyone has different stages they prefer/are good at.

I do love the baby/toddler stage but my god it is SO demanding. My nearly 5yo is also demanding BUT he can now crack on with playing on his own (sometimes), watching a film in peace, drawing etc and o get 10 minutes to breathe. This, for me, feels SO much easier than a year or 2 ago.

It got easier for me when the you get was 4/5 and eldest 7. Before that it was so so hard. The sleep deprivation was something else!! Obviously there are still trying times but absolutely nothing like it was - so relentless! Hang in there!!

This - for me it got easier every day and still does. This haze you are in is compounded by the lack of structure so anything that brings structure will make it easier and predictable - for me - I have friends who swear the younger years were easy but for me no way - it was the lack of control and them not being able to talk to me that I couldn't deal with and the random sudden messes and so much to think about for them - mine are 14 and 12 now and a delight to be around ie they are quite self sufficient and I have free time !!!!

It 100% gets easier. Mine are 5 and 2. The 5 year old can be stroppy and the 2 year old is unreasonable but they both sleep and can understand and follow instructions. Both can communicate their needs to us.

We visited friends recently with a 4 month old and a 2 year old and I'd forgotten how horrific it is. Wild horses wouldn't drag me back to that stage.

It gets easier in increments - and one day you'll suddenly realise that it's got so much better.

Hi OP. I felt like this with just the 1! I kept going to the GP and getting fobbed off. Eventually saw an endocrinologist and it turned out my vitamin D was abysmally low!!! It can cause low mood, low energy etc. You basically feel shit. Once that was addressed things got a bit better. As for when the actual child gets easier ... please let me know when you find out!

@bluefortheready @DarlingDarwin thank you for this. It's one of my pet peeves that whenever a mum of babies/toddlers posts looking for support there's inevitably a host of posters who say 'HAHA just you wait, the teen years are SO much worse'. As if that's in any way helpful.

Lovely advice from @JustJeans

i think a big turning point for me with both DC has been When they’ve had all of their teeth through (so 2.5 ish years old) and sleep more reliably. The days aren’t necessarily easier for me yet but everything is easier to tackle on a full-ish nights sleep. Also when they can communicate better and let you know what’s bothering them.

Also when they sleep better it becomes easier to go out in the evening and re-gain some of your identity. I remember so well what it was like when I had hard days looking after a baby and toddler, and then no evening as I was either feeding a baby or going to bed as soon as they did to try to get a few precious hours of sleep before mutations wake ups. Having a bit of an evening back was a huge game changer for me.

Try to ditch those feelings of feeling pathetic. You’re in a hard season and yes there are people in harder situations but so what. It’s fine to have thoughts of “well it could be a lot worse” as long as you’re not using it as a stick to beat yourself with.

*multiple wake ups, not mutations wake ups!

Being honest, I found it got progressively harder with having the two until the second got to about a year, then it plateaued a bit and then started getting easier from the youngest being about 2. That was also when she finally started sleeping better.

3&5 and it's still not easy. The house is still messy, the garden is a tip, and we barely have a social life. But day to day its easier than it was when they were 1&3.

You're really in the trenches right now. It is SO unhelpful when people nip to say it never gets easier, mwahahahah. I honestly think they forget quite how brutal those first months/years are. Mine are 5 and 2 and the days are still long but infinitely easier than when they were.

Yes I agree with the above. Ok there is emotional labour later on that I’m sure is taxing but I have a 4 year old and 18 month old and at the weekend they were both ill so I was cleaning up vomit through the night followed by a day where the (heavy!) 18 month old wouldn’t let me put her down, was crying in my ear most of the day while I did everything one handed. Obvs as babies/toddlers they can’t dress themselves, go to the toilet, get food, tidy up effectively and sometimes even sleep or really play independently…it is totally relentless and there are such huge physical demands on you as a parent at this age. I’ve only recently stopped breastfeeding as well so haven’t even had any bodily autonomy until this point. Plus the extreme mess they generate that surely doesn’t happen as they get older (food all over Highchair and floor after a meal, clothes need washed after every wear, cleaning little hands and faces constantly). I adore my kids but it is hard physical work!