When does it get easier?

[eaudesbaux]

We have two DC, aged 3.5 and 4 months. No family help but DD is in nursery five days a week and we have a cleaner once a week. I am on maternity leave. DH is extremely hands on and does 50% of everything including nights.

Despite all of this, we are both on our knees with exhaustion. The house is a tip, DD is a bundle of energy. I've just had to throw away loads of food that had gone off in the fridge because I'd forgotten about it. Neither child is a particularly good sleeper and one of us often ends up going in to DD in the night. I am trying to EBF but we often end up giving DS a bottle of formula when I can't feed him for some reason. I feel completely pathetic when I know so many people have it much harder than us.

I'm rambling. But essentially, my question is... when does it get easier? Everything is a battle, I'm so tired all the time and when I think about my life pre kids I want to weep. I keep telling myself that this hard part will pass, it's a season, etc, but it doesn't really help. I look at the older couples with teenage kids on my street and I am consumed with envy that they sleep, travel, cook, go out. We haven't had a night out together since DD was born and bedtime is always such a late fiasco that I'm not sure we will be able to in the foreseeable future. It must get better, right?!

Help me Mumsnet, you're my only hope!

For me, it got easier when we stopped allowing our toddler to dick about at bedtime. Now that she's out of the way 7-7, it is SO much easier. We're working on the baby also going to bed at that time.

I also make sure that when DD1 (2.5) is out at nursery and DH is at work (3 days a week), I get all the chores and shit bits done while DD2 (5m) is awake, so I get to rest while she naps.

It does not get easier, it just changes!

Mine two children are a similar age gap to your children

I had no family help either (or cleaner!)

My children are 17 and 14 now and fab but we have just been through GCSEs (under pandemic conditions 😳)

I am less tired but still stressed some days 😞

Apologies for spelling- cooking dinner 😊

Would finances allow for a babysitter perhaps? Even if someone just came for a few hours during the day on the weekend to give you both a break?

Still waiting. Mine are 15, 17 and 19 😪

I've only got 1 DC so can't relate to 2 children however DC was a TERRIBLE sleeper right up until a paediatrician finally listened to me and gave us the help we needed. DC has just turned 8 and finally sleeps through.
Since this has been happening our lives are so much happier and easier. I feel had we not had the sleep issue this joy would have come along years before.
As another poster said, once the bedtime dicking around is done it's so much easier xx

I have a similar age gap to you, my youngest is 6 months. Sounds very familiar, our house is a tip, both are terrible sleepers, we're exhausted and even at the weekends we never seem to get anything done. I'm hoping that once the baby started moving around independently and/or napping for more than 30 minutes at a time then we'll start to feel more on top of things.

It is hard but there is no harm in formula . I’m due in October with a lad of 3 tomorrow! My house is often messy - toys mainly but in truth that’s what it’s like. I will try and feed and use formula to top up. My parents are really good but my dads ill. We don’t get help off the other side. Nursery in 2.5 days a week from September. Do what you can, try batch cooking and it won’t be like this forever

Sincere question: why did you have a second child if it is that difficult?

When they're primary age, that's the easiest stage. So about three years from now you'll be laughing!

Get a sleep trainer in to sort bedtime and overnights, that will make all the difference.

It gets easier and easier in terms of physical exertion, lack of sleep and general chaos, hits a sweeet spot around 8-11 then becomes more emotional work supporting through their teens (and taxi service, plus clock watching when they're out and due home in the evening). You will never truly go "back to normal" though, now your mum switch has been activated, but there's joy in every stage. Well, most of them 😂

Primary school
stage much better - it gives you time to brace yourself for the teenage years...

It gets easier when they are 25. Teenage years are the worst. 🤣

Every year it gets that bit easier! A lot of it is about sleep and you’re in the worst part now. Once one is at school it should feel easier, particularly if the other is at nursery! And we can go out easily now and each have a weekend break a few times a year - ours are 4 and 6.

It doesn't get easier (sorry 💐) it just gets different.
My advice, if you want it:
Take things really slowly, enjoy the little things, kids really don't need much to be happy.
Don't measure yourself against others, and don't allow yourself to be measured (ditch those people).
Drop your standards, it really doesn't matter if you have a PJ day or have cereal on the couch for tea now and then.
Don't forget about yourself. If you want a night out, do everything you can to make it happen. Get a babysitter who's happy to put the kids to bed for you.

As a mum of teenagers I can tell you that some of those older families are looking at you and wishing they could go back in time ☺️

Well said justjeans mine never go to bed before me 🤣

It doesn't 😂 they become teenagers which is waaay more brutal than toddlers 🙈🙈🙈

As PP said, it doesn't get easier, the difficulties just change. We love then though, which makes up for everything.

My children are now 7 and 5 and I think in some ways it does get easier. There is still the work, the stress etc but it is less relentless as they get older. You can hang the washing out, sit down for 10 minutes at the park while they play together, have a beer in the evenings etc.

When they're babies and toddlers they need constant supervision, at night you're waiting for one of them to wake up so can't relax and you just need to be their everything almost all of the time. That pressure does reduce.

I can relate to much of what you have said op. Ds is 3.9 and dd has just turned 1. I've been back at work for three months now, 2.5 days a week. Ds potentially has adhd and his behaviour can be so difficult. Neither of ours go to sleep before 8/8.30 (ds) and 9.30 (dd). Dh and I are always in competition over who's more tired.

What helped recently was having a play date with a couple of friends who have similar aged children. We all could relate to each other's challenges and moans. That helped to normalise the strain of having little ones.

Of course, our dc are our world and every bit of love and energy goes into them but it's also OK to acknowledge that it can be absolutely draining too.

Don't be too hard on yourself x

What's your routine OP. Could we help there?

I ask because I had dd2 dec 2020 and DH went straight into lambing, the other was just two in the January, no nursery, no cleaner. Just me. And no DH.

Fuck it was hard, I was broken, but a routine got me by.

Dd2 was a sling refuser, but loved the bouncer, I had her there while dd1 had a very strictly enforced nap. Lots of outside time mornings, even in the snow. Afternoons were baby and I catching up, washing. Cleaning, cooking, then play time with dd1 later.

Always working ahead. Making tomorrows tea today, think big stuff, quiche, lasagne, etc that does a couple of days.

So I suppose the answer to your question for me is it got easier when I took some routine back, and then we all knew where we were. Appreciate that doesn't work for everyone.

Interesting. How did you put a stop to the dickishness? Asking for a desperate toddler mum.

We set the expectations of bedtime v clearly, and then were just heartlessly ruthlessly consistent for a week. Bath, book, kiss, night night.

From when the youngest is in full time nursery/school.

I had had 2 under 2 and that was very intense. I felt it got easier when the youngest was about 2.5 as they play well together and I could get things done and they will entertain each other, and both sleeping well. I was on top of things for a lovely 6 months before I had another baby so I’m back at square 1 😂 hang on in there. It will get easier.