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Original poster

Partner meeting 9 year old daughter for the first time

32 replies

Onedayatatime14 · 13/07/2022 19:46

My partner has a daughter from a ONS nearly 10 years ago. The mother is very manipulative, controlling and lies, a lot.
My partner went to meet his daughter at the hospital when she was born, that was the last time, she's now 9. He said he wasn't interested in the mum, only their daughter and she blocked him on everything.
She has been difficult, cut contact, refused to let his family be involved, lied to the daughter but has now decided my partner can see her. First she said they could meet, then it was a phone call and now she's saying it can be at the park. I know my partner wants to do the right thing but feels so awkward. He's not an open person and keeps his feelings hidden. Does anyone have any ideas on what to say, ask, talk about, what not to do, does he take a gift?
Me and my partner had been seeing each other for over a year when he got her pregnant, I was heartbroken. I've come to terms with what happened and we now have 2 beautiful children together but I don't trust the child's mum. I don't know what lies she's going to come out with. I'm not allowed to be involved when they meet; which I'm okay with; and I trust my partner. It's just such a messed up situation 😪
But back to the original question, any advise I can give my partner for when he meets her so it's not as awkward for them both? TIA

OP posts:
Badtasteflump · 13/07/2022 20:00

This must be so hard for you OP and I have to say, you're much more forgiving than I think I could be. What rings alarm bells for me though is the part about this woman being a liar and untrustworthy. How do you know this- is it what he's told you? Just wondering how your partner managed to walk away from getting another woman PG a year into your relationship and having you now think he's the innocent party and she's the deceitful one. He couldn't have thought she was that bad at the time ☹️.

MolliciousIntent · 13/07/2022 20:02

Why the fuck didn't he take her to court? I think he's selling you a sob story and I'd lay good odds he's full of shit.

alphapie · 13/07/2022 20:03

So your partner cheated on you, then sold you a tidy lie about not being allowed to see his child.

Why did he not take this to court?

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Badtasteflump · 13/07/2022 20:04

But in answer to your question - I would say he just needs to be himself, keep it light and chatty and answer any questions she has honestly without getting into any negativity about the mother. I don't know about presents - maybe just use the first meeting to ask her about what she likes then get something for the next time?

Fireflygal · 13/07/2022 20:06

Has he paid CMS? Do you think your partner shares any responsibility for the relationship being so hostile or is it all the mum?

Reality is he will struggle to have a good relationship with the child if his Ex and him are hostile and the child will be caught in the middle.

abblie · 13/07/2022 20:45

OP is asking for advice not lectures!

The first meeting no doubt is going yo be very very very awkward for both of them I'm the same about presents I don't think it would be good idea as he may not know what the child likes etc but 2nd meeting i would definitely think about a present

Hope things work out for you all

Original poster
Onedayatatime14 · 13/07/2022 20:56

I know he's far from innocent and could have done a lot more, believe me!
She took it upon herself to tell his family she was pregnant before he could, that they could be a part of the child's life then when he wouldn't be there for her, snatched it all away. She told other guys that they were the father. Told lies about me.
I've seen every single message between him and her and her and his family, I left no stone unturned.
He was originally supposed to see his daughter at his mums and I think he's just been waiting for it to sort itself out and keep his distance from the mum but it hasn't worked out that way. I know it's not fair and the little girl shouldn't be stuck in the middle.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 13/07/2022 21:14

So no CM paid, and no attempt to actually be in this child's life?

britneyisfree · 13/07/2022 22:06

Has he not paid all this time? He's got a lot of making up to do.

I'd suggest taking a gift for sure but some might say it sets the wrong tone.

I really think he should take something. And at her age he should apologise straight away for not being around without trying quantify it by saying her mum wouldn't let him have access.

Original poster
Onedayatatime14 · 13/07/2022 22:40

He knows a few things that she's in to but he's only found out that information via a family friend secretly (he has to pretend he has no contact with him otherwise the mum will cut contact with him too).
He hasn't paid. He should have, we both know that. He has got a lot of making up to do and I know a little present won't even scratch the surface. Money and items have been offered but ignored from his family and him. She also takes drugs, doesn't feed her properly, buys designer clothes for herself, partner and other children but leaves the little girl out (we've only found this out recently) so it's questionable what the money would have been spent on.
I feel so guilty my children have experienced all the things she should and just want to take her shopping, have a girly day, family meal around the table, film night, stories and cuddles before bed. I know it's not my place 😔

OP posts:
Legoisaws8om · 13/07/2022 22:44

Why didn't he go to court to gain access and pay child maintenance. And you supported him to not do this as well. Sorry no sympathy here. That poor little girl.

pogostickplastique · 13/07/2022 22:51

Man who abandoned child, paid nothing, never fought for her and went on to have children he had stayed around for, paid for and presumably would fight for now wants to swan in and be father of the year.

OP you say you've found our recently these things about drugs and designer clothes. Who's told you that? And why now?

It's all well and good saying you want to take her shopping and read her stories or whatever however why didn't he fight or you support him to fight? I'm sorry I'm failing to have much sympathy for you here tbh

pogostickplastique · 13/07/2022 22:52

Onedayatatime14 · 13/07/2022 20:56

I know he's far from innocent and could have done a lot more, believe me!
She took it upon herself to tell his family she was pregnant before he could, that they could be a part of the child's life then when he wouldn't be there for her, snatched it all away. She told other guys that they were the father. Told lies about me.
I've seen every single message between him and her and her and his family, I left no stone unturned.
He was originally supposed to see his daughter at his mums and I think he's just been waiting for it to sort itself out and keep his distance from the mum but it hasn't worked out that way. I know it's not fair and the little girl shouldn't be stuck in the middle.

He's been waiting for it to just happen? For 9 years?!

Original poster
Onedayatatime14 · 13/07/2022 22:57

I've brought up the subject a few times but as I mentioned previously he's a very closed off person & doesn't always speak about how he's feeling. All I know is he didn't want to be in and out of her life whenever it was convenient for the mum.
I didn't ask for sympathy. The main part of my post was to gain advice on the best way to move forward and approach the situation.
We've got 2 disabled children, life isn't always black and white.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2022 23:09

Who’s looking after her if her mum’s as awful as you’re being told? Are the mums parents involved? Why hasn’t the person telling you all of this got the police or SS involved to keep this child safe?

It’s all very dramatic and I think he needs to work out what he wants and thinks he’ll achieve by meeting her and getting involved.

What happens if he meets her and she’s been severely neglected by her mum? Buy her a milkshake then send her back there? What if she’s hostile towards him? Leave it another 9 years? What if she’s super enthusiastic and wants to see him all the time, her mum’s up for a break and encourages it but he’s got too much on with your DC?

It would be very foolish to meet her without putting some serious thought into all of this stuff. Does she even know he’s got other kids? Have they spoken on the phone?

I do feel for you but you know it’s been a massive mess and he’s not done well by any of you.

Spohn · 14/07/2022 09:15

'She also takes drugs, doesn't feed her properly'
Your vile boyfriend has willingly let the child be neglected like this for a decade, not paid, not tried to get court ordered access? Irredeemable scum. Lowest of the low.

You allowed him back in to your bed and made more kids with him? Sat by and allowed the child neglect and abandonment? Grim.

He doesn't get to 'not show emotions', he needs to move heaven and earth to parent, fund and do more than the absolutely zero he's done so far. He needs to pay for therapy for the child he discarded. Horrific.

DivaRainbow · 14/07/2022 09:22

I have been I the position of your step daughter, my advice is he needs to explain his absence with no shitty excuses and definitely no talking her mum down. He should expect her to be guarded. He also needs to accept his responsibility in her abandoning and be straight up and genuinely sorry as he was an adult who could and should have done more and she will be aware of this... He will never have the relationship with her that he does with his own children but he can try and be in her life but may never gain that father role ans definitely shouldn't push it.

BigYellowElephant · 14/07/2022 09:27

Dear God what a vile human your partner is! What have Social Services said when you reported the mum? Is he applying for full custody now? And has he worked out how much he owes his daughter in backdated child support? Sounds like she will need the money for therapy. Poor kid

Spohn · 14/07/2022 09:30

Surely the child abandoner has extensively researched what his choices will have caused the child to feel, how to try to help her heal, how to build a relationship with the child he traumatised? Nah? Didn't bother? Are you not repulsed by him?

Spohn · 14/07/2022 10:17

Obviously he needs to give the child the £1000s she is owed. Has he set up a bank account for her with the owed money in it?
It's mind-blowing how much of a scumbag your boyfriend is. So humiliating for you.

CLeighannHxo · 14/07/2022 10:56

Wow, just wow! .. I'm amazed and shocked at how harsh these comments are 🤦🏼‍♀️.

clpsmum · 14/07/2022 10:59

MolliciousIntent · 13/07/2022 20:02

Why the fuck didn't he take her to court? I think he's selling you a sob story and I'd lay good odds he's full of shit.

This. It's not the mother you shouldn't trust it's your "d"H. First he cheated on you then he abandoned his child. Hope that he has at the very least been paying maintenance

Original poster
Onedayatatime14 · 14/07/2022 11:01

@Spohn we didn't know anything. As far as we were aware she was loved, looked after and healthy. You clearly have issues of your own that you need to deal with.

I haven't reported her. SS were involved as far as I'm aware.

Both parties could have done things differently but they didn't, the past can't be changed.

I stupidly thought people would have some helpful advise to be able to move forward. Not sitting there pointing the finger and calling names, that doesn't help anyone.

OP posts:
Gettingthereslowly2020 · 14/07/2022 11:12

Your boyfriend sounds awful! His daughter's mother takes drugs and has neglected her and he's never even tried to go through court to get custody or even establish proper contact with her? He's never paid child maintenance either? For NINE YEARS? Instead, he had two more children with you who he presumably parents adequately. That poor little girl.

I don't know how you've stayed with him all these years knowing he's not only a cheat but he's also a shit dad (only to his daughter though so that's apparently ok). All these years, your children have been well cared for whilst his little girl has been neglected and living with someone who is taking drugs.

That doesn't answer your question, I know. But like PP, I'm appalled by him. As a parent, your duty is to protect and care for your child at all costs.

I guess all he can do is say sorry for the last 9 years and hope she doesn't feel inferior to his other children. Maybe pay for counselling for her either now or as she gets a little older and the reality of what she's been through hits her. Perhaps the 9 years of unpaid child support can be used to pay for university or a car when she gets older.

PeekAtYou · 14/07/2022 11:14

I stupidly thought people would have some helpful advise to be able to move forward. Not sitting there pointing the finger and calling names, that doesn't help anyone.

It's easy for the adults to move forward and pretend that the past didn't happen but if/when this child realises the life she could have had, she's likely to be trapped in those negative feelings for a lifetime.

I guess that he should be prepared for the possibility that he may ask difficult questions like where he's been the last decade. Even if he's the type of person to keep his emotions closed, she deserves answers to questions like why he's never visited her. Remember that it's much more awkward for her than it is for him. Her mum might not have been able to tell her much about him and may have given her info from 10 years ago which isn't relevant now.

As they don't know each other, asking questions about her and her life is probably the easiest way to go. What kind of music does she like? Who's her best friend ? What's her favourite subject at school? But if she's too nervous to talk then maybe talk about himself so she gets to know him. For example he might like Big Macs, have a birthday in September and support Arsenal.