Spoilt my 2 kids - what now?

[Lleenet]

I feel and know I spoil my 2 kids (aged 3 & 4) We can't go to soft play without mebuying a toy (and them asking for one), we can't go to supermarket without me buying them a magazine (and them asking for one). It's 100% my fault, I should have said NO from day 1. Now I feel the backlash of saying NO is too great... like drive home screaming because I didn't buy them the toy as we always have bought one after visiting a certain place in town etc etc. I know the answer is to keep saying NO. But are there any tips for de-spoiling your kids?

Interested to read peoples responses

Set expectations before you leave the house and stick to your guns.

You start making changes now.
You decide what is happening before you go somewhere and tell them and you must stick to it.

I would guess you might have to go cold Turkey, bite the bullet and do it, it will be unpleasant but you need to say no and mean it, otherwise if you say no and then you give in they'll know that having a tantrum gets results..

They are still quite young so you can still de spoil them. What works quite well with us is that I tell DD if she really wants something: "put int on your birthday or Christmas wish list". Then before her birthday or Christmas I go through the list and pick a few items. I tell her I won't get her everything on her list and sometimes I ask her what she really wants.from the list.

I'd also tell them in advance what you want or don't want to happen and set expectations. If it's always the same thing rg always a magazine then you could say we buy a magazine once a month or something like that.

And sometimes you just have to put up with the screaming.

Make changes now. They are old enough to start to understand money, they get a coin each week (50p or £1) and 4 coins buy x treat, so they have to save up

I was literally going to say this. 'Children do you want to take a toy with you because remember we are not going to be buying toys today'.

Or 'you can have a mini milk when we are out today but there wont be any toys'

Or 'you can buy either a pencil or a rubber but nothing bigger'

Etc - and do it before you leave the house, remind them when you arrive etc. that way they are prepared for it.

Yes. Just stick to your guns
I read another tip on here
Shall we take a photo on my phone so we can put it on the birthday list?

In fact, give them the choice between two, no need to say but nothing bigger, Just, 'you can choose either a pencil, or a rubber'. Or whatever you like. And then stick to it every time.

This is what I do. Explain I don’t have enough money today, so we are doing bla but won’t be going to McDonald’s afterwards or we can’t buy a magazine today or whatever it is. They moan a bit but it’s worth it and got easier and easier.

The best time to start saying no was when they started asking as you say, but the second best time is now!

I thought you were going to say they were teenagers. At 3 and 4 don't worry, they'll soon forget!

They’re tiny, just live with the screaming for a bit. I find the Janet Lansbury acknowledging feelings thing helps a bit: e.g ‘you’re upset that I didn’t buy you a toy this time, aren’t you? I know you normally get one, so it must be upsetting not to get one this time. But we can’t have one every time’ on repeat much more calmly than you feel

"How to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" has loads of fabulous advice on this so many already mentioned

Empathise with their disappointment

Add it to their wish list

We do this - works a treat! Especially good for scrolling back on my camera roll when they remember the thing they wanted in the blue box from the supermarket we saw back in February 😂

My SIL has a good hack for the I wants

Let them take a picture with your phone. Gets you past the moment somehow, with extra points if you can shift into a conversation about 'what a good photo'

Or do what I do and in moments of crisis hand the toy back to the person at the till with an 'oh no, this one lives here.'

You just have to start saying no now.
The older they are, the harder it will be.

They might kick off at first, but that will pass & you then have the rest of their childhood to not spoil them.

Take photos of the toys/things they say they want & say you'll send them to Santa/put them on their birthday list or something instead of buying them.

That's not my idea, I read it somewhere (can't recall where), but most of the toys kids ask for are things they'll forget about in a week if they don't get (or if they do).

Set a day/week (don't know how often you intend to get them something) when they can have a magazine or whatever & only get them one on that day.
They pick their ONE magazine/thing & that's it until the next time.
Any other time, do the photo 'so they can remember'.

Does soft play even sell toys? . Where are they seeing this constant stream of toys?

I think you just need to become more comfortable with saying no and dealing with the tears and upset that might come with it. My 12 yo had a massive strop because I was unreasonable enough not to buy him a £200 skateboard at the beach today. He is not spoilt but he still gave it a good try.

Our soft play does! An entire gift shop to walk through on the way out, loads of the toys are stuff that's been played with in the 'imaginary zone' in the soft play itself. I can begrudgingly admit that the owner has absolute marketing skillz but it's bloody annoying. Still go though because it is the best one around!

OP I had this. My oldest is autistic and it just became a thing to get us through the weekly shop, if he managed to stay with me then he got to choose a hot wheels car. Once his brother was old enough of course he then wanted to join in with selecting something. I had no idea how I was going to stop and thought I'd created a couple of monsters!

Fortunately it was actually quite easy. As others have said, set up expectations before you go, maybe start weaning them off like every other week they get a toy then once a month then save it for their birthday or Santa or whatever (visual aids really help for this, calendar for every other week or every month so they can see which week is their week for the bounty!)

There will be tears, there will be tantrums but you'll just have to get through them. Nobody's judging you and if they are they're not really worth you're time. Most people who might be looking over are probably just feeling deep sympathy and remembering their own years with their own toddlers.

They do grow out of it. Mine are 8 and 6 now and although they try and chance it sometimes a firm reminder that I am not particularly rich usually suffices. And then when they have been particularly excellently behaved or done something particularly fabulous it's all the more brilliant to be able to say 'yes actually you CAN have a magazine because of how kind you were on Wednesday to each other sharing those toys (or whatever)' stealth rewards are great, they don't know they're coming so aren't constantly doing stuff just for the reward and the prize seems so much sweeter!

Good luck OP! Grit your teeth through the tantrums and you'll be grand!

I try to avoid making them cry. I know some people will have a problem with it. But this is what I do. After my daughter buys something I tell her that this will be the last one (before her next birthday) because then we'll have too much and will have to bin them/get rid of them (kids hate binning their toys)....if she buys all the toys there won't be any for other kids and they'll feel sad..I tend to just...like if they see something they like I say okay you can have this one for your birthday or do you want to get something different later..she agrees or disagrees depending on what she wants.

Some options on things to say

those are for the other kids (when they point at something and ask for it)

we can put it on your birthday list, take you phone out and write an email ask them what color, what size lots of details and write it down

start with pocket money (very very little money) and then let them spend it, when they run out say oh dear, well maybe you can buy it next week

tell them before you go out that today you are only buying things on the list, when they ask for something, get the list out and work through it with them

every so often, add a treat, but only if they have earned it with good behavior earlier that day (not on the shopping trip itself) and let them write it on the list themselves

as they get older, teach them (and model yourselves) that when you are thinking of buying something extra, you take 24 hours to think about it and research if that is the best price etc

tell them that this shop is too expensive for sweeties etc and you will look around to see if you can buy it cheaper elsewhere

NEVER NEVER change your mind in the moment. It makes them think that if they pester you / tantrum they will change your mind again

When you decide to make the change, plan ahead and then make a series of fake trips to the supermarket… that way when they start to tantrum you can just pick them up and go to the car without the nightmare of abandoning shopping that you really need.

@SeaToSki agree with most. But i wouldn't tell them it's for the other kids. Wouldn't want my kids to feel inferior to other children. They'd probably think those other kids deserve it more or are special.

I agree that you set the boundaries before you leave the house.

Maybe have a discussion about how they are very fortunate and that not everyone in this world can have what they want whenever they want it.

Or can you get them to earn their treats from their own pocket money? May be to young for that though.

I agree if it was a regular message, but I dont think it is a problem for my children to occasionally hear that other children should take priority over them.