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Original poster

What does "please" mean (in one sentence)?

56 replies

johnd2 · 08/07/2022 21:01

Ok so bizarre sounding question and it might be triggering for some so sorry in advance. And I hope this thread is entertaining!

So we have a toddler and I want to avoid having things that you have to do "just because" otherwise how can he decide whether or not to do it?. I feel like it's important for him to understand the implications of saying please or not saying please from a neutral and non judgemental point of view.
Of course I was brought up with always say please with the subtext that otherwise you're a bad person. So that can cloud my reactions a bit.
So onto the real question, if my son asks for something without saying please, how do I suggest to say please without being judgemental or launching into a ridiculous discussion? Or do I just say nothing, and simply model it myself?

As a comparison, regarding sorry I just say "if it was an accident you can say sorry" and regarding thank you I say "if you like it you can say thank you". But please is a bit more tricky.

Looking forward to your replies 😅

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watcherintherye · 08/07/2022 23:49

johnd2 · 08/07/2022 22:14

I like that it's a nice way to put it!

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If rather loud!

Luredbyapomegranate · 08/07/2022 23:54

regarding thank you I say "if you like it you can say thank you".

This isn’t the point of thank you, it’s ‘if someone has done something kind for you, you say thank you to be kind back to them.’

Good manners are about making other people feel good, which In turn makes us feel good. Teaching manners early also helps children understand that other people have feelings.

So please is - ‘saying please let’s the person know you appreciate them’

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 08/07/2022 23:55

I say 'can you ask that in a kinder way?' With mine. DS (3) will now rephrase his whole sentence! It's so cute 😂
'I want that now!' complete with stamp, because 'please could you pass me the x mummy?'
This has taken about 6 months of modelling - eg. 'Can you ask that in a nicer way?' Pause - no response. 'How about 'please could you....'
Can backfire sometimes though haha, he was shouting go away at another child at play group, and I said 'can you say that in a nicer way?' And he immediately responded with 'please (name), could you go away? I don't want to play with you!'
Didn't know how to respond to that because I'm all about teaching him consent and he did phrase it beautifully, but it was drummed into me to 'always be nice.'

I do the same approach with my reception aged children (teacher) and they tend to pick it up pretty quickly. Even better, they say it to each other when someone is not being kind 😍

So difficult working on manners with young children, I totally agree about not just saying sorry for the sake of it. I tell the children at school all the time 'sorry isn't a rubber (eraser), it doesn't undo what's been done!' and encourage them to use a kind act as well as sorry. My son is a little young for saying sorry all the time but he does if he has accidentally bumped into someone (for example).

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Sprogonthetyne · 08/07/2022 23:59

I don't insist on a by rote please, thank you or sorry, but focus on the sentiment behind the words. So I might say "can you ask more politely, I don't like bossy demands"

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 08/07/2022 23:59

I think you should be mindful that others will find your child rude and entitled if they don't say please and thank you. It may become an obstacle in making friends at school as it is a society norm.

Thank you is for the effort the other person has made even if; dinner wasn't tasty, the present wasn't as expensive/exciting as they would have liked, they wanted more than given etc

Please is a show that you don't expect or feel entitled to something, it is a polite request

Kite22 · 09/07/2022 00:15

You are definitely overthinking this, and working on the theory that your toddler is a mini adult, when they aren't. They are a toddler and their language, emotional development and understanding of the world are all at toddler level.

Just teach 'please' as an automatic, reflex thing for them to do, and then, when they are older and might want to engage in philosophical discussions with them, then do so at that point when they have the cognition and language and emotional literacy to be able to have that discussion.

DiamanteDelia · 09/07/2022 00:20

Kite22 · 09/07/2022 00:15

You are definitely overthinking this, and working on the theory that your toddler is a mini adult, when they aren't. They are a toddler and their language, emotional development and understanding of the world are all at toddler level.

Just teach 'please' as an automatic, reflex thing for them to do, and then, when they are older and might want to engage in philosophical discussions with them, then do so at that point when they have the cognition and language and emotional literacy to be able to have that discussion.

This.

HeddaGarbled · 09/07/2022 00:22

If something is accidental, why do you need to say sorry? You haven’t done anything wrong. It was an accident.

But if you did something to deliberately hurt someone, then you should say sorry (if you are) because you’re culpable.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 09/07/2022 00:27

Please turns what you are saying into a request. Not saying please makes it an order. What way would you prefer to be spoken to?

Reminds me of a friend who lives on the continent. The teens are baffled by being asked to use the word please. They believe when they want something they should order it. End of. Cultural differences eh!

changzi · 09/07/2022 00:39

I could be wrong, but I always thought 'please' was a shortening of 'if you please', meaning you're politely asking for something 'if it doesn't put you out'. So it's a way to acknowledge that your request may affect the other person rather than it just being a demand.

MintUmbrella · 09/07/2022 07:14

I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing a bit! Those people who don’t speak up / aren’t assertive? Their issue isn’t saying thank you. It’s not being assertive. Whole other thing.

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 09/07/2022 07:22

HeddaGarbled · 09/07/2022 00:22

If something is accidental, why do you need to say sorry? You haven’t done anything wrong. It was an accident.

But if you did something to deliberately hurt someone, then you should say sorry (if you are) because you’re culpable.

I assume that was directed at me? If you bumped into somebody, would you not say sorry? I would find that rude

BigYellowElephant · 09/07/2022 07:36

All seems a lot of angst, I've never done all this with my 3. I just say please, thank you and sorry to them and speak to them nicely and they've all got beautiful manners, my 3 year old in particular people are always commenting on how polite she is. I've never seen it as something that needs to be explicitly taught, more just modelled.

Totally agree on the no enforced apologising though, and we have talked about that, I feel like it's more important to get them to actually feel sorry if they've hurt someone than say it when they don't mean it.

Hellocatshome · 09/07/2022 07:40

As a comparison, regarding sorry I just say "if it was an accident you can say sorry" and regarding thank you I say "if you like it you can say thank you". But please is a bit more tricky.

You dont just say thank you if you like something though 🙄 Thank you is thanking the person for giving/making/doing the thing. If someone makes you a cake but you don't like it you still say thank you because they bothered to make it. Otherwise you are just rude.

BlueMumDays · 09/07/2022 07:44

Are you asking what is the point of being polite? It's just an acknowledgement that someone has put themself out for you. Please, in particular, turns a demand into a request.

I'm a teacher (secondary!) and I tell the kids that sorry means you wish you hadn't done it, and you'll try not to do it again.

Artesia · 09/07/2022 07:54

@HerRoyalNotness 's explanation of why we say please is spot on, but not for a toddler- they won't have a clue what "taken for granted" means.

JudgeRindersMinder · 09/07/2022 08:00

VerveClique · 08/07/2022 22:02

OMG just tell him to say please and thank you and sorry for toddler mistakes… it’s a social convention and nothing bad has ever come of it.

When he’s older (upper primary at least?) you can discuss together the moral aspects of apologising.

For now just prompt him to say it every time.

i can’t stand it when kids don’t ask for things nicely and the parent looks sportingly on because little Johnny is expressing a preference not to ask nicely. FFS.

(although I have quite non conventional views about sharing BTW!)

All of this! Just teach him manners, and p art of manners is that it’s not all about him and how HE feels

3amAndImStillAwake · 09/07/2022 08:15

I don't force DD to say please specifically. But if she hasn't asked nicely/politely I will say so and ask her to ask again. 9 times out of 10 she will add a "please" to the sentence, but as a PP said, general phrasing and tone is equally important. If she shouts "get me a drink RIGHT NOW! Please!" the fact she's said please doesn't make that a polite request and I would tell her that that's not a nice way to ask.

sleighbellsjiggling · 09/07/2022 08:26

I usually say either, "and what's the magic word" or "how can you ask for that nicely?". I only really say it in a calm afterthought kind of way rather than being narky about it. They're still learning so I can't be too mad.

It's sinking in and they're starting to ask really nicely for things without prompting now. I mean not always but they're seeing the difference between "I want..." and "please may I have..."

Consistency works. I never realised how little OH says please and thank you so I'm pulling him up on it too 😂

ChickenOfTheSea · 09/07/2022 08:37

How did you make the font so big? I want to do that @HerRoyalNotness

fUNNYfACE36 · 09/07/2022 08:39

Well it literally means 'if you please ' or 'if it pleases you to do so'
It is giving the other person the option to not do something unless they want to

I feel you are overthinking this. And a toddler should know thst he has to do something " just because' as you put it, the adult in charge says he has to.He will not fare well at school or nursery if he thinks obedience is a choice

Robin233 · 09/07/2022 08:40

What's the magic word?

Hurstlandshome · 09/07/2022 08:59

Ugh I hate all that 'what's the magic word?' stuff. Teach your child to start a request with please and they are less likely to forget.

'Please may I have a drink?'

Mabelface · 09/07/2022 09:34

I just modelled the behaviour I wanted. Worked here.

MoodyTwo · 09/07/2022 09:41

Manners are to help how other people feel , so we say them to be nice and make other people feel better, in turn this helps our relationships as we get older, that's how I have always explained it

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