My toddler hates going into buildings...

[PixelMummy]

This is becoming extremely difficult for me.

Every single playgroup I've taken my son to, he hates walking in. The second he notices there are other children milling around inside, he starts to beeline for the exit. I mean, that's IF we make it past the front entrance at reception.

If I manage to get him to go inside and hang out one time, the next time we go to that same location, as soon as he recognises the route there, he begins wailing in protest that he doesn't want to go in. I've tried taking him to 6 different playgroups in town, and he's had total distress-wails at every single one.

Similarly if we arrive somewhere to visit a friend or relative, when he notices it's a house we're going to, he will protest and not want to go in. I have to convince him to go in somehow - for example I've used the weather as a reason to be indoors ("it's raining, sweetheart, let's wait for the rain to stop then we will have a walk outside". I will actually take him outside, too. I don't like to lie), or I will suggest we play some games inside for a bit.

The only places he likes to actually go are outdoors or open public spaces - parks are a particular favourite. The beach is fine, supermarkets and going for strolls through malls are fine. The only way I can describe it is that if he wants to go out, he wants to go out -- side. Not into a building where he's cooped up.

We went to the London Sealife Center recently. He tried to walk us out of the building but I managed to convince him the exit was through the corridor, so he spent the next hour casually gazing around while also searching for the way out. When we got to the souvenir shop it was a bit of a relief, but again he was most relieved when we left the space.

For a while he enjoyed soft play areas, but due to lack of funds recently, I've not been able to take him to any for quite a number of weeks now.

The issue I have is lots of people suggesting to me that he needs to socialise more, and yet when I take him to spaces supposedly designed for children to socialise, he is so upset, I have to bring him home, or go to our usual parks for him to enjoy some active time.

He doesn't go to nursery and I've been back and forth on the idea because I am a stay at home mum and don't necessarily need him to be away from me for errands etc. I bring him with me and he's very much involved in daily activities with me.

He will happily go to his grandparents house and I can leave him with his grandparents or uncle or dad no problems. But if we go to playgroups in particular, he absolutely HATES it.

Another thing is he really gets upset when other small children come to our house. In particular one of our neighbour's boys. He is the same age but is already talking (my son is only just starting to talk), and the boy is a bit of an outgoing character who tends to go in for hugs and throw himself into play without invitation. My son finds this very upsetting as he is more introverted.

I just wish I knew how to encourage my son to be more social and enjoy playgroups and want to be around other children.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Sorry if I've missed it, but how old is he? Is he a pandemic baby?

I think all you can do keep taking him to places. Encourage him to play with the other kids. Is there anything he really likes? Maybe tell him he can have that once you've been inside for five minutes (then gradually increase it).

Sorry he is going to be 3 in September.

I agree with the pp about working up from just a few minutes. A rotating door might also be a fun way to go in and out of a building with no.pressure to stay!

Thank you.

I'm thinking i just have to take him in kicking and screaming.... work up the sweat...

How is he with other kids outdoors? At the playground for example?

I wouldn't worry too much about him not liking other children in his house. My DS is 3 in October, fine in playgroups etc but doesn't like having kids on "his turf". I think that's normal

Is being inside or mixing with strangers he doesn’t like? Or unfamiliar places? Eg what would he be like going to a different park he doesn’t know? Do you have a friend with a similar age child you could meet at the park to get him used to playing with others?

I think I’d be erring towards giving nursery a try at 3.

he is so upset, I have to bring him home, or go to our usual parks

The trouble with this is that you're reinforcing the behaviour. Every time you respond by taking him outside/promising to go outside/apologising for going inside, you're providing a psychological reward. Therefore he repeats the behaviour and it creates a pattern in his brain where he'll automatically respond that way.

If you want him to change his behaviour, you need to change yours consistently. It will be more difficult now because you need to undo all the reinforcement, but you still can.

By the way, the human body can't actually sustain extreme emotional states for more than a limited period. Even when it seems like it'll never end, it physically has to.

As long as it's safe, you just need to wait it out. None of these are situations where he's actually suffering or coming to harm. You probably feel more uncomfortable than he does!

Then it creates the alternative reinforcement of "oh this is ok" . (Unless you're standing there telling him "I know this is terrible I'm sorry" etc)

My DS1 was a strange and antisocial little bugger as a toddler. I remember taking him to toddler groups where all the other mums and tots were happily enjoying circle time and DS was literally hammering on the doors sobbing to leave (we left!). And god forbid if another toddler so much as looked at, let alone touched his pushchair. I can laugh about it now but it was pretty awful at the time.

Fast forward 14 years and he is an absolute delight - although he is what I'd call am extroverted introvert - very sociable but suddenly hits his limit and needs to hide away to recharge.

TLDR: toddlers are weird. I'd keep doing what you're doing but don't worry too much at this age.

it could be sensitive hearing. My ds was similar and it was the noise not the buildings. Do consider nursery a few mornings a week it’s wonderful for desensitisation and socialising at that age.

I was going to suggest ear defenders due to noise, similar to PP. I realise it doesn’t solve the problem long term, but might help to break the cycle?

Do you have a library with a toddler session? That might be calmer and seem more like an adult setting, you could go on your own first to get used to it before going when there's children.

He's fine - he loves being outdoors. He will watch other kids playing around him and be fine with them. He kinda balks when they come up to him but he doesn't get so upset that he cries.

I did consider this. We've recently moved him into his own bedroom - which he LOVES. His favourite toys are up there and I have considered that inviting a child over without his consent is kinda gonna upset him anyway.

I personally feel it may be that he doesn't like being INDOORS... as for strangers, he's been lots of places where there were people he didn't know, but didn't seem distressed until it was a smaller building with other children in there.

He doesn't mind going to parks at all - he loves it.

I appreciate this very much, as I think it wasn't dawning on me specifically in this context. To me it was more about the fact that he was going outdoors and socialising with someone, ANYONE, rather than thinking about how my response to taking him to the park was acting as a reinforcement for his original reaction. I appreciate your response.

This is so reassuring, thank you. That pretty much describes my son - he is fine with another child if they ignore him, but the second they get in his space or face he is like "nope, you're too much". He specifically dislikes one of our neighbours children because they're very friendly and huggy. I get the feeling he's like "you need to respect my personal space".

I do feel it's a phase. I just wish I could help him understand that it doesn't have to be such a horrible experience.

... and I wonder if I'm doing enough.

Thank you - I did consider this, but we've been to quite noisy, busy places - malls, streets, parks - and he's never shown signs of distress in those places. I have a feeling because it was an open space he could move around in freely and get away from with clear exits he felt fine. But closed playrooms just freak him out.

This is a very good idea, thank you. I'll investigate in my local area.

I’m a psychologist. How is he development? Any milestones missed? How old is he?. Can he point?. Know his name?. How is he eating. Maybe its related to sensory overload

Sound bounces off differently in open spaces, or even depending on the place. My dad couldn't stand places with "live surfaces" (glass, tiles, etc). Now I'm exactly like him! I feel uncomfortable in noisy places with tiles on the wall. If there are wooden walls, carpets, then I'm fine.

If your DC is sensitive to noise, then a closed space will sound very different from a noisy playground.

Have you thought of giving him a break from the playgroups? If he is socialising in open spaces, and going to shops and etc, why don't you leave the playgroups for a few months? It sounds like a lot of stress for not much benefit.

I'm not sure which milestones are important for you to take into consideration so I'll try to mention a few:

He started sitting up at 4month
Crawling by 6m
Walking at 10m

He's in a multi-lingual family (4 languages) so his speech is only just picking up now (he is 34 months now) and he can say 1 word responses and his word list is growing daily (thank goodness). He can't say his own name, but he does know his name and can point to himself when we ask "Who's XXXX?" He can also point out other people in the room, and characters from his games and cartoons.

He makes eye contact, does recognise his name, has a variety of interests and activities he likes to do - he's not obsessed with any one thing, however I have become aware he seems to have some signs of hyperlexia as he can find and follow words on the page when we read stories together.

His mobility is fine - he jumps, runs, stomps, can follow movement based instructions. He can sit on a regular swing (not a toddler one) and swing himself and keep balance just fine (at 2.5yrs old! I couldn't do that!).

I don't see signs of stimming for example. But he is very musical, loves his songs and laughs when he watches cartoons, and will mimic what they're doing and run around if it's a chase scene for example.

We do pretend play and he can follow instructions and respond to suggestions like "shall we make a cake for your teddy?" or "would you like to wash your clothes in the washing machine?"

He learnt his alphabet, colours, numbers, days of the week, months of the year, etc quite early and enjoyed learning them. But he also can use fine motor skills - putting Duplo together, working out age appropriate jigsaws, can feed himself using fork and spoon.

Socially, he is affectionate and enjoys receiving affection from mum, dad, grandparents, uncle. Even other adults he's only recently met. But when it comes to children....

If the kid happens to be very outgoing and forward, he takes a dislike to them. If they essentially leave him alone and parallel play, he's fine but won't go out of his way to be affectionate.

Oh uhm, let's see... Sleep? He has always been an early riser, since being a newborn. 5am starts. But these days he can wake up around 5:30am or 6am.

He goes down for a nap from (12pm-1pm) to (3pm-4pm). He will usually stay up another 5-6 hours and then be ready for bed. He's always been quite a decent sleeper, only regressing when he was teething or having a mental development leap.

If there's other bits of info you're after, please do let me know. I'd be very curious to know your perspective.

Also, yes, he was pointing, does point, and often leads us to things if we don't quite understand what he's trying to say verbally.

Thank you for your response. I have also wondered this myself - just how much would he benefit from playgroup when he's also getting exposure to social situations in outdoor settings?

But I think that's where my own frustrations and anxieties come in -- I feel like it's something he should be able to enjoy... because... why wouldn't he?