following on from threads about strictness - can anyone advise on lightening up, dd is shouted at every single day

[MrsCarrot]

Can anyone help or advise me about excessive shouting? I probably shout at dd 2 or 3 times a day and now she shouts back so I become louder and Lo doesn't even flinch while dh and ds1 wince and it's all one big shout really.

That strict thread made me sad as I think I am too strict with her. She is a button pusher and very attitudey and defiant and behaves badly quite a lot but she is 6 and wonderful and sensitive and desperate for my attention.

Its not really a quick one is it. I grew up with a lot of shouting and slaps and I worry it's coming out with her, all of the boys put together don't inspire such rage in me. She just glares or slams the door in my face and I am incensed.

The days when I'm most tired, if the babys been up all night or whatever, I feel close to smacking and I don't want to repeat the pattern. Shouting as a respnse has become so ingrained recently I don't know how stop it.

Writing this down has made me cry as it sounds so awful, being shouted at daily, and it doesn't work. I need to change somethng radically and I dont know how.

Try singing instead of shouting. It really makes them notice!!
My best friend even uses this teqnique with secondary school pupils!! (she is a music teacher though)

I have said things in a sing-song voice before but thats usually with a mad glint in my eye building up to an explosive shout. She usually laughs then I am more cross.

I would strongly recommend the book "How to listen so kids will talk..." which has been discussed (hilariously) at length on MN. It's a good starting point for getting you thinking about what the triggers are for both of you and different ways of dealing with them. But don't beat yourself up too much - even cutting down the shouting a little bit is a really good start

Have you seen "how to talk so kids will listen"?

I've used it successfully with dd (who is only 3 but sounds v similar in attitude etc to your dd). I think would work even better with 6yo.

(I still shout quite a lot, but less than I used to )

Gah x-post

here

I second How to Talk actually MrsC seriously. Mostly because it gives you something else to say and those button-pushing moments. It's like having a script, and you can reach for it when things are tough.

I really did find it helpful. It pulls the carpet out from under the usual situation somehow.

Have a copy if you want it?

Otherwise leave the room, take a deep breath, don't talk. When things get ugly here we do whispering - we did at bedtime the other night and it worked somehow.

Can you and dd go out somewhere on your own at the weekend. Have a date. Recover your relationship, give her lots of attention etc?

I've heard of that one but never read it.

Does it have good strategies to control the rage then?

Ah, ahundredtimes, I believe you did some of your best work on that thread

I think that's what we need, time to ourselves but its so hard with the baby. DH has just gone to prague for a few days for work and I'm really worried about it will be with her then. He is always trying to calm me down.

[bows to Zog]

Well it gives you something to say, which works for me. So rather than saying 'I TOLD you to blah de blah rant de rant de rant' you scroll through your mind and say 'You don't want to sit at the table because you want to finish on the computer'.

It's quite nuts, but honestly it really is good for effecting a sea-change in the house, and it diffuses the rage, I found anyway.

lol, that is one we have everyday, she's just finishing something before she'll come to the table

Eats Very Slowly

Dresses Very Slowly

The new one is dragging the baby round, pushing him too fast on hs dog, feeding him polly pocket shoes etc.

sometimes dh can hear me shouting as he parks the car, it is bad

Message withdrawn

Oh but it was good Cod, honestly, I still use it even though I just larked about then.

Hmm. I have to go out. I shall think more. She wants attention doesn't she? Gawd, why do they always want more attention when you are least able to give it?

I know - I can't imagine you reading that, 100, was there really rage before and now it's fine

just looking it up on amazon - can't believe a book will teach me not to shout tbh

It was a hilarious thread, worth the read for a good laugh alone....
Also, what about the recent thread about the OP getting in a rage with her 2 children? Fab advice on that, have found it v helpful....
(can totally relate to the shouting thing btw, and I just hear it shouted back at me by dd, which is terrible....)

Mrs. Carrot, I've become a shouty mum recently too (ds1's 5 and ds2's 2 1/2) and know exactly how you feel. I hate being like this but they really are masters at pushing all the wrong buttons and it's driving me insane!!

Ahundredtimes, if no one wants it, I'd love to have your copy of the book! How much would you want for it incl. postage?

here, the rage thread...

I always miss the useful threads - does anyone have a link to that one?

I think it makes you realise that it is a pattern of behaviour that is getting you nowhere. It also helps you actually hear what your children and saying and that you a respond in a way which means that they know you have listened and understand.

It kind of works on the everyone needs to be heard & understood, I think it is a very basic human need IYSWIM.

thanks, orangina, will read that and try to get the book

I can't bear the thought of dinner and bedtime tonight, she's much worse after school but obviously she's tired too

I think you need to LAUGH with her, honestly I do. DD1 and I lock horns ocassionally but we both laugh like drains together for example at DD2's mispronunciations (not in her face, but we go in the kitchen or wherever and stifle our laughter).

Yesterday for e.g. was mad at DD1 for dropping her coat on the floor as per bloody usual - we were just about to kick off when DD2 asked DP how his cookers were today. She meant customers, cur me and DD1, hands over mouths running into different rooms.

You're the 2 females in the house - find some common ground.

she stormed off when I said there wasnt time to play on tuesday and her teacher asked me where she was and I said, fallen off a cliff maybe

she looked horrified until she saw dd stamping along behind growling and then she laughed

but it isnt funny.

Huw - I honestly don't know the last time we laughed together, ds1 and I have great fun, hes 10 and has never inspired such a temper in me.

I cant imagine laughing with dd in that way. That makes me really sad.

can i also recommend that you read unconditional parenting by alfie kohn. it will give you an insight into the impact that excessive strictness can have on kids and this might motivate you to alter your parenting style as necessary.

I find the end of the day the most difficult too, also 2 tired people.
Am training myself out of saying "Don't make me cross", (not fair to put responsibility for your behaviour on her, etc, etc), and trying to say "I really don't want to get cross this evening, it's not nice for anyone" (cue long toddler discussion alolng the lines of "Do you like shouting Mummy? DO you like crying Mummy? I don't like shouting Mummy. I don't like crying Mummy. Does brother/cousin/aunty/uncle/grandmother/teacher/random person like shouting/crying/getting cross?" ad infinitum. Cue gigantic effort of will to stay patient from me...)

Humour, definitely a good one (not always available though...)