following on from threads about strictness - can anyone advise on lightening up, dd is shouted at every single day

[MrsCarrot]

Can anyone help or advise me about excessive shouting? I probably shout at dd 2 or 3 times a day and now she shouts back so I become louder and Lo doesn't even flinch while dh and ds1 wince and it's all one big shout really.

That strict thread made me sad as I think I am too strict with her. She is a button pusher and very attitudey and defiant and behaves badly quite a lot but she is 6 and wonderful and sensitive and desperate for my attention.

Its not really a quick one is it. I grew up with a lot of shouting and slaps and I worry it's coming out with her, all of the boys put together don't inspire such rage in me. She just glares or slams the door in my face and I am incensed.

The days when I'm most tired, if the babys been up all night or whatever, I feel close to smacking and I don't want to repeat the pattern. Shouting as a respnse has become so ingrained recently I don't know how stop it.

Writing this down has made me cry as it sounds so awful, being shouted at daily, and it doesn't work. I need to change somethng radically and I dont know how.

Yes, unconditional parenting good, alternately inspiring and depressing though, so read it in bite size chunks when kids in bed and you have large glass of wine in hand (if you are that way inclined).

reading it put me through the mill, i cried on more than one occasion. but at the end of it i felt ready to make changes and so far they are working.

The end of the day is the worst, I am so tired by then I can barely read her a story

used to read to her lots before ds2 was born, he is one on monday.

Mrs C, is there an way you and DD can get an hour or two at the weekend (rather than through the week when she may be tired)?

Could you take her out for lunch at a nice cafe (my DD1 LOVES this)or ice-skating or just something that you know she'll love. I think she craves your attention tbh.

Sounds to me like you might both be very alike in personality....?

Me and DD1 are and I have to really think about and put effort into our relationship, in a way that I don't with DD2, not because I love them any differently, but I guess because DD2 is younger and therefore automatically gets slightly more of my attention.

But honestly it's really worth it. Good luck

does it make you feel very guilty?

I don't know whether anyone's seen the "Help me love my baby" programme a while back but it bore a lot of resemblance to the the way I feel about ds1. I laugh and joke with both of them (sometimes) but ds1 just makes me descend into a red mist in no time flat where as with my younger one, I seem to be much more forgiving.

Do you feel different towards your dd in general?

should add it wasn't just the alfie kohn book that helped me effect change. it was accommpanied by a process of examining my actions, trying to identify where they flowed from and focusing on the kind of parent i want to be for my ds.

huw - we are very alike

and we never do anything nice now, before we would always go to the puppet theatre or something on our own

it all seems obvious writing it down, putting it into practise is another thing, I am determined to make a change though.

You might be able to borrow books from library; that way if you think they are rubbish, you don't have more crap at home (she says, as she trips over irritating pile of pg and childcare books littering up corridor....)

michaelad - I watched that, it was really sad. The strange thing is I have always been really close to her, incredibly protective. She must feel pushed out I suppose

I take dd swimming just the 2 of us, and try and take her to cafe for lunch at weekend (or, more popular with dd, a picnic in (frozen wasteland of) playground).
She just wants 1 on 1 attention. Arrival of ds (now nearly 1) generally dealt with quite well, but he is super good natured and gets lots of positive attention (he hasn't yet learnt to answer back...!), and I think she is just feeling that she doesn't want to share.

Well done Mrs C you sound 3 parts of the way there already. be easy on yorself, you obviously have 3+ Dcs, so it can't be easy ensuring you get it right with all of them all the time (I struggle with 2!)

I think you are exactly right re: pushed out. Also (puts on mad hippy hat), I have found Bachs flower remedies to help, especially Holly (good for anger and sibling rivalry/jealousy) and Chestnut Bud (good for incorrigable behaviour, repeating bad behaviour over and over despite knowing consequences). Helped almost imediately, which helps break the negative cycle between you and her.

orangina - we never do that, I think she would love it, we have family walks/outings but not on our own.

Huw - yes, 3dcs, but I have friends with more who are not shouters. I am worried that wanting to change won't be enough.

I have rescue remedy somewhere

re: friends, I bet some of them are...some of the time

MrsC, you can't compare yourself to others.... that's a sure way to self loathing on top of it all (not at all useful for anyone). I know people who seems to glide through parenting 4 and 5 children, but thinking about them doesn't help me at all frankly. I just have to do the best with my skills (haha!) and try and best address my weaknesses in the whole parenting mullarkey. I struggle with 2 at times (ESP when tired), and other times I feel like it's somehow working, which is great...

Rescue remedy also useful, (esp for me when v cross etc)... I call them "magic drops" and she likes taking them, esp if I am as well....

yes, I know a few with 4/5 dcs and they do seem to float about but its not helpful comparing I know.

The ridiculous thing is I have felt broody in the last week but I think thats just because ds2 is one in a few days and I feel wistful. How can I have more if I can't be nice to them all now? No room anyway and dh would be horrified.

doggiessywoof and zog - thanks for book advice, looks like I ignored your posts.

Haha MrsC, I know how you feel re: broody! Totally moronic in my case, as I think I would go to pieces with a 3rd, I feel (and probably am ) ancient, we can't afford it, and I am the worlds most evil person when pregnant....
Definitely feeling sad that ds is not a baby any more. I love babies (but have had 2 relatively easy ones, don't know how I could possibly manage a tricky one)

yes, I think the first birthday is a significant time

just opened letter from tax credits saying we have been overpayed £5000 and must pay in full by feb 10th. It never rains eh..

find friends who are relaxed and spend lots of time with them

do exercise and get as much sleep as you can so you are less stressed

practise strategies to use for when she pushes your buttons, Anything that doesn't involve shouting - ignoring, speaking calmly, leaving the room for a bit, whatever

try to identify the moments leading up to you shouting. The moments before you lose control. Think about how you are feeling and make this the turning point when you recognise yourself getting to this stage. Make a decision to do something else instead - as above, practise what

speak to someone about your own childhood and work through the being shouted at and slapped stuff

get a book from the family caring trust (I think) very simple strategies to deal with challenging behaviour. Will find a link

have read thread now, think HTT will be great.

these were the ones I was thinking of, very simply written (to be accessible to all types of reader) but effective strategies and the simple nature of it means you can read a chapter in 10 mins and then try to implement it for a week, then do the next one. They are written to be used as part of a course, but can be worked through at home as well.

FCT are a Christian organisation and there is some reference to this in the book, at the end I think, but it is kind of separate, and it isn't necessary to be Christian to follow the book