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Parenting

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Original poster

Daughter is slow

45 replies

GlassHalfFull10 · 29/06/2022 09:01

I'm not sure where to post this but hoping for some advice. DD1 8 and in year 3. She's a lovely girl, quite bright and social... all the things you'd wish for. But oh my god is she SLOW. Everything takes forever, breakfast can take 40 mins on a school morning (and that's with cajoling), she has to be asked multiple times to get dressed, clean teeth etc. We ask her to get going and she's wandering about not doing it when we check on her. We get to the front door and her stuff is everywhere, nothing packed in school bag having asked her to put it in more than once.

It's really hard not to get really cross (especially in the mornings or when trying to go somewhere), I tell myself she can't help it but it's really honestly frustrating.

Is there anything I can do to help her, should I just hope it passes? Telling her off or getting cross does nothing tbh. The truth is that something has to be done about it as it's not sustainable for me to tell her 500 times to hurry up in one day. I literally have a headache before the day starts.

For contrast DS2 is 6 and is fed, dressed, teeth cleaned and downstairs before she's finished breakfast.

OP posts:

Yorkshireteabags · 29/06/2022 09:13

Im in exactly the same position. Its causing so much stress.

FreeRangeFloozy · 29/06/2022 09:15

Oh boy, I would struggle with that.

When you say her stuff is everywhere, is she disorganised and clumsy or more sort of quietly slow?

Coffeaddict · 29/06/2022 09:16

Bag packed the night before to remove 1 morning task.
Clothes out and sitting on the chair in her room including fresh pants, socks etc.
Essentially reducing what needs to be done in the morning.
Perhaps breakfast in the car on the way to school, toast or something like that.
But yes it is infuriating

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HoneyFlowers · 29/06/2022 09:20

Have cartoon pictures of her whole morning routine on the wall and she can follow it step by step.

Vallmo47 · 29/06/2022 09:20

Get up earlier. I started getting up 40 minutes earlier every morning and they make such a difference! It’s amazing to not feel stressed, not have to nag etc. I set a timer on echo dot and they know exactly what that means ;)

SheWoreYellow · 29/06/2022 09:22

We have one of those. We pack their bags for them to remove that stress.
Is she doing something else? On a screen? We’ve said to ours to get dressed before coming down stairs and then he can watch tv.

Stumpedasatree · 29/06/2022 09:22

I would suggest doing as little as possible for her to get ready and her learning the hard way if she forgets something or is late? Of course constantly remind her of the time and how long till you need to leave the house. From around the age of 8 I have not helped my DC pack bags or get ready and they are very self sufficient at 12/13 years now.

Plinkplonk1234 · 29/06/2022 09:23

My son is exactly like that and he has Dyspraxia. He has improved as he has got older but I just do as much as I can the night before and get him up really early. I constantly shout up to him 'you're not daydreaming are you?' The answer is very often yes.

Tdcp · 29/06/2022 09:24

DD is the same, I've started setting timers and betting her that she can't eat her breakfast in 15 minutes etc or seeing who can get ready first etc.

Mindymomo · 29/06/2022 09:25

We used to get school bag packed night before and clothes laid out ready. I used to shout so much that one day I thought this isn’t doing me any good and I told my sons that if they were late it would be their fault and they would be in trouble, not me. We then got into a better routine, up earlier so there wasn’t so mad a rush. I would get them up, give them breakfast, then I would go and get ready, then they would get ready after me. It is exhausting. When my 2 went to secondary school I did lift share with a boy in my road, he was never ready on time. He is 30 now and still the same, I see him running past my house to catch the bus, which quite often he misses.

PutYourBackIntoit · 29/06/2022 09:26

I have one of these. You have my sympathies. It's exhausting.
Mine has been diagnosed with adhd, slow processing and we're seeing an OT also for dyspraxia.

Pinkflipflop85 · 29/06/2022 09:28

My son is the same. He has ADD and executive function, particularly in the morning, is a real challenge.

Shedcity · 29/06/2022 09:29

This was me as a child. I just struggled with understanding time. And also how to complete tasks and remembering all the stages of tasks. It still takes me ages to do stuff now, I have breaks at the wrong times because I think I have time, but I forget what time I’m meant to leave and also forget a few of the jobs i need to do before I can leave. I have adhd which I never thought I could have because I was fairly calm, but that’s why I struggle. But also this is quite normal 8 year old behaviour so I don’t mean to suggest that’s the case here. But I’m sure things that help me will help her - maybe even more so if she doesn’t have to battle adhd too!
Can you get clothes out the night before? Lay them out (together) as she needs to put them on, so underwear at the top down to any hair accessories etc at the bottom. Maybe talk to her about a plan or schedule and write it out.
so up at this time. Breakfast for 40 mins between this time and this time. Brush teeth at this time. Get dressed at this time
so she can see all the steps she has to do in the morning, that way she doesn’t have to remember them or try to work out how long they take. Make sure she has a watch / can see a clock all morning. Could you reward her or make it fun if she can get it all done on time? I think the key is taking the pressure off you, as you say it’s not sustainable, but teaching her how to do it herself. She had to learn all the other skills in her life, how to brush her teeth how to get dressed etc, and she would’ve been taught those bit by bit with supervision and assistance, I think time management and scheduling is another skill to guide her through.

windowout · 29/06/2022 09:33

My autistic\ADHD son is like that. Sometimes I leave him mid task (for example- he will have managed to put one shoe on) and come back and he has actually gone backwards (all shoes now off!)!
He genuinely can't help it and it's very frustrating. He has no sense of urgency at all if we are running behind time.
I leave more time and help him. Expecting him to be able to do it quickly and on my timeline is just setting him up to fail and setting me up to get frustrated and shouty. He'll get there eventually I'm sure but he is learning these skills more slowly that average!

Penguinevere · 29/06/2022 09:33

some people are faffers! I used to be one until I got my first job.

Eating slowly is a good thing though.

Isaidnoalready · 29/06/2022 09:34

Mine has slow processing adhd etc etc I pack his school bag he is 13 nearly 14 years old I make sure all his clothes are in the right place step on him to do homework he literally cannot function without heavy intervention or the shit hits the fan I am trying with him though he can mentally keep track of his school weeks so I will ask him do you have pe Monday or Tuesday when is cooking etc etc its just the physical act of doing that proves too much right now we have the mental stuff in place with prompts we will get there eventually

Also three or four alarms in the morning help

SweetNcrunchy · 29/06/2022 10:00

My now 20 year old son has ADHD and was exactly like this. He now has to do everything in exact order or he doesn't get to college or work on time. Its still a struggle tbh.

Have you ever wondered if she has ADD (its usually without the hyperactivity in girls)

SatinHeart · 29/06/2022 10:04

HoneyFlowers · 29/06/2022 09:20

Have cartoon pictures of her whole morning routine on the wall and she can follow it step by step.

Agree with this. Visual routine and also try using a timer. Visual calendar as well showing what day it is, whether it's a school day and any other activities etc that are happening.

Lots of visuals available on eBay etc, please don't be put off if they say 'for autism/ADHD', loads of kids find them useful.

Get up earlier (I hate doing this but it makes a huge difference for us)

Also what pp said about bag packed, clothes out the night before. Same breakfast every day on school days won't kill her and removes the need to make a decision.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/06/2022 10:07

DS(7) is like this. The only thing that works is having a minute by minute routine on school mornings, and redirecting him to the routine at least ten times before we get out the door. If I can ever get him to feel any responsibility for keeping to the routine without redirection, I will be ecstatic.

I mean I had to remind him to continue brushing his teeth this morning because he was standing there with a mouthful of foam lecturing me about treehoppers. No sense of urgency or a job not finished - just drifting off mentally to something less boring.

itsgettingweird · 29/06/2022 10:16

My ds is like this. Much improved now he's 17 but still a nightmare. He's learnt routines now which helps but still can't fathom that leaving the house at 9am means needing to actually start getting ready before 9am!!

He's autistic so his is really poor executive function skills.

Things that helped when he was younger was a list of jobs. He got a star when completed and when all collected he got 5 minutes iPad time before school.

Also agree with packing bag night before and putting in lounge or HH front door where it can't be idly unpacked for whatever reason they find 🤣

Clothes on chair and needs to be dressed before leaving room.

Then straight to bathroom for teeth and face etc.

Last thing is breakfast. Usually because food is a motivator but also because they can eat on journey to school if they aren't ready whereas you can't leave until everything else is done.

Also look at what she's eating. Oat muffins are fantastic because they are filling but quick to eat. Can also be batch cooked and frozen.

RagingWoke · 29/06/2022 10:24

My DD is the same, she's 7 and everything takes soooo long! It can be an hour to eat a meal.

Mornings I changed routine, she gets up and goes straight to the bathroom for wee/wash/teeth brushed, gets dressed with clothes I've laid out and then downstairs for her hair brushed and breakfast. I know that as long as she's clean and dressed breakfast can fit in even if we're running late, toast in the car is always an option. Homework and bag packed the night before and shoes and coat by the door ready. I refuse to do more, she's old enough to take some responsibility for herself now by dressing herself in a reasonable time.

Anything else we have to set out exactly what she needs to do and nudge her along. It's so frustrating though, even something like getting out of the car takes so long! I can get out, open her door, walk round the car, unbuckle the toddler, get him out and get the door to the house open and dd is still only half out of her seat! She isn't doing anything else, just moves slow or does things the hardest way possible.

But, DH is a natural faffer and takes ages doing things, walks slow, decides to faff at the worst times. I fear DD is just going to be like him.

pumpkinpie01 · 29/06/2022 10:37

My ds8 is the same , everything takes soooo long and he pays no attention to what's going on around him . This morning I gave him his shoes , he put one on and said he couldn't find the other . I pointed out to him it was under the little stool he said ' no where is the other one ?' It was on his foot ! I have stuff like that every day , it is tiring

StaunchMomma · 29/06/2022 10:37

Plinkplonk1234 · 29/06/2022 09:23

I was wondering this and I also think my son may have it. He's really bright but woeful at sports, co-ordination and yes, getting himself organised!

His teacher is a right old cowbag who finds those kind of kids really annoying. It's so heartbreaking to know he gets in trouble for eg being the last to get his coat and bag at the end of the day, especially when he can't help it, but it doesn't seem to make a difference anyway.

How is your DD with PE, OP?

MOTU · 29/06/2022 10:49

ok so I can offer some hope here - my daughter was exactly as you describe at 8, and yes she has a younger brother who is way more efficient! she's now 11 and while she's still slow and extraordinarily laid back, she does now fairly reliably get herself washed and dressed (I have to shout get up every morning but some people are just not morning people!) on time, gets breakfast and is ready on time. I share your frustration, around 2 years ago it was driving me to tears some mornings but slowly but surely she has improved and I'm no longer terrified of her starting high school in September!

FruitToast · 29/06/2022 10:49

I feel your pain. My DD(6) is like this it's absolutely infuriating in the morning. She goes to breakfast club because the stress of eating breakfast at home is too much for me. Even with everything laid out for her, picture charts and a routine I can ask her to get dressed and come back to find she's been distracted after taking half her PJs off, have to ask 100 times to put shoes on, etc. She is on the ASD pathway but without a diagnosis yet I'm not sure if it's ASD or she's just away with the fairies half the time. She's otherwise very bright which I think makes it worse as I expect her to be able to get up and get dressed as it's such a basic skill.

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