Pant wetting / lying / consequence.

[Horsesforcourses23]

Please can I have POV.

My 12 yr old nephew lives with me and has done for several years. He was removed from home for safety reasons. For years I have battled with him still wetting his pants. I have done everything, positive re enforcement, rewards, taking him to the Doctor and hospital etc. There is nothing medically the matter. It has become apparent that he tends to do it more so if he is giddy / excited and or doing something he does not want to stop doing, i.e. playing on the playstation etc.

The last 12 months have been really hard because nothing I do seems to work and I am really frightened he will get bullied at school because of it. He knows he does it and has acknowledged that sometimes he just does it because he can't be bothered going to the toilet. As a rule he has terrible toilet habits and I do believe it was because he was never taught them properly as a child.

Anyway he has a "reward" trip with school this week and last time he wet himself I said if it happened again then I would not let him go on the trip because I can't trust him to not do it on the day trip with school. Weeks have gone by and he has been fine and then this weekend he has wet his pants but then lied about it to try and cover it up.

I am so upset because he has been doing really well and he was beyond excited for this trip. I have told him he can't go. I spent most of last night crying and every time I think about it today I feel guilty.

Am I being too harsh or do I actually need to follow through and see if a really hard punishment will work? I am more cross he lied to be honest. :-(

You should let him go on the trip.

Frustrating as it is, I don't think punishment/withholding privileges is ever a justified response to wetting pants/ other toilet accidents. He's not doing it on purpose or to be defiant (even if sometimes it is due to laziness/not remembering) and it is sufficient 'punishment' for him to have to clean himself up afterwards and put his things in the wash.

I would remind him that he needs to be extra-careful on the trip and have a word with the teacher.

I think you've tried everything and you now just have to back off and let him take responsibility and decide to stop it or not stop it. If he wets himself then he just deals with it and nothing more is said or done.

Tell him you were wrong to say he couldn't go on the trip and that you did it because you were so upset that he lied to you - but you understand that he lied because he wanted to go on the trip so much and that the whole thing has become a bit of a pickle so you're going to take a new approach and let him take responsibility and make the decisions as you think he is old enough now.

Tell him that he needs to think about how he can prevent an accident on the trip, what he will do if he has an accident on the trip and how he will deal with it. You will help him if he asks for your help in any way with it, but the onus is now on him to deal with it. I would also give him some other responsibilities as the general feeling of being 'more grown up' and 'taking responsibility' might be just what he needs.

I understand he has been through a lot and that is probably the cause. But I am also wondering if underlying conditions have been considered. My 9YO DS is autistic and is similar. He has accidents because he is distracted/engrossed in something and does not want to stop doing that. I've been advised by professionals this behaviour may be due to his autism.

I'd cut back on his PlayStation use if he wets himself when using it - that suggests an addiction!

But yes, show him how to rinse out dirty clothes, how to use the washing machine. Make it his problem that he has to solve.

Also, counselling might help.

I'd let him go on the school trip, tbh, if he hasn't wet himself for ages.

@Horsesforcourses23 Does your nephew's counsellor know specifically about this, and that it is causing issues at home?

The bottom line is that, at 12 years old, he is doing this because he wants to. A skilled counsellor can to explore and unpick why. What is the connection between his past and this behaviour, and how might such a link be 're-programmed'? I know they are your nephew's private sessions; but someone must have supplied the counsellor with a brief - does it address this key issue?

The very best to both of you

A possible strategy that has occurred to me reading through the thread, could be something to try over the summer.

Goal - to take the pressure off "not wetting myself", and to incentivise the effort required to go to the toilet when in the middle of other activities.

Get him a measuring jug and challenge him to find out how much urine he produces in a day. Possibly on some days you could set a challenge to produce a certain amount (look up age/size appropriate volumes) - this would also incentivise drinking more. Another day you could try to find out what his "average bladder capacity" might be. Or run experiments as to how much he produces in the morning depending on what he drinks in the evening. You could even do graphing exercises if he enjoys maths or would benefit from extra maths activities in the holidays.

I think I agree with others who've suggested that he probably does need to be allowed on the trip; with suitable discussion about how proud you are of the number of weeks he had managed, that it is disappointing that something goes wrong at the last minute when he's shown he can do so well. And "why don't we set a target over the summer holidays to ...." or whatever seems reasonable to try. I do get the worry of backing down on something you've said, but I think you'll find a way to do it without undermining things.

Finally, well done and thank you for stepping up to look after your nephew, when children have been in difficult and/or damaging situations it is so positive when they can remain with a relative who wants them and cares for them, and I know you don't get the supports that a foster carer might.

Thank you so much everyone who has taken the time to respond with helpful advise. I really do appreciate it.

We had a long chat last night and I said he can still go on the trip and that it was knee jerk reaction on my part etc. I will also speak to his counsellor and see if this is a topic they can start to bring up / discuss / work with.

I have also said we will try some stuff over the summer to see if that helps.

Thank you

Nice one, op.

That is a good plan, @Horsesforcourses23