Wandering child - help!

[user1212121212]

Hoping I might get some advice from other parents whose children just wander off whenever the fancy takes them.

DS is 4, starting Reception in September. He has absolutely no notion of safety.

We have tried until we're blue in the face to make him understand he can't just go off without us. It goes in one ear and out the other.

So far this week he's...

wandered off on a beach, heading in the direction of deep water.

Opened the front door and headed off down the front path instead of waiting for me.

Got up from his seat in a restaurant and just walked out.

Walked away from us in a shopping centre. Left the building and headed to the park next door.

😩

Thankfully we've been a four this week so either DH or I are always keeping an eye on him, but I am so on edge when it's just me, especially when it's not 121, because I have other DC with me.

When asked why he has left us range from "I dunno" to "I wanted to look at the view" 😳

I'm really scared that one day I/we won't notice him slip off and he'll get lost.

I'm finding the worry absolutely mentally exhausting.

He’s developmentally incapable of risk assessing, so you’ll need to keep him physically attached to you or his father when outdoors and explain why. Reins. Keep your doors locked and keys inaccessible to him.

Just on the developmental side of it, my other DC is younger than our wanderer, and I can confidently say that he would not wander off.

If we're out for example, and I say to him stand there while I put my coat on he will stay in the exact spot. Other DC will head for the hills the second I look away from him

I've raised them the same and am stumped. We've had reins in the past but it feels weird now that he's starting school

As you say, it's not to do with your parenting it is just how your child is. You can't really put reins on a 4yo but you do have to do everything else possible to ensure their safety as per PP advice. You simply have to supervise him more, lock things, physically hold him etc. There's no magic formula.

I have seen this in neurodivergent children more often. Could he have ASD/ADHD?

You absolutely can put reigns on a reception age child the conversation needs to be not why they are doing it but if you do it again I will put you in reigns and mean it

Could you look at a rucksack with a 'lead'? We used these with my boys especially in busy places. They doubled up as somewhere to carry their snacks and drinks as well!

Rucksack with lead and keep your doors locked at all times. You'll need to speak to the school too before he starts.

Are there any other signs he may be neuro divergent? Lack of impulse control, and general "flight risk" have always been what my son struggles with most.

In tems of school, they will be well used to behaviour like this. Schools are like fortresses, he won't be able to get far. If you're concerned, you could opt out of off-site trips, or volunteer to go along as a parent helper.

I completely take your point re the reins in regards to keeping him safe. The trouble is the reins will have to go at some point and I have the distinct feeling that he would simply revert back to his current behaviour.

He's not like my other child. My youngest can understand, in his own way, why he needs to stay where I tell him to.

My eldest just doesn't seem to have the ability to grasp it. It is quite literally like if you do this, these are the consequences. He doesn't bat an eyelid.

And the thing is it's not really naughtiness. It's like a massive lack of understanding. Which is surprising, because without sound like a typical "mum", he is very bright for his age

He needs reins. You've just said he wanders, what other suggestions do you have to keep him safe? Concentrate on the here and now and right now he needs reins to be safe.

Backpack and lead.

My ds is autistic and also didn't understand about not wandering off. All he knew was he knew where he was and couldn't understand why I was worried!

He is also very bright but it was a lack of understanding as you say.

He did eventually get it around age 8 so we stopped using it.

For the mentioning neuro divergent, I must admit I have wondered at times this week.

He definitely feels like a flight risk. I have always found it very difficult to relax when I'm out with him, but this week has really crystallised the issues.

We've lots of wandering off, many meltdowns, his behaviour with out children hasn't been ideal. It's very difficult to pinpoint behaviour that doesn't sound like typical four year olds behaviour, but I just have a sense something may be off. Obviously I mean that in the kindest way.

He just feels very highly strung if that makes sense. The only time he seems relaxed is when he watches TV.

We do limit it a lot because he will watch it endlessly if given the chance and can get unbelievably furious when we turn it off

Probably not the most conventional method, but could you give him a bit of a shock one day op? Take him somewhere safe, and when he wanders off keep him in your eyeline but don’t let him see where you are, let him think he’s got himself lost. I did this once when mine was that age and had a horrible habit of hiding inside racks of clothing in shops. I let him get ‘lost’ in decathlon once for about 10 minutes, he was absolutely terrified but he never did it again!

It sounds like ASD to me too. The inability to grasp it. Mine is the same and it is SO stressful.

Not a solution as such but I taught DD to sing our address/phone number around that age just in case she was ever lost.

My autistic son was exactly the same when he was little. You couldn't turn your back for a second. You can't really use reins on a 10 year old though so you just need to keep reminding them once they're old enough to understand

On the upside, now he's a teenager, he barely leaves his bedroom so I always know where he is

This is what DH did today. We watched him wander and then DH followed him, out of the building and in to the park.

DS looked around didn't see anyone he knew and carried on playing. Not a bit of fear on him. Cool as a cucumber

Reins or containment ie only going somewhere fairly secure that he cannot get out of easily himself.

Places such as small playgrounds that you can see everything in and are gated. Softplay with an adult operated gate to get in and out. Playgroups in church halls with closed exit doors.

You also need to watch constantly and be close enough to take action at any time. It's exhausting and difficult - particularly with other children to care for at the same time.

My DD was a bolter with no concept of risk. She is now diagnosed ADHD and ASD.

I agree with PPs, sounds like he could be neurodivergent in some way. Your descriptions of other behaviours sound remarkably line my PFB at the same age. Again, I knew there was something different about him, something I couldn't put my finger on, but it became more evident as he got older. I wish I'd said something and got him tested sooner, it would have saved us years of heartache and difficulty. Things are much easier to grasp and to manage now I know why he is the way he is. He's a star, an absolute one of a kind, and now I know there's nothing "wrong" I can appreciate all his differences for what they are.

This sounds exactly like my son, who at 8 is still showing no signs of not repeatedly getting lost. I have 4 other children who never get lost and I am VERY careful but this little one just DOES NOT GET IT.
I have drummed into him about “safe adults” Incase he is ever so lost he does feel the need to get help (I doubt he would care either like your son) and I am going to clip an AirTag on him this summer too. I also use a “strap” that goes on my wrist and his sometimes as he hates holding hands when it gets clammy.
Finally this year I have looked into getting him tested for ADHD after school have been saying it was a probability for 3 years.

Slightly off topic, but the best way I've found to get mine off a screen is to sit with them for 5 minutes or so and ask them what they're playing/watching, and get them to talk about it, and gradually bring them out of that world and back into the real world. This is way more effective than warnings/countdowns.

(also, I just let mine watch far too much TV! But he usually has an obsession on the go, so I tend to steer him towards "quality" TV like Steve backshall or even Brian cox, and he's not allowed any YouTube full stop. A definite "no" is much easier to understand and enforce than "you can watch an arbitrary amount at an arbitrary time")

I tried this too with my DD. (ADHD and ASD)

I followed her when she ran off, keeping close but not actually catching her like I normally would - she just kept on going and going and going.

I also watched her once when she wandered off in a massive garden centre and was playing with a Christmas display. She didn't look for us even once. She played alone for 20 minutes totally oblivious to where we were, with no concern whatsoever. She would have played alone for longer but in the end I had to intervene.

My other child would have been crying the moment she realised we weren't with her.

I don’t really understand the question, when my 4 were 4 ( not all at the same time) when out and about they needed to be within arms reach at all times, or maybe some places within eyesight, I think that’s normal isn’t it?
With respect,I don’t understand how they wandered off on a beach or out of a building to a car park without you realising? Were you distracted by your other child or a phonecall or something? If you say he bolts off that’s a different matter, but you must have been significantly distracted for him to wander off so far away?
with regards to wandering out of the door don’t you keep your front door locked?
I don’t think there’s any need to start jumping to neuro diverse diagnostics, his behaviour is not unusual, but perhaps the level of supervision needs to be reviewed.
I don’t wish to be critical and we’ve all been there where we’ve been distracted and child hiding in clothes rail somewhere giving us a heart attack!

I was a nervous wreck every time we left the house with dd. I didn’t really understand that other parents didn’t have to keep keep their child within arm’s reach and in line of sight at all times. They could have conversations or even enjoy the outing a bit That they had never had the experience of sprinting after a 2yo who seemed to be able to run faster than a cheetah. That they had children who instinctively understood that the correct response to feeling spooked by a car in a parking lot wasn’t to run away from mom and into traffic. You just have to be constantly vigilant and never relax for a single moment.

we didn’t get an ASD diagnosis until age 9 because she is “high functioning” and incredibly bright academically.

Exactly what I was thinking, I can't understand how they managed to get up from the table in the restaurant and wander off without you noticing until they had moved away from the table. DD would have been on the wall side of the booth or on a chair next to me or DH and if she'd got up from her chair she would have been told immediately to sit back down.

@chickywoo

He is supervised (very closely) at all times.

At the beach we were all there, and followed him at a very short distance calling for him to stop. He continued taking not a blind bit of notice of me.

At lunch, again while we were all at the table, within arms reach, he got up and walked out. Again with me behind him calling him.

And again in the shopping centre. He just turned and walked away from our group. On that occasion DH didn't call him. He followed him to see how far he would go. He just continued straight out of the building and away to the park next door.

This isn't a case of us being slack parents who are checking our phones or ignoring eldest in favour of youngest. It's more the case that we cannot take our eyes of him for a split second because he will just go.

He's like a magpie. Something shiny takes his fancy and he's off, regardless of us calling him or trying to stop him. We may as well not even be there for all the good it does.