Wandering child - help!

[user1212121212]

Hoping I might get some advice from other parents whose children just wander off whenever the fancy takes them.

DS is 4, starting Reception in September. He has absolutely no notion of safety.

We have tried until we're blue in the face to make him understand he can't just go off without us. It goes in one ear and out the other.

So far this week he's...

wandered off on a beach, heading in the direction of deep water.

Opened the front door and headed off down the front path instead of waiting for me.

Got up from his seat in a restaurant and just walked out.

Walked away from us in a shopping centre. Left the building and headed to the park next door.

😩

Thankfully we've been a four this week so either DH or I are always keeping an eye on him, but I am so on edge when it's just me, especially when it's not 121, because I have other DC with me.

When asked why he has left us range from "I dunno" to "I wanted to look at the view" 😳

I'm really scared that one day I/we won't notice him slip off and he'll get lost.

I'm finding the worry absolutely mentally exhausting.

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime of course we noticed him leave the table!

And what you described working with your child would work with our youngest. Our eldest child is not the same. I cannot describe it accurately.

It's almost like he's on a mission and cannot be deterred. We have to watch him like a hawk at all times and other than wrestling him back in to his seat, which leads to an epic meltdown. The only other option is to follow him and try to coax him back.

It's exhausting.

Neither of my children or my nephews or a large chunk of the 4 year olds I’ve taught would even think of wandering off to extent described here. They would never leave a building or realise that they could see no one they knew and then still keep going.
It does happen obviously but I would say it was perhaps a little unusual.

It seems like all these examples though you’ve watched him walk away from you, is it that you expect him to stop in his tracks for a verbal command? That doesn’t really work with young headstrong children, when he got up from the table you should physically stop him from doing so, when walking in front of you at the beach, if he wasn’t listening, get hold of his arm get down to his level and tell him to stop or ask him where he thinks he’s going?!
sounds like he’s in charge of you all, and your letting him do it, he’s probs quite confused about it all.

Not an answer to your problem but just as a reassurance tactic could you attach an apple tag into his coats when you go out? That way you can always locate him

@chickywoo but we are doing those things. We do physically stop him. We do get down on his level and explain that what he's doing is not okay/safe and there will be consequences. We have punished him.

He was taken home from the beach. Park. Shopping centre. He has had toys removed. Privileges suspended.

We don't just let him "rule" us. He is treated in exactly the same way as our other son. Who listens and responds in an age appropriate way.

I'm finding it hard to understand the restaurant one. I have a 5 year old who has his moments but because he would be at arms reach I would have had his hand before he walked off. He isn't known for his listening so I wouldn't rely on just calling him back.

Surely the OP isn’t saying she is letting him wander off or that he is wandering off e.g. at a restaurant. She is saying that he is getting up to wander off and if she didn’t intervene, he would do so.

I understand it may be hard to understand. In the restaurant he got up and started walking off. We called him back, which he ignored, and then i followed him out to the front. It was in the shopping centre so no cars etc.

We have tried to contain him in the past and to get him to stay at the table/sit down. And to be honest it's less explosive if we follow him behind closely and talk to him where it's quiet and there are less people.

When we have stopped him in the past it has often resulted in huge meltdowns. Not just a tantrum. I'm talking near hysteria. It's awful for us and for the other people trying to have their meals.

It appears that the op lets him wander off, sometimes calls him verbally to stop sometimes just let’s him do it and watches him walk off then punishes him for it afterwards instead of nipping it in the bud as it happens.
then wonders why the poor kids confused 🤔

I understand what you mean OP. My friend's daughter would do it. DS2 does it a bit but not often enough for it to be a problem (but it is alarming when he does) plus he does actually have quite a good sense of danger so even when he does wander off which has happened once or twice, he's never gone anywhere dangerous. It is so silent and unexpected which is why it's not clear it's happened, it's just like he gets a goal in mind and in the blink of an eye he is somewhere else. My other children would not do the same thing. DS1 in particular was very anxious and particular about making sure I was in view at all times.

It's not typical behaviour which is possibly why some PPs are not getting it. Meltdowns age 4 are another red flag as well. Most children have grown out of the big tantrums by this age and only have them when they are very tired or similar.

I agree you have to meet the child where they are, so even though a child of this age "shouldn't" need reins, you need some kind of system. The backpack is a good less babyish seeming idea. I would also get wristbands made with your phone number to put on him for days out, you could stick one on your younger child for the sake of fairness, and definitely let the school know that he has this tendency.

It's clear chickywoo has no experience of neurodivergent kids and is just here to be judgemental. I'd stop engaging.

Have you ever had a 4 year old who would just walk out of a restaurant alone? Or leave the picnic?

I was the only person among my friends whose child did this. Most small children like to be able to see their parent (s).

@chickywoo If that's what you want to think then do carry on. None of what you're saying is remotely accurate.

I don't "let" him wander off. I do all the stuff everyone tells you to do when they wander off/don't listen. We have tried everything. I wouldn't be posting here otherwise.

I absolutely do have lots of professional ( and personal) experience Bertie botts, and I’m not being judgemental but my experience is why i Am finding the behaviour of the parents very hard to understand

This. Ignore the shitty comments from people who think a four year old needs to be chained to your apron strings. By about 3yo I could trust all of my children to run loose in the park whilst I sat with my kindle. I could leave them sat at the table in a cafe while I ordered food or nipped to the loo. They’ve been playing out on the green where I live since about 4 years old, next doors 2yo plays out with them and he knows where the boundaries are that he’s not allowed past. Obviously you have to be more on the ball now you know yours is a bolter, but don’t let anyone on here make you feel bad for not having eyes in the back of your head, or for thinking you should be able to trust your child to not instantly wander off when you’re a bit preoccupied.

Clymene Yes as you say in your group of friends it was your child, there’s always some in each sample of kids who will behave differently.
but how did you react to your child wanting to leave? Did you just let them walk
off and shout ‘come back’ to them! Or did you secretly follow their little adventure and give them a bollocking when you get home? How confusing is that for them?

OP, I think you're being very patient with people here who are questioning your parenting. I understand why they are but as you say, your other child understands and isn't like this.

The meltdowns don't sound like standard behaviour. I say this as a parent of a 7 year old who has meltdowns that aren't standard and we are looking at adhd with his therapist. Also the hyperfocus when watching TV, that sounds familiar.

I don't think you're wrong to question if this is 'normal' child behaviour. Your instincts are right to question that.

some children are wanderers and it just takes time and patience to get there. One of mine was as a toddler, and then by the age of 3-4 she grew out of it, and the other only started when she turned 3-4!!
I was once in the park and saw a toddler on his own. I asked "where's Mummy" and I heard a psst behind me. It was his mother who was watching him. She told me he was a wanderer and she was following him discretely, as she needed to know how far he could go before he would turn around to look for her. It had been over 10 mins at this point. She told me she had had to call the police once as he had figured out how to open the front door and had wandered of and they could not find him. He was 2!!

Ross Greene gets it.

Hi there OP. Ignore the people who don't get it. My youngest is neuro diverse. He walked out of a restaurant twice in a busy city centre the other day when he was tired and overwhelmed. I followed him closely to calm him down. I could have told him sharply to sit down (would work with my eldest who is NT) but that's like a red rag to a bull to my youngest who would have bolted at that point and potentially ended up in the road.

My top tips for such behaviour are these:
Note the triggers. If your son likes the park, say "if you stay at my side in the shop, afterwards we'll come to the park". Remind your child regularly of the reward and offer continuous feedback on how they're doing. Yes, it's also exhausting, but it's training - it gets easier.

Try and limit the opportunities to wander. Block off exits with your body - get ready to distract with something nearby and encourage him yo verbalise where he wants to go/why.

Good luck - it's improved so much as he's got older. Last week's restaurant issue was a one off as he was jet lagged and it was too late in hindsight after 10km of walking. You're right that he's probably neuro diverse and 'normal' parenting doesn't work quite the same. Sometimes I laugh hollowly at the judgemental bitch I was before having DS2 - I literally express mild disappointment or disapproval with DS1 who is now a teen and he's falling over himself to do better and apologise.

I do not weakly shout come back as my child wanders off and then bollock him when we get home. Or follow him on "his adventures".

I engage with him and tell him to stop. He does not listen. He sits between DH and I to try to reduce instances of him wandering, wherever we go out.

Short of physically restraining him, which is distressing for all of us, the best thing we can do is follow him/ direct him to a safe, quiet spot and try to explain that it's not acceptable behaviour and it's dangerous.

If he continually tries to wander off we take him home and explain why. On extreme occasions when he's a danger to himself we will limit access to the iPad for example - to try to push the message home.

He does not get it.

My autistic son would wander off when he was younger if we didn't have him physically attached to us. We had to hold his hand at all times, even when just standing still. Doors had to be locked and he had to sit on the inside of a booth if we were at a restaurant so he couldn't get past a parent to escape.
He's almost 7 now and no longer wanders too far, he's learnt that he can't cross roads and he needs to stop at certain checkpoints. I was lucky as he has a sister a year and a half older than him who he adores and copies so I could set boundaries and because she stuck to them he did too. You've not got that, so it may take a while longer but he definitely needs to be attached at the hip for now and school need to be made aware too until he grasps that he can't wander. That may take months or even a couple of years yet but wouldn't you rather have him on reins or holding your hand constantly than lost.

Ignore the people who are critical of your parenting, they have had easy children and probably think this is down to their parenting.
He does sound like my autistic dd, so it may be worth speaking to school to see if they are seeing any other behaviours that would make a referral worthwhile.
In the meantime just do what you have to do to keep everybody safe. He will grow out of it and become easier to reason with.

You need one of those straps that attaches to your wrist and his so he can't go anywhere. I remember my brother needing one of these aged 4. He grew out of it by aged 7 or so.

Once I did follow him. I didn't give him a bollocking most of the time but I did want to see how far he would go. He let himself into the grounds staff area and inspected all their equipment. He left the park completely and walked up the street, opened someone's gate, walked into their garden and into their house.

That is not normal 4 year old behaviour.

It's very hard to control because you can never relax. Most people can with a 4 year old.