Co-parenting

[SophieLouise93]

Hi guys,
I'm sorry if this is long winded so bear with me please!!

So me and my childrens dad split up in January and soon after that he got in a relationship with his now partner, it's not her I have a problem with. He has them every other weekend and last month he had some problems with his gas and electric so they all stayed at his partners house for the weekend- he didn't message me to inform me that was happening I had to find out from our daughter who is 5 and it was the first time they had met her and her children.
Since then I have stated that I am not comfortable with the children staying overnight at hers at this stage- I stated that this will probably change in the future as they get more serious.
Fast forward to this current weekend- they are spending the full weekend at hers, I told him I wasn't comfortable with this- they can go out for the day etc but I want them staying at his overnight not hers- this will be the second time they've met her in person.
Now he said to me are you going to tell the children why there not seeing daddy this weekend- basically saying if they don't stay there, they don't go.

Now I've already set the boundaries- what I'm comfortable and not comfortable with and he's hasn't respected these.
He sees her and her kids pretty much everyday and his own kids every other weekend, am I wrong for saying he should have one on one time with his children considering the split is still fairly new to the kids- they are 5 and 2

Am I being unreasonable and over-reacting?

you Have no say in who he spends time with when he has his children

It is not for you to decide how he spends his time with his children Are you going to consult him when you bring your nee boyfriend when you have one?

YABU you have no say during his time just as he has no say during your time

YABU.

Yeah sorry this is nothing to do with you now.

It sucks but there’s nothing you can do. His contact time he gets to decide where and with whom he and the DC spend it. It’s one of the hardest things about splitting up but you’re not going to win and you’ll make things very unpleasant between you if you try and control what he does. The children belong to both of you equally.

I said to him I think I should meet her if she's going to be around my kids and he said I don't need to meet her

Of course you have no right to meet her 😳

Like I've said it's not her I have a problem with but I had to find out about her from our five year old, I personally think he should've told me beforehand

Is that sarcy or genuine? Lol

It’s not ideal you found out from your DC. But you’ll never meet everyone your DC spend time with and it’s as much her decision to meet you as yours or his. She’s a person in her own right. Tbh if he tells her you’re trying to dictate what he does with the kids on his contact time she won’t be keen to meet you.

I think the issue is he doesnt see his children enough regardless of OW

Why would that be sarcastic?! I’ve never officially met my husbands ex. They have two children, he and I have one, we’ve been married years. They can’t stand each other, neither she nor I would want to have met officially. What if she’d disliked me? She didn’t have a veto, he’d have carried on seeing me and I’d have met the kids when he and I decided I should.

I'm sure you don't mean it like this but your posts come across like you think you own the children and he's somehow borrowing them. Even if you don't like it, you have no real right to say what he does with them and where he takes them, just like he has no right to tell you what to do and where to take them.

It was his choice to have them every other weekend I wanted him to have them every weekend

Oh god no! I just don't get why he doesn't understand that naturally id be a little upset by finding out from our daughter if that makes sense

I'm mainly worried about how it could effect the kids with the sudden rush of them meeting her like I don't want them getting angry or confused with the situation- that's my main concern

When the children are with their father you don't get a say in what they do, unless they are in harms way.
You are coming across as very controlling

Oh god no I'm definitely not trying to control it. I've said I don't have a problem with her and the kids being around her but he doesn't understand why I'm annoyed that I found out from our daughter- if it was the other way around he would be annoyed also

I understand that, but from your answer there it sounds like this is mainly about your feelings rather than the children's feelings (although your other posts suggest otherwise), so getting involved and bringing the children into it in any way (for example, saying they can't see her or stay at her house when they're with him) is IMO putting unnecessary stress on a situation that the kids will probably find quite natural. I know it's not nice to feel things are out of your hands, but I think this is one of those things you're going to have to swallow for the benefit of the children

You've literally said "I want them staying at his overnight, not hers". That's incredibly controlling and inappropriate. You need to understand this, quickly - you have NO say in what he does with them, where he takes them or who he exposes them to on his own time, unless they are at risk of harm - and it has to be harm a court would recognise, not you deciding that his choices aren't optimum because they aren't the ones you would make. If he wants to move in with this woman and have ALL his contact time there, if he wants to go away for the night and leave her babysitting them - there's nothing you can do about it. When they're with him, they're with him and they're his responsibility. You're going to struggle massively if you don't get this through your head.

I understand your reluctance about your kids spending overnight stay at your ex new girlfriend especially when you are separated only 6 months. It is way too early to have introduced the kids to her at this stage. He is being selfish, you are right to show your concerns, unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it.

I came on here looking for advice and your all berating me. I am not trying to be "controlling" but yes it has annoyed me that I had to find out from our five year old considering we've only been split 5/6 months at this point (today). My feelings are completely irrelevant in this situation and all I am worried about is I don't want it affecting the kids badly. On Wednesday my daughter got upset and said she didn't want to go to daddy's friends house because she'd already been once but i told her she will have a fab time and that they are going out for the day- I don't think that's controlling. I've only told you what I've told you, you don't know what type of dad he was and what type of partner he was whilst in the relationship.
This is a tricky situation to be in and if I was to be controlling I would stop contact but no way am I going to do that.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable by saying he should've given me a heads up etc

I'm just letting them do their thing, I get a peaceful weekend regardless lol

I understand op - comments like ‘ if you do t get this through your head’ & that you’re controlling I think are harsh. I would feel the same after such a short space of time. It’s how it will effect the children, 6 months is v v new to a 5 year old & they are still very early on in processing their mummy & daddy splitting. I wouldn’t want this either & I am not in the least bit controlling. I would think it’s entirely natural
to see it through te eyes of your children! If I ever met a new partner, they wouldn’t meet my children for at least a year & even then, they wouldn’t be staying over at my new bf’s.

that said, some of the more sentinels written posters are correct in that unfortunately, when there’re with him, he gets to choose.all you can do is try & ask him to be sensitive to the children & try & think how it might affect them.