Co-parenting

[SophieLouise93]

Hi guys,
I'm sorry if this is long winded so bear with me please!!

So me and my childrens dad split up in January and soon after that he got in a relationship with his now partner, it's not her I have a problem with. He has them every other weekend and last month he had some problems with his gas and electric so they all stayed at his partners house for the weekend- he didn't message me to inform me that was happening I had to find out from our daughter who is 5 and it was the first time they had met her and her children.
Since then I have stated that I am not comfortable with the children staying overnight at hers at this stage- I stated that this will probably change in the future as they get more serious.
Fast forward to this current weekend- they are spending the full weekend at hers, I told him I wasn't comfortable with this- they can go out for the day etc but I want them staying at his overnight not hers- this will be the second time they've met her in person.
Now he said to me are you going to tell the children why there not seeing daddy this weekend- basically saying if they don't stay there, they don't go.

Now I've already set the boundaries- what I'm comfortable and not comfortable with and he's hasn't respected these.
He sees her and her kids pretty much everyday and his own kids every other weekend, am I wrong for saying he should have one on one time with his children considering the split is still fairly new to the kids- they are 5 and 2

Am I being unreasonable and over-reacting?

So why you ask if you already decided you are right. Makes no sense. Listen what everyone is saying. You sound controlling.

*sensitive

Exactly this!
I've said to him that it's too soon to be introducing the kids to anyone yet as it will be confusing for them and his reply was it's going to be confusing whenever it happens so it doesn't matter

At what point did I say I was right? I don't recall?
This is a situation we've never been in before and I was looking for advice as to how to go from here on out
I don't want it affecting the kids badly and I want to avoid that

Yes, it would have been better if he'd consulted or at least told you he was introducing them.
No, you don't have the right to start dictating where he takes his children when they are not with you.
Yes, it does read that you're trying to be controlling/difficult and punishing him for having moved on. Albeit it is all a little too soon.
Enjoy your free weekends and encourage the little ones to have a nice time :)

I dont think you sound controlling at all. I think it sounds like you are worried your ex is moving too quickly in having your kids staying over with a new girlfriend. And i agree, i thinks it too soon. Jan to now is no time at all to say this is a permanent person in their lives, especially when it was only then that you split up.

Sadly though some people are selfish even when it comes to their children.

Im not sure you can do anything if he cant see it for himself. Sorry im no help but just wanted you to know you dont sound controlling to me at all. More people should be more considerate when introducing kids to new partners.

People are being unpleasant and judging you for a feeling a perfectly understandable way given the recent break up and the young ages of your children.
He should prioritise his children. It is disregulating and harmful to children to be in so much uncertainty - at this stage, the idea of two houses will be new and stressful for them. I've been through it myself and know how hard it was for my children to feel comfortable and secure. Not only that, it is bad for children to be put in the role of intermediaries between separated parents because of poor communication. He should be telling you stuff, you shouldnt be being blindsided with that sort of information. My understanding is that you simply want to be put in the loop.
On a separate point, despite the break up, he still has a duty to be a mature, relational adult with you and share fundamental information about where the children will be sleeping. He also needs to understand that yes, he can ignore your pain and your wishes and do what he likes but that comes with consequences: your children seeing selfish and unempathetic behaviour modelled for them and an atmosphere of distrust and betrayal. Exactly what you're trying to eliminate in ending the relationship, I imagine.

I personally feel some of you are being abit harsh. I am in now at trying to control the situation all though I admit it probably came across that way, he's very on/off and difficult to co-parent with so me being annoyed has probably come across as controlling

*no way

Thankyou for this- I feel you understand where I am coming from, the relationship ended because he cheated on me and within a month he was with her and they stayed overnight at her when we'd been split 3/4 months

Thankyou

I didn't mean to be harsh, I just think you are making this situation more difficult and more charged than it needs to be

I understand I probably am but I'm trying my hardest not to. Like the first time they stayed overnight at hers we'd been split 3/4 months

I thought as much OP. I do get it. As the primary carer, you also hold the lions share of responsibility for the childrens wellbeing and it's an unfortunate truth that you will have to pick up the pieces whilst he gets to drop off and walk away.
Some people have acknowledged the pain of letting go of your children when you separate, that you have no control. They are right. However, you also have a right to stand in your truth and express how things make you feel to the only other person in the world who shared responsibility for your kids without being demeaned, judged or labelled.
The irony of coparenting is that actually you need to have better relationship than before for it to work smoothly.
Sending hugs. Sounds like your heart is in the right place. Give it time: things do settle and the disagreements become less hair-wrenchingly difficult albeit depressingly predictable.

I think you are a caring parent and I do agree he shouldn't be introducing his new girlfriend so soon. However, it is out of your control. I guess there is no point to talk to him and explain your feelings so you would have to let it go unless there is a safeguarding concern.

I understanding where you’re coming from and I’d feel the same. Don’t think there’s much you can do but it’s too early for them to deal with this. I’m sure if it was you with the new boyfriend etc he’d have a massive issue with it but from what I’ve seen the primary carer tends to deal with the mental health of the children as well as everything else ten fold and any repercussions whereas the weekend parent tends to be more care free, maybe because they have the free time and less of a mental load and possibly quite selfish too. I’m not saying all but certainly from what I’ve seen around me. So yes I don’t think you’re being controlling, if you do a lot more for your kids generally physically and mentally I can see why you would feel strongly about these things, not to be controlling but you genuinely give more of a shit as the mental load is all yours I bet.

Keep talking to your kids and notice any changes in them in, keep a log of anything they report back to you that sounds concerning. You don’t know anything about her. It’s a parents instincts to worry and be protective.

You are of course right that it's dreadful parenting by him to be doing this.

It sounds like many of the step parent threads on here. He can't be bothered to parent his kids on his own , it's "easier" to take them to hers and no doubt she picks up much of the wife work as she's already got her own to look after so the routines are set. He thinks "she's making tea for 2 kids anyway, it's not bother to add 2 more". Much easier than him actually having to do any parenting himself.

So yes it's poor behaviour by him. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. They are so young this is probably the first in a LONG line of issues you will have. Maybe she'll get fed up of him and there'll be a transition while he finds a new woman daft enough to fall for his Disney dad bull shit for a while.

All you can do is focus on proving a stable home and "grey rock" his activities. Don't waste your mental strength. Also enjoy the free weekends while they last ( I suspect they won't last forever)

I second this. Absolutely true: lazy way of opting out of solo parenting.

Long live the "grey rock"!!

Thankyou guys, I feel it's a confusing time for them as it is and I think it was wrong of him to introduce her in the way he did. Like I've mentioned on Wednesday night my daughter got upset when I told she would be at her house she said she didn't want to go to daddy's she doesn't like him and then when she was on FaceTime to him she was fine but also looked like she wanted to cry at times. She's acting one way with me and the opposite with him, surely that's enough to say it's a lot of them