Have you changed since having children?

[aboutamum]

I just want to know if anyone else feels like they have had a personality transplant since bearing children.

I used to be a lot more energetic, lively, sociable etc.

Now I'm a total hermit, I avoid social situations as I find them exhausting. I don't like people coming round or staying over. I feel a lot of my personality has been completely dimmed by motherhood.

I miss being who I was before my child.

There I said it.

Feel exactly the same. I really can't be arsed to go out and interact. The whole thing is exhausting. You are not alone.

Currently breastfeeding my 5 month old in dark whilst my DH deals with a meltdown from 4 year old. Lots of my friends are at Glastonbury and I'm stuck in this dark room for next 11 hours.

How old is your child? I wonder if it’s all motherhood related or possibly as a result of lockdowns?

I find socialising harder work than I used to, my priorities have changed and my life has in lots of ways. But DD was 1 when covid hit and she was an easy very portable baby so we had a fun first year then things changed massively but that was covid related.

I still like to get out and meet friends and socialise but I do find it hard to switch off. I'll be texting DH for updates and probably end up going home a little earlier than I should. DH has no problem switching off when he goes off with his friends so I wish I could be more like that.

I had children late but changed a lot in my mid 30s anyway, as I think a lot of people do.. none child related. didn't really notice the baby making any difference after that.

how old is your child?

I think if you have young kids then I do think your energy gets sapped for at least a few years. You're up early every day, sleep badly, have little 'me time' - it's not surprising you're tired, can't be arsed going out, don't have much 'chat'.

I have 3 kids aged 2-5, and I'd say it's only the last six months or so I'm feeling more myself again. Of course logistically it's harder to go out and be spontaneous, but I have energy again, I like to be sociable and to go out.

You may find this is just a phase, and will pass.

I have a three and a half year old and an eight month old. I feel emotionally, physically and spiritually a shadow of my former self most days. My mind is constantly busy with the mental load and I’m on the go with children/home life and I feel like there’s no space for me. The idea of carving some out is again something to add to the mental load list, and half the time I can’t be bothered anyway.

This had better change as they get older!

I felt like you until my DD started school. When she had someone / somewhere else to put her energy I got more energy back. That said, some things have changed. I'm vastly less tolerant and not a people pleaser any more. I'm beyond drained at the end of the day but I'm pretty high energy until then.

I think that lots of people feel like this when their kids are young. Mine are 11 and 8 now and I have the best social life I’ve ever had. Hold on!

Since becoming a father I feel like I'm a totally different person. Emotionally, I am more empathetic, more emotional, more likely to cry watching films, MUCH more affected by stories of suffering, particularly if it involves children. Physically, I am less fit, have a few more wrinkles on the forehead, I can survive on less sleep, and I'm a much lighter sleeper due to constantly being on the alert. And in terms of abilities and personality, I am better at organising my time (which has helped at work greatly), better at planning and remembering deadlines etc, better with children in general (I was totally unable to relate to children or talk to them naturally before), and less afraid of confrontation when dealing with situations.

Yes. I definitely have a shorter fuse with everyone as my fuse is dedicated to my baby xx

You're not alone!!

I have no idea who I am any more. I don't know what I like to do & I don't enjoy any of the things that I used to pre-kids. I feel like I'm really boring now and all I have to talk about are my kids.

I have also lost all motivation. I go in to work and I barely do any work because I just cannot be bothered, whereas I used to be quite motivated and made sure my work was completely straight away and that emails were responded to immediately.

The only good side is that I used to be a very anxious person and that seems to have disappeared since having the kids.

I feel….well traumatised by having my kids, especially my first.

I think because of what I experienced I am a totally broken, depressed, withdrawn and lonely person.
I am 100% a shadow of my old happy go lucky, laid back, calm and cheerful person that I was pre children.

I don’t know how I got through those extreme dark days.

I could have written your post myself OP. I feel you. I often think that I don't know who I am anymore. Not because I don't want my children. I wouldn't be without them. I find being a parent all consuming. It consumes me. That being said I don't dislike it, I just don't have the mental capacity to do anything else.

Yep, all of this resonates with me. Kids are 5 and 2. I think/hope it will get better when they're both at school .

My DC is only 9 months and I find I just don't care about world events like I used to. Russia invading Ukraine is pretty boring stuff compared to my baby learning how to blow raspberries. Hopefully this is a phase otherwise I'm sure DH will get bored of me. I wouldn't want to me married to this version of me that's for sure.

Aside from that I wouldn't say I'm fundamentally different as a person, it's just that my circumstances have changed.

I can't watch the news or see anything about children suffering - I end up a huge sobbing mess.

I'm probably more outgoing than I used to be, that having to go out and small talk at groups and classes was completely alien to me but I decided to chuck myself into it for DS. Flip side is that I feel like an imposter half the time and absolutely crave some time on my own.

Oh heavens. So many ways

I never thought I was particularly maternal. First child at 37, and only because DH wanted a child. i genuinely would not have gone that route. I was on a fast track for a fairly steallar career. Then DS1 and a birth injury meant that he is disabled. I had complext trauma. DS2 was not at all planned and I sleep walked trhough it.

Now I find that I am like a lioness. My PND lasted vaguely 3 years or so. DH's PND after DS1 was obviously not at all diagnosed and 12 years and 10 years on he is really only now starting to come into his own as a parent.

I found that literally nothing else matters but my family and my children. I have had to fight quite hard for my older DS. I have had to watch myself to ensure that my younger is not neglected because of his brother's complex needs. All I need to know for myself that I am working every day to get the best for them and also out of them.

Do you work as well? I think trying to split your life between job, downtime, and sleep can work, but add children in and one has to suffer.

Me 🙋‍♀️I’m an exhausted, depressed bored and lonely shadow of myself.

I only have the one daughter and while I feel immensely guilty that she won’t have a sibling, I just can’t bring myself to do it all again. If this is what one child does to me I don’t think I would survive two.

I can certainly relate to a lot of what pps have said. From a more positive perspective though, one change I relish is that I've really stopped being conscious of being the target of the male gaze. I used to be aware all the time of how men were perceiving me sexually, work hard to keep my appearance a certain way and often felt uncomfortable in my body or that it wasn't good enough. Well my body is a darn sight less ideal now but I am much more proud of it and what it has achieved and I don't even notice whether men pay me any attention at all! I find it really liberating.

Mine are 4 and 2 and yes I'm very different. I'm so flat and dull compared to the old me and I don't think covid helped as we have just gotten far too comfortable in our rut.

So interesting! I never had issues with anxiety UNTIL I had children. It's now present in every aspect of my life and just keeping my anxiety in check feels like an additional full time job.

Otherwise, like everyone else, I used to be a pretty interesting person (I think!) with lots of interests and now I genuinely cannot hold a conversation that doesn't revolve around children. I actively avoid meeting up with anyone beyond the other mums at baby groups.

I have 2 little ones and am on maternity leave though so I'm hoping that will improve once I'm back at work.

I remember feeling that way in the year after my first baby but not so much since. I’ve become a bit more confident as I’m less bothered about what people think of me

I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old, I find maternity leave stifling and monotonous and I'm fairly sure I've become boring. Before my kids I was spontaneous and loved to travel and have adventures. In stark contrast the other day I was happy that I had memorised then order of the pups in the paw patrol theme tune. When my partner gets home my list of what I've done in a day is woeful. In many many ways I'm resentful. I really miss the old me. But she's in hibernation which is ironic as the current me doesn't sleep much