unreasonable demands from sons mum?

[midlandsman]

Hi, im after a little advice. I have a little boy and his mum and i live 4 hours apart. i pay regular maintenance (more than instructed to by the child maintenance folks). I see my son regularly for a week or 2 weeks at a time but things will become more difficult as he's about to start school in September. The agreement we currently have isnt a formal one but we work it out between ourselves.
Out of the blue today his mum came out with 'you HAVE to have him for every school holiday or alternatively pay my childcare bill while I'm working'. now, am i being unreasonable to think the childcare costs while hes with him mum aren't my responsibility? i have to consider my own childcare costs when hes with me and im working (im single) and i also pay a regular monthly maintenance amount which isn't insignificant. also, it goes without saying, i dont get enough holidays from work to be able to have him for every day hes not at school...
Just wanted a third party view on this.....
Many thanks

I think it’s reasonable to contribute towards childcare. My ex pays over the CMS amount, half of school uniforms and trips and half of the childcare if we’re both working.

Go to court to get it formalised

I think any women who gets any maintenance is lucky. Sadly there are too many like my ex who refuse to pay anything for years...and then only the absolute minimum to the point of giving up work to avoid paying.

IMO you should pay for the childcare that you need to provide during the time you have your son.

Any needs during her time are for her to provide.

Is her maintenance reduced by a percentage due to the amount of time you have him?

I don’t think you should pay for 100% of the childcare but you should definitely pay for half OR cover 50% of the holidays by using your own holiday.

I think if two people are co-parenting amicably then sitting down to have a conversation when something happens like starting school should be entirely possible.

Personally, I'd never start a conversation with 'you have to do x y or z' but maybe she's panicking? I remember being incredibly stressed about how to cover holidays and early finishes around this point just before DS started school.

You will need to renegotiate and that's probably going to be hard, because if you live that far away, it is going to feel like you get all the easy times (weekends and holidays) and she gets all the hard times (school terms, early rises, homework battles).

Couldn't you meet for coffee and have a chat about how to make it work best?

I would have thought half the holidays were fair; school holidays are 13 weeks so between you that means you could both civet the majority

Hi, no, i pay more than the full amount without any reduction for the amount of time i have him. Im happy to do this as i can afford to do it. i just cant really afford to pay for her childcare when hes not at school, particularly as i have childcare to pay of my own when hes with me during the holidays...
thank you for your response

I would say suggest half the holidays each and each covering childcare for your own time?

by all holidays does she mean him being with you every Christmas?

im happy to have him for half of the holidays. her demand is that basically im responsibly for her childcare for all the days i dont have him (ie, i could have him for half of the school holidays and still have to pay her childcare for the half she has him)

that sounds reasonable to me, and something im happy with. i tried to argue we should be splitting his holiday time between us but then we are responsible for our own childcare during those times...

As a single parent doesn't she get up to 85% of childcare costs covered.
If she doesn't receive UC she will most likely be eligible even if only the child element.

I don't think it's right she demand all her childcare costs covered by you AND the government? She would be making money, especially if she gets a sizeable maintenance payment from you. But I might not be reading the room correctly.

You need to calculate this logically

13 weeks school holidays - I would assume his mother would have him at least 3 weeks

So you have 10 weeks to ‘cover’ theoretically. So what is the cost of that?

Is she asking for childcare outside school hours? After school clubs? What’s the cost?

What happens now? She’s at work so assume he’s at nursery which is paid for?

What happens in the weeks you have him? How much do you pay?

mid go forward with workable figures.

hi, ok, thanks for your view. im not here looking for sympathy, just generally interested to hear what people think so i appreciate your comment

You pay for childcare on "your" days. It's up to you and her to agree what days these are and how they fit around yours and her hours.

Why aren't you both taking your work holidays when he's off school? That way hardly any time is needed in childcare

sorry if i wasnt clear. so shes essentially asking me to cover the costs for the childcare she has to pay while shes working and he isnt at school (he hasnt started yet, he starts in a few weeks)
currently hes at nursery.
when hes with me i still pay the full monthly maintenance, and im happy to do that. going forward, if i have to look after him (i dont mean to make that sound like a chore!) for a period of 5/6/7 weeks, i will have to find my own childcare to help out while im working - i dont have family who can help.
hope that makes sense?

She’s unreasonable, the fairest way would be to split holidays 50/50 and you each pay for your own childcare.

thats what i think too

You are both his parents. When he goes to school he has to live in one place in order to facilitate that. He's not living with his mum for her advantage.

If you both work full time, then you pay half of childcare costs each, since childcare allows you both to work. And that includes wrap around care (afterschool club).

Or if you want her to give up her job/career to stay at home and care for your so, then you pay her her full maintenance to do it.

It makes much more sense to cover half of all costs. You will probably end up doing what most parents do. I take two weeks holiday in the summer and have my ds, his father takes a different two weeks and has him, and the last two / three weeks are spent at a holiday club.

Half terms are split equally or ds goes to grandparents or a friend. Christmas is split equally.

You have a decade of caring to co-parent. You need to work together as equals or your child is in for a miserable time.

thank you for your comment, thats what i think too

hi, thank you for this.
Im not sure what you mean by the 'if you want her to quit work you pay her the full maintenance amount'. i pay her more than her full maintenance amount already, and she works, as do i, full time. i guess my point here is, we both have childcare costs to consider when its school holidays, so should (in my view) be responsible for our own ...

Morally you should definitely contribute to your DCs childcare costs.

What you need to think about is how much it would cost if YOU had DC 39 weeks of the year, dropped him off at 8.45am and picked him up at 3.15 every day and had to find a job that works around those hours (presumably taking a drop in income to allow for that) or if you can't change jobs you have to pay all the childcare costs for before and after school.

Plus also take on all the homework, packed lunch making, petrol for school runs, costumes for World book day and such like.

At the moment, you are just going to get all the fun parts of parenting; summer holidays, Christmas, Easter, Halloween etc and very little of the hard bits.

For a single parent to work a regular 9-5 job and commute, your son will probably need at least half hour in breakfast club and 2 to 3 hours in after school club. That's around 15 hours of childcare per week for 39 weeks of the year that your ex will be paying.

Assuming a rate of between £5 and £8 an hour (not sure of the average cost in your area) that's between:

15 x 39 x £5 = £2925
And
15 x 39 x £8 = £4680

In childcare costs JUST during term time.

If you're splitting the 13 weeks of school holidays evenly - 6.5 weeks each. I'm presuming you'll take about 4 weeks with your son and pay for 2 weeks childcare. At £50 per day this would be £500 total.

Your ex will probably have to take days off during term time if your son is sick/ teacher training day/ falls over and hits head and needs picking up from school etc. so it's likely she'll max be able to have 3 weeks in holiday time with son. So will then have to pay for 3.5 weeks of holiday childcare- about £1000.

In total that's between £4k and £6k your ex is spending on childcare per annum, Vs your £500.

So yes, you should definitely split costs with her.

Where I live, child care is on top of maintenance and it’s split regardless of who has the child at any given moment. that it is not explicitly billed in the uk system baffles me. It’s the largest cost of parenting a young child.

She is going to be paying for wrap-around child care during the school year plus covering sick days, doctors appts and the like. Since you don’t live near by you aren’t doing your fair share of those. You are free to work and earn without the constraints of having a child in your life on a regular basis.

You might not legally be required to pay for holiday child care, but morally, you should be paying for half of the child care expenses year round.

thats an informative response, thank you.
genuine question (not to be controversial) but is that not factored into the maintenance contributions ? (i might add, my yearly maintenance to my ex is a figure way higher than the worse case you calculated there for child care) before you come at me, i know there are many other costs associated with bringing up a child such as food, clothing, heating, keeping a roof over their heads etc etc

i forgot to add, 'splitting the costs we both accrue' hasnt even been requested....more a demand that i pay ALL of her childcare costs (or alternative take him for ALL of his school holidays)