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Original poster

Living with partners child 100% and my own child 50%

26 replies

mattdad123 · 18/06/2022 09:46

I have a 4 year old son with my ex partner. We co parent very well (mostly) and there are no feelings there. Our son is cared for 50/50 and we both have a great relationship with him.

I have a new partner of 8 months, she has a 3 year old son whose father is not in the picture, so she has him 100% of the time. This doesn't really cause any issues with us seeing each other, we both work and have our own lives and things are going really well.We have spoken about moving in together and thats probably the trajectory within months.

I’m struggling with the situation that I will be living with her son 100% of the time, and my own only 50%. And with my partner's son having no father figure, that would become me, which I knew from day 1 and am fine with. I've grown to love her son, he is great and we get on well.

However I’m concerned how this will affect the relationship with my son, how he will view me spending more time with another child over him, whether I will resent spending more time with my partner's child, how my son may not feel a full part of a family who live together and he’s just a visitor half of the time.

I’m trying to not feel like an awful person for feeling like this, but I’m wondering whether I’m not cut out for that type of family scenario.

Any thoughts / opinions would be great.

OP posts:
Bootothegoose · 18/06/2022 09:51

My advice is always what is the rush? The relationship is working well, everyone is happy… why rock the boat?

The thought of you living together is making you a bit uncomfortable so why don’t you say you’ll put discussions off until the new year? Another six months will make both boys older and more likely to understand.

It will also help improve their relationship if that’s something that needs to happen.

You are also putting quite an adult head on it. How old is your son? It possibly won’t cross his mind, it just is the way it is. Daddy is moving in with X and D is C’s Mum. Don’t make a massive deal of it and be there for him/prioritise him in the way you always have done.

Steelesauce · 18/06/2022 09:51

If you don't feel able to handle this, you should bow out gracefully now. I'm in your partners situation and I'd respect someone much more for leaving before it got more serious because of this reason then leading me on a merry dance.

It is a hard situation, I'm a lone parent of 3 and I completely understand someone may not want to take on that 'father' role so wouldn't be offended by it in the slightest. Especially if they have their own child.

CharSiu · 18/06/2022 09:54

You are thinking about the impact on both the children which is actually great. They are both very young still and will hopefully be good playmates. I think you need to just reassure your own child he is loved very much, which is obvious from your post and that doesn’t change though he isn’t with you all the time.

In all this remember the adults made all the choices and both those little boys just have to live with what they decided. that poor little lad with a deadbeat absent Father I dint see how anyone could ever resent him. Talk to your partner about all this and your ex.

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3 year olds 4 year olds Families General parenting
Original poster
mattdad123 · 18/06/2022 09:59

Steelesauce · 18/06/2022 09:51

If you don't feel able to handle this, you should bow out gracefully now. I'm in your partners situation and I'd respect someone much more for leaving before it got more serious because of this reason then leading me on a merry dance.

It is a hard situation, I'm a lone parent of 3 and I completely understand someone may not want to take on that 'father' role so wouldn't be offended by it in the slightest. Especially if they have their own child.

Absolutely agree, certainly don't want to lead her on. I've already mentioned it to her a few months ago but it's still on my mind so I guess im trying to not drag things out if I cant handle it.

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/06/2022 10:04

I would put living together on the back burner for a good long while, to let the boys get to know each other.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2022 10:07

My first thought is that you are moving WAY too fast. You've only been together for eight months and you both have very young children. Moving in together shouldn't even be on the radar yet.

frydae · 18/06/2022 10:09

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2022 10:07

My first thought is that you are moving WAY too fast. You've only been together for eight months and you both have very young children. Moving in together shouldn't even be on the radar yet.

This. A million times over.

Original poster
mattdad123 · 18/06/2022 10:11

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2022 10:07

My first thought is that you are moving WAY too fast. You've only been together for eight months and you both have very young children. Moving in together shouldn't even be on the radar yet.

Silly me I meant to type 12 months! But still, probably still fast.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 18/06/2022 10:21

One of the problems of split families I'm afraid. You may also have to face the prospect of your son having a step dad in future, or even your ex having a man friend or friends. Some aspects you can't control, you can only work to ensure your son knows you love him. If you think it's an issue for you to be part time with him and full time with her focus on his needs.

You may of course be making a problem that doesn't exist, he may be OK with a 'brother' to play with.

frydae · 18/06/2022 10:22

Silly me I meant to type 12 months!

12 is such a common typo for 8

But still, probably still fast.

Far too fast. The extra 4 months you have added make little difference here.

Original poster
mattdad123 · 18/06/2022 10:28

frydae · 18/06/2022 10:22

Silly me I meant to type 12 months!

12 is such a common typo for 8

But still, probably still fast.

Far too fast. The extra 4 months you have added make little difference here.

No no, we have been together 8 months, I meant I missed out the 12 here...

"We have spoken about moving in together and thats probably the trajectory within months'. I meant to say 12 months, not just months

OP posts:
Original poster
mattdad123 · 18/06/2022 10:29

BigFatLiar · 18/06/2022 10:21

One of the problems of split families I'm afraid. You may also have to face the prospect of your son having a step dad in future, or even your ex having a man friend or friends. Some aspects you can't control, you can only work to ensure your son knows you love him. If you think it's an issue for you to be part time with him and full time with her focus on his needs.

You may of course be making a problem that doesn't exist, he may be OK with a 'brother' to play with.

Yes maybe should have mentioned. My ex has a partner of over 18 months and I''m very comfortable with it. My son and her partner get on great.

OP posts:
frydae · 18/06/2022 10:32

@mattdad123

Oh my mistake OP Blush

lunar1 · 18/06/2022 10:34

How do you think your new partner will see your child's place within the family?

One of the thing I absolutely hate in here is people referring to their step children as 'part time children'

So they are the lowest priority for a bedroom of their own, a new sibling comes along and the step children loose their room at they have a room with their other parent, and are only there part of the week anyway...

Can you adequately house you all including and future children you may have?

BigFatLiar · 18/06/2022 10:45

Looking on the bright side your son could end up with two birthday celebrations, two Christmas's and two summer holidays.

Original poster
mattdad123 · 18/06/2022 10:46

lunar1 · 18/06/2022 10:34

How do you think your new partner will see your child's place within the family?

One of the thing I absolutely hate in here is people referring to their step children as 'part time children'

So they are the lowest priority for a bedroom of their own, a new sibling comes along and the step children loose their room at they have a room with their other parent, and are only there part of the week anyway...

Can you adequately house you all including and future children you may have?

Thanks, I hadn't really thought about it. I think if we were going to have any more children we would always plan for their own rooms, or worst case boys share and new baby has own room.

I'm pretty confident my partner sees my sons place in the family as equal to anyone else's.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 18/06/2022 10:52

It's good that you are conscious of this as many men don't give it a seconds thought. It is however a very common scenario for dc of separated parents and especially with their fathers. I don't think it's ever crossed my DC's mind that their dad spends more time with their step brother. It's just not something they think about.

Original poster
mattdad123 · 18/06/2022 10:56

liveforsummer · 18/06/2022 10:52

It's good that you are conscious of this as many men don't give it a seconds thought. It is however a very common scenario for dc of separated parents and especially with their fathers. I don't think it's ever crossed my DC's mind that their dad spends more time with their step brother. It's just not something they think about.

Thank you. Thats reassuring.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 18/06/2022 11:32

I agree this is all going too fast, even though it is good to see that you are considering the impact on our son in all of this.
Sorry, but your son is 4 years old and your ex has had a new partner for 18 months and you have clearly introduced your new partner to your son.
Exactly what is the rush and what about your son in all of this if neither new relationships work out?

PegasusReturns · 18/06/2022 11:40

I'm pretty confident my partner sees my sons place in the family as equal to anyone else's

This is naive. Your GF may currently be fond of your DS, over time she may come to love your son and over a very long time she may consider him equal to her own son.

But no mother considers the son of the man she has been dating for months as equal to her own. And rightly so.

You need to start having some honest conversations

Original poster
mattdad123 · 18/06/2022 12:35

PegasusReturns · 18/06/2022 11:40

I'm pretty confident my partner sees my sons place in the family as equal to anyone else's

This is naive. Your GF may currently be fond of your DS, over time she may come to love your son and over a very long time she may consider him equal to her own son.

But no mother considers the son of the man she has been dating for months as equal to her own. And rightly so.

You need to start having some honest conversations

I was meaning in more of a household way as the question was posed, bedrooms etc.

I agree she wont see him as equal to her own son.

OP posts:
Original poster
mattdad123 · 18/06/2022 12:41

crimsonlake · 18/06/2022 11:32

I agree this is all going too fast, even though it is good to see that you are considering the impact on our son in all of this.
Sorry, but your son is 4 years old and your ex has had a new partner for 18 months and you have clearly introduced your new partner to your son.
Exactly what is the rush and what about your son in all of this if neither new relationships work out?

I feel like the moving in together is fast yes. We waited about 4 months to meet children and it was as friends and the two boys meeting to see if they would get on.

Im 100% considering impact of my son, and have full conversations with my ex and partner before any big milestones.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 18/06/2022 12:50

I agree she wont see him as equal to her own son

Right and that will affect everything including bedrooms. She will be focussed on what is best for her son. You need to focus on what’s best for yours.

Spaghag · 18/06/2022 12:59

From my point of view, the fact that you are, quite rightly, putting so much thought into this means you will probably get it right.

I've seen so many people go from relationship to relationship, moving in together within a couple of months, with seemingly no regard for how that may affect their children.

I have a female friend in your situation, her fiancee was a single parent to his 5 year old DD when they met & my friend had a 2 year old DD who she co-parents with her ex. They do live together now & the girls are 9 and almost 6. It works for them very well and I sincerely hope it will for you too.

Blowthemandown · 18/06/2022 13:04

It’s great you’re thinking it through but I don’t think your DS would feel the same. He has his Mum to see ‘the rest of the time’ which is not missing out. While I would wait a bit longer to move in (and definitely not buy somewhere first) I would not worry about this particular issue. Just be aware and your DS will probably talk openly ‘I miss being with you and step sibling but he doesn’t get to see his Dad at all’ kind of thing.

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