How to overcome parental burnout?

[KT1342]

Hi

I have two daughters 2 and 4. My 4 year old is awaiting autism assessment and my 2 year old has just hit the terrible 2s.

I have a husband but he works away a lot and I'm currently a student midwife, so I'm studying and working. I'm absolutely burnt out I just can't cope. Everytime I'm home with my kids they just demand stuff of me permanently and I'm so exhausted.

Any advice from anyone who has felt this?

I'm so sorry I'm not sure you can without some give either way. Either someone needs to help with parenting (just a tiny little bit, I find we can recharge quite rapidly but need just a LITTLE time just for ourselves) or work/study needs a break. Im quite senior at work and everyone I oversee if at this stage right now, we're taking the time out of their working days so they leave an hour early and do something for them self before picking the kids up etc. Can you take a little annual leave (2 days?) and just spend it on you?

Thanks for your reply. I'm currently on annual leave and my parents in law who care for my children half the week when I'm working are on holiday. So I'm just alone with two demanding toddlers.

No advice, just empathy. You must be exhausted. I have two children the same ages and only work part time but I am finding it relentless too. A few hours can feel like a lifetime. I can't imagine studying as well. My oldest is wonderful but he still needs lots of input and attention. I was just putting them to bed and trying to read a different book to each of them at the same time! It's like having your brain pulled apart sometimes.

100%. I wonder what age they get less intense. At the moment I come home after a long day. I pick them up on my way home and then I try and sit down for 10 mins and it's like "I need a snack", "do this for me mummy", "I want to sit on your knee" (then there's an arguement about who sits on my knee, and then my 4 year old pushes 2 year old off my knee. She cries. And then 4 year old pees on the floor. This is a snapshot of the chaos. I'd laugh if I didn't feel my soul being sucked from me with every demand.

Can you pause your studies for a year or so? It is easier when they're a bit older and can be in nursery more / going to school. Or can dh drop some hours for a year or ask not to be sent away? Just till they're older.

I'm feeling burnt out with a neurotypical 4yr old (though has been v challenging recently) and working (- I've had a bit of long covid and am peri menopausal which hasn't helped.) so I can imagine a fraction of what it's like. I work 3 days a week.

I've had to find short periods of time during the week where the kids are being watched by someone else and I do nothing or if more energetic, some gentle exercise eg swimming. Very luckily my inlaws are taking him for one afternoon a week.

I do think from 2 till 4.5 is a really intense time.

Learn to say “no, not right now” or “it’s not your turn”. That’s all you have to say, no justifications. You’re not answerable to a 4yo. They’re not going to die of starvation if you make them wait 30mins for a snack. They’re not going to fail to thrive if you only read them a story every other night.

Doing a bit less for them doesn’t make you a bad parent. They know you love them, regardless of whether you push them on the swing, or put their hair in bunches etc…! You’re being a brilliant parent already setting them such a great example of working and studying.

They don't see you all at because you've chosen to study when they're young.
So naturally when they do see you, they want to be with you and have your attention.
Yabvu. You chose this life. You chose studying and two children with that age gap.. If you cannot do then justice right now, then be fair to them and study once they're both at school and focus on being the parent they need.

@ChoiceMummy vile post. So judgemental. You know nothing about OPs choices. No one really knows how hard juggling 2&4 year olds are. "If you can't do it justice blah blah blah". Not every mother can martyr themselves and parenting young children is really shit a lot of the time and really tiring. That's the reality. OP is trying to study to get a good job. Can't women moan that life's shit and hard? Which it is!!

@ChoiceMummy thanks for the judgement! Did I chose for my 4 year old to have autism? I'm studying towards being a midwife. A job which is very much needed in society and my dream. Am I not allowed to do something for me? I'm not complaining about the studying. I'm complaining about the demands on me. I'm absolutely burnt out. Until last September I was a SAHM and I was so depressed having no adult time. Never eating my lunch alone or feeling appreciated. I posted this for support that I'm not the only one that feels this bad. And your judgment is not helpful.

If you have nothing nice to say, scroll on!

@WarriorN I really don't want to quit my studies, as my time at uni and work with my friends keeps me going. I feel if I was stuck at home I'd just slip back into depression. Unfortunately my husband can't work less as he gets paid more when he's away and with us living off one income we really need all the money he can get.

@KT1342 ignore @ChoiceMummy, what an unkind and unnecessary post

I hear you. It's hard.

Similar situation - working full time, studying, husband works away a lot, no family help. Kids are very demanding and I just feel completely drained.

I keep thinking about the whole "can't pour from an empty cup" thing and "put your own oxygen mask on before helping others " but I cant. From the moment my feet hit the floor in the morning I'm running around seeing to other peoples needs.

Some people seem to relate to this and have been through similar, and some people can't.

I think so much depends on a) the temperament of your children and b) having family help.

People who haven't juggled high needs children with working / studying and not a lot of family support just can't really understand what it's like. I knew I could never ever have envisioned how hard this would be.

So, I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice. Do you have a end date for when things might calm down with work / studies? Any reprieve in sight?

All going well I will be finished training and have a new job in 18months, where it will be possible to drop to part time, so I'm just hanging onto that.

XxX

My only advice is do not get pregnant again! Cut what you can and otherwise keep going. You are about to start the school years which make time go a lot faster than preschool. And you’ll find yourself out the other end in a few years.

@yourestandingonmyneck thank you.

@Therealpink that's is literally my worst nightmare. But don't worry my husband has had the chop

So many threads today where women are being told they must subjugate everything to their DC. So weird.

OP, agree with a PP that sometimes you have to tell the DC no. Having said that, I get how hard that is. I'd say lower your standards. This is where increasing screen time a bit etc is a win.

For me, I also found during these sorts of phases that being out with them was easier. I used to pick up DS from nursery sometimes on the train rather than driving because then we'd have a little walk back to the station, he might want to look at a few trains before we actually got on one, then one stop to our station, then a little walk back to ours.... maybe a brief stop in at the playground on the way. Then, when we got back, I would feel ZERO guilt about popping the TV on while I was in the kitchen preparing supper (with a glass of wine).

Similarly, if I had a day off and was on DC duty, I'd get them up and out the door relatively early and again, I'd quite often do something like take the bus to soft play as it kept them entertained and busy etc. Then, by the time we got back, again, I'd feel no guilt having an hour of tv or iPad time while I sat with a cup of tea or whatever.

Good advice from @Triffid1, I also do this, I rarely drive with the kids unless necessary.

And yes, lower your standards. For example, they don't need a bath every night (although MN tends to disagree on that one), keep dinners very quick and simple (beans on toast etc), especially if they are having a hot lunch at day care.

Mine are 4.5 and 3 and it's easier now than it was even just a few months ago and I remember thinking the same thing a few months ago so I think from 2.5 upwards for your youngest, it gets gradually easier. It's hard though, especially when you are lacking support so you have my sympathy

Yes also lower your standards. Don't bath them every night or even every other night unless they are particularly grubby. Encourage independence. In our house, the kids can come into me when their groclocks are yellow. They must be dressed for nursery before I will put the TV on (4 year old does it himself, 3 year old needs help with socks and t-shirt but does his own underpants and joggers). TV sat on my bed while I wake up and get ready. Breakfast, I make but they get their own plates, cups, spoons etc and pass to me. If it's cereal, the 4 year old makes his own, 3 year old has a little help. They get their own snack because it's in their cupboard and accessible to them. Snack is at snack time only, TV is at TV time only. We have quite simple routines so they know what to expect and they do some things for themselves. I also say no to them. No, you cannot sit on my knee right now, mummy needs some space. No, I cannot help you with your Lego right now, I'm busy. But they also get lots of cuddles and love and we do lots of fun things together so I feel comfortable saying no to them sometimes to give myself some space!

Plenty of parents have to manage the needs of their autistic children, me included, as well as other needs.

You didn't like parenting so opted for study. Don't dress this up as civil duty, it was to meet your needs.

When do the needs of your children come first?

You chose to have parents and this really is parenting, the good, the bad and the ugly.

@ChoiceMummy plenty of parents do manage kids with additional needs, of course. But it's hard, isn't it? Aren't we allowed to say it's hard? That we are knackered and that there's a lot of pressure on us to work and have kids. Everyone I know with kids this old is runned ragged. Knackered. Yes, they all made a choice to have kids but does that mean that women need to shut up and not say it's hard. Even if OP were a SAHM, her hubby would still be off working. Aren't women allowed to have some form of identity (student etc) outside of being a mother?!
What do you say to your real life friends who tell you they're struggling? Do you say "well, it was your choice to have kids so I have no sympathy for you as that's your job"? Can you imagine saying that to a friend in real life?

@ChoiceMummy amazing how no one ever says that to men.

@ChoiceMummy I'm interested to know. Do you believe that women can't work and have children?

Do you feel that all working mums are failing there children?

@KT1342 I can fully appreciate that! I have definitely been preferring work (umpteen primary age children with additional needs) over just my single 4 yr old at times recently!

Standards definitely got lowered here and my 4 yr old only has 2 baths a week (it was 1 when younger.) screens and routines etc. undoubtedly I do also know how one tantrum can knock the whole evening back an hour some how.

Recently I revisited Gloop which is very calming and absorbing for 4yr olds. Helped us through some v grumpy evenings. Mine can only have it if it stays within the tray (in a bowl.) he's fine with it (it's when the older one comes along!) helped to break a routine of tantrums he was in around dinner time.

Only other idea would be to find a "mothers help" who could come a couple of evenings a week when you're on your own to help you feel less frazzled. They could also then occasionally baby sit for you at weekends etc (during the day if that's easier) so you can get some time for yourself.

@ChoiceMummy first of all I only decided when I went through my pregnancy with my first daughter that I wanted to be a midwife but waited until I had finished having children before pursuing. I don't leave them in childcare 5 days a week. They go 2 days a week and with family the other 3. And if I have a day off in the week which I regularly do they are with me as well.

I think you answered my question that you think all working mothers are failing there children by working. Would it be better if I was doing a job I hate? The fact I'm actually doing a job I enjoy means I'm putting myself first. Which is inaccurate.

I don't agree that women have to be suffering and permanently unhappy to be a good mum. You obviously disagree so I think we will leave this there.