How to overcome parental burnout?

[KT1342]

Hi

I have two daughters 2 and 4. My 4 year old is awaiting autism assessment and my 2 year old has just hit the terrible 2s.

I have a husband but he works away a lot and I'm currently a student midwife, so I'm studying and working. I'm absolutely burnt out I just can't cope. Everytime I'm home with my kids they just demand stuff of me permanently and I'm so exhausted.

Any advice from anyone who has felt this?

@ChoiceMummy you asked a lot of questions but didn't really answer the OPs. @ChoiceMummy Do you think that women who return to work are not meeting the needs of their children? You talked a lot about CSA(isn't that just child maintenance?) and that they should be predominantly with a parent - do you think women shouldn't return to work until their children are school age (or if you're feeling liberal 3 years old at preschool)? Genuine questions...
You have also made a lot of assumptions that the OPs oldest child has received a late assessment for ASC based on the fact that she wasn't present there and have alluded to the fact that this is her responsibility. As a mother of someone with ASC, you must know that the spectrum is wide and that it is sometimes more difficult to spot, especially if you are a FTM and little awareness of condition. Many people get diagnosed late in childhood or even as adults. Do you suppose this is because their parents weren't there too? Your child sounds extremely young to have been diagnosed so must've been obvious signs from early on. This is not always the case. Furthermore, post covid assessments are delayed and there have been a lack of resources during lockdowns etc. for instance, nurseries & schools closed and health visitors weren't making house call.

Why don't you talk us through your days and we can see if there's any fat that can be trimmed, so to speak?

I do find that when I'm away for a long period in the day or an evening my children are a lot more demanding. To a certain extent it helps to give in to it for a short period of time. Make a quick tea - scrambled eggs, beans, Couscous, noodles and that frozen fish that microwaves in 3 minutes - then just let them climb all over you for half an hour. Put them to bed a bit earlier and do double story time. It seems counter productive but then their 'mummy tank' is full again and they actually might let you get on with something instead of you trying to half occupy them and half do a task badly.

@AmbushedByCake I'd forgotten about the 3 minute fish!

Bloody love the 3 minute fish! Cheap fast protein with no smell in the kitchen! Both my kids are fussy fuckers but they'll eat microwaved basa or cod fillets no problem because its super bland then I add sweet chilli and soy sauce to mine for flavour.

If you're studying then this isn't about working or not working for financial reasons, this is about you opting to study over parenting.
Why couldbt that be pursued when the youngest went to school? Surely the point of having children is to raise them? @sunflowerandivy
Csa is compulsory school age, so 5,but obviously many start at 4years. Why is it such an ask to raise the children to that point then resume career aspirations?

Hiya, @ChoiceMummy because a lot of women who drop out of the job market when they have kids find that it is difficult to get the same job again and various other complicated reasons. Are you thinking this applies only to women? Do you and your DH/DP share parental responsibility? How do you support yourself if you or your partner don't work?

For instance, I'm a paramedic so wouldn't have any problems getting "a" job again but if I were to leave my profession for any length of time my skills (which I've spent years developing) would fade significantly, clinical protocols would change and I would also lose my rota line with my regular crew mate and normal team and I'd almost certainly have to move stations to one further away from my home because my station is desirable and there's a waiting list (nice team, well looked after ambulances, good managers etc). This would have a significant effect on my ability to balance childcare and working and have a detrimental impact on my mental health due to extra commuting and working in an unfamiliar community. If I took 5 years out of being a paramedic, I'd have to reapply to go on professional register. That's only my story, and it's really hard for highly skilled professional women to give up their careers because getting back on the horse is very very hard for many reasons.

@ChoiceMummy you've taken on quite a nasty and judgemental tone here, calling it "her next whim", you've accused the OP of missing the signs of ASC because she wasn't present enough and to be honest you seem absolutely clueless about the reality of the jobs market.
I'm on maternity leave now, when I return to work I will make only £600 a month after nursery fees deducted. However, that's £600 we'd not have if I didn't return to work so me being a stay at home parent is not even possible (even if I did want to - I don't!).

I think you have a lot on your plate & not enough help. If you are studying perhaps your partner could adjust their workload as you need to find some slack somewhere. Or additional childcare. My friend has just had a breakdown after working a v stressful
public sector job with a DH who works away. She’s now signed off sick from her job. I’d try v hard to drop something or get some alternative support - could you have an au pair?? That would be ideal. Good luck xxx

What would you call it if not a whim?

Obviously wanted a baby and to parent said baby, yet when pregnant suddenly decided that actually midwifery was what they wanted... Insult to injury then had another baby before embarking on this whim. What was the point of the babies who are only a nuisance in effect as there's no time for the op after she's pursued her other mw whim!