What’s it like, really?

[SixteenTwelve]

My fiancé and I are having the “should we have kids after we are married” discussion and tbh we are both quite hesitant.

We like our life and these are probably silly reasons but I just can’t see kids fitting in. When I get up in the morning I get jobs done before work and sometimes when I come in for half an hour. Our house is always clean, tidy and we have minimal clutter. We like to socialise with our friends and make unplanned, and sometimes frivolous purchases. We are both exhausted today and have been hanging out in bed since dinner (which we had at 7). Wouldn’t be able to do that with kids.

We looked after my niece and nephew at the weekend and it was lovely as a one off but I came away thinking:
-bath and bedtime is fricken boring
-they aren’t so cute when they want your attention ALL THE TIME
-they don’t appreciate the money you spend
-there is inevitable clutter everywhere
-the weekend is not your own
-it felt like being at work

I really like the idea of having children but the lifestyle of being a parent just seems HARD.

How do you do it all?
When do you get your jobs done?
How do you cope when you can’t rest/chill in the evening?

I don’t want to miss out by not having kids but I don’t want to be a grouchy “shouty mum” either.

Don’t know what my question is just looking for perspectives I guess!

Maybe you aren't ready right now.

I won't lie, it's pretty relentless but also pretty awesome watching them grow. DD read independently for the first time recently and it's awesome. I'm really looking forward to the days when we go sit in a coffee shop together with a book each.

DH and I take things like bedtime and lie ins in turn but I would LOVE to be able to sleep in until 9am without being woken at all.

The list of pros and cons goes on, probably more cons than pros but it's not a rational thing. If your heart takes Iver then that's it - if not, don't do it for FOMO.

It really sounds like you aren’t ready. It’s a lot of sacrifice but I love being a parent. I didn’t have kids until I was mid thirties. I really wasn’t ready before that.

How do you do it all?
You don't but you can work together as a team to make sure you both continue to do what's important. Having a partner who does 50% of the domestic graft is essential.

When do you get your jobs done?
In the evening when the child(ren) is in bed or at weekends if you tag team on the childcare.

How do you cope when you can’t rest/chill in the evening?
You* *can have rest/chill time in the evening if that's what you prioritise - my standards of domestic cleanliness are now lower for example!

All of the above does not apply in the newborn/ young baby stage - you're both in the trenches then and it's all about survival.

The hardest thing for me is the utter relentlessness of it all. You never get a day off from being a parent.

We are both exhausted today and have been hanging out in bed since dinner (which we had at 7). Wouldn’t be able to do that with kids.

why not? Kids will be in bed in the evening surely.

Our kids get up around 6:30 and we don’t have to leave for school until 8:30 so I get a lot of house jobs done in those 2 hours.

Our kids are 7, 4 and 10 weeks.

I don’t find it too bad but I quite like getting jobs done and DH works 5am-3 or 4 pm generally, so has loads of time with the kids which really helps balance things up.

Each week DH goes to hockey 1 or 2 times, I go out for dinner with friends maybe once a month. I have time enough to go more, but not the inclination. I go for walks by myself a few times a week. Hard to find time to paint (my fave hobby) but I had plenty of time to before I had the baby.

Nothing wrong with not wanting kids though! I know I could have lived a gloriously fulfilled life either way.

All of the concerns you have posted - they're bang on

You'll be knackered, harassed, broke, frustrated and very, very busy. You fit your jobs in around the kids, or you drop your standards a bit while the kids are little and live with a bit more mess. They certainly can be ungrateful, whiny, irritating, relentless and fucking expensive.

In my experience though, it didn't feel like that at all. The love I felt for mine hit me like a tsunami and I absolutely adored their childhood. They were so hilarious, gorgeous and amazing, every day. I saw the wonder of the world all over again through their eyes. I miss it terribly now they're grown up - but I do have two witty, interesting and affectionate young adults who are the light of my life.

So yeah, it's everything you fear - but it's worth it.

There’s not just one “kids” stage. Some ages are better than others.
Like anything you put a lot into it’s generally worth it. Literally the entire world has babies; through famine, wars, poverty, high powered jobs and international travel . Raise kids the way you want, you don’t have to do middle class England child rearing if you don’t want to.
You’ll find time to do housework ( if you think it’s important). Chill when they go to bed. Maybe they all don’t sleep all night every night but most do.

Also it can drag like fury in the beginning but you find it really speeds up. By the time they’re at senior school you might as well book that dream holiday because they will miraculously morph into adults in what feels like a matter of months.

@Greensleeves put it perfectly!

What @Greensleeves said. And to add - yes it's tiring, relentless, unforgiving and utterly exhausting but my children are the only people I'd die for and having them made me an infinitely better person. So no pressure.

But! If it's not for you, that's ok, and no one should ever have kids because they feel they 'should'. It's ok not to.

It's wonderful and awful simultaneously. You have to adapt your life around your children and ultimately they come first. You can make time for your self or your career but it's not as straightforward as when you are child free. There's more stress, less sleep, more guilt and less time. Only have children if you feel strongly you want them and you are ready to alter your life for them, that's unconditional regardless of if they are poor sleepers, high need, additional needs etc.

It’s the worst decision you’ll ever make but I would absolutely do it all over again.
I didn’t have DS until I was 40 ( due to fertility problems) I wish I’d had him a little earlier but at 35 I was ready. I loved the child free years just as much as the parent years.
After lockdown with a 15-17 yr old I can’t wait for the university years and beyond.
It is exhausting, heartbreaking, frustrating and bloody expensive but when you see your almost adult child taking their first steps to true independence you realise what a wonderful job parenting is.

It sounds like you're not ready, either at the moment or maybe never. Don't have kids unless you have a burning, relentless desire to have them because everything you say is true. But it's also so worth it, every day. When we were planning our kids I could not get the thought/desire out of my mind.

I’m actually laughing at your little list of dislikes, especially “they don’t appreciate the money you spend” 😂 No, don’t have kids. You really don’t have a clue about what’s involved.

My DD has turned out to be really funny. That was unexpected and is honestly really lovely.

You have to really want that baby as they do take a lot of looking after.

I'd recommend you just see how you feel as you both grow older. Not wanting a baby isn't the issue. Either of you not wanting the same thing, that's the real issue.

You will never feel rich enough, or ready enough by the way. That is normal.

How old are you both?
Yes being a parent is hard, a lot of sacrifices and you have to go into it with eyes wide open.
I have alway wanted to be a mother and me and my husband had always discussed it and what we would do for maternity leave, childcare and our jobs.
It mightn't be for you and there's no shame in that.

Plus the amazement of actually personally creating a new human being out of practically nothing still amazes me every single day. Such a responsibility.

Being thoughtful about whether to have a baby is a good thing. It is a big thing to do, for you, your body and your relationship.

Not much to add. Adore my son but haven't had a private poo in 19 months 😂 we basically live in Hamleys and the smallest human takes up so much room in the bed my partner is in the spare room most of the time. Will not sleep in a cot. Will not take a bottle. All your concerns are valid. Bedtime is very dull.

You quite likely would not "miss out" by not having children. You can have a good happy life (and marriage) by staying childfree.

If you are unsure then really you should not have any. Also far better to regret not having children than regret having them. Sadly many women and men do regret having them

It sounds like you're not ready to make a decision- and that shouldn't be pushed. When you are married you may feel differently or it may take a few years. You also might never decide, and always wonder 'what if' but it's better to wonder than to have children you weren't ready for or regret. When/If you're ready you'll know

Yep it is bloody draining and hard work but without having them you a leading a completely selfish life and arnt in the real world. You think you are but you arnt !

I always managed to keep the house tidy.

Because gazing at the 7lb tiny human you created is a miracle and preferably to hoovering.

Because the smell of new baby head is the most intoxicating perfume ever.

Because you will never have known love like it when they are in your arms and it is completely unconditional.

Because as they grow so does your resilience and experience of being a mother.

Because they are divine when they are fast asleep.

Because their first solids, words, steps, picture, goal is a tremendous achievement and you facilitated it and made half of you succeed at it.

Because at 18/19 you will wave them off to uni and your house will seem empty.

Because they fall in love, they break up, you hug them.like when they were a baby and then they fall in love again and plan weddings and you know you will be proud and you yearn to hold a tiny baby in your arms again. Their tiny baby that you can give back when you are too tired.

Each baby steps delivers you more experience and the experience grows to match the problems with like them get bigger with every step along the way.

I'll be totally honest - you need to be honest with yourself if you could honestly cope your DC has a disability. I fiercely love my DD but she has severe disabilities that only became apparent at 5 months old. Our whole world has been turned upside down I've had to quit work to care for her and we have to have our home adapted.

She's had all sorts of medical procedures and surgery and she's only 4, bless her. I'm feeling sad reading about what wonderful lives people have had with their DC because it's something we won't experience. She is wonderful and she's made me so so proud and we love her to bits but my god it's been so so tough. It still is. We have no history of disabilities in the family and so it was a big shock really. We've had to adapt immensely. Just putting the other side of the coin out there. ♥️

I saw a video that was titled ‘things I wish I knew before I had kids’ and she said ‘you will never know peace again’ and that sums it up well. I was very much similar to you before I had a baby.

When he was born I felt like my whole life had been bulldozed over and I was waiting for it to just magically pick back up again and become ‘my’ life just with a child, that never happened (or at least hasn’t yet and he’s 2!), my life has been rebuilt in a totally different way as I’m a totally different person - and my little boy is at the centre of every element of my life.

Me and his dad both work full time, I genuinely can’t believe I ever thought I was tired before I had a child. We don’t stop, ever, he still doesn’t sleep well either (that’s also a thing I never knew - some don’t sleep for a really long time). Our standards of clean and tidy have had to change, along with many other aspects of our life. I also find some elements of parenting super boring like bath time but it’s just one of those things.

However the happiness and love he has brought to my life is like nothing I’ve ever known, he is my best friend and the love of my life, every difficulty, every hard day, every time I thought I was going to lose my mind from tiredness has been worth it a thousand times over.

Collie that's mean. The OP's reality is her reality and that is valid.

Roses you put that so beautifully ❤️

It's not all negative. It's bloody hard and life changing having kids but it's also just lovely a lot of the time

-bath and bedtime is fricken boring

I don't find it boring. I have a bath with my kids sometimes and it's lovely cuddling in the water and playing with their little toys.
Bedtime can be just gorgeous reading a story and cuddling them to sleep.
Sometimes it's a chore, sometimes they don't play ball and it's stressful, but I wouldn't say 'fricken boring'.

-they aren’t so cute when they want your attention ALL THE TIME

Mine don't want attention all the time. They can sit and watch a film and cuddle up to me, they will happily go and play with their toys and give me some peace. Play on their tablet. Go in the garden.
Sometimes it's intense. But not always.

-they don’t appreciate the money you spend

Why does this matter? Kids are kids. I don't expect mine to understand the value of money. They are always happy and grateful for treats

-there is inevitable clutter everywhere

Doesn't have to be.

-the weekend is not your own

It's ours as a family

-it felt like being at work

They're not your kids, it's different.