What’s it like, really?

[SixteenTwelve]

My fiancé and I are having the “should we have kids after we are married” discussion and tbh we are both quite hesitant.

We like our life and these are probably silly reasons but I just can’t see kids fitting in. When I get up in the morning I get jobs done before work and sometimes when I come in for half an hour. Our house is always clean, tidy and we have minimal clutter. We like to socialise with our friends and make unplanned, and sometimes frivolous purchases. We are both exhausted today and have been hanging out in bed since dinner (which we had at 7). Wouldn’t be able to do that with kids.

We looked after my niece and nephew at the weekend and it was lovely as a one off but I came away thinking:
-bath and bedtime is fricken boring
-they aren’t so cute when they want your attention ALL THE TIME
-they don’t appreciate the money you spend
-there is inevitable clutter everywhere
-the weekend is not your own
-it felt like being at work

I really like the idea of having children but the lifestyle of being a parent just seems HARD.

How do you do it all?
When do you get your jobs done?
How do you cope when you can’t rest/chill in the evening?

I don’t want to miss out by not having kids but I don’t want to be a grouchy “shouty mum” either.

Don’t know what my question is just looking for perspectives I guess!

How vile. Having a kid is the most selfish thing a person can do, by an incomparable margin. Saying such vile things about childfree people is just embarrassing yourself.

Yes, it's very hard work. I'm a single mum to twins, and it's just been subsumed into my life.
But you work with it - I love my 2-3 hours in the evening when the children are in bed and I have dinner/glass of wine/ catch up on TV or book.
I keep their playroom very tidy, would stress me out not to. But I've a long list of "house jobs" that need to be done, and no time to do them. I've had to learn a lot of patience and to accept that things won't get done as quickly as before, since there's no time.
But I love my twins so much, everything is worth it. And even though they're toddlers now, I know it won't seem long till they're independent.

DH and I had always said we wanted kids, just after we had lived our lives first. We got married. We bought a house. We travelled. We both have secure jobs and savings behind us.
When we realised we werent getting any younger we started trying. But nothing happened for 3 years.
By this time I was in my late 30's and was being referred for fertility investigations which is something I never thought would happen.
Somehow we managed to fall pregnant before my referral appointment and we welcomed a beautiful daughter 9months later.
Pregnancy was shit. I was constantly ill.
The birth became a scene from ER and my recovery went on for 12 weeks.
It was so fucking hard and for the first 12 weeks I regretted ever having a baby.

But.
She is 6 months old now.
She is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us.
We dont have the same lives we had a year ago.
Our house isnt as tidy but I dont care.
There is baby stuff everywhere and thats ok.
I cant lay in til 10am on a weekend unless DH takes DD downstairs when she wakes at 7am.
The bedtime routine is lovely, the laughter from her in the bath, the sleepy cuddles before she drifts off.
I spend far too much money on her and she doesnt appreciate it, why should she, shes a baby.
She is a proper little person with her own personality. She laughs all the time, she smiles constantly, but she can be an irritable little madam when over tired, just like me!

Everyone has a different take on having a family. If you dont feel ready now, then youre not.
Dont have a child because its the done thing.
It is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done, ive cried way more in 6months than I have in the last 6 years. I am exhausted and more often than not, I have baby sick on me.
But its rewarding.
Only have a family if youre really ready.

Are you the only one doing housework at the moment?

Honestly it's the hardest thing you will ever do... but I wouldn't be without my little annoying, noisy people.

Currently sat here missing them.. free night and all I can do is look forward to them coming home

What a horrible (and inaccurate) thing to say.

OP, most of what you've listed is true (apart from the bed at 7 - kids after 6 months or so are ideally asleep by 7 or 8, so there's nothing stopping you going straight up once they're in bed. I do this about once a week!).

But I think the main thing is that the negatives of having children are quantifiable and very easy to envisage if you don't have children - tired all the time, lack of money, no time to keep things tidy, less couple time). The positives are harder to imagine before you actually feel them - as PPs have said, small things like cuddles in the morning, the first time they say mummy or daddy, seeing their character traits emerge. I think a lot of people don't feel 'ready' for this reason because when you consider it before children, the negative list seems to beat the positive list.

Good on you for considering this in advance though, it's a very selfless thing to do. I was similar to you and on balance I don't regret having children.

Thank you for the (mostly) kind responses.

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas we do share housework but I’ll be honest and say I do the lionshare largely due to me having high standards that I like to be maintained. DP does cook, do the washing up, put laundry on/out/ away, change the bedsheets every Sunday, hoover, and generally pick up after himself. He will also do other jobs like building flat pack, going up in the loft etc so he isn’t useless although I do do more!

@CoreyTaylorsbiggestfan we are both approaching 30 at rapid speed.

@zeromango thank you for making this point. I’ll be honest and say that I have considered this before. I work with families who have had their lives turned upside down by unexpected disabilities so I see how difficult it can be if you are not getting the right support.

To the person who made the point about it being better to regret not having them than having them, I think this is really important. Once they are here they are here for life - you can’t take them back if you change your mind!

I suppose we have a good 5ish years to think about it so perhaps no need to rush into deciding.

I think your list is pretty spot on and it's worth being aware of the hard parts.

For me I just knew I wanted to have kids. Yes there are tedious parts but the overall experience of seeing this person grow, creating a family, getting to know them and having that relationship, those things are all as amazing as I thought they would be. I also find babies and toddlers to be incredibly cute and funny. Have one in the teen stage now and helping him figure out his life plans/seeing him develop his own interests and opinions is also pretty amazing.

On reflection it's interesting for you that it's a choice op. It wasn't for me - having children was a visceral, primordial need and I can't ever remember not wanting g to be a mummy. Didn't become one until nearly 35 though.

You aren't ready and that's fine. Also, when you write it down in black and white it sounds awful but somehow you adapt and it becomes normal and there is no way you would change it- well I wouldn't!

With children, the more effort and time you put in, The more reward you get back. My dd is 7 and I adore the conversations we have. I parent in a completely opposite way to my parents and have a great relationship with her. I've also learnt that parenting isn't really about the children; its about you- I've learnt a lot about myself and have worked on my emotional resilience.

Theres no way to know what kind of kids you will have, they could be very high maintenance,
special needs or very placid and easy going. For me, I was blessed with a happy, laid back little boy who unfortunately was a terrible sleeper for the first 7 months of his life. He sleeps all night now but that may or may not last. Lack of sleep is honestly the only thing I have found difficult about being a mum. I don't relate to the unrelentless drudgery comments but then I only have the one and he is still young.

Obviously finance and support plays a big role and this is something you should have some idea of now. You mention you like making big frivolous purchases, so do I and that hasn't changed at all since having a child. We also like to socialise at the weekends, again this hasn't changed since becoming parents but I have a very hands on husband who is happy to let me go meet friends while he hangs out with our child and vice versa. We also have 2 sets of grandparents who jump at any opportunity to babysit so we go out on a date night every week. Family support is absolutely huge.

they don’t appreciate the money you spend
This statement jumps out as being a bit bizarre to me, no of course they don't but you can't expect them to, they're just little kids. This almost reads like you'll resent the money you spend on them.

Yes, the money thing is interesting. I think - as long as their needs are met - it's usually quite low on the list of the things they have a want for, and will remember. You end up intrigued by the things they do appreciate and remember, as you probably wouldn't have guessed at most of them. At the moment, at a point when DD is getting to the age of parents being mortifyingly embarrassing just for being there, I have been secretly made happy by her falling about laughing time after time at the fact that I can remember all the verses of 'Found A Peanut' and an (incredibly annoying, to me, but don't tell her) sing song rhyme of scout campfire variety, something that started on Saturday and hasn't got old.

I would not have thought I would have missed out if I hadn't had any children, but it's been an amazing ride, one that I know will be 'gone' (in the sense of the years as a family) before I know it. The baby years were the most authentic I have ever felt. A couple of things you realise with hindsight are that as soon as you think you have a handle on one 'stage', it's about to shift and move on; and - especially with more than one child - once you're there, there is no time for reflection, so you will mostly be ok with doing the best you can.

Don’t do it it’s shit.

I agree with @zeromango, you won't know what's it's like until you do it and if your children are less able than others it will be a huge struggle. I have 2 children, my son has ASD/PDA as well as ADHD, tourettes and SPD. My daughter has ADD. It's hard, like really really hard, but once they're with you there's no going back. I think you're being very wise thinking this through so thoroughly before making a decision. It will change your life, forever and you will feel a love like you've never felt before, it's just hard, even if you have neurotypical children (I'd imagine 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I loved the quote by Samantha in Sex and The City 'Bye bye baby, what else is on the menu?'

You can have an incredible life of luxury, comfort, travel. I had my DD at 37 and I feel like I had a good 18 years of loving my child free life. True, the first year or so feels very much in the trenches and I absolutely struggled and felt trapped and annoyed at how I couldnt just get up and leave the house, couldnt got o a farmers market on a whim etc.

Now I have a two year old, back at work which I love, shes thriving in nursery and I miss her ALL DAY. She is so funny, headstrong, compassionate. Its nothing like other peoples kids. I am constantly amazed at what she learns and how she changes. I would throw my husband under a bus to save her.

😂 I was about to post something similar

It's all of the above, it's everything you fear, but my gosh it's the best thing ever! I have a 15 month old and I've not had a full night sleep the whole time, but you survive, you adapt and you get on with it!

You 100% have to be ready though. I had my a lot later than all of my friends because of this.

My life has changed more than I could ever imagine and I love it!

We were like this. There came a point though after we’d been married for 2 years and we’re in our early thirties that we felt a bit silly and self indulgent going on holiday just the two of us and spending Christmas with our parents. Also we kept going out to places and saying ‘this would be great for a kid’ etc.

its a big shock and it’s hard, at the moment though our boy goes down pretty well at 7 and we have the evening to ourselves (he’s 8 months) the newborn phase was horrid as there’s no ‘bedtime’ and they don’t sleep through. Some babies still don’t sleep through even at this age but we’ve been lucky so far.

you do have to wave goodbye to your old life, but you can get bits of it back by having family or babysitter look after them. And once they are teenagers they probably won’t want to hang out with you anymore!

it sounds like you’re not ready now, but if you ever are you will probably know. It’s always a risk but it’s one we were willing to take in the end. We’re tired but to us it’s what life is all about, they bring so much joy.

I never really liked other peoples kids and still don’t tbh, I think we just got to a point where we felt we’d done everything as just a two and felt ready to make a family. And being in our thirties we thought we’d better start trying in case we had any fertility problems. It did take us 2 years but we got there in the end.

it might be something you decide you want in a few years x

What @RedHerring24 said!

I wouldn’t if I had my time again although I wouldn’t not want them now that they are here IYSWIM. I do adore them and feel huge pride; they are amazing.

However, my first one had, and still has, significant medical needs so lots of operations and so on. But he was and is a laid back and contented child. Having said that, he was a poor sleeper until he was 18 months old. His medical issues will affect him for the rest of his life.

My second child was, and remains high needs and was an atrocious sleeper, and still is at 9. She is also severely dyslexic and has ADHD along with associated anxiety.

I had PND following number 2 and my MH deteriorated over many years. I am just emerging from the fog now. So all in all it’s been very challenging. However I have lots of friends with 2/3 children with no additional needs and have had a much easier ride of things albeit with all of the usual challenges.

Oh, and also lots of them have regular nights / weekends off due to family support. We both had abusive childhoods and have no family support at all. Our first child free weekend will come when the youngest is 16 or so and they are old enough to be left. I’m going to visit friends this weekend which will be the first childfree night for a year. We have never had a child free night as a couple and the oldest is 12…..

But they are amazing and I couldn’t imagine life without them.

@RosesAndHellebores this, just this 😍

I adore my nieces and nephews and looked after them on a regular bases before having my own little boy but it’s NOTHING like having your own child. With your own you find joy in things you thought would never be joyful

don’t get me wrong there are times when I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day because I’m so tired and I do get the occasional mum rage when the house isn’t as tidy as I’d like, but I always think as long as you have a supportive partner then that will make all the difference

I genuinely hand on heart wake up every morning feeling excited about the day ahead with my son. Just taking him out in the buggy and picking flowers for him brings me so much joy watching him investigate the flowers. Putting him in the trolley and watching him take it all in makes shopping so much better.

he is the funniest little boy ever but in all honesty if it was a strangers child I’d probably smile but I wouldn’t feel the same warmth as I do knowing hes mine.

it’s hard to describe. Things I never thought i would find enjoyable I really really do. Me anr DP spent most of our 20s travelling all the time and doing whatever we wanted and I was supper worried that i would miss that life… but I wouldn’t go back. I love taking our little boy on adventures with us and I think if you want to continue doing things when you have a child then you need to do it from when they’re a baby so it’s ‘normal’ for them

oh, and when they come up to you for a hug is the best feeling in the world.

We tried for years to get pregnant and after 2 failed attempts at ivf we decided to give it a break and said if it happens it happens... it didnt, we accepted that and realised we wouldn't have children and seen our future as just us 2 and what we wanted to do etc... until we fell pregnant out the blue in 2020!

All the things came into our head like the ones you have said, my fear was affording a baby, how would we cope, how our life was going to change so much after thinking it was going to be us two.

Our little girl is now 18 months and she is the best thing thats happened to us!
Yes its hard at times, relentless, the sleepless nights are hard yes but you just power through, the house is more messy now than its ever been (toddlers can make a serious mess) but she's happy and that's all that matters!
You just adapt to getting things done when you can, they will get done eventually.
You will find a way of doing things for yourself and getting into a good routine will help with having those evenings to yourself again.
Working as a team is the best way!

You will both know when & if your ready to have a baby, let it be when your both ready and not when society says so xx