Step mom troubles with toddler step daughter

[Stepmomhelp]

I am a step mom with a 4 year old step daughter with whom I'm having difficulties with at the moment and need advice.

A bit of background. I have been with her dad and her for 2 years, so I've been part of her life since she was 2 years old. I have no children and she is an only child. We have her 50% of the time, so alternate days.

For the last 6-8 months, I'm practically invisible to her, unless her dad is unavailable and she needs something. Aside from that, she can be quite rude and nasty to me too.

I do everything a biological parent would do. I'm the one that gets her dressed and fed in the mornings and take her to school. I generally pick her up from child care in the afternoon. My partner and I both bath her in the evening, do story time and tuck her in at night. Basically we live and operate as a biological family.

Having said that, if I wasn't there, it would make no difference to her.

Everything is "daddy" at the moment. If we have a movie night, all she wants is to cuddle daddy. If I ask for cuddles, she'll refuse. If I ask to play with her, she'll refuse and say she only wants daddy. When I pick her up from child care, she has such a disappointing look on her face and the first things she says is "where's daddy". If she's drawing a picture, she'll ask "who wants this picture?" And if I say I do, she'll say well no it's for daddy. If we do anything as a family, shell only want to do it with her daddy, anything! I literally can't do right.

She literally clings on him 24/7 but I can't even get a hug. I know he is her dad and I'm not resentful nore know I can't have the same relationship, but I'd take even 1% of it. Like I said, she'll only ask me/come to me if there is no other option and she needs something like a drink or snack. It's like I'm her nanny/slave.

I've spoken to my partner about it and while he now acknowledged it (after a long time) he's response is "what do you want me to do about it? I've spoken to her not to be so rude or nasty". He also says it's because I do all the mundane things with her, such as the school run and he is the "novelty" when he gets home from work.

She is very spoilt and her parents certainly suffer from divorce guilt, she gets absolutely everything she wants, especially from her mom. So I feel I'm set up to fail.

As I said, I know I'm not her biological parent, but seeing as I've known her since she was 2, and raise her as my child, why do I get absolutely no affection or respect from her? It's not like I've come into her life as an older child or teenager.

The sad thing is, that I'm starting to be resentful of her and her being here as she makes me feel unwelcome in my own home. I'm starting to stay in my home office and work rather than spend time with the family because I know ill just feel like an outsider and get upset. Which is very counter productive, I know.

I'd appreciate some advice on what to do and how long this bonding process will take? She can't even remember her parents being together, so it's not like I've split them up in her mind, right? I'm just worried I invest in this family and it'll only get worse as she gets older. I love my partner to bits and I want to be here but I can't continue to feel like a stranger and unwelcome in my home.

Thanks for your advice

She’s not rude and nasty - she’s four
She’s going between two houses and two sets of adults - her dad is a constant and that’s why she favours him. Alternate days sounds really hard work for her
Lots of kids have a parent they prefer over another and then it changes
You’re assigning adult feelings to a very small child who is in a difficult situation

Afraid mine is like this too and I'm his biological mother! Unfortunately kids that age go through stages of favouritism, it's not you and it's not really her either, it's just another difficult stage. Hope things improve for both of you soon.

It's a stage, My 4 year old is currently deep in it! Daddy is his absolute favourite at the moment. It'll pass but you need to let it pass

I'd have a chat with your DP about stepping back a bit. He should be doing the school runs, dressing her, baths, etc. He should be understanding of the fact that your relationship with his child is potentially being damaged by being over-involved in things he should be doing as her father.

I completely understand how hurtful it feels as I met my SD when she was 2 as well, and it would hurt me. But I never had her 50/50 and so I was more of a 'guest star' for a long time, which probably helped relations.

So my first resort would definitely be stepping away from some of the things you're doing and seeing if that helps.

Affection respect nasty

Mayve about a teenager or adukt
Not about a four year old
She is four
Behaviour is communucation

Book family therapy if you want to resolve and explore why

Back off doing so much. No wonder she is resenting you. Her df should be doing the things you mention.

4 year olds do this even in together families. You attributing some very deliberate behaviour to her that she just isn't capable of at her age.

I do think your DP needs to step up and do the bulk of her day to day parenting, why has that fallen to you?

My daughter has always been a real daddys girl and favoured him, and im the biological mum! I think as a stepparent though youll likely be extra sensitive to this.
Try not to put any resentment onto the kid though, but maybe take a step back and get him to do the nursery pick ups. Maybe try and reframe the role you play so its less parental. No point you having the chores of motherhood with none of the rewards

to be honest as someone with 2 toddlers i see that you are probably the one in the wrong, the way you say its rude and nasty. that isnt how a kid sees things, now they just see you as the one that calls them horrible names and makes them feel bad, you need to step back, let her be a daddys child as HE is her parent not you.

no wonder she wants to be more about daddy, she already has a mother! As she grows this may change but right now this is a 4 year old that knows she has 1 mother and 1 father and then you ....

also my daughter is like this with me, she wants me to do everything whilst daddy gets to just chill, shes a bit better now but i still have to do bedtime most times.

I'm sure if there is a stepfather figure in the picture he's not the one doing the grunt work at her other house, Stop doing all this stuff and then you won't feel so upset and aggrieved. By all means pick her up from school if it's convenient, read with her etc but her dad should be the one getting her up, putting her to bed, cooking her meals etc. imo

As a mum to a 4 year old, honestly she's just being a 4 year old! It's tough. Please cut her some slack, she's so little.

Even taking the step element out of the equation a lot of kids go through the stage of having a "favourite" parent. As a step mum though my advice would be to gradually stop doing so much of the mundane tasks. She had two parents to do this for her.

I really appreciate all of the comments and advice and I agree and understand most of them. I'm probably oversensitive in some aspects given I just want to have the "happy blended family" which potentially doesn't exist. Having said that, if I step back as most suggest, won't that make me more of an outsider? I want to bond with her and her to see me as family, albeit not her mum. I just don't know what the balance should be

Oh and it is normal to feel like a bit of an outsider. It will get better. She's only 4 so doesn't have the words quite yet to deal with her complicated emotions.

That reads as pretty harsh and mean.
The OP has been there since 2 years old so im sure its not about OP being irrelevent as not the mother or father, and just about little children often being like this with a parent.
Hell, my kids have all gone through phases where its their nana who was the golden one.
All of my kids have gone through phases where theyd cry if it was me collecting from nursery. Theyve also done it to their dad. Its really normal behaviour.
I think its important to get it into perspective.
Saying that, theres lots that i tolerate from my own children because i have to, but i cant say id have stuck around if it was someone elses kid giving me grief while i was expected to do the wifework

It is a tricky balance and probably one you will be working on and adjusting for the rest of your relationship! It won't make you an outsider, dad doesn't do these things and he's not an outsider. It means you can choose what you do and don't do for her. I find my "blended family" got on much better when I stopped trying to make it something and just let our relationship evolve organically.

Why are you doing the parenting, school runs etc. rather than her dad?

I dont think it will make you an outsider. Especially if youre planning on being around for the longhaul. I think it will just be less pressure. You could go back to being her dads partner and not try and take on a motherly role unless the child starts wanting that.
It must be hard to have her there 50% of the time though. Are you planning on having your own kid?

Her Dad needs to do the mundane parenting and you do more of the fun stuff.

I hope you aren't sacrificing earrings and pension to raise his daughter whilst he swans off to work.

You need to think of yourself here, you are building your life around your stepchild. If you separated from your partner you have zero rights to see her, she is too young to have her wishes listened to to see you. You would be completely dependent on her parents good will, which usually ends with new relationships starting.

See your friends, carry on with your hobbies, be the fun step mum. Your partner is abdicating all responsibility, there doesn't seem to be any sacrifice on his part.

Yes we want more/ our own kids. But it's just of a rough patch at the moment which is laying in some doubt. But yes, we do. She wants a brother/sister too, being an only child. The 50/50 thing must be hard, I know kids are adaptable but as she gets older, I can only imagine how difficult it is being in a different house/bed each night. I've expressed this, but it's not my place to decide.

I agree with PP that you need to do less of the mundane tasks and let her dad be her primary caregiver.

I also think alternate days is a fucking nightmare for a kid that small. Or any age. She literally never gets any sense of stability, she's in a different bed each night, bouncing from parent to parent, no wonder she's clinging to her dad! You need to revisit the schedule.

I think the thing is OP, as hard as it can feel, we are not their parents...no matter how much of the 'parent' work we do. Wanting to feel like you're up there alongside mum and dad is just setting yourself up to fail, and you will always feel upset.

I get it because it must be really hard to have a young child around 50% of the time and be doing exactly what you'd be doing with your own child for them, but getting none of the recognition/good bits. I would feel the same I think. But you need to prioritise yourself a bit here and recognise that what you're currently doing is leading to bad feelings, from yourself about the unfairness of your situation and potentially from your SD who may not understand.

You won't be an outsider if you step back a little bit and take on more of an 'auntie' vibe. You should be the one doing the fun stuff and being the novelty, not her dad.

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