Step mom troubles with toddler step daughter

[Stepmomhelp]

I am a step mom with a 4 year old step daughter with whom I'm having difficulties with at the moment and need advice.

A bit of background. I have been with her dad and her for 2 years, so I've been part of her life since she was 2 years old. I have no children and she is an only child. We have her 50% of the time, so alternate days.

For the last 6-8 months, I'm practically invisible to her, unless her dad is unavailable and she needs something. Aside from that, she can be quite rude and nasty to me too.

I do everything a biological parent would do. I'm the one that gets her dressed and fed in the mornings and take her to school. I generally pick her up from child care in the afternoon. My partner and I both bath her in the evening, do story time and tuck her in at night. Basically we live and operate as a biological family.

Having said that, if I wasn't there, it would make no difference to her.

Everything is "daddy" at the moment. If we have a movie night, all she wants is to cuddle daddy. If I ask for cuddles, she'll refuse. If I ask to play with her, she'll refuse and say she only wants daddy. When I pick her up from child care, she has such a disappointing look on her face and the first things she says is "where's daddy". If she's drawing a picture, she'll ask "who wants this picture?" And if I say I do, she'll say well no it's for daddy. If we do anything as a family, shell only want to do it with her daddy, anything! I literally can't do right.

She literally clings on him 24/7 but I can't even get a hug. I know he is her dad and I'm not resentful nore know I can't have the same relationship, but I'd take even 1% of it. Like I said, she'll only ask me/come to me if there is no other option and she needs something like a drink or snack. It's like I'm her nanny/slave.

I've spoken to my partner about it and while he now acknowledged it (after a long time) he's response is "what do you want me to do about it? I've spoken to her not to be so rude or nasty". He also says it's because I do all the mundane things with her, such as the school run and he is the "novelty" when he gets home from work.

She is very spoilt and her parents certainly suffer from divorce guilt, she gets absolutely everything she wants, especially from her mom. So I feel I'm set up to fail.

As I said, I know I'm not her biological parent, but seeing as I've known her since she was 2, and raise her as my child, why do I get absolutely no affection or respect from her? It's not like I've come into her life as an older child or teenager.

The sad thing is, that I'm starting to be resentful of her and her being here as she makes me feel unwelcome in my own home. I'm starting to stay in my home office and work rather than spend time with the family because I know ill just feel like an outsider and get upset. Which is very counter productive, I know.

I'd appreciate some advice on what to do and how long this bonding process will take? She can't even remember her parents being together, so it's not like I've split them up in her mind, right? I'm just worried I invest in this family and it'll only get worse as she gets older. I love my partner to bits and I want to be here but I can't continue to feel like a stranger and unwelcome in my home.

Thanks for your advice

My bio kids go through stages of preferring one of us over the other too. You sound very loving and she's lucky to have you in her life. It sounds like she might be craving some one on one with dad. Perhaps you could pull back on some of the day to day stuff, so she gets more alone time with dad. That might change the dynamic a bit. My son is almost four and can be rude to his dad when he's craving mum and vice versa. Once we've had some quality time, he snaps back to loving and relaxed.

She is there to spend time with her Dad not you. It sounds like you are the Primary Carer but you aren’t her Mum, you are her Dads girlfriend.
Be nice and welcoming but back off a bit, she has a mum and doesn’t need another one. You need to work out your relationship with her and give her and her Dad more time together

I can understand why you did alternate nights when she was tiny but can it switch to 2 nights at each place now and EOW? I think you need to step back and not do the boring/mundane care but be around for the fun stuff. She's trying to have some control over a life that she gets little control in (where she is at any given time, who picks her up etc) and unfortunately you're bearing the brunt of that but try not to take it personally. It's so hard for them emotionally going back and forth when they're so little - I split with DS's dad when he was a baby.

That said, I do think you can pull this back. Her Dad needs to step up and be the consistent parent when she's at yours and let you be the fun friend. Let her choose for you to read her a bedtime story or do her bath and be prepared for her to keep choosing her Dad for a while. I do think in time she may go "oh, actually I do want Stepmomhelp..." when she gets to make the choice.

honestly four year olds are just like that, my four year old clings to me and largely ignores his dad unless he needs something. At other ages his dad has been favourite parent.

I agree with what others are saying about alternate days, while that's not your problem to deal with as a step parent it might be worth raising it with her dad, 50/50 contact isn't an issue in itself but alternate days will leave her feeling like she's constantly being passed back and forth with no consistency or stability.

Why are you the one doing everything for her? It sounds like your DP is massively taking the piss there. This is the core issue. He should be the one doing the vast majority of these things for her, he needs to organise his life around HIS child.

Mine both went through phases like this and I’m the biological parent. It’s very common.

Do you know much about child development?

• I take it for granted because I studied it in college, and then read voraciously when I was pregnant, but as a step mum it might not have crossed your mind.

There are a lot of stages and phases that are only problematic because of the environment in which they occur - like babies biting - easily managed by older siblings and dps in a family home but a big problem in a creche if they bite other dc.

I think this is another example of where the environment changes the context in which the behaviour is understood.

Trying to parent other peoples dc is hard, and trying to parent across two homes is hard and trying to co-parent without easy lines of communication and a common goal is hard. But understanding where the lines between normal child behaviour and problems will help you navigate some of this.

You need to take a big step back and stop investing so much of yourself in her. Let her father do the mundane things and give yourself a break.

Be calm, kind and patient even if that's not how you feel on the inside. She will come around.

Normal for a four year old.
Far worse to come over the next 14 yrs. Parenting is very hard. Biological or otherwise
Buckle up and good luck!!

Hi OP, this is normal behaviour, most children act like this even with their biological parents at some point, my youngest went through a phase of only wanting me, my DH felt like he didn’t exist and I’ve seen the same thing happen with other children in my family.
I wouldn’t push her for hugs or attention but at the same time make yourself available to her if she does need you. I’d keep correcting her if she is being rude, my youngest also has autism so we’ve always explained how words can “hurt our hearts” and reminded him to use kind words.
She will warm up to you again in time and it can’t be easy for her going between homes at such a young age, children are so very resilient but they also don’t know how to express themselves with words so their feelings are expressed via their behaviour.
It’s not easy being a parent, there’s no guide books and we are all playing one big guessing game, try not to feel resentful and just remind yourself this phase will pass and there will be more to come. Wishing you all the best!

Slight side note but have a very good think about timing for your own child because if you read step-parenting threads on here, the birth of the SM’s own child is often where things get much much worse.

If you can afford to wait a good few years till your SD is much older and more independent and not ‘competing’ with your own child so directly, I suspect that might help.

My experience is not as a SM but my hormones ran wild when I had babies and I was incredibly protective.

Why is your partner not parenting his child ? Do you not work?

He's laughing isn't he? He's hit you doing all the mundane work whilst he is Disney dad, of course he doesn't want that to change.

Are you independent or are you living in his house?

Step away from the child related stuff and see how your partner steps up. You will then be able to relax and see the bigger picture.