Everyone else having all the fun with baby

[avajamesbee]

Hi there, I have a bit of a strange "issue"... I have a 7 month baby and I love motherhood. However, I find most of the day is spent doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, life admin (so not things directly related to baby), or changing baby's nappy, feeding, putting to sleep, dressing (so doing things TO baby). I feel I don't have lots of one-on-one time with him because there's always something to do, something to rush for (naps, feeding, etc), somewhere we have to be. When I have friends and family over they always seem to have lots of fun with him because they get to do just the fun stuff with him.

Recently we've started sleep training as I have a chronic health issue which becomes worse when I don't have a good night's sleep, and the sleep consultant requires us to be quite military with the schedule she's created for the first few weeks until we get him into a routine, and to put him down on his own in his crib for naps, etc. It's absolutely working, however when we have people over sometimes they let him fall asleep on them before it's his time for a nap according to the schedule (when I'm out of the room), which annoys me so much because I spend all this time being careful with putting him down in his cot, missing out on cuddles with him only to have somebody else get that experience with him.

I feel that as a parent, I'm trying to do all the right things for him only to have somebody (a grandparent, etc) come and enjoy the fun parts of having a baby nearby since they don't have to think about schedule, discipline, night sleep, etc. Do you ever feel like this? Is this just a normal aspect of parenthood (having to do so many things related to the home)? I suppose in my mind I imagined I would have hours and hours to spend with my baby.

Is there anything you could take your foot off the peddle with a bit? I mean this kindly but it all seems a bit intense. I can’t imagine not having time in the day to just ‘be’ with my baby even though of course there’s other stuff to do too. Does it really need to be so full on every day?

also- he’s seven months old. Why on earth are you needing to think about discipline?!

i don’t have family nearby though so when we do see then I pretty much give over the baby to them so they can enjoy. Most of the time it’s just me and DS. Do you need to have people around so much?

Please lord sit down and cuddle your baby today

i get what you’re saying, but you are the one on control here - is your baby. Sit down, cuddle/ feed him to sleep and enjoy him

My youngest of 3 is 8 months and I get to play with her and really enjoy her as well as doing all the jobs you listed, there should definitely still be plenty of time to enjoy your baby especially when it's your first? Groceries, life admin etc aren't done every day or all day.

Sorry to hear you feel that way but being so strict with a schedule can't be good for you or him. I also have a chronic condition made worse by lack of sleep (MS) and I am raising baby on my own so have all the chores etc. I have just had to accept that its going to be a tough few years but I'd never dream of letting that affect our bonding. She's 10 months now and I feel that I get a lot of time to enjoy being with her.

Try to make time to go to baby groups or outings together and let him sleep when he feels he needs to sleep, feed when he feels he needs to feed etc. He's a baby not a robot and will need differing levels of sleep /milk each day depending on a whole range of things. Also being tied to having him sleep only in cot is very restrictive as it means you can't really go out for bonding experiences if he's not allowed to sleep in his pram / on you etc.

I prioritise time with DD first and then get done what I can do in the time left. To be fair, she's my second and I learnt this lesson with my first and regret the time I spent tidying etc that I could have spent cuddling and playing. It is absolutely a good use of your time to be with your baby as you don't get the time again It does mean that sometimes the house is messier than I'd like and the laundry basket gets very full but there'll be plenty of time to be on top of those things once DD is older. My mum prioritised housework growing up and to be honest it was a bit miserable. Once I was a bit older I'd have loved it if she'd sat and watched a film with me or taken me to the park/baked something together/played a game with me but she was always too busy doing house stuff as she worked during the week and once she'd cleaned/tidied it had to stay that way. Enjoy your baby

I think if you take a step back you'll see you really do have those lovely playful moments with him, it's just that there's so much other crap involved in parenting that they can overwhelm the nice stuff at times.

For the next week, make an effort to enjoy the little moments you'll find they're there. And also make the effort to snatch them whenever you can, the house work can wait!

Parenting small children really can be a relentless drudgery at times.

I agree with other posters, if you feel you're missing out on time with the baby then it's fine to relax on the housework a bit!

My baby is slightly older at 8 months but I normally do housework during his first nap so I can just sit and relax during his second nap! If I have extra jobs to do beyond that then I pop him in his jumperoo for 15 or 20 minutes with nursery rhymes playing. It never takes me any longer than that to do some tidying or laundry. If he is being extra demanding on a particular day or if we have a crap nap day then the house might be a bit of a mess but I dont worry about it!

My husband and I take turns cooking but I make a lot of faster meals now rather than stuff that takes a lot of time and requires loads of cleaning up afterwards.

I find I have plenty time to play, read and cuddle with him. We also have a pretty strict nap schedule and I just make it clear to visitors that his nap isn't until 3:30pm so not to put him to sleep before then and it's never been a problem. What you've described would annoy me to no end too! Best of luck with the sleep training, I'm sure you'll find everything easier once everyone is getting more sleep!

When he naps you can do the jobs.
he must be really tired to fall asleep on someone when you leave the room. How long are you out of the room for?

have a few days where no family come round. You don’t clean the house everyday, or grocery shop.
I have one day a week where I do alllll the admin and tasks - sometimes 2 days.

I have plenty of play time with my daughter 8 months.
sign up for some baby classes this will give focused play time and the structure you are looking for

You're doing to much. Where is baby's Dad? Why aren't you sharing housework? You don't live in a show home why put pressure on yourself to keep it perfect at the expense of playing with your son and helping him develop? Are you on mat leave to housekeep a show home or raise a child?

mine would have had to be absolutely shattered to fall asleep on someone at that age.

It sounds like you need to drop your domestic standards. Housework, shopping and life admin shouldn't take up that much time. Get food delivered, clean less (and get your partner to help with both that and laundry), and cook less - especially summer time you don't need to.

You should have time to just be with him.

Are you a bit anxious by any chance? - if you are then talk to the GP about that as (IF you are) relaxing that will help you relax standards.

If you are on a schedule then tell people - 'He's going down for a nap at 11, so please don't let him fall asleep - or call me if he is'. People usually get that fine.

Have to agree with @Luredbyapomegranate , can't understand how you have so much to do unless you are a single parent with a job and other children. I went back to work when DC1 was 13 weeks and ebf (so expressing milk regularly) until 6 months and I'm pretty sure I had more one on one time at that stage. Get the visitors to stick a wash on or get you a carton of milk on their way over.

I know what you mean! I also imagined hours and hours just with baby and in reality it's a lot of work just to keep on top of the basic housework and the nap schedule. What helped me was to cosleep and contact nap (either sitting on sofa or out and about in the sling) rather than sleep training. Still made naps and bedtimes quite easy and I felt I had lots of time being close to my baby even if the days were otherwise hectic and full of housework. I don't know whether that might be an option given your health condition, but if you can I would reconsider the sleep consultant routine- who is she to dictate your life and your relationship with your baby like that anyway. If you want to stick with it, though, I would definitely be stricter with others re not letting him fall asleep on them! That's really not on if you're trying to implement a specific routine schedule.

My goodness what a horrible, judgy post. Are you having a bad day yourself??!

Get out of the house. The more you are in it, the more mess you and baby make and the more jobs you will need to do. Go to baby classes, go for a walk, go play at the sandpit - whatever, just get you just you and baby and have some fun!!! Tell your sleep consultant you need a more flexible routine as the current pressure on naps is too rigid.

I don’t think it’s horrible or judgy. It’s OPs choice to do all this stuff, and she doesn’t mention what the child’s other parent contributes towards parenting or chores, which is a big aspect.

Are you on mat leave to housekeep a show home or raise a child?

What kind of tone is that

You’ve identified this a a problem for you so you can rectify it. Have a slot in the day where you play. Household jobs tend to be never ending but it is possible to lower your standards a bit without living in a sty.

Dust If You Must by Rose Milligan

Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there’s not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world’s out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Sounds like you have too many visitors is there someone there every day?

Does all that stuff really take that much time? Can't you involve the baby in it? DD2 is 4m and when I have to do chores, she goes in her bouncy chair next to me, or the highchair, and I sing and chat to her while I do it. Similarly grocery shopping, we do it super slowly and I show her each thing and name them and make it a really engaging experience for her. It definitely feels like quality time.

RE visitors, you need to show a bit of backbone here and make them leave before nap time. Maybe invite them round less, and say no more?

do the grandparents who visit expect to be waited on, or would they play with the baby for an hour while you dash round and get the days chores done so you can relax and enjoy the rest of the day with baby?

this is what I do once or twice a week, my mum doesn’t visit because she wants to see me

Thank you all for the input - sometimes we get so stuck in our ways that it's easier for outside people to identify the issues. What jumps at me from your responses (and what I think I secretly suspected about myself) is that my domestic standards are too high, so there is definitely scope for improvement in this area.

To answer some of your questions - I am not actually on maternity leave, I have my own business and work part time, which is why I have lots of family over (they help with childcare while I work). I suppose due to this, I try to cram housework while I don't work, eating into my time with baby. My partner is very supportive and helps anyway he can, but he works long hours. I suppose my question was mainly if it's normal to feel like housework is never ending, and I understand that this is somewhat true, but also it's about lowering your standards.

In regards to the sleep training - I really would like to contact nap, cosleep etc, but when this happens, his schedule goes out the window, my chronic disease flares up and it gets impossible for me to look after him, and I need somebody to come over and do the childcare while I stabilise enough to be able to take care of him. So unfortunately, this is a bit of a vicious circle for me...

Bit of a drip feed there that you're working as well! Completely changes the answer. Working, taking care of a baby and attempting to run a house all by yourself at the same time is a recipe for disaster.

New plan - leave all the housework til baby is asleep for the evening, and you and your partner do it together. Work during your work hours and play with your baby when you're not working. Do the housework when your baby is asleep. Get your DP to step up more.

Get a cleaner to do some of it, you and partner do some while baby is napping. Your partner being "supportive" is irrelevant here, they need to pull their weight at home.

If your family are providing unpaid childcare then you need to set boundaries for them. If you don't or if they're not happy with it you'll have to put up with how they do things- have you explained to them how not supporting the sleep schedule is impacting on your illness? It's that or pay for childcare