Everyone else having all the fun with baby

[avajamesbee]

Hi there, I have a bit of a strange "issue"... I have a 7 month baby and I love motherhood. However, I find most of the day is spent doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, life admin (so not things directly related to baby), or changing baby's nappy, feeding, putting to sleep, dressing (so doing things TO baby). I feel I don't have lots of one-on-one time with him because there's always something to do, something to rush for (naps, feeding, etc), somewhere we have to be. When I have friends and family over they always seem to have lots of fun with him because they get to do just the fun stuff with him.

Recently we've started sleep training as I have a chronic health issue which becomes worse when I don't have a good night's sleep, and the sleep consultant requires us to be quite military with the schedule she's created for the first few weeks until we get him into a routine, and to put him down on his own in his crib for naps, etc. It's absolutely working, however when we have people over sometimes they let him fall asleep on them before it's his time for a nap according to the schedule (when I'm out of the room), which annoys me so much because I spend all this time being careful with putting him down in his cot, missing out on cuddles with him only to have somebody else get that experience with him.

I feel that as a parent, I'm trying to do all the right things for him only to have somebody (a grandparent, etc) come and enjoy the fun parts of having a baby nearby since they don't have to think about schedule, discipline, night sleep, etc. Do you ever feel like this? Is this just a normal aspect of parenthood (having to do so many things related to the home)? I suppose in my mind I imagined I would have hours and hours to spend with my baby.

Ah - it would have been helpful to know you were working

Dropping standards remains as is, but you and your partner need to sit down and do a job divvy up, as it really doesn’t sound like he is doing enough. If you can get a cleaner do - but you still need to do a divvy up.

while you are divvying up jobs, also have a rough idea of when you are getting 121 time w the baby - schedule a couple of spots

schedule - it sounds like part of the problem is you don’t like the idea of one? But if you are working and managing a chronic illness then you will need one, so try and embrace it and make sure everyone understands why they need to, pull them up when they don’t.

it also sounds like you are struggling w other people getting time w the baby. Reducing housework will help, your partner helping more will help, scheduling time in w him will help.. but you also just have to accept there are trade offs in life - if you want a business (and that totally makes sense) then someone else has to be with the baby. getting enough sleep will help w accepting this.

Yeah, we have twins and one is very vocal and on it. The other is a quiet gentle sweetheart... until 7.30pm when our girl goes sparko and our boy wriggles madly, grins like a loon and crows like a cockerel. They need that time too!

Throw in some YouTube dance parties to the songs from Encanto. Your baby will love it, and most of all because it's you.

I am not actually on maternity leave, I have my own business and work part time, which is why I have lots of family over (they help with childcare while I work)

I feel you on this; I have a five-month-old and the same situation, although I don't have family help - he's with me, right now he's bouncing away in his Jumperoo while I work. I do calls and head-down work during nap time, or when he's gone to bed, and at 4pm every day I down tools and we go do something, whether its a walk or playing or what. I also start work late on Thursdays to take him swimming.

It's hard; but the alternative is someone else getting all the fun bits while I do the rest... and I can't do that. Sometimes the house needs a good tidy, sometimes I'm working until 9/10pm, and my health conditions do flare when I'm tired, but it's working for us right now.

Re-address the balance; and enjoy your baby ❤️ Having people over is lovely but ideally you want people who will help with practical things rather than baby; or if that's not possible, to rejig things so baby is with you more.

How about getting out of the house and going to some toddler groups/ the library etc. when mine were little I always found I was much more able to be in the moment with them and enjoy them when we were out of the house. Then I couldn't be nipping around doing housework etc and just had to enjoy my babies.

I honestly wouldn’t be worrying about sleep training. They’re so little for such a short time, cuddling your baby to sleep will not cause issues! You’ve carried him for 9 months, probably exhausted yourself during labour and now aren’t allowing yourself to just enjoy him! I co-slept, fed to sleep (did it all ‘wrong’) and now I have a 2 year old that happily goes to bed in her own room at 7pm and sleeps perfectly.
Please don’t deprive yourself of cuddles and enjoyment trying to do it all. The washing will wait.
Congratulations on your baby

You have to just accept the house won't be perfect. Prioritise spending time with your little one. And stop having people round so much or at least till you have the new routine. When you're settled in that only have them over specific times that suit you?

Did you miss the bit where OP said she needs to sleep train due to chronic illness?

Start saying no to things.

Make more time for just you guys. Try not to run around as much or have people over all the time.

And good luck with your sleep training, sounds like it's going well. (And if people are visiting, tell them the routine, i.e. don't let my baby sleep).

You do have hours and hours to cuddle your baby, you just aren't prioritising it. Find the time, forget the other stuff. You can't get this time back, they are small for such a short time.
If you have grandparents help, then ask them to tidy the house or help with laundry while you sit and cuddle your baby.

I don’t personally think you need to sleep train to get adequate sleep with a baby.
To be fair, I did miss the post where she said that co-sleeping doesn’t work for their routine so if sleep training is working then all well and good.
I was only trying to be supportive and gently suggest OP put less pressure on herself as it sounds like she wants to have her baby fall asleep on her which is perfectly natural and won’t cause the world to implode (and I remembered how anxious I was to have a set routine/baby sleep in a cot and actually when I let go of those expectations, everything got easier and we all got more sleep).
I appreciate I have no experience of chronic illness though so perhaps I commented out of place, apologies.

Stop bring so rigid, yes it's all part of motherhood but timetables for sleep is a bit much. Why don't you just nap when baby does.

Because she's working!

Just enjoy your baby. There's no need for discipline (!!?) with a 7 month old! You're in charge day to day so do lovely things yourself.

I spent my maternity leave playing in the sun and paddling pool with mine, going to baby sensory classes and swimming, having picnics with friends and going for lovely lunches / pub gardens. It was blissful and now he's a wonderful, happy, sleeping toddler!

Can you get a c

Oops - can you get a cleaner to do the drudgery? Best £40 I spend each week and especially if you're working part time with a baby, you don't want to spend your spare time cleaning a bathroom!

Totally disagree with posters encouraging you to resort to contact napping or co-sleeping. Presumably you'd rather have the quality time you crave with your baby while he is awake not sleeping on you. Much better for you to be able to get on with work/chores during naptime. You say that you're making good progress with sleep training so stick with it and it will pay off in dividends! A cleaner is a good idea if you can afford it.

What is your day like with your baby when you aren't working? Do you do little but often or longer work shifts?

We read books, we play with his building blocks, stacking cups, etc. I teach him words from flash cards, we dance to music. We "cook" together - I put him in the high chair in the kitchen whilst I cook and I talk him through the recipe, give him the ingredients to smell and touch/feel. We go to swimming classes, walks, baby play group. We sing a lot of nursery rhymes and songs. When I put away the laundry, I take him to the rooms with me and he crawls around the floor while I talk to him about various stuff.

Reading all the replies I realise that yes, in terms of the domestic chores I could be more lax, however I'm already doing all the other things suggested to do with him. However, he started crawling a few weeks ago and he doesn't want to be cuddled anymore, doesn't really sit still, wants to explore everything around him. So when we play, it only lasts for about 3-4mins before he loses interest and takes off or starts climbing on things.

He's also pretty independent and can play on his own for a long time, so when he loses interest in our activity, he goes and plays on his own, and I use this opportunity to do some small bits around the house. Perhaps this rushing around to do things, and only spending a few minutes at a time playing with him is giving me the feeling that I am not "enjoying" the fun bits of having a baby.

And in regards to the "discipline" as I saw that some people flagged that - apologies, I'm not a native speaker and discipline in my language also means "raising/looking after" a child and I absentmindedly used it like this in my post.

You do LOADS with him. Seriously. It’s a shame you think it’s not enough.
mine is 9 months and we mostly just hang out with his toys, cuddle and roll around on the floor and go to the odd music class. There’s certainly no teaching of words from flash cards! He does get a story before bed though.

I’m sorry but I can never justify sleep training. People think it doesn’t do any harm but there’s plenty of evidence to show that it does. Anybody that I described as ‘military’ when it came to ignoring my baby (because that’s what it is, let’s not sugarcoat it) would not be advising me anymore!
im not saying any of that to offend you, but your baby is 7 months old..
like other posters have pointed out if he’s falling asleep on other people then he must be feeling shattered! It sounds like youre missing his signs and cues of needing a nap?

if you can afford to could you hire a cleaner to take the pressure off doing the chores? Could you set aside on or two evenings a week to do the chores so the rest of the week you can just chill aside from the essential chores?

As a Speech and Language Therapist I need to reassure you that your baby does not need flash cards to learn words.

Spend the time you'd be doing that singing to him, doing nursery rhymes, blowing bubbles, reading a book to him, looking out of the window and talking about what you see.

All much more meaningful, enjoyable and "natural" language learning opportunities than flash cards.

Just to add to my post, it sounds like you're giving him loads of rich play and language learning opportunities already, from what you've described.