Nothing is good enough

[MissM94]

Absolutely nothing is good enough for my month old baby & he's making me hate motherhood. He won't be put down, he hates his mat, he hates his chair, he hates being in the car & has just started to hate his pram.. the only way he's satisfied is if he's on us. Im currently awake drinking a coffee because im going to be awake for the next 3 hours because despite him being flat out on me, the minute I put him in his bed he's wide awake crying. I feed and re settle him and again he's wide awake crying in his bed, it's fucking draining. I'm the only person out of my friends that's stuck with a baby that cries at everything. It's beyond shit

It sounds like he's still in the fourth trimester. My baby was like this so I held and cuddled him and told myself he's never going to be a baby again. It's hell but it's short lived what helped me was putting a mattress on the floor and sleeping with him on my chest.

Sending sympathy op, it's bloody hard.

@oneforsorrow1 thank you 💕 honestly I'm having such a hard time 😩 being a mum is all I've ever wanted and he's absolutely ruining the experience for me, he's the complete opposite of what I was expecting and no-one ever told me it would be this hard, I really can't have a second child and go through this again it's absolutely relentless

I had a baby like that and it’s hard. It doesn’t last forever.

If he only likes being on you then try a sling. I used a sling constantly with my second child because she didn’t like being put down. I used to wear her around the house, out shopping, cleaning. Eventually she got bigger and started to have short periods sitting in a jumparoo or high chair.

I'm 18m in, and was exactly the same! It changed for me at about 8 weeks, although I know this changes for some.

Honestly, what is happening to you is NORMAL!! Your friends are either lucky and few and far between, or they are flat out lying. Everyone paints this lovely picture and it's not the case. We're ALL in the same boat. Babies go through different phases so even those "lucky" with amazing newborns will have a shitty phase at some point!

The newborn phase was the toughest bit so far for me, and it does just get better. I am absolutely loving it now. Your baby grows and interacts with you, you manage to get them down. Sleep improves which is a huge part. My baby was attached to me too. He was restless because he had reflex, though we didn't know this until 8 weeks and that's when it improved. Looks out for signs that something could be "wrong." Try and steal a second for some selfcare. I HATED that start, and I look back now and wish I soaked it in a little more cos it really does fly by.

Also follow some "mum" Instagram accounts if you have it.. honest ones!! These helped me in my hours of need when both me and baby were crying. Lol. Ones like Kate Lawler who suffered PND and says how she felt initially having a baby was a mistake.

Your in the fourth trimester now and babies are super clingy. It is rocket science trying to get them down, and all mums I know have the same battle. We're in the same boat but for some reason don't talk about it (why I don't know!!) try heating up the Moses basket a little with a hot water bottle so the sheet is warm (not hot obviously, put your hand on it). If you're BFeeding put a Muslin in your bra and then down with baby when you can supervise them so they don't pull over your face. This has your scent on it. I didn't do it but some swear by swaddling.

I hated when people said this to me, and I hate myself for saying it to you now but it's true. It gets better! I honestly promise Xx

PS don't be afraid to speak to your HV or dr, especially if it's impacting your bond xx

I completely empathise with you! My first (now a lovely 7 year old I've just dropped off at school!) Was exactly like this. I was absolutely terrified of falling asleep holding her and used to sit awake in an uncomfortable chair holding her all night while she slept playing crosswords on my phone to stay awake, it was brutal! DH used to get up at 5 and hold her for 3 hours so I could get some sleep before he went to work (he needed the sleep for work hence why I did most of the nights). I felt like I'd been hit by a bus, just completely wrecked. Everyone says it but it DOES get better, I promise. Even a 30 minute nap they manage alone is a huge step forward.

I now have 2 more lovely little people and refused to be terrified by this happening again. I accepted they only wanted to be with me in those early months, and let them nap on me as much as they wanted, the housework didn't happen, but so what. Everyone was fed, washed and had clean clothes, everything else just had to happen when I had a spare moment. I also researched safe co-sleeping and co-slept with both of them, my husband slept in the spare room for the first few months. It made an enormous difference to me, my mental and physical health, and crucially, I enjoyed tue tiny baby weeks with them much, much more. Co-sleeping is not for everyone, but do consider it, it was a life saver for me. Just make sure you follow safe guidelines. Co-sleeping cribs are another good option.

Stick with it, it WILL get better, I promise. Sending unmumsnetty hugs!

OP, take a breath. Take some really slow breaths.
sounds like you are extremely tired and exhausted and frustrated. It’s understandable.
Please believe me when I say your babies behaviour is completely and utterly normal for a newborn.
Babies have an instinct not to be left because being left alone means danger at a very basic primal level of survival. He needs you and only you. Not a mat or a bed or a chair or anything else. It is draining. It’s beyond draining at 4 weeks I found to be the absolute worst time.
The new baby novelty has well and truly worn off, exhaustion sets in, you have a huge huge adjustment to your life as it was before.
Honestly take it from someone who has had 3 babies. IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER.
The first jump to being better is 6-7 weeks. The second and major one is at 12-13 weeks.
You will love being a mum. It will be everything you hoped and way way more. Just take it one day at a time, get as much help as you can to get some rest. Don’t expect too much of yourself or your baby. Everything else for the next few weeks can wait. Just hold you baby, get a sling, look into safe co sleeping if you are not getting much rest as this is what saved me from baby 2 onwards.
Get your partner or family member to take him whilst you rest or eat or wash.
I promise it does get better, you are doing a great job, just hang in there and take it one day at a time.
oh and don’t compare to others. Every baby is different and they may have other difficulties down the line.

Oh and I second a co sleeping crib attached to the bed. Absolute game changer

@LovelyBranches I've tried our sling 3 times and surprise surprise - he hates it 😂😂😩

@Silverswirl couldn't agree with all of this more. Swore I wouldn't have another as I really struggled through the first 8 weeks.

Little one is 18m now and I really want to start
Trying for baby number 2. I think as a FTM you just can't imagine it all, and it's tough to deal with. You will come out the other side though @MissM94 x

@WelshMammy2 my best friend had 2 perfect babies & likes to tell me that my baby won't sleep in his bed because he's got "too attached" to me 💀 I honestly thought the 2-3 stage would be the hardest for me and that I'd absolutely love the newborn stage but I absolutely hate it, I feel like I'm not the person I thought I was because I thought I could deal with lack of sleep and could soak up all the time spent with him and cuddles but it just makes me resent him and being his mum. It is so hard, I wish I could go back to work and someone else could get him through these next few weeks because I honestly can't be arsed with it. It doesn't affect my bond, I have a good day with him today despite not even being able to brush my teeth or have a wee without him in my arms and I couldn't love him anymore and I just want to kiss him all day, but when it gets to night time and I've had 9 hours of him on me all day until dp gets home, to then have to sit up with him all night, it's just abit fucking much. Thank you for your words of wisdom though.. I'll trust you that it gets easier haha xx

My first was a dream
My second seemed to follow suit and then I’ve no idea what happened…colic around 3-6 weeks and exactly as you mention then week 8 slept through for 2 nights…now 10 months…it took me 4 hours to get baba to sleep tonight and in our bed so yet again I’m left with a whole 8 inches of mattress. Just started sleep training (chair method) up to night 5 baba did amazing cue hell for nights 6-8 (current) and waking every 90 mins through the night for feeds….I’m sure this one is broken and with no warranty to claim on 🤣

im hoping you have it tough now but at 6 months your mates a pulling their hair out with regressions whilst yours is regularly sleeping through 🌷
you’ve got this mama…try and enjoy baba as that newborn stage passes so fast it’s over in a breeze…nap with him in afternoon if you can

@canihaveacoffeeplease thank you, 🥺 we have a next to me crib but he won't sleep in it so using a Moses basket inside it atm which he is rapidly outgrowing so we're going to try getting him in his crib this weekend when dp is off work as it's going to be very tiresome, last time we tried it he was awake every hour 😭

Sending you hugs, handholds , cuddles and good wishes because I remember those days when I would have done anything for a decent sleep. Your wee darling doesn't hate everything, there's just nothing he loves as much as you. I know it seems endless now but you will get through these next few weeks and he will get used to all the new sensations around him and you will settle into your own rhythm. Be patient with him and yourself 💐 🍼

@Silverswirl thank you 🥹 tbh I don't have family members jumping at the chance to help me, just to come round and hold the baby for their own sakes not mine, no-one offers any help and I'm definitely not begging anyone. I had a lovely pregnancy until the last trimester when I got very uncomfortable but I've just grown so in love with him throughout it all and him being here I still have to pinch myself that I made something so perfect but it's just such hard work & when it's bad I just find it so hard to see past the bad & absolutely hate being a mum, which is awful because it's all I've ever wanted 😩

@MissM94 honestly, that word for word is how I felt 😂 I actually wouldn't change any of what you said - I felt EXACTLY the same.

There genuinely is nothing you can do which I know isn't helpful IN THE SLIGHEST! Your little one is so teeny tiny and has been with you for 9 months. Then suddenly in this huge world and your his home, and he wants to make sure your close. As he grows he will get more used to it. Your friend is talking sh*t (sorry lol) your baby isn't too attached. Your baby is your tiny newborn who needs and wants his Mama. Again all really useless info when all you want it sleep!

I thought I could deal with the tiredness too as I had obviously been tired before. But I hadn't had broken sleep consistently for two months before, or gone through a 3 day labour and not had time to recover and recoup. The tiredness is what makes it soooo hard, and like you said that's what is killing you right now - the nights. They get so much much. Your baby will stretch 3-4hrs alone and initially that will seem huge and you'll feel like a new woman ☺️

I coslept when it was horrendous to get sleep. At 18m now I don't, but I didn't use it when I needed to and some bad sleep periods later on like teething. I also give a dummy at about 6 weeks which helped loads! Sending you love honestly. It's a shit and amazing time all at once x

@00kitty apparently peoples firsts are a dream, the second are awful but clearly mines the wrong way round 😂😂 it's enough to make me never want sex again just for the pure chance that I could have another devil child 😂😂 thank you x

@tkwal thank you 🥺 I really do try to understand how awful it must be for him to be so new in this big world but I just wish he would just give me a little break every now and again

@WelshMammy2 I know 😩 I just find it so hard to see the good when I have a bad night with him! Omg yeah, dp let me sleep the night we come home from the hospital so I got a solid 8 hours but there's been nothing since, on his 3 weeks paternity leave you think he would of given me a couple of nights off night feeds to rest up and give my body chance to re coup after losing nearly 2 litres of blood 😂 not a chance. Thank you, you're really helping me xx

I’m sorry, this stage is hard. My daughter was the exact same. Around 12 weeks she started to sleep in the pram and a few weeks later started to go in her crib. You just have to remember that it won’t last long.

Awww OP. You sound at the end of your tether and rightly so. It's not just your baby that is here, motherhood is hard full stop. Also, kindly, your baby isn't ruining it for you. You are just experiencing what is completely normal and no-one really talks about, that sometimes it's all just a bit relentless and shit.

I longed to be a mum and after several long years of infertility and IVF treatment I am lucky to have two kids who I find so, so incredibly difficult. No one told me it was this hard! I don't deal with sleep deprivation well and, like you, it just isn't how I expected it to be.

I'm trying to be the mother my children need, not the mother I pictured in my head. If that makes sense?

I promise you it will get better.

Co-sleeping saved my life and remains the best thing I ever did for my children.

And your best friend and her perfect kids can go and do one. I'm certain she's lying to you about them being perfect, she is definitely only telling you the highlights.

Cuddling and comforting your baby when they won't settle anywhere else but on you? OP, you are absolutely SMASHING it.

@MissM94 my first was a horrible baby for 3 years . He never slept. Didn't eat. Just screamed. Be he is awesome now. Was the longest first year ever, and didn't think it would improve but he is amazing now. Then had a second kid and he didn't cry or throw up and I was amazed, what other parents had with their first baby so don't compare.

Realistically accept you could have a terrible baby like I did but will be worth it in time x

Hi Op, I have tied our DD in my dressing gown in the night when she was sleeping on me so we both slept safely. Daytime I have zipped her up in my husbands hoody for naps.

You DS is not bad, he is just a baby. You need to shower and eat so ask for help, put your pride on the side.

It won't last forever, I promise Xx

being a mum is all I've ever wanted and he's absolutely ruining the experience for me, he's the complete opposite of what I was expecting

There's your problem! I expected it to be bloody awful but worth it. And it wasn't quite as bad as I thought. I genuinely believe that women who long for motherhood have a much harder time.

The most important thing to learn is parent the child you have. Not the imaginary child you made up. You got a Klingon. That's what you got. BTW your friend sounds like a knob.

@MrsTerryPratchett yep! You can't plan a baby. But the hard stage doesn't last forever . Then they'r teenagers very very fast 😫

Ah darling. I’m so sorry it’s so hard. Mine was exactly like this. Hated everything (breastfeeding, sleep, being still, being put down, the pram, the car seat, the sling, the baby massage class I left in floods of tears…) the only thing he vaguely liked was being carried around, upright in my arms.

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here and say, although this is normal in the sense there is nothing wrong with your baby, I don’t think it’s common. Most babies have their quirks, but to have a baby who won’t tolerate anything, at all, certainly wasn’t an experience I saw being repeated a lot around me. It’s okay to feel unlucky and like the experience was not what you were expecting. It’s okay to feel robbed of your newborn experience. Mumsnet is the worst place for making you feel like your a failure if you are not at coffee shops or museums, living your best life, with a newborn.

As @MrsTerryPratchett says though, you have to parent the child you have. In my experience, it gets better. My DS is now an incredibly easy 2 year old who sleeps well, eats well and laughs all day. Newborn days were simply survival and thankfully, in the grand scheme of having a child, it’s actually very short. Have you read about high needs babies?