Nothing is good enough

[MissM94]

Absolutely nothing is good enough for my month old baby & he's making me hate motherhood. He won't be put down, he hates his mat, he hates his chair, he hates being in the car & has just started to hate his pram.. the only way he's satisfied is if he's on us. Im currently awake drinking a coffee because im going to be awake for the next 3 hours because despite him being flat out on me, the minute I put him in his bed he's wide awake crying. I feed and re settle him and again he's wide awake crying in his bed, it's fucking draining. I'm the only person out of my friends that's stuck with a baby that cries at everything. It's beyond shit

I'm so sorry. It's shit, tiny babies are shit. They don't sleep, and lack of sleep is torture. I promise it gets better (but I'm not doing it again).

You need your partner to help you - either he holds the baby while you sleep when he gets in from work, or he gets up at 5 while you sleep until he needs to get ready and go.

Ellie Taylor has a really honest, funny book you will identify with.

@Lostlostlost3 hahaha she can do one! Ahh thank you.. that's the thing, I've had sleep deprivation, I had an abusive boyfriend 4 years ago and he never used to let me sleep, I'd go to work having only slept 2/3 hours a night so you think the sleep deprivation wouldn't be a problem! But cos I've been sleeping well for years it's like my old trauma mind has grown out of being able to survive off little sleep 😂😂

@bozna but why do I have a terrible baby? 😩 why do some people get amazing babies and I'm stuck with the baby that is miserable?! It's just such a long way away, I'm hoping he gets better in a few months, I got rid of my mama roo cos he didn't like it and bought him a new chair and it's just embarrassing how much he hates it, any new thing I get for him or try with him he just hates and it makes me feel like a child, like I'm talking out my arse & don't know what I'm doing and I'm only imagining that he likes anything other than me 😂 he probably doesn't even like his dad

@Angeldelight21 that's very smart! Might have to be something I consider haha thank you xxx

@MrsTerryPratchett honestly, I'm the most pessimistic person ever so I see the bad in everything, and that's why I'm so blind sided because I genuinely couldn't see the bad in being a mum so my expectations must of been sky high! Don't get my wrong I'm obsessed with him and love him so much it hurts and makes me cry how much I love and longed for him, but fuck me it's the hardest thing I've ever done! And I just wasn't prepared for it to be so shit

@AliceW89 yeah, it's definitely not something people tell you about very easily is it haha and when they do talk about it, it's like it's the parents done something wrong. Yeah I read about high needs baby after my rant on Mumsnet and it just made me feel worse. I don't want a high needs baby, I can't live with a baby that is stuck to me, that's why I didn't breast feed.. I mean thank fuck cos he's a hungry boy but can you imagine the absolute state I'd be in if I was breastfeeding aswell?! I'm really hoping it's just the fourth trimester

@TulipsGarden they are shit 😂😂 dp does both of them things tbh, he'll come straight in from work and I clock off and have a shower and tidy up and do the stuff I didn't get chance to do in the day, (I like cleaning/tidying/doing washing it's my release so more than happy to do it before people start accusing my partner of being abusive 😂😂) and he gets up for the 5am feed, goes to work at half 7 so I'm up from then, as is baby, I'll deffo have a look at that book, thank you

Awww. 😔 You don’t hate being a mum- you are only at the very very first steps, you are tired, adjusting to the huge life change and this is honestly a really tough part becuase it’s all work and you don’t get much back from the baby yet. Soon it will be smiles, giggles and interaction. Just hold on it’s coming round the corner!

Honestly, my first was like this, but he gradually got better. I know that you've feeling absolutely knackered, your friend is not being helpful! BTW my DD born 18 months after DS was really easy.

I'm currently painting my 4&3 year olds nails in the garden with a frozen margarita. I promise, it does get better and it does get easier.

Keep doing Mumma! I'm sure you're doing wonderfully.

I definitely agree with PP that you need to lean on your DP more if you can and ask him to hold the baby whenever possible - give him set times eg 6pm-10pm if it helps either of you.

I completely understand how you feel and it DOES get better. One of my DS was a dream baby and I never told anyone because I didn't want to make my friends who were having a tough time feel like you do. As he has got older, he has a lot of issues that make him extremely hard work and he will always have those issues. My friends kids are much much easier than he is and I feel jealous of them sometimes (much as I love my DS).

I also had another very high needs baby (so I DO understand you!). That child is now such a dream, honestly so easy and laid back. You just never know what the future is going to bring. Hang on in there, you CAN get through this very shit time!

@Silverswirl @tedgran @rhowton @Goldfishjones thank you all so much! Im absolutely full of mum guilt today because baby boy has been an absolute dream 😩 he's been in a lovely mood today and so smiley, he woke up from 2 naps smiling! He was smiling away in his pram today while we went shopping and he sat quiet in the car having a good look around 😩 he slept from 1-5am, dp did his 5am feed then I got up with him at half 7 when dp left so I can't complain!

Which sling do you have? Newborns live the stretch wrap slings. So snuggly. It was a game changer for us at 3 weeks. We got shown by a sling consultant how to put one on and she lived in that until she outgrew it

🤣🙈 fingers crossed it just means you’ll have an easy second one (which would be a better way of it working out with a toddler around too!)

I hear my other half whispering to our baby…oh you want a little brother do you, you’ll have to talk to mummy so we can have some sex …not quite sure at what hour of the day he thinks we have time to squeeze that in!

id love a 3rd but think will stop at 2 purely from the housekeeping aspect, if we could afford a housekeeper/cook/cleaner I’d definitely have another 🥰

Pleased to hear baba has been a smiler for you today…sometimes I’m sure they read your minds and when you’ve just about totally had enough and are ready to package them back up and make the return (joke!) they turn a corner 🌷

You can put him down for periods of time no harm will come to him. As long as he is in a safe place take time for a shower and teeth brush and get dressed. You can also do this for short periods through the day to get household stuff done. If you had another child he would have to be put down so don't feel bad about it

Mine was happy to be put down on the floor and did sleep not too terribly in her Moses basket (at night, forget naps) but she HATED HATED HATED all forms of transport - stretchy wrap sling, baby carrier, pram and carseat...for about the first 10-12 weeks. She got resigned to each of them one by one between about 8 and 12 weeks but until then it was brutal because the main way of seeing people and getting out was to take her on walks (with friends from antenatal class whose babies all slept happily in their prams) and that was also one of the only ways of getting her to nap but every walk started with a solid 15 mins of screaming (plus more on the end if she woke up before I got home). Then you go on Mumsnet and everyone tells you how slings saved their sanity in the fourth trimester. It was so draining. But can confirm, it just randomly ended at some point and now she's fine with all of the above and it's all a distant memory.

For my first even that would sound amazing time. He never woke up not screaming. You couldn't pick him up without a bath towel and he was sick so much, then became a toddler and starved himself regularly. For 3 years!

You are definitely me 😂. I’d dreamt of being a mum. Couldn’t wait, my body was desperate for it. Well it couldn’t have been more of a shock. My little boy is nearly 15 weeks and every day has been a STRUGGLE since he was born. Cow’s milk allergy, reflux, literally screaming awake after every nap, hates just sitting on your lap or playing on the mat. Constantly wants to be over your shoulder but you dare not sit down otherwise he screams because he’s bloody nosey and wants to see everything.
It’s absolutely nothing like I imagined and I have cried after every baby class (only managed 4 so far) because everyone else’s babies were breastfeeding (a sore point for me) and cooing away happily on the floor whilst I had to pace round the room or take him outside because he was having another meltdown. It’s hard. Really really hard and honestly I HATE it… but I absolutely love him. He’s just beautiful and when he smiles, it’s absolutely everything.
I definitely have a high needs baby and tbh I only have myself to blame as the apple clearly didn’t fall far from the tree in terms of being demanding.
what I can say is, it does get ever so slightly easier each week and I’ve now started trying to focus on all the good things he does as much as possible. He has amazing head control (because he’s on our shoulders so much 😂), he’s been able to go to sleep by himself since 8-10 weeks old because he hates being restricted by being held (unless over shoulder lol) and although he doesn’t seem interested in toys, I love it as I feel he interacts with me much more and even coos when I point at him and say “Bubby” but doesn’t coo when I point at myself and say mummy. Almost like he knows we’re separate people and he isn’t mummy!
so yeah I don’t have much advice because every day for me is still really hard but try and focus on the positives, you’re not the only one I promise and that if you ever do decide to have a second you’ll find it an absolute doddle. At least that’s what I tell myself!

@Pizzaandsushi my boy was horrendous. Second child was awesome, but also the reason why you feel first baby is so hard.

I went to a baby group with my second and there was a group of new mums, and the actual attack I saw was aweful. Mum bragging baby slept through and was perfect literally making her friends feel like crap, was really shocked, a week later they could teeth or change or anything they're babies, but these mums were not friends

Both of my children were like this and it was hell. I thought my first was bad but then the second was off the charts. OP, your friends probably won’t understand because not all babies are like this. You haven’t done anything wrong and there is nothing wrong with your baby, some of them really do just hate everything and scream all the time.

It gets better. I promise.

Things that helped me:

• Safe co sleeping. Absolute game changer. I spent a fortune on snuzpods, sleepyheads, white noise toys. All rubbish.


• Sling. They hated it to start with but I persisted for short periods until the penny dropped that the sling meant being snuggled into me for hours. Sometimes you need to try a different sling/position.


• Baby bouncer in the bathroom. Yes they screamed while I was brushing my teeth/having a shower but that short period won’t hurt them and it will make you feel so much better when you’re clean. At least with the bouncer in the bathroom they’re right next to you and can hear and see you.


• Keep trying. It’s really easy to give up after a bad experience e.g. if they’ve screamed the whole time you were out. Don’t give up because your world will become really small. Pick easier things to do, or shorter trips and you will start to get small victories. Babies need time to get used to things like prams and car seats and some take longer than others. I remember coming back so many times in tears because of the screaming but eventually they were both ok with the car seat and now they’re excellent travellers.

Your baby isn’t ‘ruining your experience of motherhood’. Motherhood isn’t like that. Some babies are easy and some are very very hard. You get the baby that you get. They don’t care what expectations you have and whether you want to meet friends for coffee, clean the house or go to classes, they just have a desperate, pressing need to be near you. It’s natural and there’s nothing wrong. I know that that doesn’t make it easy and it also doesn’t make it easy when people say that all babies are like that (they aren’t) or you’ve made them too attached (you haven’t). This will pass. You might have a screamer, but that screamer will delight and surprise you in ways that you could never imagine. My youngest was horrific and, at 2 he still is sensitive and clingy, but he is also incredibly funny, bright and engaging. He met all his milestones early and life is so much easier than it was as a newborn.

Adjust your expectations, set small goals and celebrate tiny wins. I promise, this will get better.

It's hard. You're knackered but please know that babies do cry. They don't have words so,it's just that you have a 'chatty' baby who has a strong sense of what he likes.

Now you have to work out how to live with that.

You say he 'hates' things. Try thinking about it differently 'he's getting used to it' and 'he's a bit scared/apprehensive'. Soothe him with gentle words 'it's OK, you'll be fine, mummy loves you, I'm just here' stroke his belly or just out your hand on him. Stay calm, breathe. Be confident. Play some gentle Mozart piano concertos, gently and quietly. They are very soothing for both of you and proven to be positive for babies' brains.

Persevere with the sling. Let him cry in it whilst you get on chores, breezily chatting away and telling him what you are doing 'so now we pop the teabag in the cup and walk to the fridge to get the milk. The milk is cold. Ooh can you feel that? Etc etc' . It brings a kind of calm normality and rhythm to things. Focus away from the crying. Let him cry through it. He's safe. He's loved.

Try swaddling. It's miraculous. Swaddle and hold him at first, then put him down next to you. Again soothing voices, maybe music. What are the nosies he used to hear in utero? Can you replicate any of those (for my first it was Pete Tong dance music 😬, worked a treat for both of us to calm her down ).

If you can bear it, get a trusted friend or fellow parent to take him out in the pram (crying or not) for a pre-agreed amount of time, say mad hour, and get some rest whilst you have peace. You may even manage to nod off for a few minutes.

It's a hard time, but babies cry, and it doesn't harm them, you need to learn to harden yourself a teensy bit more and help your baby to feel safe in the new situations he's exploring right now.

You will get through it.

Oh, and sniff the back of his neck lots as that glorious sensation doesn't last long and is a truly wonderful part of motherhood. ❤️

@bozna that’s awful!! I will never understand why some mums make motherhood into a competition. I wouldn’t in the first place but certainly now with such a demanding baby, I know how crappy you can make yourself feel without others being smug and making you feel even worse. They’re no friends at all!
I always say to my friends now that if they ever have babies I’m your gal to get over if you need help and a break because I can handle anything now after experiencing my little boy 😂

@Zigzagzoozoo I know I’m not the OP but thanks for this. Your reply has really helped me too. It’s not that I’m necessarily glad that others also have demanding babies, as it’s so so hard, but it makes me glad in the way that I don’t feel it’s my fault and mine is the only one like this.
You’ve given me the energy to try the sling again haha. Flipping expensive thing, he used to be fine in but the moment he became more aware of his surroundings and wanted to see everything, BAM he’d scream the second I’d try and get him in but I think if he would calm down he’d actually love it! I know they don’t understand but I keep saying to him but it’s an opportunity for you to still see everything and be way more comfortable without mummy’s arms aching 😂.
I also need to try the bouncer in the bathroom as there have been a lot of times, I don’t shower all day because I’m by myself most of the day trying to do everything for him and keep him calm/happy.
Like you said. It’s about adjusting your expectations, which I’m slowly starting to do and focus on the positives which he has so many of. I need to learn to stop comparing to other babies too and accept the way it is instead of fight it.

@Pizzaandsushi You may find you need a different sling as they get to about 3/4 months. I had to switch from a lovely snuggly close caboo to a lumiere 360 (like an ergo 360) because both of mine just had to see everything that was going on and they couldn’t in the caboo. EBay is great for second hand slings and carriers - I know because I ended up selling mine there for pennies 😂.

@Zigzagzoozoo funny you should say that as we had a close caboo (loved it) and only last week got the Ergo.
I probably haven’t given it enough goes (only once 😂) but wonder if he hasn’t twigged it’s not the same as the old one so doesn’t need to have a meltdown when going in.
When did you start facing yours outwards?
I read on the Ergo website not to outward face until 6 months as apparently they still need the regular comfort of seeing their caregiver and looking outward might be too much stimulation and overwhelming if they’re younger but I don’t think my son gives a toss about looking at my exhausted mug the whole time haha.