Sticking at one?

[Bigfatmomma]

Any parents out there without any intention of having a 2nd child? DH and I adore our 2.5yr old son and have no interest in trying for another child. People seem to think this is at best unnatural and at worst cruel to DS and it makes me a tad cross I can't imagine feeling so strongly about another child as I do about DS and I don't want any more demands on me reducing my time with him. Is that so bad?

Would love to know that we're not alone in being cruel and unnatural parents

I was pretty convinced i didn't want another after dd. THEN when she was 3+ i started thinking, "ooh,,,,, should i?", now am pregnant with number 2!!!
Must admit, your fears are the same as mine , I'm TERRIFIED that it will change my relationship with dd first of all and will i feel the same about it and all my free time i've recently discovered will be gone............(lots of worries really!).

Anyway, in regards to your question, i don't think it's bad or cruel, it's up to you. It's your desicion and people moan whatever you do anyway!!!

Why on earth would anyone feel they had a right to comment on your (or anyones) lovely family? I dearly love my ds (also 2.5) but am in the opposite situation! I'm just in the process of telling friends and family that im pg again and have had lots of negative comments - which were also directed at my ds! One old aunt basically said "so DS isn't enough for you, there's nothing wrong with HIM" and "well I'll still love him the best" I am also being accused of being cruel to ds.

This just goes to prove that you will never please everyone so if you and your dh and ds are happy then rejoice in your family and forget the comments.

northstar, i REALLY hope these insensitive comments weren't made infront of your son!!

lots of past threads about this see
here

and

here

Hello! I have always sworn I would never have an only child as I was one myself for 13 years and it was horrible. All i ever wanted was a brother or sister. It was incredibly lonely sometimes - even though mum and dad were always there. However! I became pregnant when dd was about to turn 2 and I hated it! I had no maternal feelings really until ds was born because I couldnt think that I could love him like i did dd and i resented the fact that he would take my time and love from dd. In fact the complete opposite happened. Giving dd her Brother was probably the best thing we ever did for her - she loves him to bits and they are already incredibly close and there is more than enough love for both of them

Hey Zcat thats the best post - thanx

We're sticking with one and so are quite a few of my friends. Do what you and your DH want and forget everyone else, it's your lives and if one's enough, then one's enough. How can it be cruel to your DS? He's got loving parents who adore him, whats cruel about that? Just because others think it's great having two or more doesn't mean we all will. Go with your gut instinct and tell everyone else to mind their own business!

Nasa, thanks for the links. I'm new to mumsnet and don't know my way round yet! Was really good to see how many others feel the same as DH and me.

Also good to know that I'm not alone in fearing a recurrence of the dreaded PND.

One aspect that really makes me mad is that some people assume we don't want another in case s/he also has a cleft lip + palate - grrrrrr! It's only a cleft, for crying out loud - not life threatening, crippling or making him ill.

Thanks for the comments.

bigfatmomma - I have just started a similar conversation in the parenting section - sorry I didn't realise there was one already ! If interested follow my thread which begins with "only child"...
My DH and I have decided to stick to the one. We have a 5 month old DS, but made the decision even before he was born. I was never a fan of big families (my sister has 3 and although I appreciate that all families are different, I don't really fancy going through what she has been through). I have already had similar negative comments and many raised eyebrows - but I at the end of the day it's your child and your family and you do what is best for you. So far I have heard lots of comments about my decision to stay at home and breastfeed my baby for a year, different methods of getting him to sleep, etc, etc, To be honest I listen to many opinions (including many excellent suggestions from mumsnet members ), but my DH and I make up our own minds about everything.

Will definitely just have the one DD. Found that comments peaked between 18 months and 2.5y, but have dropped off to virtually nil now she's 3.5y.

why do people always feel the need to comment on something as personal as your choice of how many children to have:

1 - lonely child
2 if DD's you'll be wanting a boy next and vice versa
if DD and DS well thats you finished then
3 must have been a little accident
4 are you mad?

relatives think I'm mad for saying I want 3 babies regardless of their sex

I thought I might not have another for similar reasons to you (plus the fact that one child is a lot easier to integrate in your nice life, it's harder to work, to have time for your partner etc and ds already has a sibling as my dh has a daughter from his previous relationship) - However, my feelings changed when he was two, and I really wanted another child for me - just suddenly felt a real desire for another one - also, when I envisaged Christmasses and holidays in the future I always envisaged more than one child and I know from my stepdaughter than only children can actually be quite demanding because they only have you to play with so instead of watching the kids play/squabble whie you read a book, you are their playmate. Also a couple of friends had a parent die, and found their sibling an absolute rock for them, which struck a chord as dh and I are older parents. But those are my personal reasons, and if I hadn't got pregnant, it would have been OK too. Nobody ever commented either way with me.Yes, I got asked if I wanted another, and was always honest and said, I wasn't at all sure it was a good idea for various reasons, and nobody said anything critical. Maybe I'm just very, very scary!
It's totally up to you of course, and there is no evidence at all that only children suffer in any way. The only thing I would say is that you might change your mind at some point! Hope that doesn't sound patronising - it happened to me.

We're sticking at one - and always planned to before DS was even conceived. I might have waivered when he was about 1.5-2, but am now quite happy that I didn't! We feel like a family - we are a family - we're operating at a balance of time/money that cause tension all round if we stretched it further, we are not driven to have another, and that's all there is to it, really.

You're right sweetkitty! Whatever you have, someone has a comment to make. When I was pg with ds2 my Nan said 'well if you have a girl this time I think you should stop' - what???? She thought I was odd because I'd always wanted 3 and she harped on about how 3 was an odd number to have even though I was one of 3!!! Anyway, then I had ds2 so everyone who knew I wanted 3 thought I was now desperate for a girl - no I wasn't - I was desperate for another healthy baby. And I got one, another boy!

Now I'm umming and ahhing about having a 4th and people think I'm really mad - 'what if you get another boy?' - what if?! If I have another I'll have one cos i want another child, not because I want a girl!

It's totally up to you how many children you want and what suits your circumstances and noone should feel they have the right to pass judgement. However, I've got a couple of friends who are 'only children' and although they say they don't exactly miss siblings because they've never had them, they do say times like Xmas are a bit quiet and boring and were as a child with just Mum, Dad and them. I'd rather have a houseful but that's my personal choice and it's not for everyone!

My mother said well 3's a odd number the middle one will always feel left out to which i replied oh well I'll have to have 4 then!!

When I was visiting everyone who came into her house she just had to tell "she wants 3!" as if it was some sort of disease!

you do what you want to

personally I can't bear the thought of not having another one ... I already have a DS and a DD and I get the 'well that's you finished then' comment then

"oh just feck off" is what I think as I smile at them sweetly

Agree with Twiglett, people always have some comment to make regardless of what you do. There is a 5 1/2yr age gap between my 2. My dh and I dithered and didn't know what to do, until I fell pg accidently. I now have a baby boy who is nearly 1 year old, but although I adore him, it is a lot harder with 2 children than 1, also we live in England and all my family and close friends are in Scotland so we have trouble trying to get baby sitters etc.
I think at the end of the day you have to do what is right for you.

there ar e lots o mners who said no more up till the first kids about5
then they relent
two is much easier - you dont have to play wiht them allt he blinking time

I think its cruel not to

Just realised there are two threads about this! Have posted on the other one too. I have one and thought about leaving it there. I absolutely support your decision not to and get really pissed off when people make out it's selfish or cruel to just have one.

I've actually decided to try for another partly because I worry about who she will turn to when I'm no longer here! Sounds morbid but I lost my dad when he was quite young and it made me very aware of my own mortality. I don't think I could have coped without the support of my two sisters. They were the only people who knew exactly what I was going through, even though my dh was lovely too.

However, I envy you a bit for sticking by the decision to have just one. I love my career and I know that having two children will inevitably mean me really having to downsize it at some point. At the moment me and dh work full time and have a nanny. DD is 14 months old and I love her dearly but I'm far more knackered after the weekend than I am after the week! Also, now I get to sleep for full nights at a time I dread the thought of having a baby again. (Not to mention going through labour again)

Codswallop, maybe some of us actually like playing with our children.

It's cruel to have more children simply to avoid spending time with the one you already have.

Well, Bigfatmamma - there you have it - no you're not alone in being 'cruel and unnatural parents', but people couldn't resist popping up to say that they DO think it's cruel, or give the reasons (however nicely) that they think children are better off with siblings.

The 'other' thread was asking for pros and cons - this one was simply asking for others in the same situation.

No wonder you were looking for support - that's what we get in the real world, isn't it?

Onetrickmummy, sorry if I've taken your post the wrong way, but I read your last comment as a bit of a dig about only children not having siblings for support? It's a fair comment, of course.

But siblings don't always turn to each other for support. The only person other than DH that I've been able to talk to about PND is my oldest friend - not my sister.

It's been interesting to see the arguments for having more than one and many of them give me pause for thought, although my gut feelings remain the same.

Main reason for me is very, very selfish regarding my appearance really just don't want to go through another pregnancy and childbirth and am probably very vain but that's me. More importantly though I cannot logically think how I could bring up another child as I have no support here apart from DH who to be fair is not capable of helping very much due to his work. And quite frankly I don't want the headache of having another child. And I love DD so much and enjoy spending time with her one to one that I don't want to spoil that either.
All in all one child is quite enough for me thank you very much.
I ahve siblings and they are my best friends and am very aware dd won't have that experience. On the other hand I have a lot of girlfriend who are only child and have grown into wonderful individuals without missing having brothers or sisters. Both my parents didn't have any siblings either and they are great too. So I'm thinking she'll be fine if you consider that she won't miss what she doesn't have any experience of.

I have to say though, that I enjoy seing other children from the same family interacting together, it's wonderful.
but I made my choice and it suits me for now.

Of coure, I get asked nearly every day "When will you have another one?" and it pisses me off but that's how people are.

Oh, and I rememebred seing my GP about something a while back and she said to me 'Wait until your family is complete and then we'll consider the procedure". How insensitive is that?!