Starting nursery

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Hi,

My 3 years old starts nursery in August and I'm wondering what kind of support the children get at that age as he's still not eating by himself, not dressing or being able to put his shoes on and he's not potty trained.

Thanks

They will fully support him while trying to show and encourage him to help himself, he won't just be left to his own devices

Does he have additional needs? Potty training is probably fine, but not being able to feed or dress himself at 3 would be unusual for the average child. Can you work on these things before August?

I think the ratio for 3yr olds is 1 to 8, so while nursery will of course support him to the best of their abilities, they may struggle to meet his needs if he is as helpless as you describe. If there is some form of SEN or developmental delay at play, you should be able to access additional help. Talk to your HV as soon as possible about this as waiting lists etc can be huge.

There will be support but obviously there's several children to look after at once. Any additional needs? I'd definitely be working on skills in the few weeks before he starts - eating using a spoon and fork, putting shoes and wellies on and off, putting coat on (Google flip trick, my 4yo loves this).

Does he have additional needs?
if not, you need to work on those things between now and August. Not dressing or doing shoes I think will be expected but not being able to feed himself or use the toilet may be more of a problem.

I've never met a 3 year old who can't feed themselves. They may have a policy on potty training so worth asking and maybe having a crack at it over the summer?

Two months is a long time to a child. Start now and you can work towards getting him to be more independent.

Do you think there are additional needs? Is it a case of can't do these things or won't?

Depends on the nursery tbh. School nurseries are notoriously funny about potty training. A day nursery will be more forgiving. My DD went to a school nursery and they’d help with accidents but did expect them to go to the toilet independently.

What do you mean by not eating by himself? It’s normal to need help cutting up food or opening packets but if you mean that he can’t actually feed himself even if it’s a bit messy then I’d seek medical advice about the possibility of additional needs and go from there.

I disagree that "most" 3 year olds can dress themselves. Put on a t shirt or leggings maybe, but they wouldn't be able to socks, shoes, buttons, zips etc at that age. My daughter is 5 and quite often gets her pants on backwards or can't get her socks/tights on 🤣

Toilet training should not be an issue, but if he is already 3 it might be a good time to give it a go in the next few months in preparation.

They would cut up food or help with opening packed lunch items, but I think you would expect a 3 year old to use a fork or spoon to feed themselves.

I disagree that "most" 3 year olds can dress themselves. Put on a t shirt or leggings maybe, but they wouldn't be able to socks, shoes, buttons, zips etc at that age. My daughter is 5 and quite often gets her pants on backwards or can't get her socks/tights on 🤣

@DockOTheBay Really? By 2 the vast majority of DDs friends could put their own shoes and socks on! Buttons are tricky, but who puts toddlers in clothes with buttons on anyway? I'd be a bit concerned by a 5yr old who couldn't put her own socks on, are there issues with other fine motor skills?

🙄 no, she's fine

Maybe it's a concentration thing then. I'm sure she'll master it soon.

As others have said, nursery will help where they can, but it does seem quite unusual that your child has none of these skills yet unless there are additional needs to consider?

When you say he can't feed himself, do you mean with cutlery? My 3YO can't use a knife very well yet for example, but can eat well with a fork and spoon or with his hands.

Potty training will really depend on the nursery. They can't legally turn him away for not being trained, but they are likely to strongly encourage you to start by that age unless there are other factors to consider. Have you actually attempted it so far?

The dressing is more to be expected. A lot of children of that age will still struggle to a greater or lesser extent with dressing, but you have lots of time between now and August to practice. There's lots of information available online with tips and tricks for making it fun for them (and as easy as possible for you).

Nursery will support and encourage your child to gain independence. Children often learn willingly from their peers and their friends are keen to help each other too.

You've 3 months until they start though, and it's amazing what a child can learn in such a short space of time. Don't stress yourself trying to perfect any skill, but use this time to lay the foundations and start encouraging the potty.

Also, buy (or get from freeecycle) a cheap, simple nursery "uniform" without complicated fastenings. A few pairs of joggers, sweatshirts, T-shirts. Most 3 year olds can dress themselves in pull on clothing. Save buttons/zips etc for junior school age. Likewise get some shoes that do up with Velcro rather than laces.

Can your little one manage finger foods? That's the best first step to feeding. Once they've mastered that encourage them to spear some foods on a fork and move on from there to sloppier stuff.

I think fully dressing himself is fair enough, it took my daughter a bit of time and she still struggles to take her T-shirt off at 4 but they definitely need to be able to put wellies and coat on at least. You have plenty time to teach him and master that as long as no additional needs!

He absolutely does need to feed himself! In what way can he not feed himself, like can't chop up his food or can't even scoop food with a spoon? Finger food?

Potty training, that's fine the Nursery would likely help with that but there's plenty time over the summer holidays to at least try!

Hi, thank you for all your advice. He is a very smart child but very lazy on the practical stuff. I've noticed sometimes children pick more on the practicalities of life because there is no other stimulation in their environment, but he has plenty. Everywhere you look is something for him to do. I believe he'll get there with all of the practical stuff either by copying other children or by the natural way of things.

This is an incredibly odd thing to say - children don't fail to gain practical skills because they're provided with other activities, they fail to gain practical skills because their parents don't give them any opportunities to learn. Overstimulation isn't good for children - kids who never get a chance to be bored grow up into little nightmares.

Nicely, it is not nursery's job to parent your child. You should be taking responsibility for making sure he has basic life skills, that is your duty as a parent.

Can you elaborate about the children learning the practicalities of life and no stimulation in the environment?

Do you mean he still needs spoon fed at the age of 3? Kids' abilities do differ but I think it's extremely unusual for a presumably NT 3yo to be unable to feed themselves or dress themselves at least in a limited fashion.

DD is 3 and can put most of her clothes on herself, sometimes needs help with things being back to front but can get her own wellies and coat on and stuff too.

I don't think it's anything to do with stimulation ! Have you been encouraging him to do these things and showing him how?

By 2?! My DD is extremely intelligent and independent (4) (not just me who says it - is going to a highly selective Indy come sept) but was not doing this by 2. Come on love!

OP, I would concentrate on the potty training. They would prefer you to have that done by 3 IMO

It is odd that your 3 year old can't feed himself :/

He should be perfectly capable of using cutlery, and even having an attempt at cutting food up.

Also bizarre that he can't get dressed himself, he should be able to out a coat on etc

Is it a daycare nursery or a school nursery? Because I think it will make a difference. For example a school nursery won't have nappy changing facilities (but staff will help the child change if they have an accident).
Food - will it be a packed lunch? Or could it be? You don't need to know how to use cutlery if it's a sandwich, some fruit, pieces of cheese etc because that's finger food really.
Dressing - they will help. Often they do getting coats/shoes on an off as a bit of a game. Don't put your child in laces or buckles. Velcro shoes or plimsolls will make life easier.
But you do really need to get your child doing those things between now and August.

Not sure if this is a joke but children don't learn this stuff by osmosis... you have to teach them to get dressed, toilet train etc. You have plenty of time until August at 3 with no additional needs he is more than ready. Get some books to read to him and practice practice practice.

3 years old is preschool. At my daughters preschool they are all out of nappies, they sit down to eat by themselves, put their own coats on etc. You are doing him a disservice not preparing him.

Yes by 2! I don't think it's that unusual at all, they were all doing it at DDs nursery. And we made a concerted effort to make sure DD could get dressed by herself because her baby sister arrived when she was 2 and a bit, so we needed her to be a bit more independent. The vast majority of DDs peers have similar sibling age gaps and similar ability levels, this isn't me claiming to have a precocious child, this is the norm in my social circle.

I think what she means is that children who can dress and feed themselves have learnt to do so through sheer boredom and desperation for entertainment as they have no stimulation provided for them by their (neglectful) parents.

Unlike her child, who is incapable of very basic tasks, because she (an excellent parent) has made sure that he has never had a spare moment to waste worrying about trivial things like self care, so carefully curated is his home environment.

Tongue firmly in cheek, gin has been had.

I think your child probably can't do these thing because you do them for him. The nursery staff will encourage him to help himself which is what you should be doing and the staff will not thank you for making your child so needy because their job is so much harder