Single, 3 kids, full time midwife. Help!

[LouAnn86]

So I could really do with advice.
as the subject states, I am a single mum of 3 (16,12,7). I work as a midwife and have a very bad relationship with a toxic ex husband.
A bit of a background. Marriage ended due to his infidelity. He is now engaged to said woman and they have one child. The relationship was filled with emotional abuse which I did not recognise until we were separated and I was in counselling. I have frequent emails from him ranging from telling me what a bad mum I am for late bedtimes, having my parents doing the kids school pick ups when I’m on shift. Occasionally they stay up and wait for me (I get home around 9pm). To food choices, clothes, decisions around sickness and absence from school (my daughter also has cerebral palsy and occasionally suffers with severe leg cramps after physio). To even more. I’m struggling with that. It is constant and wearing me down.
The boys (16 and 12) also refuse to help at home. Their attitudes are bad, but I remember being a tween and teenager - I was also difficult 🙄 But me expecting simple chores to help out isn’t too much surely?
Work has really affected my health. I have epilepsy and recently been diagnosed with ventricular tachycardia - so under stress from that.
The house is always a state. Dog doesn’t get walked daily. I am trapped in a constant cycle of guilt. I thought I was doing ok? Kids are doing ok at college and school. I keep up with my daughters appointments. I manage to get to work. Staffing is causing a bad problem in my trust and we are all stressed and struggling. Management is terrible and offers little support, if any.
I just need help and advice on how I can get back on track and feel motivated.
I love my kids more than life. I wouldn’t change them for the world. I just feel guilty that I’m snappy and due to fatigue, not giving them the childhood they deserve. Money is tight so holidays and days out are at a minimum.
any ideas for juggling. Getting my MH back on track (I’m on higher dose antidepressants), weight loss and just feeling like a better person.
any help and advice is really really welcome. TIA 🙏🏼

That sounds tough op, you have an awful lot going on. I also am a single parent, 4 kids and a paeds nurse. Youngest has asd and adhd it’s pretty full on so I do understand how hard it can be juggling. My 2 older kids are v lazy too it’s frustrating running about trying to be superwoman and your kids won’t help even a bit. I’ve stopped the lifts to gym etc any extras that help them out.

could you reduce your hours? So you’re working less days? Short term until your health and stress levels are sorted? Speak to occ health? Gp? You sound like you’re heading to being burnt out and perhaps heading it off before it hits by taking action now would help you? Sorry I am probably not a lot of help, it’s similar for me trying to find a way out to breathe.hope things improve op you’re doing an amazing job of looking after kids and work with everything else you have to deal with

I don't have any advice unfortunately, but I didn't want to read and leave.
If your children are, mostly happy (no one's happy all the time), healthy, fed and clean, then you need to give yourself a break! You're going amazing! Nearly everyone I know has childcare help from their parents, and they're in a variety of jobs, it's the norm now. You know you're ex is toxic so please don't pay attention to anything he says as it'll be made up to intentionally hurt you, he's not worth your time or concern.
As for your job, thank you! Thank you for all you do! So often the medical professionals are given a bad rap, but all the ones I've ever encountered are over worked, under paid and STILL go above and beyond for their patients. I'm currently pregnant with baby number 3 and without people like you, this would be a very scary time. So sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, thank you! ❤️

You are superwoman !
ignore toxic ex , scan the mail and if it has nothing worth knowing then delete , or just delete
he sounds like a knob

give the teens a few jobs that are theirs alone , so no arguing about who does what , ie one does the bins and hoovers , the other hangs up washing / brings it in , or whatever works for your family
even a 7 yr old can do small jobs
maybe they can all walk the dog

your children are doing fine , in education , so don’t worry about them , you are holding it all together and doing great

Single mum of 3 and nurse here! Ignore your idiot ex is my first piece of advice, his opinion stopped mattering the day he cheated. On the days when you are off shift and the kids are in school/college, spend half of your day getting stuff done and half relaxing. Its the only way I can feel productive and get that much needed me time. My dc are younger so go to bed at reasonable time but with older ones I assume they all occupy themselves late evening so you can have a hot bath, face mask and watch some feel good TV. Take time for yourself where you can! Id also be hitting the kids where it hurts when they won't help out - the WiFi. Off it goes until bedrooms are clean/pots washed etc.

Thank you for your reply. So I did cut down my hours but due to money I am having to do overtime now. My son also has ADHD (12yr old). But it’s manageable and we’ve learnt how to do deal with it. The GP has been utterly useless and asks me what I want. I say I don’t know, advice, help! I don’t know the answers so please help me. She said she doesn’t have a magic wand and to self refer to talking therapies. This has not helped me really.
12yr old plays football twice a week. We alternate weekends which helps a lot. But I do feel resentful when I’m driving him around. Supporting him. Sitting there making him do his homework and helping him as well.
said I was going to cancel their phones as the deal when I got them, was for their jobs to be done with no question and especially and no attitude.
it’s just never ending stress isn’t it. I know there is no magic wand. I just need a to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to enjoy them as kids as I know they’ll be grown soon

Thank you. That made me cry. I feel more supported by the public than my family 🤣 How sad is that!

Someone mentioned changing the Wi-Fi password daily and giving it when jobs are done. I have just checked my phone contract too and I can pause their data. I think I’m going to have to go down the moaning mum route. Although is it moaning mum? Or just being a responsible parent. I know for sure they are spoilt. I think I’ve tried to compensate for the split as it affected them badly. But I don’t want to raise brats

My daughter has cerebral palsy so struggles with the right side of her body. It’s only mild and recently diagnosed. She had an mri due to a turn in her right eye and her foot is turned into the right and she walks on her tiptoes. MRI showed she had a bleed on the brain, probably at birth (7weeks premature). I want to give her some responsibility but not sure what?

Wow!
I cannot imagine how you do it.
I am a single parent to two children, without any extra health needs. I work part time and I feel overwhelmed. You are honestly amazing!

I am sorry to hear you are also dealing with crap from your ex. What a load of bullshit.
Really if you understand his emotional abuse during the relationship, you must know that this is a continuation of that. However, no, he doesn't get to do that to you any more. All privileges were lost when he left.
I would be telling him that if he cannot be supportive and civil you will block emails untill he grows up. I would put him in time out every time he spouts this crap by simply not communicating until he backs off.

The boys are more than old enough to understand mom works very hard and it's part of being a family to muck in.
I would be very clear exactly what is expected in terms of chores and then be brutal about loss of WiFi if they continue to disrespect your boundaries.

Take care of yourself, work out what matters the most to you and work it in where you can. Small steps rather than expecting instant perfection.

Again, I really do think you are carrying a massive load and you should be very, very proud of yourself.

Received this. Baring in mind I asked him to buy my son school shoes in Jan, which he said yes. The trainers are airforces in black which can be used as trainers as well, saves money in the long run. And I worked an extra short shift to pay for them. He actually told my son I only bought these for him to make him want to stay with me more. AITA for buying them? Should I have checked? I just don’t know anymore

Thank you! I was proud until this got worse. It’s always been bad but maybe with my health and work being bad, I’m just taking it more personally. We split up 5 years ago and have tried to no contact. It’s fine for a while, then I will have done something wrong which apparently warrants a telling off.
I’ve just read through my posts and it seems I have just poured out a load of moaning. I really apologise: especially if anyone is triggered by this.

No. You should not have to check which trainers your ex thinks you should buy your son. Nope.

Maybe I missed it how much does your ex have the children?

Thank you! I will try some positive affirmations of I WILL TELL MY EX ITS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS

We are 60/40 now. My sons sometimes have extra nights there if they want to. I try and be flexible but stick to set days. My daughter tends to stay with me more out of her choice. We did have a lot of blackmail and coercion to make them stay with him more as he said he couldn’t afford to pay the maintenance. We’re incredibly lucky that he is interested in having the children and looks after them (well his fiancé does a lot).

He knows it's none of his business, he even states it at the end.
What he is really doing is poking at you as for some reason it makes him feel good.
I would totally grey rock him, unless the email is positively courteous it should not get a response.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries OP, have them and hold them!

Well, his loss - you sound like super woman to me! You are clearly doing an incredible job with your kids and job!

I have tried that before. Then we end up getting on for a while, until I mess up 🙄 There is a hell of a lot more that’s happened with him and it messed me up for a long time. Still now I suppose I struggle with what’s happened. There was never any physical abuse. But I always remember the words

Wow. His message is absolutely out order. I think your response depends on how much he has them. E.g. if he can take them to the dentist then you could tell them to take them himself. But if he only has them on a Saturday you could tell him to jog on.

Also, definitely not up to you to tell him about every day she has off school. He can get stats from school about that.

how you spend your own money is none of his business. You’re doing brilliantly to cope with everything. Maybe talking therapy might help you to manage your ex and reduce some stress for you that way?

goodness me😱 even reading that made me exhausted😱 I have 1 child & work part-time & struggle sometimes- whenever I feel so overwhelmed, I will think of your post & be right back down to earth!

Is there anything financial that you could cut down on to enable you to not do as much O/T that would give you more time? Have at look at outgoings to see where/if you could cut down. I just think you need more time & definitely be a bit stricter & ask for more help with your children, tell them you need their help & they just have to suck it up?

fingers in ears & lalalala to your ex to, pigeon Manager or what🙄

This is just an example when I’m leaving at 14 hour shift. Apparently my daughter was refusing to wear clean socks. Mum ended up getting them on her but she must’ve taken them off without anyone realising. I wish I was more patient with replies and not reply so quickly. I envy people with controlled witty responses!

I think you (and the other single mums who posted) are amazing. Just that.

I am definitely going to buck my ideas up and be more assertive. I back down very easy and I thinks the problem. I will try talking therapies again. I’ve just got rid of Disney and Prime. I do order too much on food apps. Mainly because I’m so tired and can’t face cooking. I’m not organised at the moment and maybe that is the problem. I’ve never been one for a schedule, but that’s maybe why my life is a bit of a train wreck!!

Thank you, I feel more like I’m living in Jurassic Park at the moment 🤣

Aghhhh. I don't know how you hold your temper!

No, you do not need to let him know if your daughter is not at school, he can find that out from school.
The sock debacle would have just received a laughing face emoji from me if that.

Op, this man is not your manager.

He is not in charge of you in any way and the high handed way he speaks to you in the message is horrid.