Single, 3 kids, full time midwife. Help!

[LouAnn86]

So I could really do with advice.
as the subject states, I am a single mum of 3 (16,12,7). I work as a midwife and have a very bad relationship with a toxic ex husband.
A bit of a background. Marriage ended due to his infidelity. He is now engaged to said woman and they have one child. The relationship was filled with emotional abuse which I did not recognise until we were separated and I was in counselling. I have frequent emails from him ranging from telling me what a bad mum I am for late bedtimes, having my parents doing the kids school pick ups when I’m on shift. Occasionally they stay up and wait for me (I get home around 9pm). To food choices, clothes, decisions around sickness and absence from school (my daughter also has cerebral palsy and occasionally suffers with severe leg cramps after physio). To even more. I’m struggling with that. It is constant and wearing me down.
The boys (16 and 12) also refuse to help at home. Their attitudes are bad, but I remember being a tween and teenager - I was also difficult 🙄 But me expecting simple chores to help out isn’t too much surely?
Work has really affected my health. I have epilepsy and recently been diagnosed with ventricular tachycardia - so under stress from that.
The house is always a state. Dog doesn’t get walked daily. I am trapped in a constant cycle of guilt. I thought I was doing ok? Kids are doing ok at college and school. I keep up with my daughters appointments. I manage to get to work. Staffing is causing a bad problem in my trust and we are all stressed and struggling. Management is terrible and offers little support, if any.
I just need help and advice on how I can get back on track and feel motivated.
I love my kids more than life. I wouldn’t change them for the world. I just feel guilty that I’m snappy and due to fatigue, not giving them the childhood they deserve. Money is tight so holidays and days out are at a minimum.
any ideas for juggling. Getting my MH back on track (I’m on higher dose antidepressants), weight loss and just feeling like a better person.
any help and advice is really really welcome. TIA 🙏🏼

Ha! He is a manager actually! That’s nothing though. He’s told me off for not changing my name back to my maiden name, as it’s HIS name. I get told I should quit my job as it’s selfish working shifts. Just constant grief

This was another one where I got told off. These aren’t really relevant to the original message, but it just shows the true nature and the way I get spoken to. I need a proper lesson in replying to nastiness

God he's an insufferable prick. Hanging around nitpicking.

Well done to you for being so patient- I know I never was when my ex husband sent me messages like that.
If the school has a system for distributing information to parents about dates etc could he have log in details for that so that he could take responsibility for knowing dates etc himself

Of course the great thing about being ex is that you don't have to take any notice of what he says

God, that was the hardest part of divorcing, I too had a controlling ExH.
I didn’t raise to the bait.
Doesn’t agree with the trainers? Ignored that.
Wants to know about the application? I’m applying, nothing to do with him. Just ignored him.

Wants to know about dentist? I’ll tell him when they actually have an appointment, so he can take them if they’re at his.
In my case, DD was missing school (truancy) when she was with her dad, not me, but on the odd occasion she was poorly, I didn’t text him to say she’s off school, I would have if he was looking after her that day, otherwise no. I ended up in A&E with her once, in the middle of the night. I called him to say she’s poorly, does he want to come? Because I genuinely thought I’d definitely want to be there if my kid was hooked up to giving pumps. He rejected my call, read the text (I thought it didn’t connect, not that the idiot would actually reject a 3 am call). The next day I received this long ranting email, stating that I shouldn’t disturb him at unsocial hours, that he needs his rest, that giving my extensive qualifications I should, by now, be well equipped to deal with a medical emergency without his input. So I thought, well, now I know! DD was the one that told him she’s not going to his that weekend because she’s been poorly and he hit the roof, apparently I’m poisoning her. I didn’t respond.

He is nothing to you. Give him the info required for when the kids are with him, and that’s that.
DD is now a grown up (ish). She has no time or patience for him. She said she learned to manage his behaviour watching how I dealt with him. And he is furious about that.

Stop apologising for existing! The prick has done a right number in you and has hit you in a state where he's 'Boss'. He's not.

stop replying to him at all, let alone apologising.

unless it's life & death - IGNORE

stop believing his bullshit too. Your DD is 7, she took her dicks off, they're not going to take her to an orphanage & put you in the stocks!!

im tired just reading your posts, you must be exhausted.

it's not surprising your boys don't respect you when their father treats you the way he does. He's disgusting.

Ignore him, do your boys get pocket money? I would make some of it conditional on doing chores, my teenager gets extra for weeding, cleaning the car and cleaning the windows, maybe slightly more tricky if your budget is truly stretched. Both boys are old enough to do their own ironing and if they don't then it doesn't get done.

Perhaps he'd like to step up and parent more? No, thought not

That’s another nitpick I get. The clothes not being ironed properly, clothes not fitting properly. I’ve emailed a few times and said to reread the messages before sending. He just doesn’t reply or says I’m making a big deal again. I’m definitely going to try and ignore them. This was a reply I sent before. I was just about to finish work and looked after a woman who had a stillbirth. I was just thinking how this woman has just gone through hell, then there is mr manager ex going on…again. It just doesn’t stop him though

Can you see up a new email address just for your ex? Then you only have to see his shit when you choose to. Or just reply to everything 'great idea, please go ahead and do that' try to keep all replies short or dont reply. A 'ok'or 'no can do' will soon starve off his power over you.

Your dd could pair up socks and fold laundry. That's a easy fun way to start helping out.

Hes your ex for a reason and that's where he belongs now, in the past. Sorry you have to co parent with that

Speak to the children-explain that you all need to make the household work.
Be ruthless in cutting out things that aren't absolutely essential. Assign jobs to the older two. There is no reason the older one couldn't help with meal prep, cooking, washing up etc

I notice your own health problems-take care of yourself.
Is it beneficial financially to do less regular hours but take on bank shifts?

Also remember that while your ex is sitting on his hands "managing" you are doing the very important work of bringing new lives into the world.

Brilliant idea with the email. I’ll do that now. I’m going to type out and save some basic replies in notes 🤣

Only respond or initiate contact if it's something crucial (to you and the children). Ignore the rest. You are not obliged to get into lengthy, pointless explanations and justifications of your actions.

OP just wanted to add that I have been a clinical midwife and know how hard you work. You are doing an amazing job, just with that alone. I also have three children so have a little insight into that (though I have a partner). Please, give yourself credit for the huge amount you are holding together and how well you are doing with that. Really - don’t let anyone put you down, especially your nobby ex!

Wow he's a prize class twonk! You must have the patience of a saint.

Set up an email address for him. He's got far too much time on his hands by the sound of things.