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Original poster

How do others cope?!

33 replies

Kat283 · 07/06/2022 10:59

Hi all,

Feeling a bit low so wanted to come on and get some views/feedback from others.

I just feel like I'm massively struggling at life at the minute. I feel like I'm drowning, and like a crap Mum.

I work full-time (as does my husband), so my nearly 6yo goes to breakfast club and after school club. My 2.5yo goes to nursery FT.

Both girls are clingy to me, and bedtimes are a battle as both want me to read to them/settle them. Most nights it is 8:30/9 onwards before they are asleep (and that's on a good night).

My husband is not very supportive. He focuses on himself a lot and I am left getting the girls ready in the mornings and evenings. I do anything related to them (food, clothes, etc).

He complains all the time about clutter around the house. It bothers me too but as I work FT and then spend most of my evenings getting the girls settled, then have to tackle the post-dinner kitchen tidy up etc. I don't really know when I'm meant to do everything else.

He plays golf most weekends, and for the last month it was both Saturdays and Sundays. So I am left with both girls all weekend. As much as I try to tidy, as soon as I've tidied one area, they've pulled out more stuff etc.

I feel like I can't even keep on top of doing basic stuff like spellings and reading with my eldest. Most mornings, I am late getting her to breakfast club because my youngest is having a tantrum and husband won't deal with it.

How do other people cope?! I feel like a wreck and just seems that everyone else is on top of everything. I constantly berate myself for not doing enough school stuff with my eldest, for the house not being tidy, for not having done enough washing, for not having done the weekly shop. I just find it all too much at the moment :-(

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Butteryflakycrust83 · 07/06/2022 11:15

Your problem isn't your job, or your children, its your husband being a selfish sack of shit (sorry).

He isn't being a parent, or even an adult in the house. He is acting like another child for you to clean up and look after. No wonder you are frazzled! And he has the cheek to complain!

I would be having a very serious chat about the division of labour and parenting responsibilities, and also making sure you also have time for yourself. For every Golfing session he has, then you get the same time back to do what you want alone.

Lazypuppy · 07/06/2022 11:16

I have asupportive husband who does is half of everything in the house/children etc.

Working FT isn't your issue here

Hugasauras · 07/06/2022 11:18

Others cope by having a husband who isn't a useless prick, basically.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 6 year olds Families General parenting
GrandSlamFinale · 07/06/2022 11:20

How do other people cope?!

By having a supportive, grown up partner alongside them.

He complains all the time about clutter around the house.

What does HE do about the clutter around the house?

I constantly berate myself for not doing enough

Stop. You're doing MORE than enough. Your lazy, childish husband needs to start pulling his weight.

How was he before the babies?

NerrSnerr · 07/06/2022 11:22

What does your husband say when you ask him to do his fair share?

GrandSlamFinale · 07/06/2022 11:22

Forgot to add, your next question will be 'and how do I make him do that, it doesn't work.

You stop doing his laundry. You stop tidying HIS stuff (because I'm sure some of that clutter is actually his. You stop cooking for him or cleaning up his dishes. You take yourself out of the house one weekend morning each week. Do it very, very early the first time so when the girls wake up he's the only one in the house and he can't just leave and go to golf.

Original poster
Kat283 · 07/06/2022 11:24

Yeah, I’ve tried having multiple conversations about division of labour, how I can’t cope etc. He always seems to somehow twist it back on to me and I end up being at blame somehow.

He also likes to add pressure by telling me I’m not affectionate enough with him, don’t have sex enough etc.
He doesn’t seem to get that I’m bloody exhausted from juggling everything else.

We’ve had so many arguments about the same thing. His attitude is that I “make no effort to change” (i.e. more sex/affection) so why should he change.
I’ve told him before that I can’t carry on like this, and divorce has been mentioned. But then he gets nasty and says we’ll just sell the house and I’ll only get 15% of his income etc.

I feel so trapped. I feel like I’ve tried to talk things through but we are just incapable of talking. It always ends up with him getting angry if I put across my opinion, like I’m meant to just accept his opinion as gospel.

OP posts:
stairgates · 07/06/2022 11:25

Yep husband is a selfish man unfortunately, get him to write a list 9f what he expects done each weekend, then book a hobby for yourself for the following weekend and hand him the list!

GrandSlamFinale · 07/06/2022 11:26

Right, so you've tried talking.

Now try doing. Do nothing for him, definitely do not sleep with him. If he asks why, you tell him - what does he do for you?

If he gets 'nasty' get the facts straight with a family solicitor. He can't just decide what would happen to a division of assets himself. There are legal rules around that.

NerrSnerr · 07/06/2022 11:27

You need to split from him. Your life will be so much better.

If you stay with him you're teaching your children that this is what a normal relationship looks like and the cycle will continue.

Twizbe · 07/06/2022 11:28

I rarely say this, but leave the bastard.

You work full time so have your own income. You're married so the divorce will start from 50/50 at least.
He'll probably go for 50/50 custody (and find a new slave/gf to do the actual parenting for him) so you'll have a break as well.

Seriously, get rid and don't look back.

Legoninjago1 · 07/06/2022 11:29

Oh dear OP. You've allowed him to become a right old Lord of the Manor. Problem is, if he's the type of man who can be like that whilst watching you struggle, it's probably never going to get any better. Those are his spots and this may well be as good as it will ever get.
Start planning your life without him.

Original poster
Kat283 · 07/06/2022 11:31

I have actually previously asked for some legal advice. It was through my employer’s EAP programme so they couldn’t be too specific. But I know for example that he couldn’t make me sell the house, in theory I could argue to defer the sale until the girls were 18. But in our last argument, he got really nasty and said if I was living here, so would he. That’s when he threw in about how I’d only get 15% of his income so good luck paying for the nursery fees, clubs etc. for the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kat283 · 07/06/2022 11:32

@Twizbe in our last argument I did point out that if we split up, he’d have to have the girls at least every other weekend which would mess up his golf plans!!!

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famagusta · 07/06/2022 11:33

This sounds hellish OP

sadly not just for you, for your children too

use that as your motivation to make the change re being with your husband. Anything just be better than this

Legoninjago1 · 07/06/2022 11:33

Keep going with it OP. Don't copy him into the process. Get your ducks in a row first. You'll find a way to manage financially.

Original poster
Kat283 · 07/06/2022 11:34

@Legoninjago1 Hmm, I’m not sure I’ve “let him” as such. But yes, I think sadly he is just selfish.

It’s my eldest’s bday next Mon and we’re having a party at home on Sunday. He has today and yesterday off and has literally lay on the sofa the whole time. Whilst also having a go at me about how we’re having people round and the house is going to be a mess…

OP posts:
lilroo87 · 07/06/2022 11:34

I would quietly be getting everything sorted, talking to a lawyer about divorce and then spring it on him. He doesn't seem to add any value to your life at all and atleast without him you won't constantly be getting pressured for sex.
He will have to then have kids every so often which will mess up his own plans but give you time to yourself.

famagusta · 07/06/2022 11:35

Bit confused

in September 2020 you said you had been with your partner 5 months and was about to meet his child for the first time??

famagusta · 07/06/2022 11:36

Ignore me!!!! Wrong poster

Original poster
Kat283 · 07/06/2022 11:38

@NerrSnerr That is my concern. I do not want my girls thinking this is “normal”.

His temper is awful and he can go from being fine to absolutely off the scale in minutes.

He always complains that the girls want me rather than him but I feel like it’s no surprise given he’s barely here, and when he is, he’s miserable.

OP posts:
BrushWall · 07/06/2022 11:46

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Original poster
Kat283 · 07/06/2022 11:46

@lilroo87 Yes… I’ve been thinking the same recently.

I think I just find the thought of actually doing it daunting.
Also feel bad for the girls. I know this situation isn’t healthy for them. But also worry how they’ll be if we split up.

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 13:04

I can't think why you would stay with him. I would give him an ultimatum he either steps up and stops the golf, and helps in the evenings or the marriage is over. You would be in a (much) better position divorced op.