Bedtime 13 yr old

[Melissa245]

Hi

Advice please - my 13 yr old has just had his bedtime extended to 9 pm but is pushing me daily to extend it further. I know his friends stay up later but they are also on computer so even if i extended it he'd be pushing for extra computer time ( i bring him off half hour before bed.)

My partner has strict views on bedtime and doesn't want it extended

My son has not been great at getting up in morning and will literally roll out of bed and off to school. We've told him to show better time keeping in morning by allowing more time for teeth etc which he is doing but thinks having done it for 3 days he's shown enough commitment

Feeling torn

Advice please

We have always been strict on bedtime.

my 11 year old twins have 9 pm bedtime. Personally I think if he doesn’t feel 9 is right I would go for 9.30 - but only if he like you say shows willing in the morning….

You've just extended it to 9pm? So bedtime was earlier than 9pm at age 13.

I have a 15, 13 and 10 yr old. If they are in bed by 10pm, that's a result. It is too late for the 10 yr old I admit but he's the one that bounces out of bed at 6am. Sometimes we don't eat until 8pm and some clubs don't finish until 9 or 9.30pm so a 9pm.bedtime would seem very early in our house. We are all up by 6.30am for school.

For a 13 yr old, as long as they weren't falling asleep at school, I'd say 10pm would be a good average bedtime, later at weekends/holidays, earlier if they're tired.

My Dd is in y8 and just turned 13. At 2130 I tell her to get ready for bed and we have a rough time of 10pm for lights out. It's not strict though.

She gets up at 0630.

I think extending to 2100 for a 13 year old boy is very strict!

She's not back from guides until 2115 nor from another activity until a similar time!

I do feel that 9pm is a little early for a 13 year old but if he is already having issues getting up in the morning, i dont think extending his bedtime will help.

I think you're correct in saying if he can seem to get up fine in the mornings and follow a routine, you will extend his bed time. but anyone can do a new habit for a few days. Perhaps after a month you'll consider it?

9pm is quite early. My 12 yr old goes upstairs at 9.30 and reads for a bit. No gaming after dinner and no phones in the bedroom overnight. He does get out of bed easily in the morning, otherwise he would have to go earlier.

9pm for a 13 year old? Do they not do any out of school activities? How do they find time to fit anything in? My kid will be out at the park through summer until 8pm. My 13 year old goes at 11 which is too late but 9 is too early.

9pm does seem a little early for a 13yr old. My 11yo screen time ends at 8.30pm, she gets ready for bed by 9pm and then reads until lights out at 9.30. Gets up no problem at 6.30am for school.

This is all to do with how much sleep they need. He clearly isn't getting enough if he can't get out of bed in the morning early enough to do basic hygiene.

Ds2 is 16 but is always up at 6.45am and gets straight into the shower. His bedtime was dictated by how much sleep he needs. Dh and I go up at 10pm, Ds2 comes up at 11pm sets the alarm too. He does the same on a weekend, gets up before 7am. We only extended to 11pm this year.

Your son clearly needs his sleep, it helps with attitude and learning in school. If he got out of bed in the mornings with a positive attitude then this would be different. He just has FOMO (fear of missing out)

9pm sounds too early for 13yr old.

I don't think I even had a "bedtime" at 13 but just tended to go to bed when everyone else did, which happened to be around 10ish. I had a tv in my room so might have watched tv in bed for a bit until 10:30 and then drifted off.

I’d say way too early. Dd is 13 and goes to bed 10 / 1030pm. No iPad / phone after 830 though. I’d set the gaming limit at 830pm if that’s what it is currently and as pp have said, tell him you’ll consider extending bedtime in a month, if he can show he can consistently get up early enough in the morning for no rushing around.

We never had bedtimes and both of ours survived to adulthood , by 13/14 you should be letting them start to decide these things for themselves IMO .

13 year old DD mainly puts herself to bed but if she’s up beyond 10.30 I’ll suggest she goes to bed but then she foes get up by herself without prompting and doesn’t seem tired otherwise I’d say she needs to go to bed earlier.
I’d suggest a week or so of getting up without issue

It’s very early for a 13 year old. But my 13 year old does get up fine at 7am so if she didn’t I wouldn’t let her stay up as late as she does. Could you say he can stay up later but not on computer? So off computer at 9 and bed time at 10 - you can watch some tv together in that hour or he can read/chill in his room.

Thanks everyone - feeling bad thats its too early now

My 13 yr old is screens off and upstairs at 9. I'd guess it's usually lights off about 9.45, but I don't monitor that.
Judging from the amount if messages that come through after his phone is down stairs, I'd say he's one of the earliest to be screen free in an evening (he's also one of the earliest up!).

The thing is teenagers often find it hard to get to sleep. My 13 year old goes up to his room at 9:30 lights out 9:45 but is often still awake at 11pm! No phone or other devices in his room, he has to be off his phone at 9pm.
He’s up at 6:40am (we have to leave the house at 7:30), but he’s very tired. He doesn’t get enough sleep but it’s an age thing I think. I had terrible insomnia at that age.

My partner has strict views on bedtime and doesn't want it extended

Interesting that you refer to this man as your partner and not your child's father. Is he the child's father? I suspect not.

The level of control you are exercising is ridiculous. At 13 they should be leaving to self regulate (with support), not being sent to bed early like a toddler.

Also the proud owner of a 13 year old who has never been an early to bed type. Phone and internet access goes at 9 on school nights (10 in hols), but rarely asleep much before 11. Gets up without too much bother for school but will sleep in well past 10 if no school. Like others friends clearly awake with phones well after this (beep, buzz, beep).

My DD is 13 next month. Bed time for a school night is 9.30pm although she does like her sleep. Usually wakes up around 7am - sometimes earlier/later. She tends to decide if she's tired & Will at times go to sleep at 9pm & again if not tired, Will read for 15 mins or so. We limit screen time so no tv/phone/gaming 1 hour before bed if she sleeps in or is late for school, we agree to alter the bedtime to earlier until she's able to get up again.

I get your partners frustration. I go to bed early so now I have a nearly teen, it feels like we've lost our evening/adult time but that's part of them growing up so got to suck it up 🤣

Jubileetrain

Correct my partner is not the boys father. We separated 4 years ago and he's seen them a handful of times since, and nothing in the last 3 years. Not interested in them atall, didn't parent them when we were together.

My partner has 2 adult children himself and is devoted to ensuring we co-parent my kids to help them grow up with the life skills they need. My 13 yr old has , as i said, struggled to get up in the morning and we spend a lot of time pushing him to get ready and out on time, hence the earlier bedtime.

We allow a later bedtime on the agreement they read, could that work for you? My older two are ok with this & read. The youngest is always too tired to read so goes to bed would stay up for tv/chats/gaming though 🤣. If mornings continue to be a struggle, then it goes back to 9?

My partner has 2 adult children himself and is devoted to ensuring we co-parent my kids to help them grow up with the life skills they need.

No he isn't. He is imposing a strict (and ridiculous) bedtime on your son, because he has decided to do so. Not because it's best for your son, and you know that otherwise you wouldn't be here posting about it, but because it suits him either to A. have your son out of the way in the evenings or B. hold ultimate control. Either way this does not bode well for the future and you need to see it for what it is and step in to protect your son.

I agree with jubileetrain. Your son's bedtime is not up to your partner, it is up to you to decide. You need to protect your son, listen to your son and work with him to agree a sensible bedtime that will enable him to get up and ready for school on time. Nothing to do with your partner, and as your son gets older you are going to have to watch closely that he does not try and enforce more controlling rules that will come between you and your son.

My Year 8 DS (still 12 at the mo) has read by 9.30 and we'd usually expect his light to be off by 9.45. I would move to an earlier bedtime if he was struggling to get up in the morning though. Maybe tell him it can move to 9.30 if he's up and dressed by 7am and see what happens.