Advice about people staying after I've given birth

[Daisy203]

Hi everyone,
As a soon to be first time parent I am a bit unsure what to do about relatives that want to come and stay right after I've had the baby (this summer). I'm more than happy with people popping in to visit but the problem is my inlaws and grown up step children live at least two hours away and would need to stay over if they came to visit. I just think I'll need a bit of time to figure out what I'm doing with a newborn without other people (who are a bit interfering/not particularly helpful or tidy) being in the house with us and needing feeding/ entertaining etc. Am I being unreasonable and what do you think is enough time before allowing visitors to stay over? It's not that I don't want to see them, I just don't want any extra stress until I sort of know what I'm doing a bit.
Many thanks in advance

They need to stay in a hotel/B&B/campsite anywhere but your home unless it’s huge and you have a housekeeper to look after them.

it’s really lovely to have family visit when you’ve had a brand new squidgy baby. Especially if they bring cakes, make tea and hold said baby while you lie down or have a bath.

it is NOT lovely to have to host them in any capacity.

Asuming your family are sane, just be honest - we'd really love to see you, but don't want people staying over straight away.

You’d hope they’d have a bit of common sense about it though. I’d never dream of assuming I’d be staying over with someone who’d just had a baby.

Send them links to a local premier inn/travelodge.

Gosh no don’t have people to come and stay unless it’s your mum and dad why are going to be a big help, you don’t need to have to stress about hosting when you’ve just had a baby

I personally said ok to visitors but had a blanket ban on anyone staying. Not only is it too much work whilst adjusting to a newborn, it’ll also be crap for guests because they will be woken overnight by the baby. If they drive and are 2 hours away then there’s really no need to stay over anyway. We have relatives 2 hours away and hardly ever stay over. If anyone is insistent they can’t do a day trip then it would be up to them to sort themselves a local hotel. My MIL lives abroad and was more than happy with this, she said herself that she’s too old to be woken by a crying baby and preferred a quiet night at the hotel!

Unless you have a nice big house and they are really helpful then either ask them to wait a few weeks before staying, or ask them the get an AirBnB and just visit.

Don't be too precious, you could be fine, but don't be pressured into hosting. Your partner should have your back.

Assert your boundaries now and don't apologise for it. Anyone who expects to stay with you when you've just had a baby is taking the piss and being totally unreasonable.

There are marvelous places called hotels, that's where they can stay.

To add, I don't understand them having to stay when they only live two hours away. That much of a drive is nothing.

Yeah, this has all the makings of a disaster.

Just say no.

As PP suggest, a link to local hotels or motels and a cheery message - "Looking forward to seeing you when you pop in after we get past the first week or two."

PIL (a 5 hour drive away) agreed throughout my pregnancy that they would stay in a hotel down the road when DD arrived.

Changed their minds and refused to come unless we put them up (DD’s birth was traumatic and caused me PTSD. I was exhausted and injured and they’re the sort that do fuck all to help). DH was distraught.

They were eventually persuaded to visit when she was 2 weeks old for the day. They drove 10 hours to see us for 3 hours tops because they didn’t want to fork out £50 for a Premier Inn. I’ve never forgiven them for doing that to DH.

5 years, minimum!

I can't bear people staying in my house for very long, so I'd be packing them off to a hotel. People are rarely as useful as they say they'll be! I still remember my mum pulling me aside about 2 weeks pp and telling me (well-meaning but ultimately unhelpfully) that there was mould in the butter. Yes, I know, I said. Just pick around it.

You know your family best so you know how you'll feel, but you're absolutely not unreasonable for wanting space after giving birth. Don't let anyone bully you into hosting!

Maybe if they are polite, considerate helpful and you have a large property where you have your own room, they have their own room, there's another room to sleep in in case you and your partner need to sleep at different times, and also a living room and kitchen.

And you love them dearly. And if they won't get offended by you leaving them to their own devices at times either.

I don't think I love any of my extended family enough to put up with it though!!

2 hours is nothing if you want to visit a baby! If they don't want to do the drive twice they can stay in a hotel surely? I did two hours each way to visit my cousins baby last summer drove up, stopped by for about two hours and then drive home!!

My ILs came to stay for a few days after my second child was born. Hellish. They’re not horrible people but they were just there. Not helping. Both with mobility issues. One grumpy old man. I was having to express and bottle feed at the time. My baby had been extremely ill. Don’t commit to anything.

Air BnB if they insist on staying overnight

They visit in short bursts (an hour tops) to see baby then fuck off and let you have your own space

Your partner should broker this. You should not be worrying about anything other than looking after yourself and baby

Absolutely this. every word of it.

They can stay near by anything else would be rude

Thanks everyone, that's really helpful. I will definitely have two weeks at least with no one staying in the house. Its hard work at the best of times so can't imagine how it is with no sleep!! Thanks again x

Certainly no overnight guests. And only short visits the rest of the time.

Two weeks? I'd say eight weeks, minimum.

You don't know how easy the birth will go, or how long you'll be in hospital. 2 weeks is still so early, like another poster said 8 weeks is a better bet.

I'd play it by ear at eight weeks life was so hard with my third cluster feeding I was exhausted

EVERYONE is different though OP. I had visitors in day 4 and 5 after my c section. It was a very smooth recovery and I wasn’t in a lot of pain. Week 7 I took the baby up to see my family on the train on my own. Im not saying this to boast, but I genuinely found I got into the swing of things quite quickly. DS wasn’t a good sleeper but he is very placid and he’s never been a crier, so I didn’t find the above hard (by then I wasn’t breastfeeding though despite my best efforts, although I was expressing, he was mostly on formula) so I appreciate I was lucky there.

I’m just pointing out that yes you should play it by ear, but it might go the other way and you’ll find you’re actually ready for things a bit sooner than you might think.

No way, it creates extra washing and stress!
They should be fine agreeing to stay in a hotel