Reassure me about having a newborn!

[toastedcat]

I'm due my first in 8 days and feeling nervous, excited, hopeful, but mainly terrified! I can't help but read the "I've ruined my life" threads and worry about what is to come.

Please can we have a thread about life with a newborn from a positive angle? All the things you enjoyed, how it compares to expectations, any tips for making it through?

I've just had my third baby and to be honest, all of my babies have been easy. They have all had lovely, quiet ternperaments and slept well. Even my 'bad sleeper' was pretty good by other people's standards. My first never cried; he would just make a grunting noise. My second was happy as long as she was attached to a boob. My third slept so well I had to set an alarm at night to wake her as she wasn't gaining enough weight.

For me the worst part was the physical recovery from childbirth, whether its an episiotomy, prolapse, forceps injuries, c section etc. I would have loads more babies if I could get them out more easily. The recovery is what makes me feel awful, not the baby.

Get a lactation consultant on speed dial if you plan to breastfeed and get help early. Breastfeeding can be absolutely excruciating if not properly supported.

The newborn phase passes quickly and then they start smiling and cooing and you realise those early days are gone forever so either cherish is or feel relieved that it doesn't last too long!

Hello OP, I was like you and freaked out reading all the doom threads. Mine’s nearly 4 months and I still haven’t adjusted fully to my new life and I have some occasional existential crises but that said in some (practical) ways having a baby is easier than I thought it would be and I’m coping better than I expected. I admit I’ve got lucky and mine is probably on the easier end of the spectrum (so far anyway!) Yes the first couple of weeks are gruelling re lack of sleep and breastfeeding (many tears were shed) but after that you will probably start to find your feet, and if you’ve got a good partner you work together to do what needs to be done.

Some tips:

• Accept help! I struggled to do this at first. I felt if I accepted help I wasn’t coping with my new job. This is of course nonsense.


• Lower your expectations. EVERYONE told me this and yet I still thought I would be able to get projects done around the house plus get out for exercise etc… it’s literally been only in the last week that it’s sunk in that looking after my baby is a full time job, the amount of time I have to do other things is pretty similar to the time I’d have if I were working from home full time and trying to do other things during breaks. I was a slow learner on this particular reality. :)


• Select a silly facial expression or silly word with your partner for use in times when you are both over tired and emotional and things are in danger of escalating. Hopefully one of you will have enough self awareness in the moment to diffuse the situation by using it!

Good luck! And be kind to yourself.

That's one of the most helpful comments. I really had to lower my expectations a LOT. I don't clean much anymore and only buy food that I can put in the microwave.

I try to get as much sleep as possible while my partner takes care of the baby.

But I can't shake the feeling that having a baby was the biggest mistake of my life and this is so horrible to say.
It just feels like a never-ending endurance marathon.

Apart from the tiredness, it's great. The tiredness can be pretty difficult though. If you have supportive friends or family, get them to come round, give them a (newly fed) baby to hold, and then go to bed for a nap.

(I will be eternally grateful to my brother, the world's most doting uncle, who happily held DD for an entire afternoon while I slept, and surfaced at intervals to feed her.)

Sleep deprivation is the only true negative (for me anyway!) as the cuddles, and the closeness is just amazing! Yeah okay they can't do much, it can be boring at times, but after pregnancy and birth that's kinda what you need 😂 all the cuddles on the sofa, and just time to relax and rest! Let you partner do as much as possible in those first few weeks too! Don't try and be super mum! No one thinks any better of you got it and you'll be exhausted!

I would agree with this. Out of the people I know who've crashed a bit afterwards, they've all had enormously high expectations and as a result put a lot of pressure on themselves. Fuck everyone else except you and your baby and never try to be the perfect mum - focus instead on enjoying the enjoyable bits (time off work, people bringing you biscuits) and getting through the hard bits would be my advice.

The newborn phase is my favourite one. Nothing better than being unable to get up from the sofa because a tiny baby has fallen asleep on you - just make sure you have your phone, tv remote, snacks etc to hand first!

I have 2 dc and am in the camp of people that found it quite hard to have a new born and I'll tell you now, despite that, it was wonderful and I'd love to go through that all again in a heart beat.

There are adjustments, but you do adjust, you're tired but again you adjust very quickly! If you're ever struggling try and remember it's such a small amount of time in the scheme of things.

It really is a magical experience, enjoy your baby.

(I'd also go through child birth again in a second and that's after having a 21 hour pain relief free birth with my first!)

Even if it shit, and you have a non sleeping reflux baby, go demented and nearly kill the entire household several times through mistakes made it I. the torture of sleep deprivation, you will get through it, it will pass.

Take each moment/day at a time

These are the expectations:
Merconium poo

Everything else is all chance. Shine babies do tummy time, others don't. Some babies grow fast, others don't. There is a "percentile" for everything... It's neither good nor bad of your child is is isn't in that spectrum.

Mid wives and health visitor are offering advice. It's all just advice.

I found the what to expect books amazing

Honestly I found the newborn stage the easiest. They're tiny, portable, crying is solved by one of three things (nappy, hungry, tired) they don't try to roll over while you change their nappy, they smell great...and actually you can still go out in the evening with newborns.

Once they're older the fun really starts, Ive found 6-12 months much more difficult but SO much more rewarding.

Good luck with your new baby OP :)

I thought it was...fine? Not the best thing ever, not the worst. DS was a terrible eater for the first few weeks, which caused a load of stress, but other than that it was ok. He was a "good" sleeper so I was never totally exhausted. He liked being worn, so I just used to shove him in a sling and go about my day. I always managed to take a shower every day (sometimes I took 2!) and drank plenty of cups of tea and coffee while they were still hot.

If anything I found it a bit dull because usually I work a demanding, exciting job and there I was, at home, mooching about the park with a coffee and watching Love Island with the dogs. Luckily two of my friends were also on mat leave and another was funemployed, otherwise I might have gone a bit mad from boredom.

I had a terrible pregnancy and everyone said that the newborn phase would be worse, but it was much much easier. Like PPs have said, I think a supportive partner who does 50% and reasonable expectations are the key. I remember someone starting a thread on here because they were distressed that the newborn phase wasn't magical snuggles and bonding and pure happiness all day long 🙄.

I really hit my stride when DS could sit up and really interact though and I love love LOVE the toddler phase. It's so much fun, I'm not sure why it gets all the flack.

Just in case anyone comes across this in future and wants to know how it's going...

I'm totally in love with my gorgeous baby boy. He's smiley, divine and totally gorgeous.

Everything I read about was true. The good, the bad and the ugly!

For me, the most difficult part at the start was feeding. In many ways it was so much harder than I had imagined, which was a bit of a shock as I thought I had prepared for the worst, hoped for the best. There were lots of tears and definitely some real dark moments, all tied up with me and breastfeeding. I've accepted now that exclusive breastfeeding can't happen (I had a breast reduction which hasn't helped).

We are mix feeding now (formula and EBM) and I am expressing every 3-4 hours, which at first was really really difficult but I have adjusted to this new way of life and I know it won't last forever. A double electric pump means I can still read a book or scroll my phone at the same time.

Aside from the feeding stress it has been really lovely. Tiring yes, but not to the extent that I am affected negatively mentally, which I was worried about.

I manage to shower each day and clean my teeth. Sometimes I don't time it well but it always happens.

My cats, at six weeks, have finally started sleeping on the bed again. Nappies are a piece of piss. Sterilising is fine. I do loads of washing and have got used to that.

My free time is now finite - eg I know I'll only have 20 mins to read a bit of my book - but I've learned to appreciate those moments instead of yearning for what I had before. My baby boy is so much more important!

Oh -- but I have to say, to anyone who thinks that "snacks and Netflix on the sofa with your baby" sounds idyllic and relaxing, it's fucking not. Mainly because of the aforementioned finite free time. You can't relax as your mind is constantly counting down to the next thing!

Thank you to everyone who shared their stories and helped reassure me/prepare me!

It’s just different for everyone! Personally I loved the newborn stage and had the easiest baby ever! She was content and happy, smiled early which was a joy. She slept amazingly, she was happy anywhere or with anyone, and napped in the pushchair if I wanted to go for a walk or go out, or napped anywhere at home.
Breastfeeding was and is really tough but the rest of the newborn stage was amazing.

5 months in and it’s quite a different story with the sleep regression, 45 minute intruder, separation anxiety and tummy time refusal!

If I could give anyone advice for the newborn stage it would be to enjoy it as much as possible! Go out and about whilst they’ll happily nap in the pushchair or in louder places and without sleep associations ruining it all or being too distracted to feed to sleep in public. Enjoy the days without routines to stick to or questioning should we go here and when do we go? Do we hope they’ll sleep in the car or force the nap before we go? Do we do this in case it breaks routine too much?

I appreciate not everyone has an easy newborn and for some people it’s very draining, but if it’s not then make sure you enjoy every second before it becomes a battle of wills because trust me, baby’s will is stronger than yours if they don’t want to sleep, eat, or allow you to pee without screaming the house down because you walked away for five minutes

I didn’t find the newborn stage hard with either of my babies.

Hard but... I got used to it quickly. It was amazing ♥️

Sorry seen your update! So glad you're loving it!

Well done OP. Sounds like you are doing really well. Your post is spot on. So glad you are enjoying your baby x

I don’t understand how a ‘newborn’ can ruin someone’s life. You’re not stuck with a tiny baby for all perpetuity, they’re only newborns for a couple of weeks. I think older babies and toddlers take up more of your energy in many ways - it’s the ‘newness’ of having a newborn which is a bit of a shock to to the system and makes it seem like the trickiest time.
Nights we’re certainly tough, but overall a newborn sleeps a lot. On you mostly - mine didn’t want to lie flat by himself in a Moses basket - that’s what’s also tough 😂 Or they like to sleep in in a moving pram - so you’re very much stuck with either walking or lying on the sofa. Find some good walking routes now and add some good series to binge on your Netflix list. You’ll be fine.

Oh I didn’t realise it was an old post! Lovely to see your update!

Newborns was pretty much the easiest stage for me (well up to 5 and then it gets easier again) and I didn’t have easy babies tbh. The first was literally a doddle as had no other children to take care of. Plp focus so much on the newborn stage being hard, it’s such a sort time tbh , I’m reality there’s a million stages where you’ll be wreaked and sleep deprived. I’m not even smug as 18 months to 3 years was so much more difficult for me (v cute but v v v hard work) I was a lot more tired with a toddler than a newborn but then again I toddlers (2 anyway ) which woke more and far more difficult to settle an older baby than a younger one, couldn’t do anything during the day with a toddler except try to stop them killing themselves , no attention spans, literally couldn’t sit in my house for 3 seconds. So for me I enjoyed the newborn stage as I like to chill at home etc and I didn’t have easy babies , they didn’t like to be put down really so I just had them in a sling and got on with it or they cuddled up a bf while I chilled.
Of course it’s a shock to the system to suddenly have to care for a baby but I genuinely loved it , had no help apart from my dh. People always say accept help but I had no offers and v v hands off family so I didn’t find that advice helpful but I get plp are trying to reassure and offer advice.
I loved the snuggles , the smell , I loved giving birth ( I’m aware I was lucky that my births were easy), I loved breastfeeding ( although bf babies wake a lot more than formula fed babies I don’t care what anyone says I know this is true), I honestly watched loads of Netflix with my first , read loads , waffed around coffee shops with baby in a sling , we went out to dinner loads .
It all changed once they started moving and then we could do absolutely nothing like that but I found the newborn stage a gentle introduction to parenting. I know other plp have different experiences and like I said the toddler stage was more difficult for me personally. By my third child we honestly planned travelling and doing house projects when the baby was small as they’d stay in the one place and we knew once they were on the move we would be limited.
Overall I loved that stage ( of course it’s tiring and a different life etc ) and have such wonderful memories of it.
Best of luck op and congrats!

I think with your first it’s really hard to “enjoy every moment” because you’re so terrified listening to every newborn breath, convinced that your baby is too good to be true and won’t survive the night (… maybe that was just me, but I don’t think so!).

But honestly if you can push through the fear, then the newborn days are sooooooooo lovely. I’m not sure I fully appreciated it until my third (knowing he was my last!). The hours cuddled in bed together (safe cosleeping), the crazy rush of oxytocin when you breastfeed after a couple of hours apart, the baby head smell, the tiny little fingers, making eye contact with this perfect little creature, the baby head smell, their soft skin, the adorable little outfits, how much joy babies bring other people in the neighbourhood (even just random passers-by), and did I mention the baby head smell? 😝❤️

Congratulations OP. The next few weeks will be intense and will have some low points - that’s a given - but the high points are on a whole other level from anything I’d experienced before.

@toastedcat that's such good news! Sounds like you have taken the best route for your child regarding their feeding and that you're doing such a good job even in the face of some difficulties you should be really proud of yourself.

I love a good update.

With my newborn I was the same I thought I was prepared I read everything I knew I'd be tired... But oh dear lord the exhaustion was unreal.
I agree mums have ridiculous expectations of themselves. Especially if they want to breastfeed and can't or maybe they don't actually want to breast feed but feel they should. I bottle fed and I adored it still do. Big FF fan 😊
Also who every said... Sleeo when baby sleeps in great in theory but when your baby naps on you... You can hardly take a nap too lol.
But oh the newborn smell, and little baby sounds and teeny tiny toes and cuddles.
Loved the newborn stage.

FTM with a seven week old. There have been fucking bad days im not going to lie - days when I've slept 15 minutes, ate 2 apples in 2 days and can't work out why my baby is upset.. days when ive sat on the toilet crying with exhaustion having just got the baby down to sleep and can hear him crying already.

But today he smiled at me. Properly smiled not a wind smile. All the memories of those days just vanish. Right now he is sleeping and it's literally my chance to be sleeping too but I don't want to. I just want to watch him.

Your life will never be the same again - it will be 1000 times better

I agree. My DS turned 3 months old and it's SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER than a few weeks ago. Read my previous posts, I was at the lowest point of my life. Sometimes I thought dying was better than to have a newborn. Sorry but taking care of a constantly screaming poop machine is awful.
But now he smiles, babbles, coos and rolls over!
He sleeps better, no more colic and much more. It gets so much better.
I hate it when people say it doesn't get better. Maybe they had the easiest newborns in the world. BUT I SURE DIDNT.