Reassure me about having a newborn!

[toastedcat]

I'm due my first in 8 days and feeling nervous, excited, hopeful, but mainly terrified! I can't help but read the "I've ruined my life" threads and worry about what is to come.

Please can we have a thread about life with a newborn from a positive angle? All the things you enjoyed, how it compares to expectations, any tips for making it through?

It is scary approaching the birth of your first baby! And there’s no way to know what they, or you will be like. I think you need to try and embrace that uncertainty as a totally normal part of it all. For me the first month was very blissful, tiring but warm memories. It was the other 11 months of the first year that were awful!! It’s ok to feel scared. But you will get there, however it turns out, and learn lots about yourself on the way.

Yes this!! My newborn loves hearing what's going on in my magazines or DH reading the times to her 😂plenty of Time to read baby books when eyes paying attention 😆

This. First book mine had read to her was the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. Also if you decide to play lullabies, Spotify have lullaby versions of all sorts of songs. Mine loves the offspring and Metallica at bed time.

I loved the newborn stage with all of my three , I didn’t have v easy babies but with my first it was just sooooo easy as I didn’t have other kids to look after. We lazed about , watched series, went for long walks etc etc , v little impact , totally different with other subsequent children. I just put him
on a sling and off we went doing whatever. I totally get that but everyone has the same experience but personally we found it such a gentle introduction to parenting. I had no issues with bf, body normal after a week (I was late 20’s having two of my kids and v early 30’s for last) but my babies never slept ….. or toddlers ….
Once my babies were mobile and then toddlers it was a billion times more difficult , MUCH more work than a newborn but you have time for that….I also had huge issues with sleep so I can’t do the whole “they only sleep badly for 6 months” .. thing because that wasn’t true for me tbh and we were firm , consistent, routined etc…I would just be realistic on that.
One child is really really easy as long as there’s no health issues, other problems, that’s my opinion. I’m v v v happy we had three though as they all play together and me and my dh are sitting back with older kids enjoying like and in our late 30’s. So , so worth it.

Also while they are immobile do things that you like to do , I learned this from my experience of three babies!! It doesn’t have to be baby focused as once they are toddlers you have to do so much more child focused stuff. As small babies they only want to be near you..so go for coffees, go for walks that you like, watch whatever you want etc etc, once they start moving and talking things shift over to what they want to do but as babies you can still enjoy things that u like with a baby in a sling etc.
I see new parents waving bits of material around at baby classes or having freezing newborns dunked in pools and just think it’s bs classes that new parents think they have to do… baby would be more than happy having a bath with you at home and although some places are great for meeting plp , getting out etc , if you don’t want to that’s cool too.

OP, I have 3 kids and I absolutely ADORE the newborn stage!
I feel besotted with the newborn and don't want to put them down. The smell of their head is just divine.
I used to love when they woke in the night so I can be all alone with them, feeding in the quiet hours.
I'd put something on tv that I really wanted to watch and just sit there and drink it all in. Some of my favourite memories.

There is stuff you can do to increase your odds of it being ok. 1)Get a newborn suitable sling (the close caboo? Something like that). 2)Get some of those readymade formula bottles - even if you're hoping to breastfeed it's a godsend to know that if things are getting too much you can hand the baby over to someone else and they can be fed without having to figure out how to sterilise a bottle on zero sleep. 3)Work out where your nearest breastfeeding support is - there might be a drop-in clinic? It really really helps to have someone who knows what they're doing give you a hand. 3) Have a tonne of nice food that you can eat with one hand. 4)Look up the safe co-sleeping advice on the Lullaby trust. You might not need it, but again it's reassuring to know it's there. 5) Make a plan for A Nice Thing to do when you want to leave the house. 6) load up the e-reader with books you can read while feeding.

Quite a lot of this depends on money, I know. And luck.

The good bit is baby sleeps all the time😄 granted it is usually ON you so you get nothing else done, but what better excuse! We were grateful of people bringing us meals and treats. My OH's paternity leave consisted of the 3 of us at home, netflix and lots of yummy food. Even though you're exhausted, you really do (well I do) miss the newborn days when they're gone. Then the next best part is when baby starts smiling and interacting with you🥰

The newborn stage was my favourite time of my life 😍

Treat the baby as a fulltime task, don’t try to make the baby fit around work or social commitments, drop all commitments and activities other than the baby. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Enjoy the snuggles. Your baby will adore you more than anyone ever has and this is a special time.

Expect little from the Dad, men are shockingly crap at the newborn stage. Dad’s job is to look after you and fetch you stuff but don’t expect him to be any use looking after the baby.

And remember this: the baby books lie. All of them. Whether they’re suggesting ‘cry it out’ sleep training or ‘gentle parenting’ none if it works, just get to know your individual baby and negotiate sleep and activities with the baby. For example my baby was happy to nap in buggy walks on busy roads, but would cry and refuse sleep whenever I visited a quiet park 🤷‍♀️

I am the author of the latest "I think I've ruined my life threat"
Please don't let us scare you but also prepare well.

My advice:

• Sleep as much as you can before having the baby. If that means all day every day. Do it. The sleep deprivation is very rough. Please trust me on this.


• Have you and your partner take shifts. For instance 6 pm to 12 and 12 to 6 am so both can get some uninterrupted sleep.


• At first you won't know why your baby cries and it will probably cause alot of stress and helplessness. I don't know if anyone knows what their baby is trying to tell them from day 1 so try to relax and check if he's hungry, if he needs a changing, or if he just needs to be held. It's usually one of those.


• When you feel like you're losing it and are getting really mad. It's okay to leave the baby for a few minutes in a safe place and calm down. Just never do anything violent like shaking the baby.


• The baby doesn't cry to piss you off. He's just trying to communicate in the most annoying way possible (red faced screaming)


• You will make mistakes but that's alright as long as it won't harm your baby (accidentally dropping him, burning him with hot water)


• Don't worry about housework or cooking. Only do what's necessary.


• Don't be pressured to have visitors if you don't want them around (I made that mistake and it was very stressful)


• All that a baby needs is feeding, change of diaper and sleep/cuddles. So having formula, wipes and diapers at home plus some baby clothes should be enough.


• Baby will probably not sleep in his own crib. Only on you or very close to you which can make sleeping difficult once you're at home.


• Its OK to formula feed. Breast feeding is hard and for some people doesn't come naturally and it doesn't mean you're a failure if it doesn't work.


• Get as much help as you can!! Family. Friends. Partner or even neighbors.


• If you have a partner and he starts being a bit more rude sometimes it's probably because he's stressed. Don't take it personally and forgive each other.

Earlier this morning I saw a very cute 11 month old. He gave me hope that things will get better. He gave me the cutest smile.
As long as you keep everyone alive and yourself sane you're doing a great job.

Almost exactly this! Only I did find the newborn stage ridiculously easy and it helped that DD slept so well that I've never had so much sleep in my life as I did in the first 6 months of her life

I loved the newborn days. Yes there were some hard bits - establishing feeding and night feeds etc. but it was also such a special quiet time at home getting to know my baby, pottering around the house, having friends over for coffee to meet the baby etc. just take it really slow and try to embrace the season as much as you can. When things are hard don’t panic because it’ll change very quickly

Listen to Crocky :-)

Don't overthink it, don't even bother thinking, or reading or tapping on a phone, you're entering a zone where words don't matter. Body, senses and instinct take over. Let it happen. Listen to your body and do what it needs; eat, rest, sleep, hold and stroke baby, lie around gazing at baby and tuning in to each other.

Yes, this is the most difficult thing. You aren't prepared for how hungry you will be. This was the biggest source of stress for me. I pumped for a while and so I was draining my boobs all the time to get enough milk. But even once she latched if I hadn't eaten, and she wanted to feed, I would literally start to feel all the life drain from my body.

I was very fortunate to not be working and so I could navigate all this as a lone priority. My advice is as far as is possible forgo absolutely everything and just be with your baby.

The time moves quickly and when I look at pictures of my child when they were newborn it fills me with joy that I was able to just be with her all day every day while she was that little.

Co-sleeping in month 2 was what saved my sanity because then I started to get sleep again.

My DP was amazing, I had a c section and he did everything, every time baby woke, he was there to lift him out the crib and pass to me (BF) so I definitely had the support. He would bring snacks and drinks while BF but I didn't sleep for over a week when DS was born due to pain and anxiety etc. i did think a few times what have I done, why did I do this etc. BUT this was only in the first few weeks, looking back I was exhausted from not sleeping and have struggled with depression since diagnosed at 11 and this definitely was that.
After about a month, I was in my happy baby bubble, it was hard, it still is hard but that's having a baby and I would not change it for anything. Please don't worry, some people adjust quicker than others and there's contributing factors like unsupportive partners, traumatic births, depression etc. reach out for help if you need it when the time comes

Having my kids was the best thing to happen to me but the baby days fly by so fast. I look back at pics of my kids as newborns and my heart aches to hold them like that again, so enjoy every baby snuggle.

It’s just lovely, it goes so fast really try and enjoy as much as you can. We were in hospital for 5 days and I just spent the whole time staring at her. I would say try not to worry too much about the lack of sleep you’re getting, wake windows are helpful but don’t get too caught up on them as babies don’t always care about wake windows lol. Also try and remember that the difficult phases do end even thought at the time they don’t feel like it.

Enjoy contact naps, they won’t be forever and it’s so nice snuggling with your baby and not being able to get up and do jobs around the house. I loved going for walks, it really helped get into a routine. Also just watching how they develop and grow is just amazing. It can be tough but it’s so worth it. Mine are now 28 months and 15 months and it’s gone so quickly.

Also even on the rough days there are such amazing moments which make everything worth it.

Ahhh and also fed is best, don’t put pressure on yourself to breastfeed if it isn’t working for you. I tried it for a few weeks and then stopped and after making the decision it was like a weight had been lifted.

It's a wonderful time! So so special.
But yes it's hard. Very hard. But not in a depressing way. Just in a wow o was completely unprepared for the level of tiredness and emotion etc.

We’ve got 7 and this comment is absolutely spot on, yes it is about expectations and support. If you go into it thinking baby will feed 3 hourly and be happy to be put down to sleep etc etc then unless you end up with an unusually easy baby then it will hit you like a train. However go into it with an open mind, have as much support as you possibly can, batch cook those meals before hand etc, don’t plan or accept any commitments in the first few weeks, keep a diary or feed and sleep times so you can identify baby’s core night (that 3-4 hour stretch when baby actually sleeps in the 24 hour cycle) expect that you’ll most certainly be up feeding most of the 2nd and 3rd night but you should have your days for sleeping, warn your dh of the hormone shifts around day 3-7 and that he needs to give you lots of TLC, just generally be super gentle on yourselves, you don’t need any additional stressors in those first few weeks and have faith that it does get easier and you are much more likely to be happier with the whole experience. Let us know how you get on x

It’s also ok to hate the newborn stage. It doesn’t last forever. I had so many problems with feeding and couldn’t sleep, it nearly broke me. I felt like I was looking after a baby. Not ‘my’ baby. I know that sounds odd, but the maternal instinct kicked in when they developed their little personality, the little grin, the funny noises. Also was lucky they slept through early on and got a resemblance to my old life back (at 6wks we could put them to bed and enjoy a proper dinner on our own and have a good sleep)! There’s no magic formula, just depends on the baby and the parents to a certain extent (as individuals I mean, not parenting style). Don’t be discouraged, if it doesn’t happen immediately. You have your whole lives together!

I really love the newborn stage with both of mine. I just soaked up all the snuggles! Tiredness was the only downside but it gets better as the weeks pass. I did breastfeed both of mine too and that was tricky to start too but got easier and better with time too. My main tip is just not to feel under pressure to do 'stuff'. I honestly didn't go out and about unless I wanted to. It's fine to spend days in the house, not getting dressed and watching TV in those early days! Getting out can be stressful so I never liked to commit to weekly baby groups etc... in those early weeks / months. I didn't get hung up on a routine either until mine were around 3 months. I just followed their little cues and they then naturally fell into a feeding / sleeping pattern that I then worked hard to maintain. Congratulations and good luck!!

And also, some people love being in bed with the baby early on, I have to say it was my worst part for me. I’m not naturally that way inclined, I like to be doing something. I felt more guilt when I heard how people liked to do skin to skin, sniff the head, spend hours feeding - I didn’t like that bit and felt so guilty for not liking it. Now a year is passed and I feel so silly for letting what other people did affect me and putting that guilt on myself - nobody you like and value cares how you look after your baby as long as it’s best for you. Cosleep/don’t cosleep, breastfeed/formula feed, stay in bed/go out with the pram. Do any combination that works for you and don’t feel guilty about it as you are the parent and you will do what’s best. Every baby and parent are different and just find what works for you and your baby. Good luck!

Honestly, these threads are a load of rubbish tbh.

You get:

1. posts from heavily pregnant women wanting reassurance that it's not too bad. Dozens of responses about how newborns are fine, it was their favourite bit etc and not to worry

2. posts from new mums dating how hard it is. You get signed off responses about how is the hardest stage and it gets better after a couple of months, and how lots of babies sleep through by 3-6 months or just wake up once or twice

3. sleep posts from mums 6-12 months in wondering why their babies don't sleep when they were told that it would get better (see point 2 above). They then get told that it's rare for babies to sleep well early on, their expectations are too optimistic (although entirely in keeping with what they were told) and that posters children didn't sleep through for 5 years etc.

Generally most posters will try to be reassuring to the person irrespective of the truth of the matter. Not to say people are lying, but that but everyone will choose to reply on a particular thread, especially if it doesn't fit in with providing the reassurance the OP is looking for.

Telling a heavily pregnant woman that yes, newborn staff might be hell (it wasn't for me btw, i just know it is for some) isn't going to make her feel better, so people don't say that, and you end up with disproportionately positive stories.

Saying to a woman with a newborn who is struggling that no, it actually got a lot harder and if might be years until they get a decent sleep isn't going to make them feel better, so you get disproportionately posts saying that it's a very short term thing.

For me, i give my (non sleeping for I've if them) newborns very rest, toddlers hard, and no they still don't sleep. But I know others that found newborns hard but they're babies then slept.

I'm not sure you can know how you'll find it until you are in it, and possibly not until you are through it and looking back.

But good or bad, everything is a phase, and the only guarantee is that it changes over time.

For me, i give my (non sleeping for I've if them) newborns very rest, toddlers hard, and no they still don't sleep. But I know others that found newborns hard but they're babies then slept.

Lol you can see that still don't sleep as that makes zero sense...

It should have said:

For me, I found my (non sleeping for one of them) newborns very easy, toddlers hard and no they still don't sleep.