High needs baby - anyone else and how did you cope?

[BenjiCat]

My baby is eight months old and I can't work out whether she is simply harder work than other babies, if I'm struggling, or if others manage parenting better than I do (or if it's a bit of both)?!

I really love and care about her and when happy, she's absolutely lovely. But my goodness, most days I just feel worn down.

She's never been a settled baby. I've been down the road of silent reflux, colic, CMPA, teething etc. However, I'm starting to think it could just be her temperament...? Still a lot of crying, general frustration and out of nowhere meltdowns 🙁.

The word that everyone uses to describe her is 'alert' (strangers in the street have stopped me and said this, as well as family and friends!). She really seems to be taking it all in, but equally needs so much attention or stimulation, I basically haven't been able to sit down since she was born!

Recently I read the Dr Sears Fussy Baby Book and there are a lot of similarities. It does seem that some of her characteristics would be described as 'high needs'.

I guess I'm looking for others who have lived through a high needs baby and can give me some reassurance that's it's not just me struggling? Does it really get better (and when!)? Is there a light at the end of tunnel?!

Or anyone else experiencing this right now?

This must be really hard. Our baby was very high needs as a newborn (had colic) and he is still always wanting to be busy now but has settled somewhat and cries much less. He does cry though at certain times - if we’re not doing what he wants (but I’m not sure what it is he wants to do!), when changing him at bath time and when wiping his face after food! Also sometimes when out and about like meeting friends or going to peoples houses. He’s quite sensitive

could you describe in what way he’s high needs? How does a typical day look? Does he sleep ok? X

Not a baby, but our toddler was a high needs baby and is now high needs 3yr 8 month old!!

I got through it by planning my days and eating a lot of cake!

I know people will say all toddlers are high needs, but my friends kid the same age is so much easier and more well behaved than our son

My eldest was a bit like this. A colciky newborn, alert, but also in constant need of stimulation, picking up, had to get out the house every day. Quite moany and never satisfied.

I now have a second and realise how much hard work he was! It got much easier after he turned one and was walking. He’s now two and the loveliest boy you could imagine.

My eldest was like this. It got better when she started walking at 9 months - I’m guessing because that gave her more of an ability to entertain herself 🤷🏻‍♀️ She’s 7 now, and is definitely still the most “high maintenance” of my 3 DCs when it comes to her craving for attention and the challenging behaviour that comes along with that. She’s also more emotionally sensitive than the other 2, and seems very fearful of things that the other 2 dive headfirst into - learning to ride her bike for example took a very long time and lots of reassurance, encouragement and tantrums, but she got there in the end.
I do think their personalities show through very early on! DC2 had medical issues at play that caused the “high needs” behaviours early on, but once those issues were diagnosed properly and under control, he was a very chilled baby compared to DC1.
DC3 has been chilled to the max since she was born and is still the same at nearly 3.

Yes. It wasn't until I had DC2 who was very placid calm smiley baby that I was sure it had just been DC1's temperament rather than anything I was doing wrong. He's 17 now and we both survived!

I had a copy of 'The Fussy Baby Book' in the loo and kept reading the stories (towards the end IIRC) from parents whose high needs babies were older children or even adults now, to reassure myself that this would pass.

You are describing my DS to a T as a baby. He fitted all of the criteria for a ‘high needs baby’ from days old. He’s just turned 2. Still needs so much mental and physical stimulation, still has no capacity for being on his own and is still exhausting as he never stops. BUT he’s the happiest toddler on the block. From 15 ish months onwards (when he could walk and talk) the permanent fussing/crying/whinging from frustration and boredom stopped and he became a little ray of sunshine. We have very little problems with him other than being utterly exhausted! He speech is pretty exceptional. Good grip on quantities of things and can count what I’m showing him to ten, knows the alphabet pretty well, can name makes of cars passing on the street and speaks in 6+ word sentences. I still wouldn’t go through his babyhood again though even though he’s a little gem now!

My eldest was like this. It's a miracle I had another child! She was extremely fussy and seemed miserable as a baby. If she was conscious she was crying! I don't know how I coped. I just survived really. All I can say is she just improved over time. She was a very feisty toddler with lots of tantrums (as I'd expected!) but once she was through the toddler years she was a dream. I always have teachers/friends etc telling me what an angel she is, how lucky I am to have her. She's now 11 and wonderful. Hang in there!

She sounds like my DD - although she had improved a bit by then as she could crawl and be a little more stimulated.

She had a childhood of wanting to be entertained, needing to see friends all the time, active sport hobbies. So she was still demanding but in a different way!

She is intelligent though and very high achieving - so it did turn out OK. She's now 24 - still has a very active social life, still does sport, and has a great job.

My dd1 was a high needs baby, an easily overwhelmed toddler who needed routine, plenty of sleep and huge amounts of adult attention, and a very well behaved but rather anxious primary aged child. Now at secondary school, and she’s still a child who needs a lot of cuddles, but is thriving in a selective school with like-minded peers plus lots of musical activities.

Hang on in there, keep reading the Sears book on high needs children, and you will get through this. My tip for this stage would be to use a sling - it helped us a lot.

Thanks everyone. Already feeling a little bit better. It's just hard going day to day listening to the moaning and how unsatisfied they are (and not taking it personally!). I do try to get out of the house most days to distract her and to maintain my sanity.

She has started rocking and showing some early crawling skills recently. Maybe moving around independently will help. She loves being in the sling and walking around

Reassuring that some of you went on to have other children as well. A big part of me feels like I can't ever do this again as it's been so, so hard going at times. That makes me feel a bit sad and shows I haven't really enjoyed the experience that much. 😞

All 3 of my DC were high needs babies and toddlers. I used to think I was imagining it but friends and family who’ve looked after them all say they’re the most intense, exhausting and hyperactive kids they’ve known. DS1 has been diagnosed with autism and adhd, which explains a lot and I’m very suspect of the other two. It gets easier - mine are between 3 and 7 now and its (usually) fun now. I’d say 0-2 was the hardest.

We had initially intended to have children close together but there's a reason we wound up with over three years between DC1 and DC2...

Not me but my sister had a high needs second baby. Her DD was her first and so chilled out, happy to watch the world go by. Happy to be held by anyone. Her DS who was her second had to be attached to her 24/7. She ended up buying a sling for him to sleep in just to be able to do anything then had to move to wearing a baby carrier on her back when he was older. He's 7 now and still an absolute mummy's boy. He's very shy but so well behaved and easy going. He still likes to be around her but he's funny and sweet and just an absolute joy to be around.

Just to add to the chorus, my eldest was such hard work but started to come out of the other side of it by the time he was 1. Been honestly an absolute delight ever since. Wonderful child. One thing that I think helped us was baby signing, him being able to communicate with us a bit more was so useful.

I have twins now and spent the whole pregnancy shitting myself that they would be like him and how would I manage two babies like that but they are completely different. One is highly strung but nothing like my first. It's been such a shock to me to have a baby that goes into the pram without protest, will be put down to sleep, happily goes anywhere in the car etc.

Best of luck, she'll be over it soon!

It must've been somewhat a relief @JessicaPeach @CountessOfSponheim @Ringmaster27 to have had more children and realising it really wasn't you /your parenting right?!

My DS (now 5) was like this. Needed constant stimulation and entertainment or he would be losing his 💩, liked my complete undivided attention at all times! It was so exhausting so I know how you’re feeling.

The only thing that saved my sanity was getting out and doing something EVERYDAY. Baby and toddler groups, soft play, every park in the area. That in itself caused me extra anxiety coz I felt like I could never get on top of the housework/laundry but he was just so much easier to manage if we were out doing something. A day at home meant 14 hours of constant screaming 🤯

The only other thing id recommended is trying to make a real life friend in a similar situation, even if your babies are different ages. I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others but it’s so hard to watch another mums perfect unicorn smile at the ceiling while you pace the floor with your screaming banshee.

Hang in there mama, it does get (a little) easier

DD1 was seriously high needs. Marginally better when walking at 12mo (didn’t crawl) and she talked very early so that helped.

She’s still hard work at 3.5 - needs constant mental stimulation (physical exercise doesn’t help) to keep her from being hideous. She talks all day long, constantly asking questions. We put her to bed at 6.30 because it takes half an hour for her to wind down for sleep. Started dropping her nap at 18mo.

I think it’s just her personality - alert is absolutely the best way to describe it - but it’s much easier to deal with now she doesn’t just shout all day.

DD2 is easy in comparison, so it can’t be genetic!

Found this thread after searching "high needs baby"!

I have an 8 month old and he is the same, has been very "high needs" from birth - suspected reflux/colic etc but similar to you I suspect he is a highly strung little boy. He can crawl now and he doesn't stop moving, wants to be entertained 24/7 and will not be put down. At the moment he screams bloody murder when I change his nappy and sleep has never been easy. He's very chatty and inquisitive, into everything and hates anything that straps him in! I'm so tired!! Ha

@Ivegottagoforaliedown why do they hate nappy changes so much?! My little one isn't crawling yet. I try to give her floor time so she'll progress her gross motor skills quicker (in vain that it will improve things), but she is so frustrated and it's such hard work! I'm trying to get out and about for walls etc everyday, but then worry it's not going to help her development (just my sanity 🤦‍♀️).

She’s probably just wise beyond her years. Life’s a drag after all 😂

Wow, I could have written this myself (in fact I came to the Parenting Board to write basically the same the post). My baby is turning 8 months this week, we've gone through all the cmpa, reflux, colic allergies. He is so high needs, needs constant entertainment, doesn't sleep, never get a break. I love him more than anything but I'm going slightly crazy. No advice but solidarity. It's so hard.

I had one of these OP. He’s 5 now, and bright sparky and lovely. Still VERY high energy. His little sister was the most chilled out little thing so it’s def nature not nurture.

just wanted to give you a hug in solidarity as k remember SCOURING MN when he was a baby trying to figure out if all this was normal or if I was a significantly shitter mother than my friends!

My dd1 was a high needs baby, an easily overwhelmed toddler who needed routine, plenty of sleep and huge amounts of adult attention, and a very well behaved but rather anxious primary aged child.
Exactly describes my dd now 12. Definitely improved when she started walking at 9 months. I would add that you should trust your instincts above all else when it comes to high needs babies ( and children) No one else will know your baby like you do. If you think something is going to overwhelm or upset the baby, hold firm and don't do it. I used to say dd was like a radio receiver we couldn't switch off, she was being bombarded with sounds and smells and visuals all the time. So doen time, quiet time was very important and also knowing the limits of how much " new" She could take.

Also carried her everywhere in a soft sling. She hated the pram and loved being able to peek out or hide at will. But 8 months might be a bit big for lugging around!