High needs baby - anyone else and how did you cope?

[BenjiCat]

My baby is eight months old and I can't work out whether she is simply harder work than other babies, if I'm struggling, or if others manage parenting better than I do (or if it's a bit of both)?!

I really love and care about her and when happy, she's absolutely lovely. But my goodness, most days I just feel worn down.

She's never been a settled baby. I've been down the road of silent reflux, colic, CMPA, teething etc. However, I'm starting to think it could just be her temperament...? Still a lot of crying, general frustration and out of nowhere meltdowns 🙁.

The word that everyone uses to describe her is 'alert' (strangers in the street have stopped me and said this, as well as family and friends!). She really seems to be taking it all in, but equally needs so much attention or stimulation, I basically haven't been able to sit down since she was born!

Recently I read the Dr Sears Fussy Baby Book and there are a lot of similarities. It does seem that some of her characteristics would be described as 'high needs'.

I guess I'm looking for others who have lived through a high needs baby and can give me some reassurance that's it's not just me struggling? Does it really get better (and when!)? Is there a light at the end of tunnel?!

Or anyone else experiencing this right now?

Yes my third child. Luckily with lots of experience under my belt I knew it wasn't the norm so didn't beat my self up. Take it a day at a time and sleep where you can , also ask for help!!

DD was like this. Almost killed me, well us both. I really didn't think it was my parenting. I stopped at one, could not risk the lottery of getting another one like her (as lovely and loved as she is). They'd be orphans by now!

She improved markedly when she started talking. But she went on to be a high needs toddler, is now a high needs young teen. Very well behaved in general, but still a struggle.

My son was very 'high needs' and still is in a lot of respects (aged almost 4). He cried constantly from around 6 weeks until 3/4 months and even after that was very grumpy. Nothing medically wrong. Needed to be constantly entertained. Walked early and was a bit better after that (although was an absolute tornado who would run off without a glance back). Better again when he was able to talk about what he wanted. However he still now has a very short fuse, loves a public screaming tantrum, and is generally very loud and energetic. He's also funny, a wonderful big brother and full of excitement at the world. It doesn't compare to those early baby days when I felt completely lost as to what to do - it does get better.

Also, I wish I'd asked for help more. I think when he was small and I was struggling then I felt ashamed, like it was my fault and I was failing. I wish I'd been able to reach out.

When my second child was born, I was geared up for it to be the same, only for her to turn out to be the most content newborn who just slept and ate and smiled. So, it's not your fault either. Some babies just hate being babies I think.

Having a second was a very difficult decision. It worked out well, as I expected another high needs baby and got one who was relatively good at the whole eating and sleeping thing. I found all the tricks for the high needs baby worked much better on the second one, and she was largely content when in the sling and fed whenever she murmured. I also asked for (and paid for) a lot of support (family, cleaner, doula) so that I wasn’t trying to do anything much other than baby care and some time with my then toddler. It did also reassure me that it wasn’t anything I’d done wrong - though a lot of people said ‘oh, its because you’re more relaxed second time around’. No. I had a much easier baby second time around.

Yes, it was intense! I had a carousel of baby entertaining devices to try and get a few minutes break.

She turned out to be lactose intolerant and almost certainly has ADHD (awaiting diagnosis). She was also extremely sociable, even as a very small baby - really alert and would try to grab people's attention.

She nearly broke me, but she's 12 now, independent, enterprising, artistic, hugely imaginative and lots of fun to be around.

@BenjiCat
My daughter is high needs. She's 13 months. Exactly the same with reflux/CMPA. She was always called 'alert' too by random people. Things did get a bit easier when she started crawling. I don't really have any other reassurances sadly as I'm living this right now too. I find it extremely difficult and exhausting. She's constantly on the go and always crying or moaning about something. She's started having epic tantrums. It makes me sad when we go to playgroups when I see other babies sat quietly playing or having downtime at snack time ...my daughter never does this...she's completely hyperactive. Nighttimes are almost unbearable as she wakes up every hour or two screaming. She does seem advanced but I do worry a lot about adhd or something. Pretty fed up of people saying to me it's normal...I'm sure you get it. 😴 😣

@BenjiCat how are you getting on? My 8 month old DD is very similar. She is constantly whinging and crying all day long, the tiniest thing seems to set her off and it’ll take ages to calm her down again. I see other babies the same age just chilling in their prams, sitting on their mums laps, sitting in high chairs in cafes eating etc and think why is mine SUCH hard work! She can’t crawl yet but is constantly squirming, crying to be put down then crying when I do.. I love her to bits my god it’s relentless!

@whatissleepagain things have gotten much better in the last couple of months. Mainly because my daughter has started crawling and cruising. She's so much happier for it! Her grumbly cries have also turned into (mostly) chattering. It felt like she turned a corner around 9 months or so and🤞it will continue...

Thanks for the update @BenjiCat! I really hope my DD will be the same. I feel like she’s frustrated and might be happier once she’s on the move, but she still seems a while away from crawling. Thanks for giving me a glimmer of hope 😅

Oh god im so happy to read this! Just came across your thread. My DS has recently turned 7 months and he's so hard work. He grumbles and moans and cries for hours just wanting constant stimulation, attention and gets so fussy if I even turn my back. Weaning is a nightmare too. He can pivot but can't crawl yet which is where I think a lot of his frustration lies. He's so alert and constantly wanting to know what everyone is up to and distracted constantly. 😂

DS1 was high needs and he grew out of it between 18m/2 and has been a delight ever since.

DS2 is now following in his footsteps. 14m now and far happier than he was a few months ago but still a grumpy little bugger. Some days are just ridiculous!! I live in hope that we're coming out the other side now.

If not, wine and chocolate it is!!!

My son as a baby was a real challenge-serious medical problems along with reflux and milk allergy to name a few! He cried all the time unless he was eating or sleeping (he used to take two naps daily) then literally one morning he woke up happy and smiling at eight months old-like a switch was flipped! I never knew how or why but it was miraculous. The best thing we could do was just take turns trying to soothe him (we figured out how he wanted to be held and loved his pacifier) Best of luck-he's 22 now and those early months were just brutal but you manage to get through it

Hi everyone,

I know this is an old thread but currently struggling with my DD1 who is a high needs baby. Cannot get much done, she's a very light sleeper too so when she naps she will wake up if she senses a slight difference in her surrounding. She'll then be exhausted from forcing herself to stay away and will be hard to settle/put back to sleep.

How did you all get on in the end? Are your kids still 'high needs?' I'm scared as to what the future will hold because from what I can see, the children that were high need as babies, went on to be high need toddlers/teens etc.

Also, does anyone know what may cause a baby to be high needs? I was very anxious throughout my whole pregnancy. Had HG till the very end. Would be interesting to know how your pregnancies were with your 'high need' babies to see if there's a possible correlation?

FYI she's on prescribed formula for CMPA.

Hi @user666555. I commented on here when my daughter was 8 months old, she’s now 2.3 and such a lovely little toddler!! She was really hard work as a baby but now she’s older she is genuinely a lot easier than my friends kids of the same ages. Don’t get me wrong she’s not always an angel, she’s still a 2 year old after all, but in general she is very easy going and has a lovely happy nature.

I think a combination of learning to crawl and then walk, and developing some communication skills so she can let me know her wants/needs were the big things that helped. I think around the 1 year mark was when I really noticed things started to get easier and it’s just been on the up since there.

So sorry that you’re struggling, I remember those days well and it was so difficult and isolating. But hopefully my update can give you some hope! How old is your baby?

@whatissleepagain thank you for your informative reply. I'm glad to her that your LO is doing well and things have improved for you.

My LO is 12 weeks on Tuesday. Feels like we have agessss to go yet until things get better. I really don't want to wish time away but I'm already so exhausted. My partner works all hours to provide as I only get maternity allowance and he needs to make ends meet. His job is driving related so I try to do the nights by myself as much as I can so the tiredness doesn't impact him at work. But that's all in regards to support. My family live quite far away from us and we don't have much support.

Just trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I also feel guilty for wishing time away :(

Bless she is still tiny. It’s such an exhausting time and even harder when you don’t have a support network so sending you a big hug.
My daughter got into a predictable routine with naps and night time sleep at around 8 months and that made a huge difference too.
Does your little one like being out in the pram or carrier? I always feel so much better after getting some exercise and fresh air.
You’re in the thick of it now but it will get easier 💐

I am exactly in the same position. My LO is 7 months and I am exhausted. She moans all day, Doesn't eat much solids, breast feeds little and often, screams when she's out and hates people as she will just scream and cry and the worst is ...her sleep. It takes over an hour to put her to sleep and sometimes even after that she doesn't fall asleep and stays awake for 4/5 or even 6 hours- she is clearly overtired . We follow wake windows but they don't seem to work with her. She wakes up hourly in the night too. I am so sleep deprived and literally withering away .
Hope your LO is better now? Would love to hear from you. If anyone has any sleep advise that would be appreciated! Thanks

Has anyone sleep trained their high needs baby? Not cry it out but 'gentle' methods. I have been trying but nothing works. She just gets hysterical not even normal crying but the full blown screaming that your ears start ringing and non stop tears. I have been co sleeping so have been putting her in the cot when she's asleep but she doesn't last long in there and night's are just horrendous so resorted back to co sleeping where she still wakes up hourly. She's 7 months. Any tips and tricks appreciated!

Hi sorry I'm new to this and can't see the delete button . Sorry for posting on your thread! I thought it would create a new post!

I think I’ve found my people! My LO is 14 weeks now and it is getting a little bit easier - like above he needs a routine.

The ‘alert’ comment really struck a chord, people have been saying that to me since he was about 4 hours old.

Realise this is an old thread but all your messages are exactly what I’ve been experiencing! My DD is 6.5mo and we’d put her grumpiness down to teething for months but I’m now starting to think it goes beyond that as none of my friends’ babies ever seem quite so cranky and restless. It’s exhausting.
I’m wondering, has anyone else experienced weaning problems with their high needs baby? We started a few weeks ago but she gets so upset and squirms in her chair. Tried everything!

Hi there
My LO is terrible at eating. Shes 9 months now and we started weaning at 4.5 months. She has a few bites and then closes her mouth shut. Its super difficiult but every child is different. She also hates the high chair but sometimes have music on in the background or just put finger foods to play with/eat