Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Can’t stand DP

32 replies

weblooom · 30/05/2022 23:38

5 months into parenting and I currently fucking can’t stand my DP

Not everyday is like this but wow someone please tell me this goes away?

im really struggling with parenting at the moment I feel so lonely and lost and like I get no help and In all honesty he could help more

ive explained this to him And he tells me to ask him? Ask him? Is he fucking joking just help me with OUR child

im currently raging as I’ve been trying to settle the baby for hours while he sits on his arse. I go to move his cup of cold tea and spill it on myself and he fucking laughs at me?

then proceeds to say “I’m sick of you and your mood swings” when I get annoyed

I might be having mood swings because I’m seriously sleep deprived and haven’t slept longer than 2 hours at a time since last year

Sorry I just need somewhere to rant I feel so fed up we have a good relationship but this past month I’d say he’s getting on my last nerve

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 31/05/2022 00:01

How can you say you have a good relationship when he treats you like shit

Areyoiboredyet · 31/05/2022 00:18

I had a difficult time with my DP when our twins were small, he really irritated me. When they started sleeping better things between us improved. Our twins are now 15 and we're still together. A few of my friends felt the same after they had their babies. I'm sure things will get better when your lo starts sleeping and you both adapt to the changes in your lives. In the meantime when you need help tell him, there's no point seething while he sits there. I ended up getting dh to look after each twin while I bathed the other and I also made sure that when they slept I did too. It's not easy but hang in there op you'll get there. I wouldn't LTB yet Flowers

Original poster
weblooom · 31/05/2022 03:47

@Bunty55 where did I say he treats me like shit?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
weblooom · 31/05/2022 03:50

@Areyoiboredyet thank you :) yeah we’re in a bit of a difficult stage now as baby was sleeping okay (when I say this I mean letting me put him in his cot and not waking half hourly!) then the 4 month sleep regression hit and nothings been the same since so the exhaustion is real

Yeah I find myself raging because I’m upstairs and hear the baby cry so go into him and when I mentioned it he says about me getting there first which I get and usually I can rationalise those moments - I can’t this month

OP posts:
pjparty · 31/05/2022 07:21

I think the point @Bunty55 was making is that not caring about the fact you have had no more than 2 hours sleep at a time, and sitting on his arse while you care for a child that is both of yours IS treating you like shit.

He should care about you getting some rest rather than just commenting that you are moody. Also, does his boss have to direct his every move at work, why should you have to bark out orders to get him to do anything if he is a perfectly proactive adult in the workplace? Would drive me mad too.

I would tell him your running on zero energy and want him to do the next night wakenings, if he really needs direction and to follow don't hold back with it 😀

KangarooKenny · 31/05/2022 07:47

Can he take baby out in the pram for an hour or so, so that you can have a nap ?
Do you have family nearby ?

R0tational · 31/05/2022 07:49

Tell him, not us ...

grapewines · 31/05/2022 07:56

weblooom · 31/05/2022 03:47

@Bunty55 where did I say he treats me like shit?

Him laughing at you when you spill tea down yourself isn't exactly indicative of a good relationship.

MolliciousIntent · 31/05/2022 08:00

Are you breastfeeding?

MagicTurtle · 31/05/2022 08:04

Can you split the night wakings so it's not always the person who hears first (you). We used to have a system so that DH did the early part of the night (say until 1-2am) and I did any wake ups after that. This worked well for us as he's an owl and I'm a lark. So if baby cries and it's your DH's part of the night, you poke him and go back to sleep.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/05/2022 08:05

does he ever take the baby off you for a break?

nearlyspringyay · 31/05/2022 08:08

DH gut to me like this when DTs were small. He would 'help' look after them but I had to ask, and then he'd ask me loads of questions about what he meant to be doing. No fucking initiative at all.

I remember one incident when he was off cutting the grass and doing the gardening when I was indoors with two screaming babies. He just expected his life to carry on as normal. I may have thrown a nappy at him out of the window in rage. I went out to take over the grass and sent him in to deal with the babies. He did get a bit better after that.

MollyRover · 31/05/2022 08:08

KangarooKenny · 31/05/2022 07:47

Can he take baby out in the pram for an hour or so, so that you can have a nap ?
Do you have family nearby ?

The father of her child is sitting next to her, can't get much closer than that!!

Hi OP, if I can play devil's advocate this is most likely a result of sleep deprivation. You need to tell him that you need a night's sleep and more help during the day. He's not a mind reader. What is your setup like? Are you both working?

watcherintherye · 31/05/2022 08:09

The op doesn’t want to have to tell her dp when she wants help. That means the default is always that she deals with things, unless she asks him.The mental load is still all on her. Sometimes, even if your dp is very willing to help if asked (👍) what you want is for them to be able to recognise when something needs doing and just do it!

GucciPearls · 31/05/2022 08:09

R0tational · 31/05/2022 07:49

Tell him, not us ...

What have you achieved from leaving such a shitty fucking reply?

soundofsilver · 31/05/2022 08:15

Time to book yourself a weekend away while he looks after the baby. Fill the fridge with milk if you're breastfeeding and focus on getting the baby happy with a bottle.
This was the only way my DH 'got it' and it saved my sanity and our relationship.

D0lphine · 31/05/2022 08:20

In te short term, he has asked for instructions. So tell him what you want.

Ask him to take the baby out for three hours today. Fancy, friends, park, swimming, play centre, shopping. Whatever he fancies. Tell him you need three solid hours to sleep.

Then head to bed and when you wake up make a longer term strategy.

AugustSeptemberOctober · 31/05/2022 08:22

nearlyspringyay · 31/05/2022 08:08

DH gut to me like this when DTs were small. He would 'help' look after them but I had to ask, and then he'd ask me loads of questions about what he meant to be doing. No fucking initiative at all.

I remember one incident when he was off cutting the grass and doing the gardening when I was indoors with two screaming babies. He just expected his life to carry on as normal. I may have thrown a nappy at him out of the window in rage. I went out to take over the grass and sent him in to deal with the babies. He did get a bit better after that.

I can really relate to this! My twins are 2 now, and things are still not good. The bit about him expecting life to carry on as normal... That is my DH. It does my head in. Comes in from work (from his office job) and immediately buggers off for a shower, then decides it's a good time to organise his wardrobe or something... All while I've had a full day of toddlers fighting and am desperate for an extra pair of hands.

It's like he's doing me a huge favour sitting with the DTs while I clean the bathroom or hang up some washing. I had a medical appointment at the weekend, and you'd have thought I was going for a spa day - "I bet you enjoyed having some time to yourself"... I would bloody LOVE some time to genuinely relax!! I have told him how I feel, he just doesn't get it. The resentment is real.

Sorry OP, I've gone off on one a bit here. Clearly needed to vent! Anyway, you are not alone and I certainly hope it does pass!

MollyRover · 31/05/2022 08:29

watcherintherye · 31/05/2022 08:09

The op doesn’t want to have to tell her dp when she wants help. That means the default is always that she deals with things, unless she asks him.The mental load is still all on her. Sometimes, even if your dp is very willing to help if asked (👍) what you want is for them to be able to recognise when something needs doing and just do it!

She does have to communicate with him though. She's 4 months post partum, we know how difficult this can be hormonally so without both sides of the story I don't think it's as simple as "She shouldn't HAVE to tell him what help she needs, he should just KNOW". A baby is a huge change in a couple's lives and dynamic. Maybe he's totally useless or maybe they had already established a routine which has been interrupted by sleep regression and he's struggling to change.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 31/05/2022 08:45

A lot of it is probably sleep deprivation. I have a 16wk old and read your post a couple of hours ago while silently raging at my DP in my head. He was sat in bed feeding the baby but all I could hear was sniff....sniff....sniff. If he hadn't been holding the baby I'd have been tempted to throw my phone at him. I've been up most of the night and I'm shattered (not baby related as he's on his 4th night in a row of sleeping through!!!).
I resent that my DP is asleep within seconds of laying down and it takes me hours as I'm listening for the baby all the time plus I've always been a crap sleeper. No matter how much my DP does, I feel like it's not enough as I feel so shit in general.

I also resent the fact that he's never got both kids (we also have a toddler) on his own and doesn't experience them both screaming for attention at the same time because I'm on maternity leave so I'm always here.

You really shouldn't have to ask him to help though, he's taking the piss by the sounds of it and needs to do his fair share.

Spohn · 31/05/2022 09:47

What’s his excuse for failing to parent? Can you leave the baby with him and go somewhere for a week? Regularly? I wonder if he was useless before he impregnated you, like, did he treat you with the same contempt as now? Do equal amounts of planning and chores?

summervibesz · 31/05/2022 09:59

On his days off, wake up in the morning put the baby in his arms and go to sleep & say don't bother me unless it's an emergency

That's what I used to do 😂 so DH would take the baby on a long walk in the buggy, feed etc then when id eventually wake up at midday .. we would all have a lovely time together & less arguments

shivawn · 31/05/2022 10:26

Not everyday is like this but wow someone please tell me this goes away?

In my experience it does, or at least gets a lot better. 4 month sleep regression is such an awful stressful time, I remember feeling so resentful of my husband getting great sleep while I was seeing every hour on the clock all night long. I was breastfeeding so he was limited in how much he could help but that didn't stop me feeling irritated. We sleep trained at 6 months and it massively improved our relationship, all 3 of us are much happier for it.

I know it's annoying but I think you should just tell him what you need done. I used to just do everything and give out about it afterwards because I felt like he should be more involved and know the routine etc. Now, I just spell it out for him....baby is due his nap at this time so you need to take him upstairs and start nap routine at this time....or else I just plonk baby on top of him while his watching TV and tell him the nappy needs to be changed. To be fair he's happy to do it but it just doesn't occur to him to do it until he is told. Now that our baby is on solids I get him to do as many of those meal times as possible too.

watcherintherye · 31/05/2022 10:54

MollyRover · 31/05/2022 08:29

She does have to communicate with him though. She's 4 months post partum, we know how difficult this can be hormonally so without both sides of the story I don't think it's as simple as "She shouldn't HAVE to tell him what help she needs, he should just KNOW". A baby is a huge change in a couple's lives and dynamic. Maybe he's totally useless or maybe they had already established a routine which has been interrupted by sleep regression and he's struggling to change.

Show quote history

But I don’t think this -

i’m currently raging as I’ve been trying to settle the baby for hours while he sits on his arse. I go to move his cup of cold tea and spill it on myself and he fucking laughs at me?

is a sign of a new Dad struggling. Struggling to comprehend that yes, a baby is a huge change in both their lives, maybe, and not just hers. Why is the onus on op to communicate? She doesn’t just know either. It’s trial and error for all concerned! It shouldn’t be her role to negotiate the steep learning curve and then ‘cascade’ the info to him. It surely isn’t beyond her dp to say ‘shall I try for a bit?’, change the nappy, sing to the baby etc. etc. without specific instructions?

watcherintherye · 31/05/2022 10:57

To be fair he's happy to do it but it just doesn't occur to him to do it until he is told

I think that’s absolutely the problem in so many cases.