Neighbour’s child constantly asking for our DD play out in street.

[Blossom19]

Hi, first time posting so I’ll try and keep to the point.

We moved house at Christmas to our daughter’s school catchment area, which is great for that but that’s about it. We moved to get out financial
hardship, which we were so grateful to be able to do and in a much better place. We actually bought house from an ex landlord who had been trying to sell house for a few years, so when we approached out the blue was excited and really pleased to sell to us (we had been his first tenants when we first married 8 years ago).

So yeah, great home for a young couple/professionals that sort of thing… not so much where you’d raise a family ideally… oh yeah found out in the middle of completion we were expecting baby number 3. So thankful and feel very blessed but totally caught off guard with that one.

Sorry, probably way too much context for point of post🤣 you can tell I’m a bit lonely and preoccupied with pregnancy and my children. Anyway!

So we live in the centre of small town, in a three bedroom terrace. The back of our home has a back lane, some cars can get up it’s very narrow. Then it backs onto a busy car park. Then straight into town. The thought of the back door accidentally being unlocked scares the shit out of me (toddler can open doors) and I just over think the worst where my kids are concerned.

So the neighbours are ok, they’re fine. Children do
live on the street which is nice to know. And some elderly who are very nice and think they’re really chuffed we have our little brood here. But there’s also a lot of houses we haven’t got a clue who lives there. Half the houses probably rent and half probably own, which makes no difference at all. Anyway just trying to paint a picture.

Young couple that live a few doors down with a toddler chatting to my husband one day tell
us about family next door to them (2 doors from us). They have a little girl a year older than our DD, and we met them when we moved in briefly. Little girl asked if our DD could play out and we quickly made an excuse about tea time etc. I know you shouldn’t judge people externally but the couple came across really dodgey to me, not people I felt comfortable around but we were pleasant and have always made an effort to say hello etc whenever we see them or anyone for that matter.

So anyway the other couple told my husband that one night when they were putting their toddler to bed they could hear screaming coming from next door and it was the little girl. So the young woman went over and knocked on the door and little girl came to back door saying her mummy wouldn’t wake up. She was apparently off her face on drugs passed out on the sofa. So young couple had to call police and get the little girl to safety. And so she was put into care temporarily.

This sent chills through me, I know it goes on but it just felt so close to home and I feel so sorry for the little girl, she’s lovely. But i knew there was something not quite right.

Lady who lives next door to us was out the front of house one evening. My husband was outside in front garden clearing stuff. Was chatting to neighbour. Little girl’s mum walks past, absolutely rat arsed drunk. He just says hello, and she stumbles away home. Lady next door tells hubby she’s at the corner shop every morning buying her two huge bottles of cheap cider (you know the one) and the little girl has been taken into care twice. Obviously including the time the other couple had told hubby about.

So I mean little girl’s mum is obviously troubled, and has issues. I get that addiction is illness and I don’t want to be too critical here. I just feel like I want to keep my children away from that exposure. I obviously feel a sense of duty to look out for the poor little girl, as things have obviously been bad enough for her being taken away.

The little girl jumps on us any time she sees us, usually on the way to dance or something. When it’s been the weekend she’s just left to wander around outside the back lane and play on her own. I mean she had dolls out in the street bless her, it’s not right. It’s not safe at all. We always manage to make an excuse, and I’m always really nice and ask if she’s ok and if she might be doing the same thing too soon. Like this evening we just got to the back door and it was quarter to 6 (my kids are normally in the bath half 5). And she said can my DD stay out and play and I said, “Aww I’m sorry it’s bath time for us now, are you having your bath soon too?” And bless her she was like “No I’m not having a bath, will you come and seek me tomorrow?” So I just said “aww thanks for asking, we’ll see you soon”.

I mean what do you do here? I have a toddler I don’t want to hang out in the streets watching them, I’d be keeping my toddler away from the car park or running off down the river. There’s nothing for them to do in this bloody street either. Her parents are nowhere to be seen, our DD is 5 and she is 6. We would NEVER leave her in a back bloody street.

I actually feel like I don’t know why I’ve rambled on here. I’m heavily pregnant, hormonal, frustrated that this is going to be our home for
up to 4 years. I feel for the poor wee girl but I don’t want my daughter to ever go near her house. The woman (not the one my hubby spoke to) but our other neighbour, is also a raging alcoholic. I mean she’s harmless I reckon but she’s off her tits every night.

I just want to keep my kids safe and away from
any sort of threat at their very young ages. They don’t need to be exposed to this shit going on, and I know it goes on everywhere.

Do I just keep up with the excuses and avoid? What would you do? I’d love to keep an eye on the little girl but I don’t want to risk forming any sort of close association with her parents. The less I know about them the better for my own mental health.

If you’ve made it this far, well done and thank you 💛

Ring the police every time you see her unsupervised outside.

If my child wanted to play with her I would play with them outside (supervising). When it's convenient.
But my child craves other children. I would just make sure I'm out with them outside

I’d also ring the police or report to social services every time. Otherwise nothing will be done. You don’t have to leave your details, it can be done anonymously.

Very confused about who's who, but I would get more involved and invite the kid over a bit more. She'll be taken into care soon permanently, no doubt, but at least she will know there were people who wanted to help. The sense of abandonment mist be so awful.

Yes report to social services. Maybe at set times she could come and play inside the house? Or stay for tea? But when it works for you. It sounds incredibly sad.
For your back door you could look into toddler safety latches. There are products that can secure doors so children are safe.
could you all go to the park once a week? Or some compromise. If your daughter wants to play with her. Sounds like they maybe at the same school anyway.

How terribly sad for that little girl! I agree about reporting the situation to social care, it seems she is being neglected. It’s no surprise she seeks out people to spend time with.

personally in your situation I would probably continue to say no, but occasionally invite her to play in my garden with my daughter ( after checking with her mum).
but I’d feel happy being boundaried and saying no to playing outside, not letting it get too much.

Thank you everyone who has responded. I do feel dutiful in making sure I’m looking out for her, it makes me so sad if things are truly lonely and unpleasant for her, I try not to dwell but I can’t not.

I will keep an eye to make sure the next time I see her that she is in fact alone. I could be wrong in that her parents are watching from kitchen, which I doubt and I would have no issues reporting.

As for those suggesting to have her over to play, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable. We’re a busy family for a start, usually clubs, reading/homework, tea and an early bath and bed in this house through the week. And we’re in/out over weekend which when she usually catches us to ask. What with the baby arriving soon I think I’d find it too much keeping an eye on a 4th child that’s not actually mine. I also wouldn’t want to risk my daughter asking to go along to her house and try and think up an awkward response for no in front of the poor girl.

DD doesn’t go to same school, there’s a few first schools in the town.

I then feel guilty that I’m being too judgemental and that obviously she’s been allowed back home, she’ll have a social worker and her mum might actually be getting help. Then I think I can’t possibly know that for sure I must stay on my guard.

How old is this child?

We had a kid in our street growing up in a similar situation. I always found it odd that they ate dinner in everyone else's house during the week with different families, and said kid was always invited along to the beach or local park with us and other families.

Wasn't till I was older did I realise the street did this to ensure said child was eating, supervised and had some enjoyment like a ice cream at the beach or to play in the park.

Obviously you OP can't take this on, you've enough on your hands. I'd say report the family every time you see this safeguarding issue, but I'd say you could now and again let them play in your front garden/back garden together and supervise if you had a spare 20mins. But again given the household you already have I completely get this may not be possible.

It's a difficult situation.

Report to social services.

Just say sorry isn't allowed to play out by herself yet.

There seems to be a lot of tittle tattling from the neighbours but no one has thought to call social services !! Poor child.

If I thought there was something for social services to know about I would absolutely contact without a second thought. I’ve spoken to my auntie who is a social worker and she gave me some advice what to do and any doubt also just call the police if there’s any danger.
The neighbours who found her alone and in distress when her mum took drugs called police to break door in and dealt with social services. The other neighbour was just telling my husband how the child had been in care twice, I mean she’s a bit of a gobsh*te so probably was enjoying she had this to share with someone new (that’s not our fault).
There hasn’t been any other incidents that we know of to actually report. I just don’t feel comfortable associating with the family but feel very sad for the girl. She plays outside the street on her own (however her parents could well be in the kitchen “keeping an eye” that’s satisfactory enough for them) and I get some people let their children do this, I personally would absolutely not and feel bad having to excuse my daughter every time we see her.

I think this will be it from now on my DD is only 5 and say we have to keep an eye on her DB who is only 2 so we can’t really play out as we’re not “old enough” yet. And just continue to keep an eye on her if I think she’s alone or at any risk, then make a report to social services.

If you don’t want your child to play with this girl just say politely that your child is not allowed to play in the back lane/ outside/ today etc, just keep your interaction short and simple. And call social services to express your concern with examples.

You don't have to let your daughter play in her house or yard, but you could make the little girl involved in your life if you wanted. She could play in your house or outside with your kids. You could let her have tea with you. Obviously inform the mum though if inviting her in.

Obviously it's horrible, for that particular family but I think you're catastrophising the neighbourhood a bit here. There is community to be found.

Thank you, I guess I just wanted to know if others would do the same. It’s what I’ve been doing so far, and my husband the same. We always take time to chat to the little girl, and if we see her parents also take time to speak to them too. As we really don’t know how things actually are, we just see the wee girl seemingly entertaining herself (parents could well be in the background) and just going off what others have told us we have our guard up around them.
I understand others suggesting to take her in etc but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that, it would be a lot to take on when I will have 3 young children to look after myself.

So we will do just keep doing our best to keep an eye on her when we can.

This poor child 😢 I'm a busy parent of 4 children too but I absolutely would be inviting her round to play and making sure she was fed. I can't bear the thought of a child being lonely 😔

So are you never going to have a play date OP? Don't pretend the reason you don't want her round isn't because she's from the druggy family!

That’s the thing we don’t have back yards, it’s a street with access to a busy car park and cars that use back lane access, it’s no place to play. We do have minuscule front gardens, that are no use nor ornament and also not secure (ours has storm damage so awaiting work). So we tend to go out for walks or visit places, grandparents gardens to play outside.

If it was that simple I’d let her in but it’s not, and have been advised to not get too close in that respect as it could lead to the family then leaning on us for her care and I’m about to have my third child, I don’t really need this extra emotional stress on me.

Maybe you’re right, but as I said in my original post. This isn’t exactly where I’d be choosing to raise my family. It’s not safe, it’s not practical on so many levels but it’s what we have for now and that we are grateful for. I always try not to judge from the outset but when you have little ones you’re better judgement tends to takeover and you want to protect at all costs.

It doesn’t feel like a community as such, we make an effort to talk to anyone we meet but we come across a lot of people who just dart in and out their houses without a second glance (entitled to do so as well). It’s not a family environment to us so we just remain polite, keep to ourselves and know it’s not forever home.

I would allow her to play in your house and offer her tea .It would also be a way of getting to work out how she is ie happy,eats well,she might chat about her Mummy and Daddyetc.
My children had friends to play when I was heavily pregnant,it really doesn’t add to the workload having an extra mouth to feed occasionally!

Yes, kind of agree with this. I don't think I could stand by and watch a 6 year old being neglected in that way and not try and help. Short term help would be to offer food or at least let her know she can come and knock on your door at any time if things are tough. A long term help is to badger the social services until they take action. No child should have to grow up like that.

For info, I raised a concern about a 6 year old frequently out unsupervised (during lockdown) and was told unless they were in danger then it's not a safeguarding concern.

However as the child is already known to social services perhaps they will pay more attention in this case.

Bare in mind one day that dc will disclose some sort of abuse. You will be on a list of adults who have seen her unsupervised.. Be careful op.

Who is maintaining this list?!